First off, let me give a HUGEEEE thank you to miaoca304 for the amazing idea they've given me. Let's give them a hand!
*guy in the back row gives standing ovation*
*It suddenly occurs to me that he is the only person in the room*
*I realize there is no room*
*I begin to question my sanity*
Seriously amazing. If anyone else has masterful ideas, let me hear them. Just because this is a rewrite doesn't mean everything's going to be exactly the same.
To Guest: You're welcome! I love responding to reviewers!
And thanks to miaoca304 and ReadBooksWriteThings for reviewing!
The song that is used in this chapter is All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From the Vault) Give all credit to miaoca304 for this idea.
The lyrics won't be in order. I'm writing them as they apply to the story. I'll put the full lyrics at the end of the chapter!
"Now, Katniss," Caesar was saying. I pulled my gaze away from Finnick in the audience. Don't look at him, Katniss. I told myself. You are above him. You are above them all. "There have been some rumors, some confirmed by the man himself, that you and Finnick Odair are in a relationship together. What do you have to say about them?"
I took a breath. I had already constructed my lie. It was best, when telling a falsehood such as mine, to keep it as close to the truth as possible. "I guess you could say it was true, once. Finnick and I have been friends for years, as you all know. We decided to take our relationship a step further."
"But you used past tense just now. Enlighten us, Katniss."
One camera was trained on me, and the other found Finnick in the crowd, staring intently at me. I refused to meet his eye. I glanced up on the big screen and saw it was split, showing both of us.
"We broke up."
"Details, Katniss. We're all dying to hear the juicy details."
I felt immensely uncomfortable. The only way out of this question would be to make a spectacle of it. I forced a fresh tear to trickle down my face. It wasn't hard.
"I'm sorry, Caesar. It's just… it's still fresh. It's hard to talk about." I felt Peeta's arm go around my shoulders.
"Of course, Katniss. We understand." I was grateful when Caesar finally changed the subject. "Now, one more question for the both of you. It's customary for a Victor to have a special talent to spend time on once they're crowned. What are the two of you planning to focus on?"
I decided to let Peeta answer first, so I could spend some time dramatically wiping away my tears.
"I think I'll probably spend some time painting. I grew up frosting the cakes at my family's bakery, so art is really my thing."
"And what about you, Girl on Fire? Your talent is singing, correct?"
"Yes," I replied. "Yes, I sing."
"And you sing only covers, right?"
"As of right now, that's true, but I've actually started writing an original tune. I'm excited to share it with you one of these days." That's when Caesar decided to move onto the recaps.
…
I hesitated when I saw Finnick standing there, waiting for an elevator.
"We need to talk about this, Finnick," I said, as I called for a down elevator for Haymitch, Peeta, and myself. He ignored me, and continued staring straight ahead at the elevator. "Finnick," I said louder, my voice snapping at him. "Finnick look at me, say something." I could see myself saying the same thing to my mother. She blocked me out years ago, and now Finnick was doing it, too. I hated being ignored and blocked out. I hated it.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Katniss," His voice was raspy. When he looked at me, I could see that his eyes were bloodshot. He had been crying just as much as I had today.
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
His elevator arrived, and the doors opened. "I'll call you when I think we can try to be friends."
He sent one more glance my way before disappearing behind the elevator doors. I turned away, feeling tears, yet again, pricking at my eyes. I found my way to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, hating that there were more tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Katniss?" I heard a voice say. I looked up and found a blurry Mags through my tears. "Are you alright, dear? Finnick asked me to find you. He said you were distraught."
"You could say that," I said miserably. But part of me was glad that Finnick still cared.
She handed me a bag. "What happened?"
"Finnick," I answered, scrubbing away the tears.
"It's alright. I understand what you're going through, I do." She gestured for me to open it. It was a makeup bag. "You just need to put on a face for the public. We're all actresses here."
I finished covering my puffy eyes and handed her the bag. "Thank you, Mags,"
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That's what happened, you
I wrote out the words as I got back to my room. I was so angry. Why did he think completely abandoning me was the correct solution? He was my only friend, and he apparently didn't value our relationship the way I did. Haymitch said he was trying to protect me, but I really didn't care right now. I just wanted him back.
