Chapter 11

It was the dead of night when I remembered that, at around this point in the show, Captain Megamouth, aka Luffy, eats all the food the crew has left. I didn't have to worry about going hungry, but the rest of the crew did, so I thought I'd be nice and stop him.

Hiding behind the kitchen door, I waited until I heard rummaging in the fridge before making myself known.

"Hey, Luf—" I couldn't help but pause. The fridge was completely empty! "Luffy," I deadpanned, "did you just eat every bit of food in the fridge?"

For a second, it seemed like the captain was about to make up some blatant lie but, realizing he'd been caught red-handed, he came clean. "Yeah."

"How's that possible?! You only came in here, like, ten seconds ago!"

Luffy just shrugged.

The next day, the two of us got a beating from Sanji—Luffy for eating all the food we had left, and me for epically failing to stop him. After that, not much happened. The only sound was Vivi filling Mantax and Choper in about what Baroque Works was. Fortunately, I saw a cloud of steam gathering in the distance, which told me we were about to encounter another special guest.

We drifted through the steam, noticed Mr. 2 drowning, fished him out of the sea, yadda yadda yadda. The scene was quite familiar to me, but I was happy to know that things would get a little amusing soon. How could it not, when we'd just picked up one of the Straw Hat Pirates' mortal enemies?

"You all have my thanks. If it weren't for you all, I'd…" Mr. 2 paused when he saw me, Nami, and Mantax. "I'm sorry, but what exactly are you three?"

Nami subtly cringed while Mantax replied, "We could ask you the same question."

2 laughed at that. "Good comeback. My name is Bon Clay," he said, attempting to hide his identity as the rest of the crew went, unknowingly, about their conversation with him, trying to understand how he'd ended up where he did.

'Wait for it,' I thought. 'Here comes his Devil Fruit demonstration.'

As if on cue, 2 hammed it up as he drew his arm back. "This. Is my. POWE—" I caught his wrist just in time, before he could strike Luffy.

"Care to explain what that was about?" I asked as I let his arm go.

He bowed slightly. "My apologies. I suppose hitting people in the face is rather rude. Allow me to use a gentler touch."

He tapped Luffy's cheek and demonstrated his Clone-Clone powers. Then, one by one, he started tapping everyone else's faces. Before he could copy Mantax, the Bionicle villain threatened, "Touch me and you're going back overboard."

That made 2 back off nervously as he asked the crew, "Excuse me, but could someone point me to the latrine?"

Hmm, that felt random. As everyone went back to their business, I got the feeling that something about Mr. 2's behavior was off. He was slightly less friendly now than he was in canon. That made me uneasy for some reason, but I couldn't put my distal phalanx on it.

After about twenty minutes, Mr. 2 reappeared just as his ship arrived to pick him up.

"Well, my friends, I'm afraid this is goodbye for now," he said. "I must say, you're all just as nice as Mr. -1 said you'd be."

That statement made me freeze. It looked like Mr. -1 had told more than just Robin about us.

As soon as his ship was out of sight, all of a sudden, there was an explosion below deck. We all rushed downstairs to find a giant hole in the wall, a river of water gushing through it.

Seeing that we didn't have much time before the ship sank, Fencer got to work. She climbed up the wall, digging her claws into the wood. When she reached the ceiling, she stabbed her tail into it. She ran in a circle, carving a big chunk out of the ceiling.

"Quick, someone press this against the hole!" Luffy, Zoro, Mantax, and I all grabbed the piece of ceiling and did as she ordered. The seal wasn't perfect, so water was still leaking in, but it was way better than it had been a second ago.

"Carving up one part of the ship to repair another? How unorthodox," Mantax remarked.

The fire ferret chuckled. "If you have any better ideas, I'm all ears!"

"Moving on," said Zoro. "Usopp, get some stuff to patch this up. The rest of us will bail out the ship."

Once all that was done, everyone took a breather.

"Why would Bon do this?" Luffy wondered. "He seemed so nice."

"It's because he's from Baroque Works," Vivi said.

"What?!" shouted everyone but me—well, me and Mantax, but I imagined he was still at least a little surprised.

