All Quiet in the Emiya House

Hello everyone, as promised a new chapter out much sooner than the last! And while it is shorter than the previous chapter, there's good news: a bonus Omake at the end added by Third Fang himself! Also, for updates and other neat little tidbits, check out my Pat reon and see about becoming a patron! Now then, with all that out of the way and no guest review questions, let's see what's going on at the Emiya home!

The Home of Shirou Emiya

"And that's basically what happened." I finished explaining. "I guess we shouldn't be surprised the Khaos Brigade also tried targeting you at the same time."

"They might've had a better chance at succeeding if they hadn't sent me the leftovers." Karasuba, now back in her freshly cleaned outfit, commented.

"Only the best are gonna work on you, Berserker!" Illya, who was sitting in her lap, chirped. Said girl was also petting Yume, who seemed to be enjoying the attention.

"I know, but it's still sweet of you to say so." The Red Dragon Emperor of my world purred while nuzzling her cheek.

"Well, now that we're all caught up with each other," Sona began, "We need to sort out what to do next."

The Sitri Heiress was sitting among her Peerage who, along with Rias' Peerage and my own, were scattered all over the living room and kitchen, sitting in whatever place they could find. Save for Gasper and my Pawns, who were hanging from the ceiling.

"I've been keeping in contact with Sirzechs and the others." Serafall stated, standing near me with her arms folded. "It seems this attack was meant to be the first of many. Reports are pouring in of Khaos Brigade forces striking all over the Underworld. If that wasn't enough…" She held out her hand, summoning a small magic circle on the floor that projected an image of Shalba Beezlebub.

"Citizens of the underworld!" He barked. "I am Shalba Beezlebub, descendant of Bidleid Bashalun Beelzebub and one of the true rulers of this world! Those you serve now are usurpers, frauds who wear our names and use our authority to push ideals of weakness, but no more! Starting today, the Khaos Brigade is taking back our kingdom and our world and restoring it to its former glory! The time has come, my brethren! Rise up and remind those fools what a Devil truly is!"

The image disappeared and Serafall sighed.

"Good thing he recorded that before attacking us." She quipped. "I doubt as many people would be taking him seriously when his face looks like a modern art masterpiece right about now."

"Not too late." The otherworld Issei piped up casually. "Did you snag a picture of said masterpiece before he bitched out? You could spread that out now and seriously undermine everything to make him and his message look like a total joke."

The Maou cursed under her breath. "You're right. I didn't get anything, but maybe the others did. Worst case, Ajuka can snag an image from his memories we can use."

"Glad to be of service." My guest nonchalantly waved before lying back in his chair and dozing off again almost instantly.

"It's still unfortunate that they got away." Rias pointed out. "I take it you, my brother, and the other Maous already scrambled the military to reinforce any potential points of vulnerability?"

"It's not our first all-encompassing war." My King reminded while lightly twirling her staff. "Several initial assaults have been repelled already, but I suspect we're going to have a real problem when they get their bigger players back on the field. Good work to everyone who managed to knock out some of their top fighters for a bit."

"Did I take out one of their top fighters?" Issei asked, confused.

My guess was he probably had, but they had been so beneath him he didn't bother to remember them.

"I just hope Vali doesn't get convinced to join in with the rest of my old team." Kuroka hummed, occasionally glancing at her sister. "They're the strongest within the Khaos Brigade."

"Even if they don't join in, there's still the main problem." I pointed out, looking at Serafall. "Ophis. To call her an army unto herself is an understatement. I hate to say it, but even if you and the other Maous all stood against her, I don't know if you'd be able to win."

"Is it true that Excalibur wasn't enough to slay her… my lord?" Xenovia asked. I could tell she'd been trying not to laugh for the last few minutes and she wasn't the only one. Gasper, my world's Issei, Saji, etc. were all trying to hold back their laughter at the fact that my entire face was currently wrapped up in bandages like a half-assed mummy costume with a bandana holding an ice pack on the top of my head.

