Chapter 5

"How can it be snowing!?" exclaimed Nami. "It was sunny just a moment ago!"

The rest of the crew didn't seem to mind the sudden change of weather. Usopp and Luffy were playing in the snow that had accumulated on the deck, Zoro was napping, Sanji was shoveling snow, and Mr. 9 and Vivi—or I guess I should say Miss Wednesday at this point—had somehow persuaded Fencer to act as a makeshift heater for them. But seconds after Nami shouted that, the blizzard turned into rain and lightning.

"What the hell is with this ocean? It's like all the laws of nature just went out the window," she said, almost to herself. "Sanji, take the helm and turn the ship one hundred and eighty degrees! We've gotten turned around."

In the minute it took to do that, yet another obstacle appeared.

"ICEBERG!" The frantic warning was met with shouts of fear from the crew.

Time to show off. I summoned Skeleton Buddy to my side and sent him over to Zoro, who was somehow still sound asleep. Meanwhile, I headed for the bow of the ship.

"Everybody calm down! I know it looks like we're boned, but I've got this. Hey, Luffy, grab my spine!"

The captain grabbed my lumbar vertebrae, which is fancy talk for the bones in my lower back.

"Alright, when I break that iceberg, reel me in, okay?"

"You can do that?" he asked.

Rather than answer verbally, I took off running and jumped off the bow of the ship. I raised my fists above my head, waited for what I thought was the right moment, and brought my fists down on the iceberg.

It worked like a charm. The iceberg cracked and then split down the middle like a log under an axe. Luffy reeled me in like I told him to, and he was beaming once I was back on deck. "That was so cool! How'd you do that?"

Usopp chimed in with a question of his own. "How strong are you?"

I wished I had eyebrows to waggle. "I drink a lot of milk."

Meanwhile, Skeleton Buddy was standing in front of the sleeping Zoro. "Hey, Nami! Want me to wake Zoro up?"

"Hell yes!" was the response he got.

SB grabbed Zoro by the collar and started shaking him. "Wake up, you drunk motherfucker!"

When that got nothing out of the green-haired swordsman, he decided to try another route. He took a step back and declared, "Zoro, I, the Wado-Ichimonji, command you to wake up!"

Zoro immediately sat bolt upright. "Yes, master."

It took a moment for him to become aware of what was going on—and notice everyone staring at him, trying to hold in laughter.

Zoro blushed hard and slugged SB, who proved too slow to dodge.

After that, we continued our struggles against the weather with all hands on deck. It was great to have Zoro awake and contributing, seeing as we needed all the help we could get.

When the weather finally cleared up, everyone collapsed, exhausted from trying to keep the ship on course. I felt fine. I chalked it up to the benefits of not having muscles. I'd probably never get sore again.

With the danger in our rearview, I decided it was time to follow up on something I'd said at Reverse Mountain.

"Hey, Zoro, would you mind telling us what you know about our guests?"

"You're the one who apparently knows everything," he said without missing a beat. "So how about you tell us what you know?"

I really hadn't expected a comeback like that. I looked at the two Baroque Works agents, who were looking worried now that the subject had been brought up again.

"If you guys are too nervous to explain yourselves, feel free to just jump off the ship and swim."

They didn't respond, and I was hit with a slight pang of regret. It was one thing to be nervous when someone knew your dirty little secrets, but they'd frozen up like a couple of deer in the headlights, and that was almost pitiable.

"Okay," I gave in and began to explain for myself, dispelling Skeleton Buddy. "As I said before at Reverse Mountain, these two are part of a group called Baroque Works. They seem so freaked out because it's a very secretive group that no one is supposed to know exists. But the place we're taking them, Whiskey Peak, is their home. Once we—" I glanced at our guests and frowned. "Wait, guys, could we meet in the kitchen? Crewmembers only?"

I filed us into the kitchen. Before anyone could say anything, I explained, "I'll tell you guys about Baroque Works, but I don't want those clowns warning their cohorts when we arrive in Whiskey Peak."