Then came the amusing scene where Vivi explained that she'd heard rumors about a man who matched Mr. 2's description pretty much exactly, followed by the crew's exasperation at her not recognizing him sooner.

Fencer confronted me next. "What the hell, dude? How come you didn't give us a heads-up?"

"Because he becomes an ally of ours at some point in the future, so making friends with him now was important," I explained.

Usopp spoke up next. "Well, you could've at least warned us that he'd blow a hole in the ship."

"That didn't happen in the comic!" I said, feeling more than a little defensive. "He was supposed to leave peacefully. I didn't know he'd plant a bomb."

Luffy looked confused. "Wait, if he didn't plant a bomb in your comic, how come he did it here?"

"I'd wager it's got something to do with this Mr. -1 we keep hearing about," Sanji guessed.

"If he's part of Baroque Works, then I'm sure we'll have our chance to pay him back for this," Mantax chimed in.

Suddenly, the ship started rocking, causing us to move back above deck. Once there, we saw a giant cat monster floating near the ship. I only barely remembered this scene from the anime, so even I was a little surprised to see it. I watched in amusement as the monster trio prepared to attack the sea cat, only to be stopped by Vivi.

Any further dialogue between the crew and the monster was cut off by everyone's stomachs growling.

"Hey, Declan?" Fencer sounded desperate. "Please tell me we're gonna make it to Alabasta before we starve."

I was about to answer when I paused; an idea was forming in my head.

"That's it!" I announced once I had it. "Mantax can breathe underwater, so he can get us food from the sea."

Almost immediately, I was treated to the entertaining sight of everyone listing off the types of fish they wanted our new crewmate to get. It wasn't long before he lost his patience.

"Shut up! You'll all get what I bring you," Mantax growled as he dove off the ship, leaving the rest of us waiting. When he got back, he was holding a twelve-foot squid and an eight-foot shark in his arms and gripping a five-foot eel in his mandibles.

Sanji grinned. "Thank God. We can have a real dinner tonight," he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "And for everyone's sake, Declan, please don't let Luffy eat it all again."

I nodded at that, staring at Luffy. He was in for a fight if he tried anything a second time.

For the next few days, I guarded our fridge while Skeleton Buddy kept watch in the crow's nest. When we finally arrived at Nanohana, our captain shot into town like a rubber bullet. Barely a minute later, Carue pointed out Mr. 3's ship nearby.

"Wait a minute." Vivi looked at me. "You knew about that, didn't you?"

"And you must have known Luffy was gonna run off, too," Fencer added. "Why do you keep holding out on us, dude?"

I thought for a few seconds before giving my defense. "Well, I didn't have a way to stop Mr. 3 from getting here before us. As for Luffy, him running off didn't cause any harm in canon, so I just let him go."

"What exactly should we do regarding Mr. 3?" Zoro asked. "The bastard's seen most of our faces already."

"I doubt he'd recognize me now," Nami muttered, looking down at her scaly hands.

Then Usopp came up with his 'genius' plan to disguise everyone. Before he could enact it, I put Fencer on my shoulder and materialized SB for guard duty. I hopped off the ship, swiftly followed by Mantax, who didn't seem interested in wearing a disguise.

I preempted the inevitable inquiry of 'Where are you going?' by calling back to the crew, "While you guys are all busy with your own jobs, I figure I'll wander off and do my own thing for a while."

"The same applies to me," Mantax chimed in, sounding almost bored. "Plus, this Mr. 3 hasn't seen my face yet. And even if he had, I wouldn't bother with a weak disguise like that."

I walked away before anything else could be said. It quickly became apparent that my side quest didn't have much of an aim. When I'd declared I wanted to do my own thing, I probably should've thought about what I'd do before taking off. Being a living skeleton, I naturally got a whole lot of stares as I wandered aimlessly through the streets.

"Wanna go to a bar or something?" Fencer asked.

I shrugged. "Eh, I don't drink."

Fencer gave me a look. "What are you, some kind of goody two shoes?"

"I just never liked the taste of booze," I explained, gesturing to myself. "Also, I can't drink, even if I wanted to. Bars usually don't allow animals inside, anyway."

