JENNIE
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It's been two days since Kai left.
It's been a hard two days. Especially when I noticed he had taken all of his stuff. The two drawers I allotted for him in my dresser I found empty the day after he left, and the guest bedroom closet had been cleared of all the stuff he would leave here so he didn't have to pack a bag every time he stayed, which was more often than not.
It's odd how just a few belongings can make things feel so final. Moving them in feels like true commitment. Moving them out makes it feel like it really is over.
It feels empty here now, something I didn't quite expect. But then I'm reminded that no matter how I feel about Lisa, it never lessened my feelings for Kai. It just made them harder to see.
I don't regret it. Which I thought maybe I would. But so far I stand behind my decision. Kai deserves someone's whole heart, and right now I can't give him that. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever did. It just took Lisa coming back into my life to make me realize it.
I don't know how any of this is going to play out. Lisa and I have never been anything more than friends. What if she decides we're not good together and wants to go back to just being friends? Could I do that? Or worse—what if she decides she doesn't want me in her life at all?
We've always teetered between the lines of friendship and something more, but this is the first time we're fully crossing it. I know once we do, there's no going back. I just hope I can handle the consequences.
I walk through the house, checking windows and making sure everything is locked up. I haven't talked to Lisa since Kai left except to tell her I needed time to think about things and that I'd be in touch.
I'm surprised she's honored my request and not messaged me over the last couple of days. In a way, I'm grateful that she's doing as I asked. In another way I'm scared it means she's thinking, too. Maybe she's changing her mind. Maybe she realizes this for the mistake it probably is.
Either way, today I'm going to find out. She asked me to come visit her this weekend. I never gave her a response though. I'm hoping by showing up out of the blue, I can better gauge her reaction to seeing me.
I called Joan this morning; she didn't seem surprised to hear about Kai or where I had decided to go for the weekend. I hate to think I'm that transparent. Maybe I always have been.
After that, I text Rosé to ask her to check in on the house while I'm away. While I plan to only be gone the weekend, I don't have a shoot scheduled until Wednesday so I could stay a few extra days if things go well.
God, I hope they go well.
My body has never felt so torn between nervous and excited. Well, since I was younger anyway.
Grabbing my coat from the back of the chair, I slide it over my shoulders as I look around the quiet house. Letting out a nervous breath, I throw the bag I packed over my shoulder and then grab my keys from the coffee table.
"It's now or never," I say out loud, pushing my way outside.
I've been to downtown Cleveland more times than I can count. Considering Kai lives here. Correction—used to live here. I shake away the thought and fight my instinct to turn right toward Kai's old place and turn left instead.
Lisa's apartment building is in one of those amazing re-purposed warehouses. It stands three stories high, all brick, with the words Tribute Electric still visible along the top.
I smile to myself, it's so her to live somewhere like this.
Parking my car in the lot behind the building, I grab my duffel bag out of the trunk and on one deep breath, I set off toward the entrance. There's a door that faces the parking lot, but I find it locked and figure I'll need to walk around to the front.
Sure enough, next to the front entrance is a key pad listing out what I presume is the six apartments in the building. Three floors, two apartments per floor.
I hold my hand up to #302, seconds away from pushing the button before chickening out.
Taking a small step back, I search for my cell phone, deciding I should probably call her or at least send a text. What was I thinking just showing up out of the blue like this?
"Oh god, this was such a mistake," I say under my breath, staring at the phone now in my hand as I contemplate turning around and going back to my car.
"We're you coming in?" A female voice pulls my attention forward and I look up to see a blonde-haired girl probably close to my age, holding the door open for me as she leaves.
"Yeah. I mean, yes. Thank you." I quickly step inside, the sound of the door clanking shut causing me to jump slightly.
Walk, Jennie. Walk.
I let out a nervous laugh and shake my head, turning toward the first staircase I see.
What the hell is wrong with me? I think, shoving my cell phone in the back pocket of my skinny jeans as I reach the second floor landing. My hands are shaking so bad a passerby might think I suffer from some awful disease.
I can't help it. My stomach is so knotted I'm seconds away from puking right here in the hallway. How awesome would that be?