…
"You're leaving us?" I repeated, not quite comprehending what she was saying.
My mother placed her hand over mine. "Please try to understand, Katniss. I still love you, I do. But we need to stay in the bakery."
"There's room for you here, or with Peeta," I protested. "You don't have to leave. This is a choice you're making. You're choosing the baker over me."
Mother shook her head. "He has a name. And I'm not 'choosing' him."
"I'm not calling him 'dad', if that's what you want." I argued, standing up. "I had a dad. He left, and now you're leaving, too."
"I'm not asking you to, but you can't just keep calling him the Baker."
"What about Prim? Are you taking her with you?" I asked, ignoring her.
"I'm leaving it up to her. Just the same as you."
"I can't believe this," I stood up and walked up the stairs. My mother was marrying Peeta's father. The baker's wife filed for a divorce the second Peeta announced his relation to me on screen. It wasn't long after that our parents started going out again, and just as icing on the cake, mom decided she needed to marry the man who tried to manipulate me in favor of Peeta. I can forgive him for that, but I cannot forgive him for leaving my family to starve, and not supporting us then. Not even letting us have the stale or burnt bread, as Peeta did.
My mother stood up to follow me, but then heard the doorbell. She opened it for her future husband and stepped outside with him. Just another moment where my mother chose him over me. Her daughter. The girl who supported her and cared for her for five whole years while she was a vegetable. And just as she started to get better, she abandoned me yet again.
Prim was still at school, and Gale was working in the mines, so I pulled on my jacket and walked to Madge's house.
It had been three months since I returned home. October 29. Three months of working on my talent (singing and writing my song), hunting on Sundays with Gale, three months of Peeta following me around like a puppy, trying to get to know me as a brother should, and three months with no word from Finnick.
I went to Madge's often. She was in her last year of school, and three days a week she would come home early, as she had finished all her classes for the day. She understood me better than most. As the mayor's daughter, she had a few connections in the Capitol, so when I mentioned it, she knew what I meant. She understood my relationship with Finnick, and with Peeta, and with my mother.
So when she handed me a letter addressed to me from Finnick, she understood the look on my face. Somewhere between panic, excitement, and relief, or so I'm told. I sat down on the piano bench next to her and slid my finger under the lip of the envelope to peel it open. Very, very slowly, I unfolded the letter. The fact that he was writing to me made me nervous. There was something he wasn't comfortable saying over the phone. Phone calls were monitored much closer than letters. Phone calls could be recorded and used against us in the future. Letters could be burned and never seen again.
"Well?" Madge asked me. I cleared my throat.
"Dear Katniss," I began. Madge giggled. I looked up at her, irritated by her reaction.
"Dear," She explained. "He cares about you."
I sighed.
"Dear Katniss," I began again.
"I'm sorry that it's taken this long to reach out to you. Today is October 25, exactly three months after you left the Capitol. I am still in the Capitol, so don't bother responding to this letter. It won't reach me."
My heart sank. He was still in the Capitol. That meant he still had appointments. It had been three months. He should be home by now. It must've been Snow's way of getting back at us. It didn't matter how angry I was at him, in that moment, I was terrified for him.
"To begin with, I want you to know that my feelings for you stay the same. At this rate, they won't be dissipating any time soon, so I think we should just take the chance and resume our friendship. I'll call you from the tribute center at about five o'clock the night of October 29, which would be about three PM for me, before my nightly appointments begin, but after the morning ones end. If you're ready to be my best friend again, let me know. If not, please tell me that, too."
I skimmed the next paragraph. "This gets a little personal," I lied to Madge so that I would have an excuse not to read it outloud.
I'm really sorry about how things ended. I was terrified Snow would do something to you, or one of my brothers. I didn't handle it the way I should have, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blocked you out the way I did. I think if you had been older, closer to my age, it would've worked out. We would have started dating earlier, fourteen or fifteen, maybe. Snow couldn't split us up if all of Panem knew we were together."
