Chapter 9 - Back to Hogwarts
As Christmas passed, Remus began counting down the days until they returned to Hogwarts. Though he loved his parents dearly, their little house was just so quiet compared to all the noise and adventure of Hogwarts. He supposed you could only ever missed what you had, and now he'd had it, he missed it so much it hurt.
He hurried downstairs on the morning of 2nd January when the train had been organised to take students back to Hogwarts from London.
"Goodbye mum." He said, hugging her and feeling, not for the first time, an incredible guilt for the lies he was telling about her at school. "I love you."
His mother hugged him closely and stroked his hair. Remus knew she didn't want to let him go but he also knew how glad she was for him and his life at Hogwarts. He had seen the happy tears in her eyes as he'd told her about James, Sirius and Peter, the classes he took and the adventures they all had. He knew she knew it was where he belonged.
"Goodbye, dear." She said, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand and helping him with his coat. "Be safe."
Remus and his father travelled the familiar route to where the portkey had been set up in their closest city and arrived in a disused staff room at King's Cross station.
"Pretty handy this, eh?" Another wizard who was accompanying his daughter said to Remus' father. "Lorna and I come from Leeds. Personally I don't see the sense in traveling to London then back up north again like a pair of bleeding yo-yos, but I suppose rules are rules!" He laughed and shook his head at the absurdity of the custom.
Remus and Lyall arrived at platform nine and three quarters with plenty of time to spare. Lyall went over to a little hut to get himself a coffee and Remus was left to people watch, an activity he enjoyed immensely, though one he'd have preferred if he'd been invisible and not having to worry about being bumped into or looked at by any scary older students.
He watched as students and their families filtered onto the platform in dribs and drabs. He spotted Lily Evans, wrapped up warmly against the cold in a thick coat and wooly ear muffs and chatting cheerfully with her parents. She waved at Remus as she passed and he waved back.
Remus wondered if perhaps this term they could have a fresh start with Snape and Lily. Lily was reasonable and generally kind and Remus was sure that if the others promised to leave Snape alone she would be much nicer to them for it.
There came the sound of familiar voices and he looked over to see, as expected, James and Sirius. They were with their families, and Remus could only assume the groups had bumped into each other just before the barrier as Sirius' family at least didn't look at all happy with the arrangement.
Though James' mother was chattering animatedly to her (she really was like James!), Sirius' mother was scowling ahead and not showing the slightest bit of interest in the conversation. Sirius' father was ignoring everyone and glaring around the platform in disdainful distaste. They certainly were unpleasant looking people.
Sirius' eyes fell on Remus, he grinned enormously and made a beeline for him.
"Remus!" He cried, clapping him on the back and grinning. "Blimey, am I glad to see you. How were your hols? Are your folks still here?"
Lyall Lupin rejoined them, carrying his coffee, which he moved to his left hand so he could reach out and shake Sirius' with his right.
"Sirius Black, I presume?" He said, smiling warmly at the boy. "Remus has told me ever so much about you."
Sirius looked at Remus and grinned. "Don't believe a word of it." He said with a wink.
"Are your parents here? I'd love to meet them."
Sirius' grin faltered. He glanced quickly over his shoulder to where his parents were still being subjected to Mrs Potter's impossibly friendly overtures. "Er, I'd rather leave them where they are, if it's all the same to you, sir."
Lyall looked a bit confused, but Sirius' peculiar words were made perfectly clear just a moment later.
His father had succeeded in extricating himself from the Potters' polite company and had stormed over to them, looking cross.
"Come, Sirius. Your mother and I are leaving." He said, nodding briefly at Remus' father before turning to glare at his son.
"I'm just talking to Mr Lupin." Sirius said as bravely as it seemed he dared in the man's fierce presence.
"It's really very good to meet you." Lyall said, reaching forwards to shake his hand. "I'm so pleased our sons are friendly."
Orion Black looked at him. His eyes were cold and judgemental and Remus thought he saw him wipe his hand on his trouser leg. "Are you." He said coldly, his lip curling into an unpleasant sneer.
He turned his attention on Remus who found he was holding his breath as he felt the man's critical gaze on him.
Orion's lip curled again and he turned back to Sirius, who was looking absolutely anywhere but back at the man. "Now." He snapped and he left them.
"Sorry." Sirius said with a grimace. "He's..." He gestured vaguely, but it seemed he couldn't say exactly what his father was for he left the sentence hanging and hurried off after him to where his mother was now exchanging artificial farewells with the Potters.