"Can you tell us about Broke Works now?" Luffy asked. It seemed like he was getting a little impatient, so I didn't bother pointing out that he got the name wrong.

"Whiskey Peak is a trap for pirates like us. The people there will act nice, but they'll eventually try and drug us so they can turn us in for our bounties."

"What makes you so sure about that?" Sanji asked skeptically.

"I just am. So…anyone have a plan?"

Their reaction was not what I'd hoped for.

"Are you kidding me?!" shouted Nami. "All this knowledge, and you don't have a plan?"

I shrugged my bony shoulders. "Look, I may know a lot of stuff, but I'm not that great at strategizing, so I'm just looking for suggestions." That wasn't entirely true; I did have at least one or two details of this arc planned for. But I'd already dropped enough insider knowledge on them today and I didn't want to accidentally change the story.

"Seriously, dude?" Even Fencer seemed disappointed.

"Yeah, the only plan I have is just to play along with the townsfolk when they say they celebrate pirates. Also, if they throw us a feast or a party, don't eat or drink anything, obviously."

The crew still looked doubtful. I didn't really have anyone to blame for their skepticism but myself. After all, I kept giving them instructions despite not being the captain, and the fact that I hadn't provided a source for my information probably hurt my case too.

When we went back outside, Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday were gone. Judging by how close we were getting to shore, I figured they'd probably jumped at the chance to bail on us.

"Hey, if we were all in there, who was steering the ship while we were talking?" asked Luffy. "Was it the other Declan?"

That question left us all dumbstruck because 1., it was a really good question, and 2., Luffy had been the one to ask it.

"Uh, Luffy? I made Skeleton Buddy disappear before we came in here. I think the Merry was steering herself," I theorized.

"What are you talking about? Ships can't steer themselves," Usopp said.

"You forget, Usopp, that the Merry is no ordinary ship," I said, putting a hand on the railing.

A short while later, we got close enough to make landfall. The island's occupants flooded out to the shore and greeted us very warmly.

"HOORAY!" "WELCOME!" "HUZZAH!"

I'd never had a crowd cheer for me like this, sincere or not. It made me feel anxious. But I could tell by the smiles on their faces and the gleams in their eyes that Usopp, Luffy, and Sanji were already being won over by the cheering crowd.

I wrapped my arms around the three. "Come on, guys. We went over this already, and even if we hadn't, I shouldn't have to tell you that this is too good to be true."

"Ah, quiet, shitty skeleton," Sanji rebuffed.

Soon after, we exited our ship and met 'Igarapoi,' the 'mayor' of Whiskey Peak, and then the party was about to begin. But first, it was time to make a little use of my omnipotence. There was something I had to do.

"Excuse me, guys. I'll be right back." I took Fencer off my shoulder, put her on the ground, and headed for the ship.

After I got back to the group, Nami asked me, "What were you doing?"

I gave her my pre-planned response.

"I was shaving my beard."

These goons in sheep's clothing certainly knew how to throw a party. It had been hours since it started, but it was still going strong.

The crew had ignored my warning and indulged in all manner of refreshments and activities: Nami and Zoro were outdrinking any and all challengers, Sanji was flirting with all the ladies, Usopp was telling false tales of his bravery, and Luffy was just pigging out. Oh, well. I knew Zoro and Nami wouldn't succumb to the spiked drinks, and I figured I could just try waking up Luffy, Usopp, and Sanji once the fighting started.

I had used my extra time on the ship to think of what I could do to help during the events of this arc. Once the crew had all passed out, I simply asked the nearest partygoer where I could find a bed. The guy was happy to show me to one, believing I too was falling for the trap.

As I got into the bed, I whispered to Fencer, "Pretend to fall asleep."

We only had to wait about ten minutes before we heard footsteps coming towards us. When they stopped, I threw my blanket at the guy, distracting him long enough for me to knock him out with a punch to the kisser.

"Okay Fencer, here's the plan. You go help Zoro fight all those mooks outside, not that he needs it"—I muttered that last part—"while I go wake the rest of the crew. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

With that, we parted ways.