I take it you're picking up my sarcasm. It wouldn't be awesome, not even a little. In fact, it would ensure I take off running and never show my face here again.
Maybe that would be a good thing.
Shut up, Jennie, and focus.
Turning the corner I locate the second staircase, identical to the first. Black steel with small holes lining each step. I instantly imagine someone trying to walk down this staircase in heels; the thought distracts me a little as I climb the last remaining stairs before reaching the third floor—Lisa's floor.
Each door is located on opposite ends of the hall. #302 is on the right at the top of the stairs, while #301 is on the other side next to a wall of what looks like office building windows; the ones you can see out of but no one can see into.
Lisa's door is black and looks to be made out of something other than wood, though, I can't be sure what. It's shiny and cold to the touch. Not ready to knock, I look around before finding myself staring at the black and white tiled floor which reminds me of an old fashioned diner.
I don't know how long I stand here—bag on my shoulder, too scared to do anything, maybe even breathe—before I hear the door jolt open and her voice wash over me.
"How damn long are you going to stand out here? You're killing me, Jen." I look up to see Lisa's smile, and all of my doubts just melt away in that one look.
Her hair is down, falling around her face in a way that makes her even more delicious, which I didn't know was possible until this very moment. She has a pair of gym shorts on that hang loose on her hips and a vintage Raiders shirt I swear looks eerily similar to something she used to wear when we were kids.
She's perfect, every single thing about her.
She looks at ease, comfortable in her own skin, and in some weird way it makes me feel a bit more settled, too.
Without warning, she steps forward and pulls me into her arms, hugging me tightly against her chest.
"Man it feels good to see you," she speaks into my hair.
"You knew I was here?" I state the obvious, managing to find my voice.
Relax, Jen, this is Lisa. The girl you've known over half your life. The girl who's seen you covered head to toe in mud digging in the creek for crawdads. The girl who knows how you snore when you have a cold, avoid eye contact when you're lying, and how you snort when you laugh too hard. It's just Lisa.
"I saw you getting out of your car." She releases me with a large grin on her face.
Stepping back, she gestures for me to come inside. The moment I step over the threshold I spot an entire wall of the same windows that are in the hall directly to my right. They stretch floor to ceiling and right below them is the parking lot, of course.
"When you didn't buzz, I figured someone let you in, but then I kept waiting and waiting." She shuts the door behind me, and I hear the lock slip into place seconds before her fingers loop under the strap of my bag, lifting it off my shoulder.
"Sorry, I was just looking around," I say, allowing her to take my coat next.
"Were you looking around or thinking about making a run for it?" she teases, setting my bag and coat on a large, black wrap around couch that's angled so that half faces the wall of windows and the other half faces the television mounted on the opposite wall.
"Maybe both," I admit, feeling her eyes on me as I look around the expansive space. "This place is incredible," I add.
And it is.
It's wide open—the kitchen, dining room, and living room all one huge space that is only defined by the pieces of furniture that occupy it. There's the wall of windows and then the entire connecting wall is exposed brick. The only drywall appears to be where the apartment was sectioned off from the hallway and then toward the back where I assume the bedroom and bathroom is.
The kitchen, though on the other side of the room, I can clearly see has shiny black countertops and glossy gray cabinets. The dining room has a picnic style table only it's much larger, stained a dark walnut, and the benches don't appear to be connected. The floor is the same dark wood and looks to cover the entire apartment.
"I've never seen anything like this before," I continue, looking up to see the exposed beams and ducts.
"I'm glad you like it."
"I don't just like it. This place, Lisa. I love it."
"Good because I designed it."
"You did?" I whip around to find her standing just a few inches from me, a pleased smile on her face.
"This was one of the first projects I did on my own. Of course, the building was already here so a lot of what I normally do didn't have to be done. But I got to set the design for the interior and drew up the blueprints. Once the work started, I loved this place so much I insisted the owner lease me one of the units."
"Well, considering you're here, I'm guessing he liked your work," I say, pretending not to be too impressed when I'm actually floored at the creativity this girl possesses.