"I wasn't using it at full power." I explained. "Certain conditions have to be met for the blade to unleash everything it has. While I was certainly in danger, the planet—oh, just get it out of your system already!"

The dam broke and half the occupants in the room fell over laughing while I just sighed. "Asia, could you please take all this stuff off now?"

"I don't know if I should." She tapped her chin. "Dragon Lady slapped the shit out of you. I know I healed you, but you're absolutely sure you don't have a headache or anything?"

"I'm positive." I rolled my eyes. "Now please get this stuff off me or we're not gonna get anywhere on this. And Akeno, please stop standing all the way in the other room."

"Ara, whatever do you mean?" She called from the hallway. "I can hear you just fine."

"And here I thought the yandere in my world was in denial." Issei deadpanned.

"Maybe we should move up that date on locking you two in a room together." Kiba commented.

"Not while I'm in this house, you're not!" Serafall huffed. "No offense to you, Rias-tan, but I don't trust that sadomasochist Queen of yours."

"Can we please stay on topic?" Sona rubbed the bridge of her nose. "We need solutions. Hyoudou, you're absolutely certain there isn't some way we can establish communication with this Ghost entity in your arm?"

"Like I mentioned before, he hasn't been in a talking mood for the last five years." The otherworlder reminded without looking up. "If we mess up the attempted communication, it might accidentally wind up with universal destruction anyway."

"I'm just now hearing some of this and I'd like to say, this guy sounds like a dick." Bennia chimed in.

"He is, but normally he's more akin to one that just jokes about everything and everyone casually but doesn't do anything for the most part. Annoying but harmless most of the time. Unfortunately, a line was crossed back home that he didn't tolerate, and he's essentially gone into 'Old Testament on steroids' mode. Goes with my current award-winning demeanor."

"Don't let him fool you, he's always been annoying." His Ddraig quipped dryly, granting us a rare reminder that this variant was far more lucid and less aggressive than ours.

"Don't make me get the salt out, you Jurassic Park reject."

"We both know that Spielberg would never have the budget to afford me."

"Says the attention whore. You'd do it for free to be on the same project as Jeff Goldblum and we both know it." Clearly, this was not the first time this sort of conversation had taken place.

"It is what it is." I acknowledged now that Asia had gotten all of the bandages off my face. "If you can think of a way to calm him down, don't hesitate to tell us. In the meantime, we'll just have to proceed under the assumption that Issei dying means the rest of us die too."

"Has there been any progress on you mastering the Second Magic?" Rias asked Sona. "The quickest and easiest solution would be sending him home. I don't think even Ophis would be able to get to him then."

"I've mastered it to the point that I can send Issei practically anywhere in this world with near perfect accuracy." The Sitri Heiress reported.

"She makes me pick up her international takeout." Issei added halfheartedly. "She has exotic tastes."

"However, I still haven't been able to tap into alternate times or worlds, at least not knowingly. I could try to send him home now, but if it proves unsuccessful, the result could also end in universal destruction."

"Nice to know you're actually thinking about it this time instead of just trying it out for the hell of it." The otherworlder remarked.

"The universe didn't depend on your survival at the time." Sona adjusted her glasses. "And I was confident in my ability to visualize your destination. I doubt I have to explain to you the countless additional factors involved in alternate world travel."

"I've read up on most of them." Issei confirmed. "Besides, we might have other potential options for dealing with Ophis."

"Did you have some sort of way to take out the Ophis in your world?" Our Issei questioned.

"No." The otherworlder shook his head. "Ophis is the Ouroboros Dragon. By definition, she's a literal representation of infinity, meaning I can't match her no matter how many Boosts I use. In a game of established numbers I'm king, but when you throw in abstract values, everything goes sideways. She trumps me on a conceptual level. Red's an even worse match for me for other reasons. The only reason Shirou and I are still alive right now is because she's not the most proactive dragon out there."

