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Chapter 9

Doubts ... Fears ... - 'Do it your self'-Enlightenment

Bella

On the drive home, I felt like I had ignored some important information today.

I thought about how silly this driving back and forth was for Edward, just to make Charlie believe that I would spend the nights alone in my room. If I still had my truck and could drive it myself, I wouldn't feel quite so childish about it ... But to tell Edward that he wanted to give me a car after all simply contradicted certain inner principles that immediately began to protest loudly. And then it came back to me. Hadn't Alice said something about 'my car' today?

"Um ... honey ...?"

"Honey?" Edward looked at me with a raised eyebrow in amusement. "Well, that's a first - I could get used to this."

Honey. Why did I say that? Was I seriously that excited ... It's ridiculous.

"Alice said something about a car today ..."

"Oh, did she? The old chatterbox can't keep her mouth shut again."

He didn't look taken.

"I just thought ... you could save yourself driving back and forth every morning and evening if I could drive myself again ..."

That's when a beaming grin spread across his face.

"That's an excellent coincidence! If you want, we can pick up your new car from Seattle together tomorrow!"

"Um ... yes ...?" I frowned. "From Seattle?"

"I just got the call earlier that it would be ready for pickup tomorrow morning."

The enthusiasm just sparkled in his eyes.

"Alice said something about Rose and garage, though?"

"Oh ... N ... oh that?"

He suddenly looked like a little kid who had been caught playing a prank.

"Yeaaah ...? That!"

Alarm bells were ringing.

"Well, that's so ... I ... um. You ... don't get that until ... after the transformation!"

"What, after the transformation?"

"Well, it's a little too unsafe for me right now for you."

Oh God, this could not be good.

"But it's been in the garage before?", I asked indignantly.

"Yes, I couldn't resist and Rose wanted to make a few modifications anyway," he admitted somewhat meekly.

"And tomorrow?"

"Comes your custom-made one!", enthusiastically shot out of him, and he beamed at me, but immediately pressed his lips together in embarrassment when he perceived my aghast facial expression.

"That means you bought me two cars?", I asked incredulously.

"Um ... yeah, well no. But ... yes ...", he stammered and looked helpfully at the roof of the car.

As aghast as I was, I just couldn't stay very mad at the sight of him.

"What is it now? Yes or no?", I asked no longer quite so sharply.

"So ... The car we pick up tomorrow, you can return it after your transformation. It's just a loaner, so to speak, with special safety precautions that you won't need afterward."

"I see ... special safety precautions. Does that mean I can drive 200 miles an hour - not that I ever go that fast - into a tree without getting hurt?"

"Um ... yeah, something like that."

He grinned wryly at me.

"You're really cracked!"

I had to laugh and shook my head.

"Does that mean yes?"

He looked at me in surprise, as if he had expected more resistance.

To be honest, I was a little surprised myself ... But what would be the point?

"Yes. Okay. We'll get it tomorrow."

I just hoped that I could ride it at all.

Full of joy, he bent down to kiss me.

"Edward, look at the road! We're almost there!" I shouted, startled.

After a quick but nice dinner with Charlie, who was now projecting his disappointment exclusively onto Renée and seemed to be warming up to our plans, I sprinted upstairs to the bathroom and was ready for bed within five minutes ...

Ready for Edward. In half-length satin sleep pants and matching tank top.

But he wasn't there yet when I got to my room.

So I sat down cross-legged on my mattress, began to comb through my damp hair with my fingers and examined the tangible damage to my feet. However, nothing was visible except for a few reddish pressure marks.

Less than two minutes later the window opened, Edward swung through it like a performer and came towards me beaming with joy.

Was he wearing those comfortable pants and the long loose shirt earlier too? Why had he changed his clothes?

"Hey, what took you so long?", I asked curiously.

"Hey, my angel! Have you been waiting that long?"

Of course he knew exactly how long.

"I just wanted to organize the ride tomorrow morning, since I assume you don't want to drive the Volvo or the Mercedes that far by yourself right away," he said as he just about folded himself around me from the side.

"And who's coming along?"

Hold on. Mercedes - didn't they come from Europe somewhere? But ... did I even want to know?

"Preferably all of them." He rolled his eyes. "I didn't wait to see if they came to an agreement. We'll see in the morning."

