AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello everyone! This is a new fanfiction idea I've been brainstorming for a while now. It's basically an adaptation of the docufiction TV series 1000 Ways to Die starring AU thanatologist versions of Ruby and Shannon as the co-hosts. I've been quite fond of the Sharuby ship ever since Your Saving Grace Is Here introduced it in This Will Be Our Year, and I wanted to combine it with my love of dark comedy, so here we are! Do note that I may have to change some of the deaths slightly from the source material, whether to fix errors with the originals or make things line up better or other such stuff. If you've already watched 1000 Ways to Die, you'll know what to expect. If you haven't… then trigger warning, there's going to be death (duh). And lots of it.

With that, I hope you enjoy it!

It's nighttime in Royal Woods. The air is cool and calm, the crickets are chirping, a tranquil stillness is draped over everything.

We cycle through various shots of the Michigan city, from apartment blocks to parks to small businesses. All over the city, people are brushing their teeth, saying their evening prayers, setting their alarm clocks and tucking themselves into bed. Heck, even the normally rambunctious Louds are beginning to turn in for the night.

And then we eventually come to a certain home, with one of its room lights on, its piercing glare interrupting the otherwise shadow-cloaked scenery. Gradually we advance, getting closer to the illuminated room and eventually passing through the window. The room is revealed as an office, its dark blue walls contrasting the wooden floorboards and white ceiling. A large desk sits at the front, on which a few papers, pens and pencils are strewn. Several filing cabinets flank it, and a round red carpet gives the floor a splash of colour.

In the centre are two swivelling chairs with their backs to the camera, both occupied. The figure on the left chair is mostly covered by a head of long dark brown curly hair. The only part of their body visible are their pale-skinned legs from under the chair's seat. They are wearing a pair of white socks adorned with teal shoes.

The other figure has a head of black hair covering their head, a red band enclosing a ponytail that juts out like a spire from their head. They are wearing a red shirt, a teal and beige-patterned skirt, a pair of teal leggings and red shoes.

After a few seconds pass, the figure on the left begins talking.

Figure #1: "You know, the human body is a remarkable, resilient feat of natural engineering."

As they say those words they turn around in their chair, bringing the rest of their body into view. Their face is feminine in shape and their brown eyes are ringed by a pair of circular glasses and flanked by three freckles on each cheek. They don a yellow shirt with a pale yellow scarf and a blue skirt. Their arms are folded in their lap.

Figure #1: "And it has to be. After all, death is everywhere."

Then the figure on the right begins turning. Once they are revealed, their face is also feminine in shape, their skin darker in tone than the left figure. A gold triangular-shaped earring hangs down from each ear. Their arms are instead gripping the swivel chair's arms.

Figure #2: "We, like, try to avoid death, but sometimes we can't get out of its way. Every day, we fight a war… against, like, GERMS, TOXINS, INJURY, ILLNESS, and CATASTROPHE."

As the second figure says those capitalised words, they flash on-screen in varying positions around her.

Figure #1: "You know, there's a LOT of ways one can wind up dead. I think it's a miracle we're even alive at all. Because every day, we face…"

Both Figures: "...1000 WAYS TO DIE."

Figure #2: "My name is Ruby Patel, and this is my co-host Shannon Tannebaum. Together we shall, like, go through many tales of death, big and small, real and fictional, clean and gruesome, painless and painful."

Shannon points her finger in the air.

Shannon: "Before we begin, we have a disclaimer for you. The deaths we are portraying are real and extremely graphic at times. The names of those involved have been changed to protect their identities."

Ruby: "We very much advise you, like, do NOT attempt any of the actions depicted. Because if you do… well…"

Both: "YOU WILL DIE!"

They yell out that last line, the word "DIE" reverberating around their office ominously for several seconds. After a few seconds, Shannon speaks.

Shannon: "I say we waste no more time and get this show on the road. Ruby-Tuesday, mind pulling out a random file from the cabinet?"

Ruby nods obediently.

Ruby: "You got it."

She wheels her chair over to the filing cabinet. Reaching down, she grips the handle with her left arm and pulls the cabinet open, revealing a sea of files all arranged neatly like soldiers in formation. She closes her eyes, hovers her right arm over the files, and reaches in…