As we continued meandering to nowhere, I felt something yank my right hand off. Turning around, I saw a dog running off with my hand in its mouth.

"Reassembly!" Upon my command, my hand flew out of the dog's mouth and back onto my wrist, reattaching itself instantly. For whatever reason, Fencer thought this was the funniest thing she had ever seen.

With nothing to do, the two of us started window shopping. That guy trying to sell a golden apple approached us, but even Fencer could tell it was fake. Along the rest of the street, there were people selling all kinds of junk: a Chaos Emerald, a Key Blade, a Power Coin, a Lockseed, a lightsaber, and the Max Spark, to name a few. Every single one of them was obviously fake. Looks like that golden apple guy wasn't the only con artist to be found here. There was also a red teru teru bozu. I hoped to God that one was fake.

I was reminded that this episode wasn't all fun and games when I spotted some Marines on patrol. As we hid behind some nearby crates, Fencer spoke up. "Okay, I know the captain didn't want any spoilers, but this is another thing we really could've used a warning for."

"Hey!" We froze, hoping that hadn't been directed at us. Unfortunately, upon turning around, we saw a pair of Marines heading our way.

"On second thought," I said to Fencer, "maybe we could hide out at a bar after all."

My animal companion grinned. "Sounds good. I thought of a way for you to take me inside while you were window shopping." She crawled on top of my head and curled up, making herself look like a coonskin hat.

"Now that's a nice disguise." We picked up the pace before the Marines could get too close.

Ten seconds later, we came across a bar called The Thirsty Drought. Once we got to the counter, I asked the bartender for some vodka with a lime in it. The bartender, as well as the rest of the patrons, stood in stunned silence, clearly not used to having a living skeleton in their establishment. Waving my hand in front of his face snapped him out of it. "Uh, sure."

The timing was perfect. Just as he slid me the glass, the Marines that were chasing us walked in.

"We heard Straw Hat Luffy has a living skeleton on his crew," the first one said as he came up behind us. "You're under arrest for piracy."

The second one looked me up and down. "Hey, didn't he have a fire ferret with him before?"

"Yeah, you're right," the first guy agreed before noticing my new hat. He put his hand on my shoulder. "Alright, now you're under arrest for piracy and unlicensed skinning."

That might've made me laugh if not for the grim implications. Picking the lime out of my drink, I aimed and squirted it right into the Marine's eyes. As he recoiled, the other one reached for his pistol. Unfortunately for him, it's hard to aim when the guy you're trying to shoot at splashes vodka in your face. While the two of them recovered, I dashed out of the bar.

"They're not far behind!" Fencer warned, now back on my shoulder. Damn, those guys were fast.

"What are you waiting for?" I exclaimed. "Light 'em up!"

Fencer turned around on my shoulder and let loose a stream of fire from her mouth. The two Marines slowed down a bit as they evaded the blast, but it didn't shake them. In fact, the fire just attracted more Marines. This chase was going downhill fast, and I didn't know my way around this town at all.

Mid-pursuit, I swiped a soda can from some random guy on the street. Fencer looked at me strangely as I headed into an alley. "What'd you grab that for, dude?"

"I've got an idea!"

Fortunately, it wasn't long before we came across another item I needed: a bag of Pop Rocks, which I promptly snatched from the kid holding them before he even saw me coming.

Shortly after gathering my supplies, the two of us ran into a dead end. Turning around, we saw a bunch of grunts blocking my exit, their guns aimed directly at me.

Thinking fast, I said, "I have a question for you folks. Would you all like to shoot me now, or wait 'till you get home?"

"Let's shoot him now, guys!" one of the men yelled to his compatriots.

He'd taken the bait! Now I could potentially die having pulled off a Looney Toons gag.

"You keep out of this!" I told him. "They don't have to shoot you now!"

The Marine turned back to me. "They do so have to shoot me now!" He faced his colleagues. "I demand you all shoot me now!"

The men looked between each other for a moment before shrugging and taking aim.

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

Fencer and I stared at the dead body. "Uh, heh, wow, that's… You know, it's a little less funny when someone actually dies."

The Marines had returned their attention to me, so I poured the Pop Rocks into my soda, making them gasp.

