Lost In Purple

Chapter 67: Letting Go

Johnny's POV

Closing my eyes has never been so cathartic. The tranquility of utmost silence, with no aggravating voices being flung in my direction, with the satisfying feeling of the harrowing aches evanescing into oblivion. Pestilence is all that would have remained if my grandfather, my mother, and Professor King didn't give me the clarity I needed so desperately. The events replay in my mind, encapsulating every detail as if I actually were reliving it, feeling what I felt. The blackness that encapsulates my sight soon recreates the environment that was my childhood home. Seeing my father unravel the emotional consequences of what he put me through…it was an amazing feeling…but also an appalling feeling at the same time. I hear everyone's voice replay in my head as perfectly as they could be when I envision him remaining silent. My mother, more excited than me to discover more about the life of Walter 'The Ghost' Worthington, moves her mouth yet no sound escapes. She even gasps when an old dusty portrait was dug from the depths of my childhood home, and it was a monster that looked exactly like me. Everything from the dark purple fur, the two tusks on the bottom jaw that are shown from an underbite, the purple irises, horns that curve upwards and outwards, and a buff physique that could send most monsters running for the hills…it was like looking into a mirror. The only difference was a sophisticated clothing choice and a nasty looking scar on his right eye.

My grandfather's deep and brassy voice reverberates within my skull like a cinematic masterpiece was being projected into my head. "It was quite the shock for me when you were born, you being one hell of a doppelganger. It felt like it was my job to make sure that Walter didn't have to go through that again, but everytime I would take you out for a weekend of fun, or you would simply spend time with me, I would always be reminded that you are your own person... No matter how much I wanted to change the past, you were changing it for me... I tried my hardest to make you the best monster you could be along with your mother, but it seemed that everything and everyone else taught you differently."

It's true, I was taught to be someone who would satisfy the prospects others laid out for me, and I was never taught to be satisfied with myself. Never did I even think about structuring my life for me or becoming a Scarer that I wanted to be. I'm just grateful that my family was able to save me from that horrid mindset. Every sight fades out for a second before I'm standing in front of my mother at the doorsteps once again. She gives me a grand smile before grabbing my head, pulling me down slightly, and planting her lips on my forehead before stating, "Be good for me, ok? I'm always just a phone call away if you ever need to talk."

"Is there a day where I can just stop by and see you? Or are you still busy?" I asked.

"Hmm, I technically don't have any off time still, but I think it's time for me to start taking time off, get ready to sell the brand, and go places with you and your father. Maybe the weekends? Would that work?" My mother replied.

I nodded my head, feeling like I'm part of a normal family like everyone else. "I'll find the time then. Are you sure that Dad won't be angry with you or I for changing? Would he actually want to do something other than work?"

My mother clicks her tongue. "Oh don't worry about that, John. One thing that he's forgotten about is how stubborn I am. I'll drag him around with me if the last thing I do, up until he can no longer kick and shout like the gargantuous baby he is. Now, go back to school and get some rest. I'm sure that you'll get the chance to apologize and everything will be alright."

This memory dissipates and I just see black once more. As much as she wanted to relieve all the stress I had about fixing things with Melanie, I'm almost certain that things won't ever get better between us. I think I know Melanie better than anyone else, and I can safely assume that she won't forgive my behavior. She's the kind of person that doesn't tolerate cruelty, and that's pretty much all I've shown her since the beginning of the semester. If she chooses not to give me a second chance, I'll understand where she's coming from and let her go like I already have.

The nothingness slowly changes and now I'm recalling the ride back to campus with the Professor. His deadpan expression never shifting and the golden hollowness behind his eyes never lets him lose his focus as we fly down the Thornberry roads and towards Monsters University. We eventually pull up into Frat Row and he keeps the car locked shut.

"Johnny…" He sighed.

Hearing him call me by my first name is almost uncomfortable, especially when he makes himself seem like the most cultured and refined monster this world has ever seen. He doesn't even look at me, and creepily stares through the windshield towards the night as if inspecting some sort of unexplainable situation.

"I implore you to rethink everything about yourself. I've seen what happens to those who lose everything they've ever loved…in fact, there's been many Scarers I've been too slow to help in situations like yours before they died. Seriously...Who is it that you wish to be? Do you want to be that monster, the one who not only disappoints your family, but also yourself?" He advises.