Fencer made her way outside, following the sound of gunfire, assuming correctly that Zoro would be in the middle of it. Along the way, she encountered two bounty hunters wielding swords.

"Hey, look! It's the Straw Hats' fire ferret!"

"I'm gonna cook it and eat it!"

"Oh hell no," she said, irritated. "You bitches are the ones that are gonna be cooked."

Her entire body caught fire as she charged at one of the guys, slamming into him headfirst. The man stumbled back, coughing up a little blood while Fencer rebounded off him and tackled the other bounty hunter, achieving the same result.

Fencer looked over her handiwork; both guys were out cold with burn marks on their chests. Nodding to herself, she continued following the sounds of battle, which led her up onto the roof of a nearby building. There she found the swordsman staring down Miss Wednesday, who was standing on a giant duck and using moves fit for a belly dancer.

The fire ferret didn't know what to make of the sight until she saw the swordsman drop to his knees, clearly affected by the pink mist that seemed to be coming from Wednesday. Figuring she ought to do something, she ran towards the Baroque Works agent, jumped at her, and cut off the dancing woman's ponytail with her bladed tail. Miss Wednesday froze.

Fencer's offensive move snapped Zoro out of his daze, causing him to notice the fire ferret, who was now giggling uncontrollably.

"Pff," she snickered. "That little 'haircut' makes her look a bit like our navigator."

Miss Wednesday was still frozen in horror, though her hand snaked up to feel her nonexistent locks. Zoro returned his gaze to the blue-haired agent.

"Oh, yeah, I can kinda see that."

During the fray, Igarapoi had snuck onto the scene and was ready to fire his sax when he and the two pirates realized that Miss Wednesday was turning beet red.

"Yoooooouuuu," she hissed, twirling her peacock slashers.

Her duck, Carue, was getting nervous under her, but Zoro and Fencer just looked perplexed.

"HOW DARE YOU CUT MY HAIR?!"

I went back to the room where the others had passed out, only to find that Nami wasn't there; she must've left to loot other buildings.

I walked over to where Sanji was lying. I had a plan to wake each of them up.

"Hey Sanji, you'd better wake up. Even more beautiful ladies have shown up…"

He shot up like a bullet with hearts in his eyes. Looking around, his face fell when he saw it was just me. Needless to say, I got kicked hard. I didn't let it keep me down though, and went about waking up the next crewmate.

I did some searching around to find what I was looking for: milk. When I found some, I walked over to Usopp, fished around in his item pouch, and pulled out what I was looking for: a Tabasco star.

I popped it into his mouth, made him swallow it, and waited for the fireworks.

While Usopp was flailing about, trying to put out the fire in his mouth with the glass of milk I'd prepared, Sanji asked, "What's going on here, Declan?"

"I'll explain once we wake Luffy."

That would be easy. I leaned over toward the captain. "Hey, Luffy, I've got cake."

Our bloated captain immediately woke up. "Cake? Where?"

"Hehehe, sorry, Luffy, but the cake was a lie."

"Jerk," he pouted.

"Now, could you please explain what's going on here?" Sanji asked.

"There wouldn't be anything to explain if you'd just listened to me the first time," I told him. "The townsfolk were just acting nice. They drugged you guys to sell you out. Zoro and Fencer are outside fighting and I'm pretty sure Nami is out looting."

"Alright then, let's go help the others," Luffy declared. And with that, we headed out.

Mr. 9 and Igarapoi had joined in the battle, only to get thrashed and knocked out. One of Miss Wednesday's slashers had been cut, she had a gash on her torso and left forearm, and one of her boots had been burned off, the skin underneath singed—but she was still going strong, fueled by pure rage.

"Is she really fighting this hard just because I cut her hair?" Fencer asked.

"Who cares?" Zoro replied.

Wednesday charged.

Zoro readied his swords. Once Wednesday got close enough, he sidestepped her slash and hit her in the nape of her neck with the base of his sword, knocking her off the roof and down to the ground.