I could say no more about it, because he had already put a hand to my cheek, turned my head to him and pressed his lips against mine.

Wow ...!

Instantly, a tingling current ran through me.

He was not as careful as usual, almost greedy ... And took my breath away.

I had to come away from him gasping for air.

"Wow ... Edward, what happened to your restraint?", I asked, breathing heavily.

"That good?", he laughed softly, but then became more serious. "I think since the massage I can better assess and dose my touches ..."

I did not let him speak.

"Very good. One more!", I demanded, while I had already grabbed his head and pulled it to me.

I first felt his grin and then a sensation I had never known.

He opened his mouth and sucked on my lower lip.

An irrepressible blaze ran through me and stole my mind.

All I felt was our lips wrestling with each other in stormy passion ...

Until he jerkily detached himself from me with a quiet smack.

Breathing heavily, we sat facing each other - with our foreheads leaning against each other ...

No, rather I sat astride his lap, pressed tightly against him, my hands cupped in his hair ... His hands ... were under my top on my waist ...

And seemingly at the same time, another realization set in for us.

Because the moment I became boiling hotly aware of his hard erection on my abdomen, his hands slid onto my hips and pushed me a good bit away from him.

My lips burned and felt slightly swollen. With difficulty, I fought the urge to give in to their tingling demands.

I loosened my grip and opened my eyes.

His gaze reflected a mixture of dark desire and liquid gold - the same inner struggle between deep longing and convulsive restraint.

He leaned back against the wall a bit and ran his hands over his face.

"God, Bella! What was that?", he murmured in an occupied voice.

If only I knew! That was a kiss ... like none before ... How was it going to end? ... If we both could not control ourselves now!

"I don't know," I whispered, rising from him and sinking slightly discouraged onto the mattress in the other direction.

He put a hand on my knee, but said nothing for a while.

Still, the gesture was incredibly reassuring.

"How are your feet, by the way?", he then asked, and I felt his fingers sliding over my half-naked lower leg down to my foot.

Good red herring - I was grateful to him.

"No bruises - feels like it though," I admitted.

Then he took it in both hands and started massaging my ball and toes. It hurt and felt so incredibly good at the same time.

I groaned - from sheer relief.

"Oh God, Edward!"

He immediately interrupted his gifted kneading movements.

"No, no. Go ahead, that's perfect!", I protested.

"But only if you stop moaning and gasping," his raspy voice rang out.

"Hmm ...? What? Why?"

I lifted my head questioningly to look at him.

He rolled his eyes.

"Because that does things ... Oh, just bite it back and tell me how your stiletto practice session was this afternoon."

"I imagined it would be worse, especially with Emmett. But except for those horrible kicks, it was actually pretty fun."

"Hmm ... I noticed that. And do you think you can do it in the short time? I can try to talk to Alice - because for my sake, you can get married in other shoes - maybe not exactly ski boots or Birkenstock slippers. But otherwise ..."

We both had to chuckle.

"No, that's all right. I'll definitely try it for a while and if it doesn't work ..."

"Then the cable comes into play - but please not the angel version."

He laughed out as I nudged him with my free foot.

Immediately he grabbed him, and I had to suppress a groan as he began to perform his arts on it.

"What phone calls were actually so important today that you left me to Em and Jazz?", I asked curiously, without any real hope for a concrete answer.

"I planned and organized our honeymoon," he said flatly, suddenly letting go of my foot.

The lightness was gone in one fell swoop and I sat up.

"And how should we proceed now?", I asked doubtfully.

He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped me in his arms.

"Well, I'd like to take a break today. It was all a bit too much for me yesterday."

Yesterday? After the massage ... hmm ...

"Well ... as I said there, ... I didn't ... actually find it bad at all, rather ...", I said hesitantly, because I already knew that he wouldn't like to hear that so much.

And promptly he interrupted me, too.

"Not bad? God, Bella! I almost jumped you without restraint!"

"Yes ... and yet I don't think you would have hurt me," I insisted.

He let out a sigh and lowered his arms.

"Bella ..." He shook his head, visibly struggling for words. "I don't know how to explain it to you ... At first I wasn't in my right mind, but you were able to bring me back with a few words ... But then! God ..."

He buried his face in his hands as if he was ashamed.