I reared my arm back and yelled, "See you in hell, Navy boys!"

Throwing the explosive mixture into the crowd of Marines, I went back to the wall, sank my finger bones into it, and started climbing.

Just before I reached the roof of the building, the explosion from my makeshift grenade propelled me into the air. Failing to land on my feet, I collapsed spreadeagle on the roof.

Fencer, lying beside me, asked, "You said you come up with stuff like that on the spot?"

"Not that time," I explained. "That time, I was just copying The Simpsons. Although, finding the stuff I needed was pure luck." I started laughing. "I can't believe I pulled that off!"

My laughter must've been contagious, because she cracked up too. "Wanna just head back to the ship, dude?"

"Yeah," I said as I got up, Fencer crawling back onto my shoulder. "But first, we're gonna make one stop."

We managed to find our way back to the ship right as the rest of the crew was getting back.

"Everyone, get the ship set up!" Nami barked out orders. As we all got to work, I waited for the crew to notice that our captain was still missing.

Everybody complained about Luffy's idiocy for a moment or two before Chopper interrupted, "Guys, Mantax gave me a note and then ran off!" We all crowded around to read what it said.

Went to get the captain while you all made a scene. Be back soon.

"Wow, that guy's fast," Usopp said.

Fencer spoke up next. "Oh! I just remembered. Vivi, Nami, Declan got some stuff for you two while we were out."

The two girls in question looked surprised while Sanji overreacted. "Why you! How dare you try to buy these ladies' affections with gifts!"

Before he could kick me, SB snuck up and restrained Sanji with a half nelson. I'd completely forgotten that we'd left him to guard the ship. Good on me for having my own back.

Ignoring the commotion, Vivi asked me, "So, what did you get?"

I reached into my hammerspace and pulled out a pair of plain white T-shirts.

"Shirts?"

"Yeah, I remembered that Sanji would get you two belly dancer outfits at this point in the story, so I got you these in case you wanted to cover up," I explained.

"How'd you know our sizes?" Nami inquired with narrowed eyes.

I shrugged. "I didn't. I just got you both a women's large."

"Why do you care so much about their state of dress?" asked Zoro.

Again, I shrugged. "I'm autistic. We nitpick stuff."

Mantax leaped across the rooftops, using his strong sense of smell to follow his captain's scent until he came upon an alley where he saw Luffy arm-wrestling a shirtless man. Jumping off the roof, he landed without making a sound. As he did, the two broke the barrel they were having their contest on.

He made himself known. "Ahem."

"What the hell?!" Ace cried.

Luffy just smiled. "Oh, hey, Taxman."

"It's Mantax," the Barraki corrected him.

Ace pulled himself together. "Wait, Luffy, you know this thing?"

Luffy nodded. "Sure do. He's part of my crew."

"Yes, and I came to lead you back to the ship since you apparently couldn't just follow us earlier," Mantax said dryly. "Come with me."

Luffy just laughed and he and Ace began following the former villain. Along the way, Ace had a little inquiry.

"So, Luffy, is everyone on your crew like this guy?" He jabbed a thumb at Mantax.

"Nope, but they're all pretty interesting." Luffy started counting on his fingers. "There's a swordsman who fights with three swords. Then there's our navigator, she likes maps and money and tangerines, and a little while ago, she turned into a dinosaur!"

That made Ace grin. "Whoa, really?"

"Yep!" said Luffy, as if it were the most natural thing in the universe. "We also have a cook who makes really great food. Then there's our sniper, who lies all the time. And in Loguetown, we picked up a fire ferret and a psychic skeleton. There's also a princess and her giant duck. And now we've got this doctor who's a reindeer, and an alien ninja." He gestured to Mantax. "That's him."

"Well, that's quite a crew you've assembled," Ace remarked with a smile, then looked at Mantax curiously. "Are you really a ninja?"

Mantax groaned. "I've told him many times that I'm not a ninja."

"So, Ace, what're you doing in Alabasta?" Luffy asked.

"What are you talking about?" Ace raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you get the message I left for you on Drum Island?"

"No," Luffy answered simply.

Ace sighed. "Oh well. Anyway, I came to this country on business."