"Finally," Fencer sighed as she and Zoro made their way off the roof. Once they did so, they heard a new voice.

"I gotta say, this is mighty pathetic."

Zoro, Fencer, and the semiconscious Miss Wednesday turned their heads to look at a tan man wearing a russet trench coat and sunglasses accompanied by a blond woman in a yellow, lemon-covered dress carrying a parasol.

Finding our friends in this crazy town was proving harder than I thought it would be. We had searched several dark streets and still hadn't found them.

"Hey, guys! They're over there—and they've got company!" Luffy said, pointing to our left and directing our gaze at Zoro's unmistakable hair as he and Fencer stood across from the strange pair. As we got closer, Nami also stepped out from her hiding place, holding a sack of whatever valuables she'd been stealing.

"Well, well, looks like everyone's here," I said loudly.

"And just who are you guys?" Zoro asked the new duo nonchalantly.

"That's none of your business, so scram if you know what's good for you," said the man, and I tried not to smile. Mr. 5 couldn't have known that I already knew just who he was.

His threats made our swordsman grin too. "And if we don't?"

Mr. 5's glasses flashed. "Then you're in for some trouble."

"Okay, guys, I think I've got this all figured out," I said. "Nami, Usopp, and Fencer can fight the lemon lady, while the rest of us fight the weirdo who's wearing sunglasses at night for some reason."

"Hey, Declan, how come you don't know these guys' names?" Luffy asked.

"Oh, I do. Their names are Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine," I explained to the utter shock of the duo. "It was just more fun to describe them li—"

"Wait a second," Fencer interrupted. "You said you weren't good at strategizing. Isn't this a strategy?"

"If it helps, at least half the stuff I've come up with so far was on the fly," I said.

Fencer rolled her eyes. "It doesn't."

Meanwhile, Vivi was slowly getting to her feet. I knew she would, but it was still a sight to see. I swear, the amount of damage the humans in One Piece can take is crazy.

Then I remembered something else. "Sanji, you're in charge of guarding this lady. She's the one they're after." I gestured to Vivi.

"On it!" he said.

"Now, I think I'll do us all a favor and get this little party started." I began walking towards our new pair of enemies.

Mr. 5 immediately brought a finger to his nose. Knowing what would come, I broke into a sprint, wanting to stop him. Unfortunately, even with my skeleton speed, he was too quick on the pick and flicked an explosive booger at me.

KA-BOOM! The explosion clipped my left shoulder, breaking off two of my ribs and sending the bones from my left arm flying in every direction.

I couldn't help but let out a scream as I fell to the ground. Being caught in an explosion was easily the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life.

Luffy stared at me, stunned by the sight of me getting blown apart. Once he overcame his shock, he charged as well, aiming for Miss Valentine. He threw a gum-gum pistol, only for the lemon-clad woman to jump about a hundred feet in the air, dodging him completely.

"5000-KILOGRAM PRESS!" she shouted as she immediately torpedoed back down and landed squarely on Luffy. Fortunately, his rubber body spared him from the brunt of the attack, only incapacitating him for a brief second.

Meanwhile, Mr. 5 was picking his nose for more ammo. Fencer reacted instantly this time. "FLAMETHROWER!"

She expelled a bright stream of fire from her mouth; it would have roasted 5, had he not dodged just in time. He began to flick his ammo at Fencer, who dodged in return. The distraction allowed Zoro to close in. He slashed Mr. 5 twice in the chest, then, in an incredible feat of precision, thrust his sword's tip just far enough into the bomb-man's abdomen to take him out of the fight.

Meanwhile, Valentine had gotten away from Luffy and was aiming to crush Nami next. Good thing I wasn't in too much pain to enact my plan for that situation.

"Hey, Valentine!" I shouted. "We can see up your dress!"

"What?!" she screamed, the absurdity of that crack distracting her for a precious few seconds.

"Usopp, shoot her now!" I ordered.