I clasped his joints to stop him.

"Edward, please ...", I continued.

But he did not let me finish.

"Bella, I can't tell you how by a whisker that was ... It was like ... my hunting instinct ... when I ... There was nothing and no one that could have stopped me!"

He still did not let his hands move.

"Edward. Nothing happened. Don't blame yourself. You went to the window and had everything under control again," I tried to placate him.

He slowly lowered his hands and now looked at me reproachfully.

"Yes ... and how long I stood there wrestling with myself! It was so incredibly close!"

I gave a slightly annoyed sigh.

The same thing over and over again. How was I supposed to make him understand? I trusted him, no matter in what condition. My patience was at an end.

"And if it had, it would have just happened!" I blurted out.

He looked at me absolutely aghast.

"Bella! How can you ...? Have you lost your mind?" He studied my defiant expression and then his expression turned to incredulous rage. "God! Aren't you actually scared? Since when are you into rape? ... You're a virgin after all! Or am I remembering that wrong!?"

My features slipped as the realization hit.

Crap! I hadn't actually thought that far ahead.

I looked down at my intertwined hands in my lap and slumped my shoulders in discouragement.

"Hey ...! Come here," he said softly again. "I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry."

Tenderly he stroked the hair out of my face and wanted to turn it to look me in the eyes.

I closed them.

I couldn't look at him now.

"No, I'm sorry! I ... you're right. I'm afraid of it hurting, too."

Finally it was out. How would he react?

I looked up at him somewhat miserably.

He took my cheeks in his hands, looked into my eyes with understanding, then leaned his forehead against mine and sighed.

"Why do I feel like everything keeps getting more complicated?", he said so quietly that I wasn't sure if I should have heard it.

Then he kissed me first on the forehead, then on the mouth and detached himself from me a little to look at me again.

"You haven't talked to anyone about this?"

I took a deep breath.

"Yes ... First with Alice - but she can't remember. And she also doesn't know if it was ..." Whether he knew anything? "Do you know if it's as ... painful ... with vampires?"

Edward first looked at me in amazement and thought ...

Was there a glimmer of hope there?

"Hmm ... Well, I don't know exactly. I'd have to ask Carlisle, he should know better. But after everyone else assumed we'd wait until after the transformation and didn't warn me ... I don't think it would be worse in any case ... or even regenerate. The clear advantage, though, would be that there would certainly be no blood involved."

"Blood? I thought you were over that?"

"Theoretically, yes, but I'm not one hundred percent sure. Who knows what kind of emotional state of emergency I'll be in at that moment? Didn't you ask your mother?"

He was really eager to sort it out.

"Um ... no, but Angela. She already calmed me down a bit ... in a way ... But we didn't talk about bleeding," I stammered and noticed how my cheeks warmed up.

His expression wavered between curiosity and disappointment.

"In what sense?"

Curiosity had won. God, why was it so hard for me to talk about it? Once again, he seemed absolutely cool.

"Well, she meant ... it doesn't necessarily have to be painful ..."

He looked at me expectantly and challengingly, while I had to squeeze every word out of my cerebral convolutions.

"It depends ... mostly on ... what state I'm in," I choked out.

He raised an eyebrow.

"And you have a problem with that?"

"Me?...No. But I think the right state would be a problem for you," I explained.

He frowned briefly and then said, "Well, if I have myself under control by that time, I'll get myself under control again. Instead, this ... thin membrane burdens me far too much."

He looked quite convinced and slowly some amusement joined my fit of embarrassment.

The testimony of my virginity seemed to have really done it to him.

"Actually, I was hoping to hear more about it from you."

Of course, he didn't let up. I was just not quite clear about what he wanted to know.

"Um ... what exactly?"

The question then bogged him down.

"So ... well ... um ... Carlisle meant ..."

"You were talking to Carlisle about MY hymen?", I interrupted him in horror, and he also had the audacity to grin at me.

"What do you think. Who else was I supposed to talk to? But no. Of course, not directly about yours ... Whereas he had also offered to examine you ..."

"WHAT!? Have you taken leave of your senses?"

I looked at him in shock.

Surely he couldn't seriously expect me to sit in the gynecologist's chair in front of his father!

"Don't worry!", he laughed at the top of his lungs. "My reaction to the proposal was almost the same."