Sirius didn't need to say what his father was. Remus felt he'd seen all he needed to know. There was something so harsh and chilling about the man's cold presence and now he was gone it was like the sun had come back out from behind a dark cloud. He watched as the Blacks departed the platform and thought he saw the same effect on Sirius as they left. He turned back to Remus, his broad grin back in place, and hurried over with James and his parents, who greeted Remus warmly before moving to talk to his dad.
"Hi." James grinned at Remus. "Good Christmas?"
"Not as good as yours." Remus grinned back and James winked at him.
The whistle for the train sounded and the three of them extracted themselves from the adults (James' mother insisted on hugging them all twice) and, as one, they boarded the Hogwarts Express.
"Let's go in here!" James said, finding an empty compartment and leading them all inside. They threw their bags into the overhead compartment and settled on the seats, waving one last goodbye to their families (or at least the families who had stayed to see them off).
"Where do you reckon Peter is?" James said, once the train had turned a bend and the platform faded from view.
Remus had been wondering the same thing. He'd expected to see the other boy on the platform, but hadn't seen him at all. "He must be on the train." He said reasonably.
"Well then why hasn't he come to find us?"
"Why don't we go and find him?" Remus suggested. And so they did, wandering up the corridor and peering into the compartments they passed along the way.
"Not this one." Sirius said, pulling a face and moving away quickly from the window he'd just peered through. Remus had a quick glance in as he passed to see his blonde cousin, Narcissa, along with a gang of intimidating-looking upper years.
They eventually found Peter in a compartment right at the back of the train. He was sitting alone, huddled by the window with his knees to his chest, looking very small and lost.
"Peter!" Remus cried, opening the door and coming into the compartment. "Here you are! We've been looking everywhere for you."
"Hey Pete." James and Sirius called from the doorway.
But Peter ignored them and just went on staring out of the window.
"What's the matter?" Remus asked, coming to sit down opposite his friend. Clearly something was very wrong.
"Oh, nothing." Peter said, but his voice was sulky and it was obvious that he didn't really mean it. "If you don't know, that is."
Remus didn't understand. "Peter, what is it? Why didn't you come and find us? We were wondering where you'd got to."
Peter turned back to Remus. His face was red and blotchy and he looked a little like he was going to cry. "You didn't come and find me!" He wailed.
"Oh grow up Pettigrew, we're here now." Sirius snapped irritably from the doorway.
Remus waved a silencing hand at him and turned back to his friend. "What's the matter?" He asked gently.
A tear leaked out of the corner of Peter's eye and Remus had to strain to catch his next words. "No one ever remembers me."
Remus felt his heart go out to his friend. Poor Peter. He'd probably got here especially early, saved them the very best carriage on the train, and now he felt they didn't care.
Another fat tear leaked from the corner of his eye. "No one cares about me."
"Peter that's not true." Remus told him emphatically. "Why are you saying all this now?"
"Because it is true. I'm nothing." He wailed.
Remus wondered what had happened to Peter over Christmas to make him think like this. He glanced over at the doorway to where Sirius and James were looking around awkwardly. They were neither use nor ornament to him right now.
"You're not nothing." Remus told Peter, moving forwards to wrap his arms around his friend. He didn't care that eleven-year-old boys didn't hug. His friend was having a crisis of confidence and he needed to see Remus cared.
He let Peter cry out some of whatever had been bothering him so much then turned back to the others. Sirius was tapping an invisible watch and James was grinning a little awkwardly. "We'd love you to join us back in our compartment, if you'd like to, that is." He told him.
Peter sniffed and nodded. "OK." He said. And then he surprised Remus by wrapping his arms tightly around him. "Thank you."
Remus returned the embrace. "We're not us without you." He told him with a smile.
Peter was much more cheerful after that, joining in James and Sirius' enthusiastic conversation on the best ways they could use James' invisibility cloak for further mischief making over the next term. In a show of organisation and discipline Remus had never seen from them with their studies, they'd even pulled out a scroll of parchment to brainstorm ideas on.
James liked the idea of breaking into the Slytherin dormitories to terrorise Snape (details to be confirmed). Sirius thought it could be fun to explore the grounds and the forbidden forest. Peter was quite keen on re-visiting the kitchens, this time for a midnight feast. All ideas were noted, and James reassured them they would get round to them all. "What about you, Remus?" He said, turning to the only member of the group who hadn't made a suggestion for how they could cause yet more trouble. "What do you want to do?"