Our resident sniper managed to stop shaking and pulled out his slingshot. He aimed and fired in the blink of an eye, hitting his target dead on with an exploding star. She fell to the ground, unconscious.

"T-that's impossible. You beat the Mr. 5 pair?"

We all turned to see Mr. 9 and Igarapoi—or should I say, Igaram—standing within earshot. Apparently, they had been watching our fight without interfering.

Before responding, I took a second to activate my reassembly ability; my left humerus was badly cracked and burned along with my left clavicle, but fortunately, the bones still re-attached. My two blown-off ribs were a slightly different story. The bones came back to me but didn't actually meld back into my ribcage. I'd have to heal all this later.

"We sure did," I said when I was finished, still trying to ignore my injuries. "By the way, we're also willing to help you with your prob—Yeow!"

With a smack to the back of my head, Luffy cut me off. "Declan, as captain, I say you're giving too many orders. So I order you to stop giving orders for now."

"Uhh, okay," I said, rubbing my head. "Then could someone else take charge of this conversation, please?"

"I will," Fencer volunteered. "I'll ask the questions and you guys will answer honestly, capiche?" Mr. 9, Igaram, and Vivi nodded.

"Alright, who were those guys, why were they after you, and where can we find more like them?" We all just stared at her after hearing that last one.

"What?" she asked us. "That fight was fun, but it was too short!" Luffy and Zoro nodded at that.

"Now answer."

Igaram spoke up. "They were the Mr. 5 pair, but I can't tell you why they were after us."

"Luffy, permission to tell the crew why that pair was after them?" I asked politely.

My captain hesitated, but his curiosity eventually won out. "…Granted."

"The Mr. 5 pair was after these guys because Miss Wednesday here is actually a princess who was spying on them." They all looked at me inquisitively. "Why was she spying on them, you ask?"

"Yeah, I do ask!" Luffy said. "Why?"

"That was rhetorical, Luffy. She was spying on them because Baroque Works is fucking up her country, then 5 and Valentine came to kill her when she found out their boss's identity."

Vivi and Igaram went wide-eyed once again.

"Oh, come on, Vivi, you already know that I know more than I should. Why are you still surprised?" I asked her. "You know what? Let me give you all some reasons why I think we should team up…"

I faced Usopp. "Without going into detail, we'll meet many brave warriors of the sea." Usopp's eyes widened at that.

I turned to face Sanji. "We'll be helping a lady in need." That was all he needed to hear.

Then I faced Luffy, Zoro, and Fencer. "We'll fight some very strong enemies." They all grinned.

Next was Nami. "The royals we'll be helping may feel inclined to… reward us for our help." In spite of her skepticism, her eyes lit up.

Last but not least was Vivi. "However strange you think we are, make no mistake, we are capable of saving your kingdom. Also, given the circumstances, I'm not sure you can afford to be picky."

I knew she would agree, but she still seemed a little conflicted. I really hoped these guys would come around once I told them how I knew so much.

"Declan, was all that stuff an order?" Luffy asked me with a stern look.

"No, Luffy, that was my thirty-second elevator pitch."

"Oh, okay."

"Anyway, Nami, could you take over negotiations from here please?"

"Why? You and I have done pretty well on this so far," Fencer said.

"For three reasons," I replied. "One"—I raised a bony finger—"you're kinda brash." I raised another finger. "Two, I think these guys will be put off by me no matter what I say or do. And three, Nami's the most tactful member of the crew, so she'd be better at this than either of us."

I turned to Nami. "Now, if you would—"

"Deeeclaaaan," Luffy warned.

"That wasn't an order, Luffy!" I told him, holding up my hands defensively. "I was just asking her nicely."

"Oh, okay."

Fencer made her way over to me and climbed onto my shoulder. The rest of the crew tried to pass the time as the deal was being made, but hardly a minute later, it was clear that Nami was getting the job done.

"No! I can't tell you who's in charge of Baroque Works! If I tell you, you'll be targeted too!" Vivi said frantically.