Luffy tilted his head. "Business?"

Ace smiled. "Yeah, I'm with the Whitebeard Pirates." He walked ahead of Mantax and Luffy, showing them the Jolly Roger tattooed on his back. "You see this tattoo? It's our mark and my pride. What do you say, wanna join us?"

"Nope," Luffy grinned.

"Pass," Mantax deadpanned as he retook the lead.

Ace just laughed. "Figures. That's too bad, because Whitebeard's the greatest—"

Before he could finish his sentence, numerous goons surrounded them. "Well, well, well," one of the men said smugly. "If it isn't Fire Fist Ace, Straw Hat Luffy, and…whatever the hell that is."

The three pirates said nothing and merely looked around at all the thugs.

"If we bring in you three, there's no way we won't get a promotio—" Suddenly, Mantax appeared in front of the lead thug and thrust his pincer into his gut. Without turning around, the black Barraki asked the pirate brothers, "Are you two going to help or just stand there?"

This made Ace grin. "I think he just dared us, Luffy!" he said, and swiftly back-kicked one of the goons.

Luffy grinned as another thug charged him with a sword. Before the guy could reach him, he threw a stretchy punch, knocking him out.

The thugs went silent as their members were easily dispatched, and the rest of them went running. The three pirates proceeded with their search for the Going Merry.

Upon reaching the shore, Luffy spotted their ship immediately. He stretched one arm out to the boat and wrapped the other around Mantax.

"Wait, captain, I can just SWIIIIIIIM!" Mantax tried to protest as the two were launched through the air toward the Going Merry.

I was nice enough to pull Sanji and Chopper out of harm's way as our captain and resident ninja crashed onto the deck. And while Luffy described his brother to us, the Fire Man himself made his surprise entrance.

"So, you guys are my brother's crew? Nice to meet you," he greeted us. His eyes widened when he spotted me, Chopper, and Nami. "Whoa, a skeleton, a reindeer, and a dinosaur?! Luffy wasn't kidding." Our navigator flinched at that.

Then Ace noticed Skeleton Buddy. "Hey, Luffy, I thought you only had one skeleton."

"I'm a clone," SB said.

Luffy's brother opened his mouth as if to comment, only to shut it and shrug instead.

Mantax had finally recovered from his slingshot fiasco and made his way over to Luffy, growling.

"What's wrong, Taxm—" Luffy didn't get to finish his question before the Barraki grabbed him by the shoulders and shallowly impaled him on his knee spike. Luffy instantly collapsed.

"What the hell did you do?!" snapped Ace, ready to attack.

"Relax, he'll be fine," Mantax interrupted. "My venom is no more than a powerful numbing agent. It'll wear off after about ten minutes."

"That's nice and all, but why'd you do that to him?" Usopp asked.

"He slingshotted me."

We all nodded in understanding, as if it had been a perfectly appropriate reaction. It was difficult to argue with someone as large as Mantax.

"Hey, guys?" asked Chopper. "Are all those ships in the distance a bad thing?"

That got our attention. An armada of Baroque Works ships had assembled nearby. However, they proved to be no problem for our new ally. Ace hopped off our ship onto his own boat and lit up our enemies—literally. It was all over within a couple minutes.

"Whoa," Fencer gasped. "I've got nothing on that guy."

Once Ace returned to the ship, we resumed sailing. After a morning spent battling a great number of enemies, there was finally some time for hijinks.

"Alright, which of you wise guys stole my limbs?" I growled, hopping across the deck. Fencer had acted as a decoy while someone else had pulled off my arms and right leg from behind.

It wasn't hard to get to the bottom of it. Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper were all conspicuously holding my limbs behind their backs.

I could hear Ace and Carue chuckling, and I got the feeling Sanji, Zoro, Nami, and Vivi were also more amused than they were letting on. Turning back to Fencer, I could only ask, "You were in on this too?"

"They told me it'd be funny," she got out before bursting into giggles, "and they were right!"

For a moment, I was silent. "So, you guys think that was funny, huh? Well, I've got a good one for ya!"

All the pranksters were understandably confused.

"Um, what is it?" Usopp wondered aloud.

"Ever hear the one about the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?"