Yowls of pain rang from the nursery and across camp, bouncing off the walls of the hollow. They made Russetstripe's ears flatten and her face wince – even though she had heard it many times before, she would never get used to it. Why would any cat want to have kits? If it hurt that much? Sandfall had been in labor since the morning, and Aspenstep was pacing around the nursery, his tail twitching up grass. Scorchstar watched worriedly from the Tall Branch, and his mate, Wildheart, sat next to him, her belly growing more swollen by the day.
This would be the first litter born under Scorchstar's leadership. Her brother had been leader for a few days now, and his choice of deputy had surprised every single cat. Brambledusk? Out of all of the cats? Russetstripe had seen the jealousy strike Wildheart's face, but Wildheart was going to give birth. Of course she wouldn't be deputy. But if she wasn't, would Scorchstar make her deputy anyway?
Russetstripe wanted to walk over to Scorchstar, but he had been so busy the last few days that she could barely get in a word in edgewise. It held a bitter taste in Russetstripe's tongue – surely he had time for his family? Is he still mad about me and Swiftstar? She wasn't going to lie – she did not grieve for Swiftstar as much as Scorchstar or Sunleaf had. Of course there was the twinge of sadness that tugged at her heart, but there was nothing else. Instead she had been… relieved that Swiftstar was gone. He no longer was breathing down her neck. He no longer chastised her for doing the right thing. He no longer threatened her with his claws. What do I have to grieve about?
The ginger she-cat walked over to her brother, opening her mouth to talk, but Wildheart gave her a venomous glare just as Violetheart's jubilant cry echoed through the camp walls. "Two she-kits! Congratulations, Sandfall!"
At Violetheart's words, Aspenstep lunged into the nursery, his tail waving happily as his gray striped pelt disappeared into the gorse. Russetstripe ignored Wildheart's glare and walked over to her brother, noting the joy on his face. She urged him with her tail towards the corner of camp, and Wildheart's gaze burned on them the entire time. Scorchstar followed her, confusion in his eyes.
"What's wrong, Russetstripe?" Scorchstar asked as Russetstripe led him behind his den.
"What's wrong?" Russetstripe echoed. "Scorchstar, you haven't spoken a word to me since you became leader. Are you so busy you don't have time to talk to your own sister?" Russetstripe had meant for her words to be confrontational and accusing, but instead, all she could hear was the sorrow and pain dripping from them. She winced at the utter desperation that was in there.
"Oh…" Scorchstar twitched his ears. "I'm sorry, Russetstripe, I didn't mean to… I was busy being a father and leading the Clan…"
"Your kits aren't born yet," Russetstripe pointed out, "and Brambledusk is the one organizing the patrols and overseeing internal duties every day. I know you've been busy, but there are definitely gaps in the day when you have free time that you're spending with Wildheart. Can't you take some time to talk to your sister? Or…" Russetstripe's words trailed off. "Are you still angry at me for how I reacted to Swiftstar's death?"
Scorchstar's eyes widened at Russetstripe's last words, and Russetstripe knew she had hit the bullseye. I knew it. I was right the entire time. Her brother shifted his paws nervously, and Russetstripe hardened her glare at him. After several moments of uncomfortable, pressing silence, Scorchstar spoke.
"I won't lie, that's been heavy on my mind ever since," Scorchstar said. "I just… I was upset because you didn't take his death seriously. Not like Sunleaf and I did. And I… I didn't know why."
Russetstripe took a deep sigh. "Because I had no relationship with him after what he did to the Nirvana cats," she explained. "He was nothing to me after that, and I told him that to his face. Scorchstar, we drifted apart. You can't force all the cats in your family to love each other, and I had my problems with him, just as you did. I'm glad you two had a close relationship, but we didn't. Of course I was upset when he died. But… it didn't hurt me as much as it hurt you two. And I'm sorry for that. But that's just how I felt."
"Did you hate him?" Scorchstar asked.
"Yes." Russetstripe nodded. "So much." Her voice cracked as she confessed the truth. "But I need you to understand that's how I felt. You didn't, but that's how I did. That's why… I didn't really feel anything when he died. But you can't hate me for it, Scorchstar. You know what happened between us. I didn't want to lose the rest of my life to self-hatred, bitterness, and self-destruction by associating with him. He made me hate myself. I couldn't live with that, any longer."
Scorchstar's eyes glazed with pain, and he finally let out a small nod. "I understand, Russetstripe. Thank you for telling me."
"So, are we siblings now?" Russetstripe asked.
Scorchstar brushed his muzzle against hers. "We always were."
Russetstripe purred in her chest, finally glad to reunite with her brother again. "So, what's it like, being Clan leader?" she asked.
"Hard," Scorchstar confessed. "It's the longest leaf-bare any cat has known. I can't wait until newleaf. And…" Scorchstar's amber gaze drifted towards Harepaw, who was chasing Briarpaw around in circles around camp. "I feel like I'm neglecting Harepaw. I can't remember my last training session with him since I became leader – it's been Blackdove who's been taking care of him. He's a strong young cat, he'll be a warrior soon. But Wildheart will give birth before then. Who do I pick – my children or Harepaw?"
