"Brambledusk!" Frostkit cried out, racing over to the pale tabby's paws. Brambledusk stumbled back, having just entered the nursery to spend time with Frostkit and Icekit. He glanced at Frostkit, puzzled at the hurt and anger in Frostkit's blue eyes. "Hawkkit bit me!"
"What?" Brambledusk's amber eyes widened. "Why?"
"She's been so mad recently!" Frostkit cried out. "After Sunleaf… you know…"
"I'll talk to her," Brambledusk promised the young kit. He padded over to the shadows of the nursery, spotting Hawkkit's ginger-and-white pelt from where he stood. I'll just get to the point. "Hawkkit."
Hawkkit turned around, her lips curling backwards as she scowled at Brambledusk. "What do you want?"
"Can I talk to you?" Brambledusk asked.
"No." Hawkkit turned around, her back to Brambledusk.
"Fine, let me rephrase it." Brambledusk cleared his throat. "Come talk to me."
"No!" Hawkkit repeated.
"Mhm. Have it your way." Brambledusk trekked over to the ginger-and-white kit and picked her up by her scruff. Even as the kit flailed in his grip, Brambledusk took her with him as he crossed camp and climbed out of the hollow. Hawkkit stopped fighting and turned into deadweight as Brambledusk left camp with her in his mouth. The leaf-fall weather was cold and it chilled the bones of Brambledusk as he traveled towards Sunleaf's grave. When they reached the small glade where a flower was growing, to mark Sunleaf's body, he sat down and dropped Hawkkit on the ground. "Do you see that, Hawkkit?"
Hawkkit stared at the flower. "It's a flower."
"This is your grandmother's grave," Brambledusk replied.
Hawkkit jumped to her paws, her tail lashing as she whirled on Brambledusk. "Why would you take me here?" she howled at him. She turned, ready to run away, but Brambledusk reached his head out and grabbed her by her scruff again.
"I'm faster than you, Hawkkit," Brambledusk pointed out. "If you try to run away, I'll get you in seconds."
The ginger-and-white kit flopped down, scowling as she looked away from the flower. Brambledusk gently pushed her head to force her eyes towards the flower. "Like I told you, Hawkkit, this is Sunleaf's grave," he meowed. "Nobody is telling you that you can't be upset. In fact, you should be upset. Cry. Scream. Let it all out. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to howl to the sky, howl to the sky."
As Brambledusk spoke to Hawkkit, his mind flashed back to Spottedwing, when he had seen his mother, dead in the ThunderClan camp. How he had dragged her on his back towards WindClan's camp and dropped her in the middle of the clearing, snapping at any cat who came near him. How he turned cold and callous after he lost both his parents to Swiftstar. To Scorchstar's father.
"The tears you shed," Brambledusk went on, "will be Sunleaf's tears, as well. She will cry with you. You have been living the day that you cannot be together. You need to keep her in her heart, because she'll be there with you, forever."
"Nobody is listening to me," Hawkkit whined. "No one is listening to how sad I feel."
"I'm listening, Hawkkit," Brambledusk told her. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. Tell me how you feel."
Hawkkit blinked back tears. "It feels like I can't breathe!" she screamed. "That the ground is away from under me, and that I'm in a storm. Every day I wake up, I want to go see her, for her to tell me a story. That was what we did every day! I would sneak away from Wildheart and go into the elders' den. She'd always be awake from me, and she'd always have some story ready. They were never bad! I—" The she-kit was beginning to shake and hyperventilate. Brambledusk nudged her.
"Hawkkit," Brambledusk murmured. "Feel the ground beneath you. It's there, isn't it? You say that you think it's away from you, but crouch down. Feel the ground."
"It's… it's there…" Hawkkit croaked out.
"Breathe," Brambledusk told her. "Breathe in and out. Be aware of your surroundings. Release the tension from your body. Do it with me. In and out." The WindClan deputy demonstrated the deep-breathing, out-breathing, and was thankful when Hawkkit followed his instructions. Slowly the she-kit stopped trembling and regained her breath, and she collapsed against Brambledusk's side. Brambledusk hauled her closer to him.
"You have sorrow, you have pain, you have despair," Brambledusk murmured. "You have all those feelings inside of you, and they are valid. But you know what you have?"
"What?" Hawkkit asked.
"You have your father, your mother, your siblings. You have your friends, Icekit and Frostkit. They'll gladly help you share your despair. They'll hold it for you. They'll allow you to grieve, and they'll grieve with you."
"What does it matter, if they grieve with me?" Hawkkit sniffed. "I don't want that. I want Sunleaf. I want my grandmother back!"
"You do?" Brambledusk tilted his head. "All right, then. You're at her grave. Why don't you say something to her? She's right here, listening to you. You can talk to her."
"Talk to her…?" Hawkkit echoed.
"She's waiting." Brambledusk twitched her tail.