"So Shirou's the only one in this room who can go up against Ophis and not die?" Rias mused. "Mostly through virtue of her wanting him as a personal chef. Is food your plan for stopping her?"

"That'd be a very temporary measure to slow her down. Going back to the Dimensional Gap has always been her priority. Good food's a distant second. The fact that it registers to her at all is what makes Shirou stand out, but it's no substitute. If we want to stop her in any sense of the word, we either need to trick her into thinking she's returned to the Dimensional Gap or alleviate the mental degeneration she's suffering by being in a finite world. The first one requires creating a space similar to Shirou's Unlimited Blade Works that she might accept as a substitute for her home or mistake for the Dimensional Gap. As for the second one, well, we'll need to set up a meeting with the Angel and Fallen Angel Factions."

"You believe one of those factions might have a way to soothe a dragon's mind?" Sona inquired.

"I believe I have a lot of questions for them that will determine how we go about things depending on their answers." The otherworlder stated ominously. "But first, I need to know if you can arrange a meeting like that? At the very least, Azazel specifically needs to be the rep for the Fallen for this to carry weight and make things go quickly. Beelzebub might want to sit in on this too."

I wasn't the only one that gave him a curious look at his instructions. Even those with little experience in politics could tell that whatever outcome he was planning wasn't going to be minor.

"Don't forget who you've got here." Serafall placed her wand against her chest. "I'm the diplomat among the Four Maous. With everything going on, Azazel is gonna be way too curious not to drop by and hear what's happening while Michael has enough manners to at least listen to what we have to say. It might be tricky if you need a specific time and place but if not, I can have something like that set up in a few days' time at worst. Just know that if I do this, you'd better not start a war on two other fronts, we've got enough problems to deal with already."

"Considering the topic I can't make any promises." Issei shrugged. "But if it works, we'll have a slightly less angry dragon god after us and increase our odds to significantly non-zero."

"How certain are you of this? We cannot move the leaders of the three factions on a mere hunch or outlandish assumption." Sona shifted her glasses skeptically.

Issei glanced at her halfheartedly. "I'll give you the presentation, research documentation, and sources for my work after the meeting. It might be a bit much. It covers some pretty esoteric and niche topics."

Oh boy. I wasn't the only one that flinched as Sona's intelligence was dismissed without hesitation. Issei definitely was going to regret that later.

"The Khaos Brigade will be a lot less bold without Ophis on their side." Kiba observed. "But the Hero Faction is still a threat. It took nearly all our Peerage to bring down two of them and that's only because they underestimated us. Since Shirou and Issei are going to be preoccupied with Ophis, we're going to need a few plans of attack to deal with them."

"If they're in the same ballpark as that Heracles guy and the little kid I can take a couple of them on." Karasuba gave a closed-eye smile. "But that's only if you actually let me fight this time."

"I imagine you're going to be on my ass about it if I don't." I sighed. "Sera, I hate to ask, but could you see if Sirzechs or Ajuka are willing to meet Karasuba and give her permission to enter the Underworld?"

"It'll just be one long phone call." The magical girl Maou shrugged. "More than likely they'll just ask for time to prepare a proper meeting place. But it's going to be up to your Queen as to whether or not they feel it's safe for her to fight on the battlefield."

"No safe places on a battlefield." Karasuba pointed out. "Just turn me loose and I'll take it from there. The rest of you should just worry about keeping your distance."

"Does the name 'Vegeta' mean anything to you?" Issei deadpanned, getting minor reactions from those familiar with the very well known Dragon Ball franchise in the room. Ironic, seeing as she was taught by the actual Son Goku.

"No. It sounds about as stupid as you normally are though."

"Yeah. Just about what I expected. Better get some popcorn and a camera set up for later."

"And that's just the kind of attitude that won't fly." Serafall pointed her wand at the grey-haired girl. "You're part of a Peerage now, so like it or not you need to prove you're capable of working with others. If my fellow Maous see you as a liability, they'd just as soon not accept your help."