There's many things that I wish to be, but knowing which one has always been a trouble that I could never deal with. However, I don't want to be the monster I have been these last few months anymore. Instead, I want to be the kind of monster that made me feel absolutely ecstatic like when I was a kid. Watching Mr. Gunderson, and all the others on the Scare Floor do what many consider to be impossible, gave me the good kind of butterflies; They gave me that instant rush of adrenaline that cannot be compared to anything else in the world...I want to feel that again, while also feeling at peace with myself.

The Professor takes a deep breath. "No matter what happens, you have to know that there's only so much that I can do to help you. You're the one that decides whether your ready to live happily or not. You see, living is to forgive yourself…even when it feels like nobody else will forgive you. Forgiving is…choosing to finally forget about how you once saw yourself. I know it feels like you have to be tough, competitive, ambitious, charming, assertive, and all these other things… but you can't force yourself to be like that in order to be accepted. You can't forgive yourself…unless you love yourself… and unfortunately, if you don't love who you are, then neither will Melanie."

It made so much sense. If the best of the best wasn't pleased with a literal flawless performance, then how would Melanie be pleased with herself? It was because of my hate for failure, my unwillingness to be happy with myself, that Melanie felt like she couldn't be happy with me either. At least…that was a part of it. I'll of course have to apologize to Oozma Kappa, and everyone else that I've wronged…but I was leading her into the same trap that my father put me in. A trap of never-ending dissatisfaction…and knowing how Melanie was when I first met her, that must have been a nightmare she wouldn't let herself get into.

The sights within this otherworldly landscape fade to black for the last time, but the Professors voice still echoes profoundly. "However, after all those nights worrying about what's going to happen to yourself, after all those emotional breakdowns that almost killed you, after all those years of thinking that you weren't deserving of the life you wanted…it wasn't your fault…and I hope you, and the Walter that resides deep within your heart, can realize that one day."

Those words repeat themselves several times before the sleep I've been wanting to get for years finally envelopes my body, leading me towards the first steps to becoming the monster I've always wanted to be.

One day later

It's weird standing here in front of everyone again, acting like nothing bad ever happened to me. I don't blame them though, they'll probably think I'll snap out of embarrassment if they bring it up. It's a perk that comes with being the arrogant rich-kid, but I'll be able to slowly change that into something that isn't so...negative. It will take some time for me to return to my normal self though, so it might take longer than it should. The cul-de-sac is bumping once again, filled to the brim with Scaring students who are seeking out a good time. Groups of students are crowding the street with cups of alcohol in their hands and slurred speech. Muffled rock music and dance music echo through the air, and party lights line the houses to make the night seem lively. The JOX have decided to take control of this party by having a literal rave in their house, which isn't necessarily a first for them but it's odd to see so many people there at once. They usually keep they're heads low so that they can fulfill their fanatical desires while nobody is looking, but they must have decided to go on a different path this time since they got in trouble recently. Speaking of which, it's weird that they're even hosting it after George and Omar left them and exposed their dreadful behavior to the school. Javier told me that Percy and Baboso got off with a slap on their wrist again, and now they're all back to normal. I wish I could go back to normal…in fact, I would kill someone for everything to go back to the way things were…when things were easy. Wow…I really know how to ruin a good time for myself. Just a few minutes ago I was feeling like a basic college student, recklessly partying until the sun rises, but now I'm back to overexaggerating as to how my life has been ruined.

"You doing alright, amigo?" Javier asks while putting his hand on my left shoulder blade.

"Yeah," I sigh and growl at the same time, "Just tired of school. I really wish they could just let us go already."

Javier chuckles before patting me on the back, apparently not noticing that I'm lying. "I'm right there with you Señor, nothing is really exciting me anymore. Hmm…maybe I'm a reckless thrill seeker at heart for wanting to be a Scarer." His smile then disappears and turns into a serious look after seeing me daydream. He continues grasping into his red solo cup filled with alcohol, ignoring all of the fun places in front of him, and speaks his mind. "Is that really what you want though? You said that you're fine but your still not acting like yourself. I have this feeling, amigo, that you'll still be in this…slump of yours."