Remus was overcome by a sudden wave of panic. He felt the eyes of all three of them on him and was filled with a strong sense of inadequacy. Ought he to have an exciting, fun suggestion for adventure or mischief? Did the fact that a wild idea for an adventure or joke not come to him make him somehow less of a marauder?
"I really don't mind." He said eventually, which wasn't strictly true, but he knew, at the end of the day, he would do whatever it was his friends wanted.
Sirius gave him a knowing smile. "Well, if you ever want to use it to just read by the fire and not be disturbed by anyone, you let us know, won't you?"
Though Remus smiled, James did not. "No one is using my new invisibility cloak to do anything as dull as read under." He declared firmly. So that was that then.
The train gathered speed and the city concrete was replaced by expanses of green fields. "We must be nearly where I live." Peter said, peering out of the window as if expecting to see his house in the distance but no one seemed particularly interested.
They helped themselves to sweets from the trolley again and Remus reflected on how different he felt this train ride compared to the last. It was wonderful being back in the company of his friends and he listened happily as James regaled them all with stories of his magical Christmas and Peter chimed in about his mum's excellent cooking too. Sirius hadn't said a word about his Christmas (except 'fine' which gave nothing away) and was watching the others speak with a strange, strained smile. He didn't seem particularly uncared for. He was perhaps a little quieter than usual but apart from that he seemed cheerful enough. But then Remus remembered his father at the platform and how anxious and avoidant Sirius had been around him. He vowed to try and find time to ask him how things really were when the others weren't around.
They arrived at Hogsmeade station, grabbed their bags and headed onto the platform.
Snape was already there, standing a few feet away with Lily. Remus noticed her whisper something in the boy's ear and then gave him a little push forwards as she saw them coming off the train.
Remus watched in trepidation as Snape made his awkward, twitchy way over, reaching James and Sirius just as they turned to see him approach. "What do you want?" Sirius said rudely on finding himself face to face with the Slytherin boy.
"I want you and Potter to leave me alone this term." He said, his voice quick and harsh. "I mean it. If you jinx me, hex me, curse me, do anything to me, I'm going to report you to Dumbledore and then you'll be expelled." He glared at them fiercely, having said his piece.
Remus thought it was a fair enough request, if perhaps a little abrupt and harsh. He had to admire the boy's courage too. He knew well enough how hard it was to stand up to James and Sirius. He looked at his two friends, hoping and praying that this time they would be kind.
But Sirius' face had twisted into a sneer, highly reminiscent (thought he'd hate to know it) of his father, and James was already laughing.
"Aw, Snivelly. Has your girlfriend told you to stand up to the mean Gryffindors?" He waved sarcastically over at Lily who opened her mouth in dismay.
"Or have you been crying to mummy and daddy over Christmas?" Sirius mocked. "Did they tell you to tell a teacher and it would make all your problems go away? Aw, how nice."
Snape's face had gone rigid.
"Where do you Snapes live anyway?" Sirius said, looking down his nose at him. "I bet it's somewhere poky. Probably some old mining town. And what did your lot do over Christmas? Did your loser muggle dad take you fishing?"
Remus wasn't sure why Sirius had chosen to highlight the fact that Snape's dad was a muggle now (he never cared about stuff like that), but his words seemed to have had a dramatic effect on the Slytherin boy. His face had twisted horribly and before any of them could react, he'd drawn out his wand, pointed it at Sirius and yelled "impedimenta!"
The spell hit Sirius in the chest and sent him flying backwards. He landed hard on the platform a few feet away. "Sirius!" James cried, running over to help his friend, but Remus' eyes were still on Snape.
The other boy was breathing heavily as he looked over to where Sirius had fallen. His head snapped back to Remus as he felt his gaze on him and his eyes narrowed darkly.
Remus wanted to say something to apologise for his friends' behaviour. He wanted to tell him that of course they'd leave him alone, he had every right to be left alone, and he was so sorry he had to even ask. He wanted to ask if Snape was OK? That he was sorry James and Sirius could be so cruel, and what exactly was it about Sirius' comment that had upset him so much?
But of course he said none of this. He'd already made his decision, months ago. His loyalties were with his friends. He went over to Sirius and James too.