"She needs to continue her training with the Boosted Gear anyway." I point out. "So how about this: I have Karasuba work to get her powers under better control while you contact the Maous. With luck, she'll be less slash-happy by the time they meet."

"You should have more faith in your Queen." Karasuba held Illya up. "I can be a good girl when I want to be."

Bullshit. You're only good in front of your parents.

"Then you can put that to the test by training with Issei." I cocked a thumb at the otherworlder. "He'll be the one training you."

"Say what now?" Said prospective trainer was not the only one looking at me like I had grown another head.

"Seriously?" My Queen huffed. "I'll learn more from the old monkey. Just let me call him up and he can give me some pointers."

"I hate agreeing with her on any level," the otherworlder spoke up, "But I don't see any 'training session' with her ending with anything less than a demolished and/or burning training area."

"Serafall," I turned towards the Maou, "Have they finished fixing the fake Kuoh?"

"You and Kara-chan tore that place a new one, so it's partially rebuilt right now." She answered. "Although, this is the third favor you've asked me for in the last few minutes. I can't possibly let you have so many without getting something in return."

Oh, hell no.

"I'm not wearing a magical girl outfit." I deadpanned. "I know you have one already sized and made that you plan to stuff me into at the earliest opportunity, but I don't think that's an equivalent cost compared to what I'm asking for."

"Are you sure? It's extra frilly." Serafall smiled giddily at the no doubt unholy image in her head.

"Hope he's shaved, frilly clothes and androgenic hair do NOT mix." Issei absently mused out loud. I ignored him.

"Yes, I've never been more sure of anything in my life." I once again deadpanned.

"Oh fine, this'll do just as well anyway." She rushed over and hugged my waist in the blink of an eye. "Let me snuggle with you tonight!"

"Sera, we've got company over and everything." I exclaimed before immediately regretting it.

"And now we're starting to sound like a married couple!" The Maou chirped happily.

My unfortunate response to this was to babble incoherently for a few moments before being interrupted.

"Just do it already, Emiya." Karasuba rolled her eyes. "I've got to deal with the porn-monger, apparently, so there's no reason you can't snuggle a magical girl for one night."

"Hate you too Gin-chan." Issei shrugged while scrolling through his phone. For what, it was probably better we didn't know.

"Snuggle me too." Shirone latched onto my other side. "Then feed me breakfast in the morning."

"He already feeds you breakfast anyway." Serafall tried pushing the nekoshou girl away. "And don't intrude on me and Shi-chan's private time!"

"You aren't snuggling him until tonight! I'll snuggle him now!"

"He doesn't owe you several favors!"

"It's his reward for always feeding me!" Their argument devolved into incoherent yelling as they wound up in a shoving match on the floor.

"Does anyone else have anything they'd like to add?" I sighed. "And I mean for war preparations?"

"I think at some point you and I should train." The otherworld Issei spoke up. "I can show you a few moves that'll help you evade Ophis a bit better and up your reaction time. And I've got a few ideas I've honestly been wanting to try for Boosting your projections."

"Ordinarily, I'd be frightened of an even more destructive version of those weapons." Sona admitted. "But with the threat we face, it's best to explore all options available to us. Dare I say the situation is so dire I'd even consider giving Saji one of those weapons."

"Oh, can you get me some of those arrows, or maybe that malleable sword?" Said boy raised his hand enthusiastically.

"Isn't there supposed to be a rule about mastering a weapon first before practicing with their overpowered legendary variant?" Our Issei asked, confused. "You know, to make sure that nobody dies when using them?"

"Nobody cares about rules these days, apparently." His counterpart sighed. "Telling you right now, I'm not cleaning up the bodies if someone blows themselves up. I still haven't been compensated for the last time I had to do carpet duty."

"Carpet duty?"

"Have you ever seen a mafia movie?"

"Seriously, what kind of twisted childhood did you have?"