A slump… is that what he wants to call it? It's more of a grand emptiness that's waiting to be filled. Regardless of what he calls it, I don't think my answer would change very much. "No, it's not," I reply while staring out at the many happy monsters who are on cloud nine, "If I'm being honest with you…with myself…What I really want is Melanie."

Javier turns his head to look in the direction I'm looking. He then exhales in a helpless manner, probably because he knows that he can't particularly help me with that condition. "…I get it, Johnny. I have had similar situations with women before. Of course it wasn't at the level of what you're feeling, but if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be... Although If I could, I would try everything to give her back to you."

"I know Jav…I know," I respond after moving my eyes down to the black pavement.

"I'll be there for you no matter what. I know that I'm not comparable to your dama de la luna, but I couldn't possibly see you living like this for the rest of your life. I just want you to feel free again. Chip and Chet feel this way too," Javier adds, "We miss the old you, the you who would do anything to have a good time."

I nod my head, hopefully getting the message across that I'm listening. I don't want him to see me like this forever either, but it's a natural thing to feel this way after someone important to me leaves my life entirely. I'll simply have to go through the motions and eventually move on the bigger and better things, but that will take some time.

"I think I'll call it a night Jav. I'll see you tomorrow," I mumble.

"Oh? Are you sure? No beer pong or dancing tonight?" Javier questions.

"Nah, not feeling it. Don't worry though, I'll be back to my normal self soon enough," I answer. With a swift twist of my spine, my legs are able to send me towards the ROR house, leaving all the partygoers that made me so excited at the beginning of year behind me. I'm honestly bewildered at everything I've gone through within a few short months. In the end, the Scare Games were fun even if we 'lost' and I was blindsided by my lust for power, and everything I've done with my classmates are things that I won't soon be forgetting. That raid on Fear Tech is especially something I'll be retelling a few years down the line. However, I'm mostly bewildered that I was all of a sudden able to actually do what I've been saying for a while now: letting Melanie go. A majority of the year was centered around her, and letting her go essentially forces me to relinquish my memories of a majority of the year, but I'm starting to feel a little more at peace knowing that I can solely focus on my dream of becoming a Scarer. Everything I ever wanted was right in front of me, and now is my last chance of following through in taking it all.

All of this causes me to remember what Professor King told me… Living is to forgive yourself…you can't love yourself unless you forgive yourself…it wasn't your fault. Neither Melanie or I could be blamed for what happened between us, it was an accumulation of irrational yet emotional fear that drove us apart, and even though I just learned about all of that within just a few days, I've learned to never fall victim to that again. I think I've come to forgive myself…love myself even, for getting as far as I have under such stressful conditions and surviving them too. Most of all, I forgive Melanie. Not because she did anything wrong, but because of the fact that she knew herself better than anyone and chose what was best for her. I have no say on what she wants, and it's a shame that I didn't see that sooner. Hopefully this realization will give me some peace of mind…and hopefully this means that this 'little bit of Walter' that still lives inside me can feel the same. That bit of emptiness that I've been feeling was simply a lack of rapture that comes with a break-up.

So here I am…finalizing my feelings and walking towards that greater tomorrow, of which Hazel promised me. I'll gladly take it, because anything of such calming caliber is better than what I've been experiencing over my entire life. I'll let myself go back to having fun with my brothers on a daily basis, and passionately progressing my dream of being one of the scariest monsters in the world. So yeah... I think I know who I am now. I'm just a monster. Sure I have wealth, confidence, and vanity, but that's all I really am. I'm just a monster like everybody else…I feel the same things, I see the same things, and I have issues of my own. Instead of fighting for my place on a pedestal that doesn't exist…I'll instead give everyone else a gentle push in the direction they have always wanted to go…because we all know that Mike needed it, that Sullivan needed it, that Randall needed it, that Ronan, Evelyn, Hazel, Ambrose, and Juno needed it.

I guess that's why I'm so stuck up on this…because Melanie was the one that needed that push more than anyone else…and now she'll be lost in that sea of purple alone.

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"It feels bad living a life without her doesn't it?"

Hey friends, just want you to know that I'll be taking a break for a little bit. I had a rough month and got behind on writing, but I'll be back soon.

Thanks for reading,

Lupinelectro