This caught Zoro's attention, and he chimed in, "Come on, your boss can't be that bad, could he?"

"He could be that bad if he's Sir Crocodile of the Seven Warlords!" Vivi shouted.

We all sat in silence for a moment.

"Wow, and he wasn't even fishing that hard," I deadpanned. Usopp and Nami began panicking. Vivi was apologizing over and over.

I started looking around. When I spotted the Unluckies, I pointed both of my index fingers at them.

"What are you do—?" Zoro asked, but before he could finish, the distal phalanges—which is fancy talk for the bones in my fingertips—of my index fingers shot off. They hit their targets dead on, perforating them and causing them to plummet to the ground.

Everyone just stared at that.

"Dude, did you just kill them?" Fencer wondered aloud.

"I think I killed the otter, I got him in the head. I'm not sure about the bird though," I said softly. I realized the rest of the crew was looking at me now. "Alright, I know that looked bad, but I swear, I tried to make that quick and painless for them."

I held up my hands defensively. I knew I needed to act quickly to keep Baroque Works from getting our names and faces, and this certainly wasn't going to help the crew trust me more; I definitely hadn't thought this through. My lack of planning just made me look like a cold-blooded killer.

Before anyone could say anything, we heard the faint sound of flapping wings. We turned and saw Miss Friday flying away. Blood was dripping from her wound, but she had a collection of drawings clutched in her talons. Mr. 13 must've drawn them before I shot him.

Shit. "Uh, could someone who's not me shoot her down?!" I yelled.

Usopp tried, but after getting shot once by me, she was clearly ready to dodge further fire. Despite his best efforts, she got away.

"Reassembly," I muttered. I heard Friday squawk in the distance as my finger bone flew out of her wound and landed back on my fingertip. Then the bone from 13's corpse flew back to me as well.

I'm going to need to wash these bones.

"So we're on Crocodile's hit list?" Nami cried. "There's nowhere we'll be able to hide now!"

Vivi interjected softly, "Um, if it's any consolation, you'll still be rewarded if you choose to help my kingdom."

"And besides," Fencer added, "this Crocodile guy can't be that tough."

Luffy walked over to me with a serious look on his face. "Declan, we need to talk."

While Igaram enacted his plan to be a decoy for Vivi and the crew readied the ship to set sail, Luffy brought me to the kitchen where no one would bother us.

"Luffy, if this is about shooting those Baroque Works agents, trust me, I don't plan on making a habit out of it," I said.

"Declan, if you need to kill to help the crew, that's fine, but I need to be sure you won't kill anyone who doesn't deserve it," he said.

"Alright. That's a promise I can make."

"Did you mean it when you said you tried to make it quick and painless?" he asked.

"I did."

"Well, keep it that way. I don't want any sadi—sardines—err…What's that word for when you like to make people suffer?" he asked.

"Sadism."

"Right, I don't want any sadisms on my crew." I had to fight not to chuckle at that.

"Okay, so only kill people if they really deserve it and keep it quick and painless. Do I have that right?"

Luffy nodded.

"Alright, captain, you have my promise." I was glad we'd gotten this sorted out. If I still had lips, I would've smiled.

BOOM!

Luffy and I looked at each other for another instant, then rushed outside.

I saw smoke in the distance, meaning that Baroque Works had already gotten to Igaram. That meant 'Miss All-Sunday' would be appearing on our ship soon.

"Igaram," Vivi whispered in horror.

"He's still alive. Trust me," I told her soothingly.

Soon everything and everyone seemed ready to go except Vivi. She was frantically looking for Carue, her supersonic duck. She calmed down when I assured her that he was already on the Merry.

I had my game plan for when Miss All-Sunday, aka Robin, showed up. I figured I'd better play nice with her. Getting on her bad side might prompt her to try and kill me, or worse, affect her future decision to join the crew.

When she made herself known, I greeted her warmly.

"Hi, Robin."

Strangely, she didn't seem even remotely surprised that I knew her real name. Her response, however, shocked me to the core.

"Hello to you too, Mister Declan."