Dabi shoved the last bag into the back of the vehicle; fuck, he missed having Kurogiri just warp everything for him. Having to move, actually move, was a pain in the ass. He should have just lit all of her shit on fire as punishment for leaving, but he had resisted. Enough was lost in his earlier fit.

He returned, worn out and still emanating smoke, to find half the living area was gone. How no one had noticed and said anything was beyond him. Idiotically, he ran for the bedroom, calling out, "Doll?" She wasn't there.

The bed was unmade, and he could still see the shape of her from the way the covers curled over the sheets. The pillow still had the indent of where she'd laid her head.

"Baby?" The bathroom was bereft her curvaceous form, as well as her toiletries. No bright toothbrush, none of that flowery shampoo, just his shit. His lungs emptied, heart fell through his feet, his thoughts tilting.

She wasn't here.

She wasn't here.

Dabi began tossing through her things, thinking maybe she'd left something behind as a clue. Maybe she'd gone to find the doc or—

Yeah, fucking right. He knew. They were high enough up that only someone with flying capabilities could get here considering all the securities were still engaged on the door. How the fucker had blown open the apartment, he didn't know, but the hero had resources.

He chuckled coldly to himself. All that time fighting with Hawks, taunting him, burning his wings, and the traitor had known. He had already stolen Dabi's woman out from under him, and then he led the heroes to them, and killed Twice like the thieving little coward he was. Fucking magpie stealing away treasures that weren't his by rights.

Fire roared through the wrecked side of the building and out into the ether. Dabi pulled the skewed canvas from the wall and tore through it, blasted aside her easel, incendiary media bursting, paint tubes rolling, brushes clattering in shattered splinters.

He went through every inch of the apartment just to be sure, continuing his rampage and screaming out obscenities.

When he had that little bitch back, she would go back to wearing that damned chain; she would wear it for the rest of her life, children or no.

Children.

She'd taken his unborn twins from him.

Another flurry of fury ripped through him then. How dare she— if she went to Endeavor— oh, he would kill her if she let that bastard touch his children, his little masterpieces in the making. He would—

There was no way; she wouldn't do that. No, she knew what that sick fuck could do. Cruel bitch she might be, she wouldn't let them be trained by that man.

The thought only slightly eased his rage at her. She was still going to pay, but first…

He took out his cell phone, scrolling through his contacts to touch upon a certain little bird's.

He would get her back, or they would all burn.

He was working fast now. After his declaration, Dabi sought out Shigaraki, pushing through the sycophants until he made it to the younger man. All he'd needed to hear was, "The traitor took her," and the villain leader was ready to help.

Within hours, Dabi had a new place secured for his little family, somewhere the heroes wouldn't find her. He would strip her down himself, burn every goddamn thing that touched her skin to ensure there were no trackers, no red feathers to despoil her. And then she'd start learning about her new life.

He was a monster. She'd known he was a monster before she decided to betray him, so she couldn't play the victim when she dealt with the consequences.

Oh no, he thought as the little earth Quirk kid handed him some papers to look over. His little wife would be lucky if he ever let her see sunlight again after he got her back.

"Inconclusive."

She stared blankly at the woman. "What do you mean, 'inconclusive'?" This woman had insisted on the paternity test, and now she was saying they still didn't know? What kind of bullshit was that?"

"I mean that the lab results were unable to determine who the father is."

"Did you even have their DNA?" Ayumu asked incredulously.

"Thanks to quick work after battles, we are lucky enough to have some limited samples from Shigaraki, yes. We used Endeavor's DNA for the other, and of course, Hawks provided his own DNA."

She was going to burst a blood vessel. Ayumu drummed her fingers, then reached across the table. "Let me see the results."

"Do you think that's wise?" the president returned, tapping the edge of the small stack against the polished surface of the table.

"I don't care. Give me the papers." Her first two fingers gestured in impatience. The president sighed and handed them across.

Long moments passed as Ayumu read through the lab jargon to see what, exactly, had been determined. Her head started to hurt at the implications. "There are only two kids," she huffed into the silence.

Hawks, having read over her shoulder, held out his own hand in askance. She handed the results to him. "So, this means one is mine?" He frowned, rubbing at his own aching head.

"It's a possibility," was all the president said.

"Did you speak with whoever interpreted the results?" Ayumu snapped. "Because there has to be some logical, scientific, medical reason for this."

The older woman pursed her lips. "I did." Ayumu raised her brows expectantly. "It's possible— nigh-on miraculous, but scientifically possible— that the results are correct as written."

"No." Ayumu laughed bitterly, shaking her head. "No. There's no way— no fucking way—"

"You were on fertility drugs, correct? It's perfectly possible that there were more eggs and—"

"No." She dragged her hands down her face. "No, no, no." There were tears, because of course there were. She felt like she was always crying these days. "You have got to be fucking kidding me. Wait, so, is it just one of them or both?"

"We can't know for sure until they're born." The president looked nearly as exhausted as Ayumu felt. Keigo had mentioned she was injured.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" He'd returned the papers to her, and she waved them helplessly. "That means I can go after them all for child support, right?" She snorted at her own morbid humor. Like hell she would do anything that connected her children with Shigaraki and Dabi again.

"You'll never have to worry about that." Hawks, poor, sweet, misguided double agent, had wrapped a wing protectively around her chair as much as he could with its lackluster feathers. He had an arm over her shoulders as well. "I'll take care of you."

"I don't want anyone to take care of me." She shrugged his arm away from her and he backed off, hurt.

"I'm sorry."

Automatically she began, "It's—" Could she say it wasn't his fault? He'd had more of a choice than she did, but Dabi still would have done what he had regardless of Hawks' participation. She'd still be pregnant. But… "I need a minute. I just. I need some space." She glanced around the room to the VP and the president, then back to the hurt looking young hero. Gods, he was just a kid himself. "I'm gonna go back to the apartment and take a nap or something."

Hawks nodded.

"Take all the time you need," said the president.

She snorted, not buying that swampland. "Yeah, sure."

Notes:

Okay, so... Yep.
Spoiler for the full explanation below since it will be some time, if I even decide to fully spell everything out then.

.

.

Both kids have two fathers. One egg should have split upon two sperm fertilizing it, resulting in semi-identical twins (it's a thing, though numbers on how often it happens are inconclusive; the possibility of them having two fathers is possible as well, but would be supremely improbable). The other egg is the result of one fetus absorbing another. So there you have it.

And, of course, the one who is a parent to both kids is Dabi. I felt it only fair, him having orchestrated everything and all.

Gender is still up in the air. I've considered both kids one gender or one boy and one girl, but haven't decided anything yet.

This is, quite possibly, the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. And it cracks me up. Wait. Is this considered a crack fic now? I mean...