"Okay." Hawkkit took a deep breath. "Grandmother…? If you can hear me, hi, it's me, Hawkkit. I miss you so much. I remember the first story you told me… it was about the Great Journey. I loved hearing that story, over and over! Sometimes I told it to Wildheart, but… I have a confession." Hawkkit laughed. "There were a couple of times I couldn't remember it exactly, so I made up some parts. I hope you're okay with that, Grandmother. And I… I miss you." Hawkkit swallowed a lump in her throat. "I hope what everyone is saying is true, that I'll see you again, some day. They say you're not in pain anymore. I miss you."
"Can I tell her something, Hawkkit?" Brambledusk asked as the ginger-and-white she-kit hovered over her grandmother's grave.
"Yeah." Hawkkit nodded.
"Sunleaf, it's me, Brambledusk." Brambledusk bowed to Sunleaf's grave. "I want to tell you that Hawkkit is going to live her life for you, to give your death meaning. She wants to live, so you can continue to live, with her."
Hawkkit stared at Brambledusk, her jaws wide.
"Isn't that right, Hawkkit?" Brambledusk asked.
The ginger-and-white she-kit nodded. "Yeah. That's right. If living my life will make Grandmother happy…" The fire that Hawkkit was known for blazed in her eyes. "Then I'll do it."
"That's a good warrior," Brambledusk purred. "Have you said what you needed to say?"
"I have one more thing to say," Hawkkit meowed, turning back to look at Sunleaf's grave. "I love you, Grandmother."
Brambledusk winced. Hawkkit was too young to encounter death. But no cat had taken Sunleaf's life. She had died peacefully. Hawkkit touched the flower with her nose and padded over to Brambledusk, looking up at him with wide green eyes.
"Ready to go home?" Brambledusk asked.
"Do you have to hold me again?" Hawkkit complained. "Can't I run?"
"I don't know." Brambledusk tilted his head. "Can I trust you not to take off on me?"
"Yes." Hawkkit nodded, kneading the grass with her paws.
"Will running make you feel better?" Brambledusk inquired, not quite sure if he believed the she-kit when she said she wouldn't take off on him.
"Yes!" Hawkkit replied.
"Fine. But stay in front of me." Brambledusk took off at a slow sprint, but in seconds, Hawkkit was running straight in front of him. Brambledusk's eyes widened with shock. How was a small kit so fast? Brambledusk sped up his pace, staying behind Hawkkit as she ran through the moor. He guided her steps with his nose, pushing her in the right direction as they streaked through the grassland.
The tips of the grassland were turning brown as green-leaf changed to leaf-fall. A shudder ran through Brambledusk's pelt at the changing weather. He hoped that prey would run well in the cold seasons. Hawkkit was running faster than Brambledusk had ever seen her, even when she ran in circles in camp. Her green eyes were round with wonder as she examined the territory around her, and her stride was long as her paws flew over the grassland. When the two cats approached the ridge, Hawkkit skidded to a halt and gasped.
"What is it?" Brambledusk asked, slowing down.
"I've just never seen camp from this view before!" Hawkkit exclaimed. "It's so big! And look how small every cat looks!"
"Ha." Brambledusk chuckled. "You get used to it."
"Do you really?" Hawkkit gasped. "Because I never think I could."
"Come on, now. I took you out as long as I can, haven't I?" The pale tabby grabbed Hawkkit in his jaws, and the ginger-and-white she-kit began to flail again, but Brambledusk knew she couldn't go down the hollow without hurting herself. Brambledusk slid down the hollow and entered the clearing, dropping Hawkkit onto the ground. Hawkkit got up, shaking out her fur. A yowl made the two cats stop.
"Hawkkit!" Wildheart was yowling. "Hawkkit, Hawkkit, where are you?"
"Mom!" Hawkkit exclaimed, running over to the tortoiseshell she-cat who was ripping camp apart looking for her kit. "I'm right here!"
"Where have you been?" Wildheart demanded the she-kit, licking her face roughly.
"Brambledusk took me out!" Hawkkit chirped. Brambledusk winced. Queens exactly didn't like it when a cat took their kits out without asking their permission. Oh no.
"He what?" Wildheart whirled on Brambledusk, her yellow eyes blazing with fury.
"Don't be mad at him!" Hawkkit whined. "He brought me to see Sunleaf, and I told her I loved her! He listened to me when I told him how upset I was. Please, Mom!" She butted her head against Wildheart's paw. "I'm happy."
"You're… happy?" Wildheart's voice trailed off, and the anger started to dwindle in her eyes. She glanced back at Brambledusk, sighing. "Sorry, Brambledusk."
"It's all right," Brambledusk meowed. "I just told her to talk to Sunleaf, that's all. I heard she bit Frostkit earlier. She had no way to vent her feelings, so I brought her to a place where she could."