I exhaled in relief and looked at him reproachfully.

"Do you have to shock me like that!"

"I'm sorry! ", he said with flashing eyes that belied his words and gave me a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose. "I take it you're not going to the gynecologist with me?"

"God, Edward! Certainly not! If you want to find out so badly, you'll have to do it yourself!"

Now his features derailed, and I smirked.

Plan successful.

"I don't know why everyone keeps suggesting this to me! As if I didn't have enough other problems ..." he mumbled to himself, self-consciously. "Ah Bella!" He gave an exasperated sigh. "Can't you ... I mean, ... you've got to ... Oh man."

God, he was cute, looking so embarrassed for the right words. I already felt a bit mean. But I didn't really know what to say to him either.

So I preferred to cling to my cheerfulness a little longer, as long as I could.

"So, Carlisle was talking about size and elasticity and strength ...," he tried to jog my memory.

My mind raced.

I could not describe that to him. Apart from that, I hadn't really looked at it under such aspects. Never really before.

"Um ... Edward? How am I supposed to describe that. I don't have any comparison at all, do I?!"

Slightly frustrated, he let his head sink back against the wall and closed his eyes. He frowned, it smoothed out again and then he looked down at me with a slight spark of hope.

"You do use tampons ..."

How the hell did he know that again? ... Okay. The smell of blood. That makes sense. What should I say now? If I know how thick your dick is, I can give you more information?! ... ? ... I had to say something, otherwise he would never let go.

"Um ... yeah ... I use regular tampons - super hurts a little when I pull them out," I wrestled from me and prayed fervently that would be enough for him.

My gaze slid unconsciously down him and lingered on his crotch.

Memories of last night shot through my head and with them emotions through my body. I suddenly became aware of the cooled moisture in my pants and tightly closed my legs. Thanks to the long loose shirt I could not see any hint of his state of arousal.

"How are you actually doing right now?", I murmured, captivated.

"Quite well - as you can see!"

My gaze twitched to his knowing grin, causing the blood flow to my cheeks to immediately spike.

"I'm in control, if that's what you mean," he added.

"Did you get used to it so quickly?", I asked, surprised.

"Well, last night was a punishing ordeal. At first I wanted to air out the room and shake up the bed. But then I thought I should take the opportunity to harden myself. And I think it paid off. I've got a pretty good handle on myself right now," he said, lost in thought. "It was probably the element of surprise in the first place," he muttered very quietly to himself.

All at once I saw the image of a perverted stalker pressing the panties of his object of lust under his nose. What kind of bad movie had I dug that up from? Then I saw Edward in my mind's eye, bending over my lap and sucking in the air with pleasure. Instantly it began to tingle in my abdomen and I mentally gave myself a resounding slap. Well great! Did sex deprivation always trigger such perverted fantasies? All that was missing was for me to fall all over him during a wet dream ... Oh God! Had I already done that and he just hadn't said anything about it ... Don't think about it ... I had to distract myself.

"What do you mean?" I said with difficulty and didn't really know anymore what he had actually said.

"I think it was the surprise effect. Theoretically, I had read about these pheromones and ... so on. But practically, it still totally blew my mind."

"And are there any other 'theories' you're concerned about?"

"It's hard to say. For example, how many times have we kissed? Who could have guessed earlier that I would ... or rather we would react like that!"

"Oh ...! Yes, I see what you mean ... You could have quietly warned me!", I said playfully reproachful.

"Sorry!" he laughed. "Next time, you'll get a program run-down beforehand."

"That's all I ask - if you want to avoid surprises on my part."

We both laughed and he pulled me close to him to give me a harmless kiss.

Then he became more serious again.

"But there's actually one more thing that worries me. The erogenous zones that Emmett was talking about."

"Emmett ...? Erogene ... Ahh ... yes!" A grin spread across my face. "I think I've already found two there."

"Oh yeah, and what would those be?", he asked curiously.

Instead of answering, I lifted my hand, put it to his chest and felt for his nipple, circling it.

"Number one."

He sucked in a hissing breath and nodded tensely.

"And ..."

Slowly I let my hand slide lower until I felt the waistband to run along it a bit.

"... Number two."

He grabbed my hand and sat up a bit, clearing his throat.