"I think it'd be best if we find somewhere to actually let that stuff loose first." I sweat-dropped. "Sona, do you have anywhere in mind?"

"Between Rias and I, there's no shortage of land or other specialized training areas we can provide." The Sitri Heiress confirmed. "In fact, if my sister is willing, we can use her training area."

"Of course, anything for my little So-tan." Serafall answered cheerfully before going back to wrestling with Shirone on the floor.

"That takes care of the training area." Rias crossed her arms. "Now we need to talk curriculum. Sona and I both have notes on things we can all improve on, but we'll need to adjust accordingly since the Khaos Brigade isn't made up of just Devils. The Hero Faction has several humans, so adding combat against holy weapons is going to be on the agenda. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to add?"

A number of hands were raised, and suggestions were tossed around for the next several minutes.

Once all was said and done, Serafall went off to make a quick call while everyone else made to either head out or go find a place to sleep in my house. As for me, I had one last issue that needed to be ironed out before I could fully focus on the upcoming war effort. That is, if my guest decided he wanted to do it.

"Hey Issei, can we talk for a moment?" I called to him as he started walking down the hallway to his room.

"What ish it?" He responded, his voice muffled due to his mouth currently being stuffed with a Pop-tart. I had no clue where he got it from, but it definitely wasn't anywhere in my house. American snacks were too artificial and sweet for my tastes.

"You mentioned dealing with the nobility a lot back in your world, right?" I began.

"Yeah, do you need help dealing with one?" The Otherworlder got straight to the point after swallowing the rest of his snack, looking at me skeptically. "Kinda surprised you're going to me for this sort of thing. Given this isn't my world, my sway and grasp on who's who and did what here is full of gaping holes at best. What's so bad that you're not going to Sera first?"

"Zekram Bael." I tried not to grit my teeth at saying that asshole's name out loud, and did not miss Issei going rigid for a brief instant. "You remember he was one of the main proponents for my participating in the Rating Games, right? We need a wild card, someone he can't get a good read and hold over to throw him off his game."

The fact that I was actually going to Issei of all people in the first place for help underscored just how badly the Devil was undermining our efforts to get anything done by the books. It wasn't to the point where I was committed to taking care of him permanently, but the idea was growing ever more tempting with each passing headache he caused.

"Yeah, you guys did say something about proving Reincarnated Devils could be just as strong as pure bloods." Issei nodded slowly, and for once I had trouble reading what was going through his forced blank expression. "You think the guy's still on your ass even with the whole thing going to shit?"

"I don't know for sure." I admitted. "All I know is it'd be great to have one less schemer interested in me when we're all trying to save the universe."

"Sure, yeah, I can take care of Bael." The Sekiryuutei shrugged.

"Now don't feel obligated to do it." I continued. "I understand if you don't."

"I don't feel obligated." Issei assured. "This is on the house."

"In fact, I'm probably asking way too much of you."

"I got it."

"But if you think—"

"Oi!" He snapped his fingers in front of my face to snap me out of my one-sided attempt to convince him. "I already said I'd do it!"

"You will?" I blinked in slight surprise. "Just like that? I was ready to make a deal and everything."

"I'm unstable, not ungrateful. I've got a good setup going already as far as unwanted parallel dimension kidnappings go." Issei sighed, and then held up a few fingers and started counting down. "You feed me, you're housing me, you put up with my severely unhinged bullshit, you stood up to the Maous for me, your daily drama has provided some of the best entertainment I've had in ages, and you're Shirou-Fucking-Emiya. Getting a dickhead elder off your back is the least I can do."

"Thanks." I rubbed the back of my head. "I'll owe you one after this."

"Eh, I'm sure it's pretty even right now." The otherworlder shrugged.

We discussed a few details about how it would go down before retiring for the evening. Though, I didn't get as much sleep as I would've liked.