"Harepaw came first," Russetstripe pointed out mildly. "Maybe spend some time with him now. Who knows, maybe if he does something incredible he'll be a warrior before Wildheart gives birth. If you haven't been spending that much time with him, you don't know what he's capable of."
"True." Scorchstar nodded in agreement. "That's good advice, Russetstripe. I'll spend some time with him now."
"Oh, and one more question, Scorchstar," Russetstripe meowed as Scorchstar prepared to walk away.
Scorchstar looked over his shoulder. "What?"
"Why Brambledusk?" Russetstripe asked.
"Russetstripe, you didn't have an apprentice…" Scorchstar pointed out mildly.
"Not me." Russetstripe shook her head. "There were dozens of other cats you could have picked. Heathercloud, for one. Or, if you wanted to go for a younger cat, there's Waspberry or Blackdove. Brambledusk conspired with Adderstripe and helped him nearly kill you, Scorchstar. He hasn't so much proven his loyalty to WindClan at all, even after it. How do you know you can trust him?"
Scorchstar twitched his ears. "When I first woke up to see Tallstar at my nine lives ceremony, he told me something. He said, 'I had a deputy with me at the time… the most unexpected deputy I could pick. Maybe that'll happen to you, too.'"
"So?" Russetstripe asked.
"Another cat by the name of Heathertail gave me the life of forgiveness. I felt it when I decided to choose Brambledusk. I forgave him for his actions, and I observed him while I was Clan deputy. He cares deeply for his siblings, and I know that although he may not have been loyal to Swiftstar, he was still loyal to WindClan. I'm hoping that he can be loyal to me, now that Swiftstar is gone." Scorchstar sighed. "I trust him, Russetstripe. I know it sounds crazy, but I do."
Russetstripe let out a huff. "All right, Scorchstar. I still think it's rabbit-brained."
"Weren't you the one who pleaded with Swiftstar to let him go?" Scorchstar asked.
"Well, I mean, yeah, because he didn't join Ad—" Russetstripe trailed off, the recognition hitting her immediately.
Scorchstar's whiskers twitched. "Exactly."
"Ahaha." Russetstripe chuckled. "I see what you mean. Fine, then. I agree with your choice. Brambledusk will make a good deputy."
"Thanks, sis," Scorchstar meowed. "I'm going to go train with Harepaw. Let me know what the kits are named when I come back, will you?"
"Yeah, of course." Russetstripe nodded to her brother as he walked across camp towards Harepaw. The wiry brown tom turned on his heel and bowed his head deeply to Scorchstar, and when Scorchstar leaned in to say something to him, his amber eyes lit up with the strength of a thousand suns, and he was off on his feet, running like the animal he was named for. Russetstripe chuckled lowly in her chest.
Camp life went on as usual. Lightningtalon was sharing tongues with Waspberry, and the she-cat laughed as he whispered something in her eyes. New love was budding in the camp, it seemed. Buzzardwing was talking to Cinderfall, and Brambledusk was watching the activity from a boulder he was perched on. Briarpaw and Seedpaw play-fought, with their mentors, Songbreeze and Blackdove, watching them. Lilystream and Heathercloud shared tongues and Thrushwing dropped a fat rabbit on the fresh-kill pile. It was still leaf-fall, and Russetstripe knew leaf-bare would be coming soon.
Just as Violetheart walked out of the nursery, Russetstripe bounded over to her. "What did they name the kits?" she asked.
"Sedgekit and Skykit," Violetheart replied. "They're a cute pair. I'm sure they'll make great cats." But there was a knowing twinkle in Violetheart's indigo eyes that told Russetstripe that there was more to her words than Russetstripe knew. Russetstripe pressed her lips together as the medicine cat disappeared in the rock that made her den.
I'm glad WindClan is getting kits, Russetstripe thought to herself, glancing at Wildheart as the tortoiseshell she-cat walked towards the nursery. Although I'm not so sure how I feel about her. I'm happy my brother is going to be a father, but I wish it was with any other cat. Russetstripe's gaze trailed over to Blackdove, who sat with her paws tucked under her chest and her forest green eyes focused on the nursery. Like her.
Russetstripe walked over to Blackdove and sat next to her. Blackdove blinked twice at her as Russetstripe asked, "Are you okay?" Both cats knew what Russetstripe was referring to.
"I'll manage," Blackdove replied. "Such pairings are often to be doomed from the start."
"I guess…" Russetstripe's fur pricked at the sadness in Blackdove's voice.
"Let me tell you a story, Russetstripe," Blackdove said. "Is that all right?"
"Sure. Lay it on me." Russetstripe wondered what Blackdove would tell her.