"I guess so," he says, eyes narrowing. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have laid out the red carpet and welcomed you with fireworks or, at the very least, those little horn things we used to always blow on New Year's."
I give her a knowing look, unable to fight my smile.
"That's precisely why you didn't." She speaks for me. "Yeah, you never were a red carpet kind of girl." She shrugs.
"What kind of girl am I?" I ask, tilting my head to the side.
"I'll let you know when I figure it out."
"And here I thought you knew everything," I smart off.
"About the girl Jennie, yes. But this version of you, I'm not so sure." She snags her lower lip between her teeth as her eyes rake over me.
I suddenly feel naked, exposed, and while it's a little unnerving, I love it at the same time. I love the way she looks at me without apology, like she doesn't care that she's very openly checking me out.
"I think you'll find I'm still the same old, boring girl I've always been."
"Same maybe but boring"—she shakes her head back and forth—"never."
"We'll see," I say, registering the challenge in her eyes.
"Yes, I guess we will." Just like that, the heaviness lifts and her easy smile falls back into place. "Bad news, though; I haven't gone to the store in a few days and since I promised someone some of my world famous waffles,"—she winks— "I'll need to go grab a few things this afternoon."
"I'm disappointed," I tease. "Here I thought I was getting red carpets and caviar. Instead, I get steel stairs and an empty pantry. Hmph." I turn up my nose and walk toward the door.
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Each word she pronounces brings her voice closer and closer until seconds before I reach the door her arms are around me, her breath hot on my cheek, her hard body pressed into my back. "Just where do you think you're going, Ruby?" She calls me a name I haven't heard in years, my first name and something I never tell anyone.
"You call me that again and home is where I'm going," I tease, managing to turn myself in her arms so we are standing front to front.
"Ruby. Ruby. Ruby," she taunts, tightening her grip on me so this time I'm stuck where I am.
"Alright, Sampson." We both fall silent for a split second and then burst into laughter. "Damn it, I've got nothing. Sampson doesn't hold a candle Ruby." I drop my head against her chest, loving the feeling of her laughter vibrating against my cheek.
"You're the sexiest Ruby I've ever met," she says, the playfulness dying away. "And I'm really glad you're here, Jen." She squeezes me tighter.
"Me, too."
"It feels weird, having you here—in my real life. A good weird," she quickly adds.
"I wasn't part of your real life before?" I ask, pulling back to look up at her face.
"No, of course, you were. That's not what I meant. It's just that we spent so many years tucked away in the bubble of Irving that I didn't realize how liberating it would feel to have you here, in an entirely new element."
"I know what you mean," I agree, because I do.
It's like living under a storm cloud and then finally waking up to the sun shining down on your face. What we shared before this matters, of course, it does. I feel like here, away from it all, we have a chance to do more, be more, and like Lisa said, it's liberating.
"What do you say I give you the full tour, and then I'll get changed and we can head out? I can show you my hooood." She drags out the word with her best gangsta voice and then gives me a sideways smile when I look at her like she's officially lost it.
"No," I say, shaking my head.
"Not doing it for you?" She laughs, releasing her hold on me.
While I feel the loss of her touch instantly, I'm also grateful for the chance to catch my breath for a second.
"I think 'show me around town' would work just fine." I laugh.
"Noted."
There's that damn smile again, and oh god, if it doesn't do something unexplainable to me. By the look in her eyes she knows it, too, and that just makes the feeling even more pronounced.
"Come on." She drops an arm over my shoulder and leads me through the apartment.
"Living room." She points behind us.
"Obviously," I tease.
"Dining room." She gestures to the area with the table on our left before turning to the right. "Kitchen."
"I love these countertops," I say, running my hand along the island which is the only real divider between the kitchen and everything else.
"Concrete," she says.
"Concrete?"
"Yep. I like things a little different."
"Explains why you were always my friend." It just slips out.
"Jennie Kim." She grabs my hand and spins me around before pulling me flush against my chest. "You are more than just a little different. That's what I've always loved about you." It's a whisper on my lips and then she pulls back, a knowing smirk firmly intact.