Wildheart watched as Hawkkit bounded over to the nursery. Redkit's dark ginger fur appeared at the entrance, and the moment Hawkkit saw her, she leaped onto him, bowling him over into the gorse bush. Brambledusk watched with an amused chuckle. "Kits will be kits."
"She's been really upset," Wildheart murmured, "but she seems happy now. You did that, Brambledusk?"
Brambledusk nodded. He was aware that he had never been Wildheart's favorite cat – after all, he had been the one who nearly killed her mate – and he was uncomfortable speaking to her. But, he had just been out with her kit, and she deserved a reason why he took her out of camp. "Yes. I noticed that sometimes you want an audience for your pain – so everyone will stop and see that life is raining on you. But if you do that, you'll just see that every cat is stepping in your puddles."
Wildheart blinked twice at him. "Thank you for bringing her out and making her feel better." Even as she thanked him, Brambledusk couldn't detect any genuine warmth in her voice. She hasn't forgiven me for hurting Scorchstar. And that was fine, because he hadn't forgiven himself, either. Brambledusk gave her a nod before turning away. Just as he was heading towards the fresh-kill pile, he could hear a pair of pawsteps behind him, and then a weight on his back.
"Frostkit?" Brambledusk asked.
"Yeah!" Frostkit squealed. She hung onto Brambledusk's back, and although her short claws pierced through his fur and stung at his skin, the tom knew he could never be mad at his own kin. Brambledusk sat down, letting Frostkit slip off him. The silver tabby she-kit peered up at him.
"When am I going to become an apprentice?" she asked.
"In a couple of moons," Brambledusk replied curtly. "So be patient."
"I'm going to be the best warrior," Frostkit boasted, rolling around Brambledusk. "You'll be proud of me, won't you?"
"Of course I will be," Brambledusk meowed.
A shadow fell over Frostkit's face, and looked up at her uncle. She let out a deep sigh, as if mentally preparing herself to speak. "Brambledusk, can I ask you something?"
"Sure." Brambledusk dipped his head. "Ask me anything you'd like."
"Why doesn't my dad visit me?"
"I…" Brambledusk had no idea what to say as he gazed into his niece's round blue eyes. Do I tell her the truth? Do I lie to her? What do I do? Brambledusk took a deep breath. "Sometimes parents grow apart, Frostkit. It's life and it's uncontrollable. He may not visit you, but he does love you, and he just doesn't know how to show it. Being a parent is hard, and it isn't for everyone. Lightningtalon isn't ready to be one, yet."
"Is it my fault?" Frostkit asked.
"No." Brambledusk drew the silver tabby towards him. "It is not your fault, so don't blame yourself for a second. Your parents… they know what they're doing. But your father will always love you, even if he doesn't come to see you." He touched the kit's head with his nose. "You have Waspberry, you have Icekit, and you have me."
"I guess that's all I really need," Frostkit meowed. "Thank you, Uncle Brambledusk."
Brambledusk nodded. "You're welcome, Frostkit."
As Frostkit walked away, Brambledusk spotted Waspberry's white-and-gray body padding over to him. The she-cat sat down, gazing steadily at Brambledusk. "What did Frostkit ask you?"
"She asked me about Lightningtalon," Brambledusk replied honestly.
"Ah." Waspberry twitched her ears. "That's all she's been asking me, too. I didn't answer."
"Maybe that's why she asked me," Brambledusk suggested.
"What did you tell her?" Waspberry asked, twitching her ears.
"The truth," Brambledusk replied flatly. "That Lightningtalon wasn't ready to be a father, but he still loved her."
"Rubbish!" Waspberry snorted, tossing her head. "I know he's your brother and you'll defend him, but how can he love them if he never gives them the time of day?"
"I know him," Brambledusk replied firmly. He understood why Waspberry was upset – and she should be. But he had been working hard trying to understand Lightningtalon's feelings, and after so many moons, he thought he finally got it.
"I thought I did, too," Waspberry rasped.
Brambledusk sighed. "Waspberry… he told me that he couldn't be a good father, and he trusts you to raise them in his stead. He thinks that he'll just be a bad influence on them."
"How could he be?" Waspberry gasped.
"Because he's so young." Brambledusk clenched his teeth. "I know it's not an excuse for him, that it doesn't make what he did okay, but that's why. And we can't get him to change his mind. All we have to do now is raise Icekit and Frostkit without him. You're a good mother, Waspberry. You'll do just fine."
"You are helping me," Waspberry murmured. "I couldn't do it without you."
"You could." Brambledusk felt his whiskers twitch. "You're strong."
Waspberry sighed. "I'm really not. But I will be, for my kits." The queen turned around and headed back into the nursery. Brambledusk watched her disappear into the shadows. He had not been lying – she had been a good parent, and would continue to be one. In the meantime, Brambledusk would support her and her kits to the best of his ability, while maintaining his role as the Clan deputy.