"It's about a single violet, blooming in a meadow," Blackdove meowed, wistfulness in her green eyes. "And the violet is in love with a young she-cat. It dreamed one day the she-cat may pick it, so that it may wilt as she clutched it lovingly against her chest. The violet knew nothing could come of their love from the very beginning. Then, the cat walked through the meadow. She didn't see the violet, and stepped on it, crushing it beneath her paw."
Russetstripe's green eyes were wide as she focused her bewildered stare on Blackdove. She's talking about Scorchstar. The violet is her, and the she-cat is Scorchstar.
"But the violet was happy," Blackdove went on. "Because even though the she-cat never knew how it felt, it was able to spend its last moments at the very feet of its beloved. And the violet's love died peacefully, with no one else ever knowing about it."
Russetstripe's voice cracked as she said, "The she-cat never knew the violet loved her. So the violet was happy just to have met her."
"Yeah." A world of pain shone in Blackdove's pale green eyes and was even more evident by the pressed smile her face wore. It must be worse for her now that she knows that Wildheart is expecting Scorchstar's kits. How awful it must feel. I can't even imagine it.
Russetstripe nuzzled Blackdove's muzzle, knowing there was nothing she could say to ease Blackdove's pain. She was in love with a cat who didn't love her back, who never would. A cat who had a family, another cat to love, and would never give her a sparing glance. Their love was never meant to be, and although it seemed like Blackdove was holding onto the tiniest shred of hope, both she-cats knew that, just like the violet, her love would never come to pass.
Unrequited love is a beautiful tragedy, Russetstripe thought. Beautiful for how some cat could be so passionate over another cat, knowing that they don't care for you as much as you for them. It's a matter of being selfless and giving love, without expecting anything in return. And it's tragic in a way because I imagine that there's a pain from it like no other. It's tragic because no matter how much you love them, you can never have them.
Russetstripe knew that Blackdove could always tell Scorchstar. She could always give him a hint, to try to take him away from Wildheart. But Blackdove loved Scorchstar too much to ruin his happiness. She knew what would happen if the words that would break their hearts would be said. But surely Blackdove also knew that the words left unsaid would haunt her forever. I have no idea how to help her. I've never loved a cat before. I don't know how it works.
The ginger she-cat opened her mouth to say something to Blackdove, but when the scent of her mother drifted towards her, she looked over her shoulder. Sunleaf was padding towards her, and Russetstripe rose to greet her. She wondered if her mother was as mad at her for her reaction to Swiftstar's death as Scorchstar had been. But there was no distaste in Sunleaf's expression.
"Oh, Russetstripe," Sunleaf meowed. "I'm glad to see you. Is your brother anywhere?"
"He went to train Harepaw," Russetstripe said. "Why? What's wrong?" The sorrow that shadowed her mother's dazzling green gaze flooded Russetstripe with uneasiness.
"I've decided that I'm going to retire to the elders' den," Sunleaf told her.
"What?" Russetstripe's eyes widened. "But… why?" Although Sunleaf was her mother, she wasn't particularly old – she was much younger than the parents of the warriors Russetstripe had trained with. There was no signs of gray whiskers to her muzzle or white furs on her pelt, when those were much more perceptible in other warriors, like Thrushwing and Patchshine.
"I have tried to live life without your father," Sunleaf breathed, "and I can't. The only life I have known is with him. I understand your thoughts, Russetstripe, but this is how I feel. I am not a warrior without him."
Russetstripe's jaw tightened at Sunleaf's words. What kind of warrior are you? she wanted to snap at her. You can't live without a tom? But those words were cruel and unnecessary. Sunleaf was right – Russetstripe had learned from Scorchstar that Sunleaf had been promised to Swiftstar the moment she had become a warrior. So, I guess I can't blame her. She had no idea what to say to Sunleaf other than acknowledge her decision with a curt nod. Love does crazy things to cats, it seems.
Blackdove walked over to Russetstripe and whispered, "Seems like it's not just me, then."
Russetstripe glanced at Blackdove, sighing. What was love about? Why did it shake both Sunleaf and Blackdove to their knees? Why did it make Scorchstar pad after Wildheart like a dazed rabbit? Why did it make Swiftstar grieve over Petalspring while ignoring Sunleaf? I don't want to be led astray by love. It made Sunleaf retire because she can't live her life without Swiftstar, Blackdove to suffer for her entire life, and Scorchstar to choose the most arrogant she-cat in this Clan.
"Thank you for letting me know, Mother," Russetstripe meowed. "Are you going to tell Scorchstar?"
"Since he's the Clan leader, I'll need his permission," Sunleaf purred. "I'll see him when he comes back. I just wanted to let you know, Russetstripe."
"Yeah." Russetstripe nodded as the ginger she-cat walked away from her. Was Russetstripe losing more of her family members by the day? Swiftstar was dead, Scorchstar was the leader of the Clan and was barely accessible now – especially now that he would be a father soon, and Sunleaf would be in the elders' den from now on. Was Russetstripe completely alone now?