"Back here is the bathroom." She continues like nothing happened, leading me down a long hallway before pointing to the right. "And here"—she spins me the other direction—"is the bedroom."
She pushes open the door and flips on the light, revealing an enormous room. Like the rest of the house it's open to the ceiling so you can see all the ducts and beams, and there's an exposed brick wall along the back where the bed is positioned.
The furniture pieces are bulky and yet somehow look small in a room that looks like it could easily be sectioned off into three bedrooms. As I look around the space, Lisa heads to a dresser off to the side. At first I think she's just grabbing some clothes to change elsewhere, but when I glance in her direction, she's sliding off her shorts like she's the only one in the room.
Her shirt comes off next and while my gut reaction as her friend is to turn away, as the girl who has always pined after her, I simply can't.
Besides, she still has boxer briefs on so it's not any different than seeing her when we went swimming as kids every summer. I swear the girl never owned a pair of trunks.
I catch my breath when she turns, giving me a full view of just how much her body has changed over the years.
I grind my teeth together, certain that she's fully aware of my ogling but also not able to stop myself.
She's perfect. Every inch of her. I swear I think for a second I almost stop breathing. Or maybe I do because when I look at Lisa, she lets out a slow exhale like she's silently telling me to take a breath, or maybe she's telling herself.
I quickly avert my eyes, looking anywhere but at her as heat flushes my face. If there was a mirror in front of me, I bet money my cheeks are as bright as they feel.
"You could have warned me you were getting naked," I say, faking annoyance as I walk toward a distressed looking shelf on her wall.
"Never bothered you when we were kids." I can hear the smile in her voice and the rustle of fabric.
"But we aren't kids anymore, are we?" I ask, my fingers closing around a picture frame and pulling it closer to my face.
I'm so shocked by what it is I don't know what to say. It's us. Me and Lisa. It was taken probably ten years ago. We're sitting on the dock of the pond outside of town where we swam a lot as kids, our feet dangling in the water. Lisa's arm is around me, and there are ridiculous smiles on both of our faces. Per usual, she's in boxers; like I said, kid never owned trunks. But that's not what pulls my attention. It's how happy we look. How—in love?
It's a crazy thought. I've seen a million pictures of us when we were kids, but until this very moment, I never really looked at them. Maybe everyone else has got it right. Maybe we've always loved each other, even before we were old enough to know what that love meant.
"It's safe to look now. I promise." Lisa chuckles when I jump, not realizing how close she's suddenly standing to me.
Flipping my gaze to her chest, I'm both relieved and disappointed that she's now dressed in a gray t-shirt and dark jeans; lord knows there's no way I could form a thought otherwise if she wasn't.
"That's one of my favorites," she says, looking down at the photo in my hands.
"Why do you have this?" I question. "I mean, why did you keep it? With the way you left I just thought..."
"Leaving never erased the memory of you, Jen. You were always here"—she taps the side of her head—"and here." She rests a fist against her chest. "I was running, Jennie. I've been running for the past six years. But you're in too deep, part of every single memory, etched in the very person that I am. It only took seeing you again to know what I've been trying to outrun for six years and never could. It was you."
"Kai left for Chicago," I blurt seemingly out of nowhere. "He left me," I add more specifically, for some reason unknown feeling the need to throw that out there before things go any further.
Or maybe I just needed an escape from her confession because the way she makes me feel is scary as hell.
"Is that why you're here?" She turns to face me head on.
"No," I answer truthfully. "He asked me to go with him."
"Then why didn't you?" Her voice is low, soft.
"The truth?" I let out a slow exhale, meeting her dark gaze that is trained directly on me.
"The truth," she repeats.
"I couldn't bear the thought of losing you all over again, not when you just came back into my life."
She slides the photo from my hand and sets it back on the shelf, stepping impossibly close. So close I can feel her breath on my face.
"But you could bear the thought of losing him?" she questions, her thumb reaching out to trace my lower lip.
"Yes." The truth is a whisper, a confession left in the wind, and then it's gone, replaced by the feeling of Lisa's warm lips pressed against mine.
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