Had something just moved in his pants? Or had I imagined that?

"Okay ... Got it," he croaked in an occupied voice and cleared his throat again. "But if you remember, I was going to take a break today."

"Oh yes ... right," I murmured and looked up at him.

Even before I registered his gaze, I felt it.

It was fixed on my breasts. And as if there was a dedicated line from there to his eyes, this tingling longing instantly set in, which seemed to give my body a life of its own.

His eyes darkened and his breathing quickened.

It was like a palpable pain that flared up, that wanted to feel his hands on my breasts. My heart began to race, I became hot, my palms became wet and not only those ... as I realized with dismay ...

And so did he.

His gaze swiveled a bit lower, and I could literally see his nostrils flare.

OH ... MY ... GOD ...

I threw myself backwards on the mattress and pulled a pillow over my head.

Aahh ...! Everything inside me screamed. My mind: Help, get me out of here! And my body ...? I didn't even want to know.

He cleared his throat a few times, turned to me and put a hand on my knee.

Not good. Not good at all. A glowing current shot from his touch on the shortest way to my pulsating ...? ...! Center ...

I breathed frantically, clutching the pillow, and struggling for every ounce of self-control I could find.

"Hey ... Bella," he murmured in a voice far too erotic. "Everything is okay."

Everything okay? Nothing was alright at all!

"I really have myself completely under control!", he continued to speak and gently stroked the bare strip of skin between my pants and top.

Shit! Good for you! Not me! ... Cut it out!, I would have liked to say, but had no power over my lips, let alone words.

"Don't be embarrassed ... It's just a natural - purely physical reaction that you have no control over," he tried to reassure me and achieved the exact opposite. "I don't even know what it's really like inside you! Hey, relax!"

Relax! How? Shut the fuck up already and get your hands off me. You want to know what it's like inside me?

"You haven't even commented on the pause thing yet," he said with a smirk, his fingers moving higher under my top. "Do you want to ..."

I heard nothing more.

Aahh ...! every fiber in me screamed. Touch me. Take me. Tear off our clothes. FUCK ME!

His hand jerked away, and I heard him say, "So vulgar today?"

I pulled the pillow away and stared at him in horror.

"I didn't say that out loud now!?"

"Um ... yes!", he confirmed my worst fears and examined my face closely.

I hid it in my hands and groaned loudly.

"Ohh ... no!"

"I'm sorry, Bella. I guess I misinterpreted your reaction," he said, visibly amused and not nearly embarrassed.

What was there to misinterpret about that? I asked myself.

"Oh shut up and distract me," I said loudly and perhaps a little too aggressively. "Do you have any other worries or fears while we're at it?"

"Um ... yes. There's actually another problem. A pretty serious one, actually."

He really sounded very serious and concerned.

I straightened up on my elbows to look at him.

"Yeah, what kind?"

"So ... um. It's about my ... how shall I say ...? It's about the seminal fluid of vampires."

I sat up.

"Okay. And what's the problem with that?"

"All of our bodily fluids contain some amount of venom. Not as concentrated, of course, as in our saliva, but still ..."

My befuddled brain needed something to get going and process what I had heard.

"... it is present in some form in sperm. And since you're very likely to be injured, it's also going to get into your bloodstream."

My eyes grew wide and memories of my first contact with vampire venom flooded in. My insides contracted painfully, and I stroked the scar on my right wrist, lost in thought.

Edward's cool hand on mine brought me back to the present.

"Hey, Bella! Come here," he said gently, pulling me back into his arms. "Carlisle doesn't think it's dangerous. I'm just not one hundred percent sure. But if you want, we can work it out."

"Can't you just use a rubber then?"

This seemed to be the simplest solution.

"You mean a condom?"

It was clear from his face that he had not given it a second thought.

Typical man!

But then, to my amazement, his expression brightened.

"Maybe not a bad idea at all. I just don't know if they're venom resistant, too. I'll definitely have to ask Carlisle about that!"

"Ah yes, just. Can't he check it out in the hospital lab?" I interjected.

His facial expression distorted as if he had bitten into a sour apple.

"Hmm ... Yes ... He can do that," he pressed out between clenched teeth, looking quite resigned in doing so.

I looked at him questioningly and could not for the life of me make sense of this reaction.

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