By the time Sirius was back on his feet and recovered from the shock of the attack, Snape was long gone. He and James plotted revenge all the way back to the castle. James took out the 'invisibility cloak wish list' scroll and added another five ways they could torment Snape onto it. Exactly the opposite outcome to the one Snape and Remus had hoped for.
They were still plotting in the dormitory later that night and Remus, feeling thoroughly sick of the whole thing by now, took his new book down to the common room to read. He didn't care how stupid James deemed the activity. He thought James pretty stupid himself right now, truth be told.
He soon forgot his anger as he dove into his book though. There was something magical about getting lost in a good story and it was a wonderful distraction at times (like now) when his life was less than peaceful.
"Hi."
He looked up. It was Sirius. He was wearing his pyjamas and his hair was wet from the shower. "It's past curfew. I thought I'd come and let you know."
"Oh." Remus said, looking around to where indeed the common room was indeed deserted. "I didn't realise."
Sirius grinned. "I figured." He said, gesturing at the book in his hands.
Remus smiled. And then he realised that this was his chance. He and Sirius were finally alone, and he could finally ask him what he so desperately needed to. "Sirius."
"Remus."
They'd spoken at the same time. Sirius had come to sit beside him, his eyes staring, unseeing, into the fire.
"What is it?" Remus asked him.
Sirius sighed and turned back to him. He really did look very unsure, his knee tucked beneath his chin like that. "How much do your parents hurt you?" He said quietly.
Remus stared at him. His parents didn't hurt him, well, except for the occasional smack when he was little, but who hadn't experienced that? He wondered why his friend was asking. Had Sirius seen some of his scars and jumped to the same wrong conclusion some of muggles he'd lived nearby once had too? Or was he asking for another reason entirely...
Realising he was still waiting for an answer (and that a lot probably hung on it for him), he decided on the truth. "They don't really." He admitted. "I think I'm lucky though." He added quickly as Sirius looked as if his worst fears had just been confirmed. "It's not so unusual, you know, parents doing that."
Sirius sighed and looked away. "I suppose I just don't know what normal is." He said, frowning at the carpet. "James' parents... You should have seen the letter they sent. They were almost congratulating him for getting in trouble. They didn't care. And they were so proud of him for being sorted into Gryffindor. And then how my parents reacted..." He turned away quickly so Remus wouldn't see him wipe his eyes on his sleeve.
"It's OK." Remus said gently, longing to reach out to his friend but not knowing what he could possibly say to help. He was quite sure that whatever Sirius experienced at the hands of his parents wasn't normal, but he didn't know whether it would really help him to hear that. "And it's OK to cry you know."
Sirius gave a shaky laugh as he turned back to him. "You're the first person in my life who's ever told me that."
Remus wasn't surprised. The British stiff upper lip was a phenomenon he was all too familiar with and knew it could be particularly rife in the upper-class circles he suspected Sirius had spent most of his childhood. Perhaps it was this that meant they could treat their children as cruelly they did. It was easier to hurt others when you had no understanding of their feelings.
"Well you can get used to it because I'm not going anywhere." Remus said, smiling at his friend. "I think the dorms are assigned now anyway so you're quite literally stuck with me." He hoped Sirius might appreciate this attempt at humour. Jokes and laughter usually seemed to be his preferred medicine of choice.
Sirius smiled. "Thanks, Remus." He said, getting to his feet. "You're a good friend. And as a token of my appreciation I'll do my utmost to delay Potter in his mindless act of terrorism on Snape. I know you don't like it."
"Thanks." Remus said, though he didn't see why the act couldn't be delayed indefinitely.
"How's a week?"
A week would be nice. A month, a year, never...? Even better.
But he couldn't bring himself to feel too much resentment towards his friends as he and Sirius joined them back in the dormitory. They had arrived to a scene of chaos. James was certain Peter had used his toothbrush and was demanding an explanation for the crime while Peter protested that he hadn't touched it and that it must have been Sirius. Sirius was furious with him for trying to throw him under the bus and before long the three of them were wrestling each other on the floor; Peter squealing, the others laughing and tickling him.
Remus grinned as he watched them and felt the familiar rush of affection and joy take him over once more. Remus had never really had friends before. He'd never been given that special chance to be there for someone else, to hold their hand through a crisis and to lend a listening ear. He knew his friends were flawed. He knew they could be unkind, stubborn, angry, sometimes even cruel, but they were his friends. And really, when it all came down to it, he wouldn't change them for the world.