The Next Day

It was funny to think about after resting for a few hours. An attack on the Rating Games Arena and a literal war started just yesterday and yet, looking at things right now, you wouldn't know it. Case in point, me staring at the ceiling with a Serafall snuggled under my arm, sleeping peacefully as if she didn't have a care in the world.

I wondered if she's just taking in a moment before she got blasted with busy-work.

The sound of my door opening drew my attention.

A white blur zipped through it and was at my other side in the blink of an eye.

"Shirou." Shirone groaned while curling up next to me. "Breakfast time."

"I'll be on my way as soon as I can get Serafall up." I promised. "Just wait another minute." That clearly wasn't the answer she was hoping for. The nekoshou girl pouted adorably before flipping over to the other side of the bed and picking up both me and the magical girl Maou. "Hey, Shirone, wait a minute!"

"Breakfast now." She declared before racing to the kitchen with both of us held over her head. Amazingly, Serafall just shifted position to where she was holding onto my back and still sleeping.

"There's the finish line Shi-chan." The magical girl Maou mumbled in her sleep. "You'll get a special reward if you win."

"I'm sure I would." I sighed while getting everything ready to cook. Shirone was, naturally, already at her usual spot at the table, waiting expectantly. As I went for my cutlery, I heard the doorbell ring. "Could someone get that, cooking right now!"

"I shall answer it my lord!" Xenovia declared, rushing over to the door with Clarent in one hand. I would've protested her using that while anywhere near my house, but she'd already opened the door… and paused.

"Hello Xenovia." A familiar brown-haired girl greeted. "How's your new Knight position treating you?"

"Irina," the blue-haired sword girl stared at her in shock, "What are you doing here?"

Omake

Serafall paused and turned around. She half-expected it to be another poorly timed or executed assassination attempt, but was moderately surprised to see it was their abnormal guest standing a short distance away with his ever-perpetual semi-glazed look in his eyes.

"Oh? Isn't this a surprise? What ever have I done to catch your attention, Issei Hyoudou?" She smiled impishly while making no attempt to hide her magic being primed in case of an attack. She still remembered their earlier fight and how difficult the boy could be if he wanted to.

The teen merely sighed as though going through a chore. "You're trying too hard."

The vaguely phrased statement only slightly threw her off. "Come again? You're going to have to be a bit more specific."

Holding up his left hand, the foreign Sekiryuutei flickered his Sacred Gear in and out of reality at an admittedly impressive speed that probably would have escaped the notice of anyone under the upper ranks of Devil society. In the process, he withdrew a magazine of all things, which he held out to her.

Well then, this certainly wasn't expected. Knowing the unstable boy's personality, it likely wasn't a trap, but it couldn't help to be careful.

Slowly checking it for spells and other unwanted gimmicks and coming out negative, she scanned the document and was pleasantly surprised.

It was a catalog. Not for sex toys, but for adult-sized onesies.

"Men don't do frills, we do comfort." The teen went on in his usual dead-even tone whenever his buttons weren't pushed while the Maou turned each page with increasing interest.

"This… changes everything." The air around her started to genuinely shimmer as her excitement grew. "Not just Shi-chan, but So-tan too. The possibilities. The custom orders…"

"Have fun." His job done, Issei turned and started to walk away without a shred of guilt for the horrors he had just unleashed.

"Heheheh. Hehehehe! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Serafall no longer held any regrets about aiding the foreign Sekiryuutei.

Everyone in Shirou's home shuddered as they felt a disturbance in the cosmic order.

"You do realize everyone here will swear revenge for this once they trace this back to you." Ddraig chided as he turned a corner. "Especially the sister."

"I already survived it once. Now it's their turn."

And so, yet another horror has been unleashed on our unsuspecting heroes, a horror of the onesie kind! And for those who haven't heard, WWII veteran and Pop-Tart man, William Post, passed away just a few days ago. Let us all take a moment, like GAIWP Issei did, and enjoy one in his honor. Stop in next time as training begins once more for our heroes! 'Til then.