The remaining letter was much of the same. He made it very clear that he was sorry he broke it off the way he did, and he wanted to be friends again, and he still cared for me.
"Will you answer his phone call tonight?" Madge asked eagerly.
I exhaled. "Yeah. I don't want him to feel the way I did. I can't do that to anyone."
"Are you alright, Katniss?" She asked, concerned, when she saw the look on my face.
"I'm fine," I lied. "Just a bit of a headache. I might go home."
Madge saw right through the lie. She knew what was bothering me, but she played along for my sake. "Alright. Get some rest."
I ran all the way home, tripping over Buttercup who was sitting on the front porch waiting for her daily meal, and slamming the door behind me.
I screamed. There were even more tears running down my face, and that made me angry. Was I ever done crying?
Someone was knocking on the door, so I pulled myself up and looked through the peephole. It was Peeta. I opened the door for him.
"Are you alright?" He asked. "I heard a scream."
"It's been a rough day," I answered, purposefully hedging around the question.
"I take it you aren't moving in with our parents?"
I opened the door wider, inviting him in. "No."
"I'm not, either. Is Prim?"
"They haven't told her."
Peeta sat down next to me on the couch. I flipped on some Capitol gossip show, which decided now would be the perfect time to talk about me.
"And here we see Katniss and Finnick greeting each other at the tribute parade," A man with pink hair was saying. It flashed to the scene of Finnick picking me up and twirling me at the chariots.
"I think it's safe to say that they were definitely in a relationship at this point," Said the woman next to him. That wasn't true.
"Then, of course Katniss says he was her first kiss, and Finnick calls her his lover. No one is quite sure how long they were together, Anne, but I'd say they were very much in love."
Peeta was staring at me funny, like he didn't understand why I would want to watch this. I didn't. Not really, but it was like watching a train wreck. I couldn't tear my eyes away, or force myself to change the channel.
"He never called it what it was," I said partially to Peeta, partially to myself, but mostly to the television.
"Here is when Katniss announced their breakup at her Victory banquet. If you look closely, you can see that Finnick's eyes are still a little red, like he had been crying. In my opinion, Frank, they must've broken up earlier that same day." The woman, Anne, said. "I wish we could get an interview with either one of them to talk about their relationship, and the breakup and if they're re-"
Peeta took the remote from me and changed the channel. "I'm going to make you some hot chocolate."
I began to write on a napkin sitting on the coffee table, as lines for my poem began popping into my head. Peeta returned with two mugs.
"What's that?" he asked.
I shrugged. "It's just a poem. Part of my song. I had to write it down before I forgot it."
"Can I read it?" He asked. I shrugged.
"They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die"
Peeta looked at me as I took a sip of my hot chocolate. "That's great. Is there more?"
"Upstairs," I said.
"Can I read it?"
"Now?"
Peeta nodded.
"I don't know, it's kind of personal."
He frowned. "Oh. Then why are you planning on releasing it to all of Panem?"
I sighed. He had a point. I took the stairs two at a time and found my notebook waiting for me on my nightstand. I flipped to the page, the title written at the top.
'All Too Well - Finnick's Song.'
I felt my cheeks heat up in anticipation. "I started writing this a year ago as a love song about Finnick, but it kind of turned into this."
Peeta skimmed through the poem, occasionally reading a line outloud.
"Maybe we got lost in translation/Maybe I asked for too much/But maybe this thing was a masterpiece/'Til you tore it all up/Running scared/I was there/I remember it all too well," He read. Then he looked up at me. "This could be a bridge."
I nodded.
"Katniss, how did you even break up? It wasn't really his fault, right? It was Snow?"
I exhaled. "We broke up because of Snow, but the reason we don't talk at all anymore is his fault. When he broke up with me for show, he completely destroyed our friendship. He ignored me completely until I left for home, and he wouldn't explain anything. I was in a fragile state of mind, just getting out of the arena, and he wasn't there for me at all. He just left. Since then, he's apologized profusely through a letter, but I'm not sure I can forgive him yet."
Peeta didn't respond, but continued reading, which I was grateful for. "I like this verse," he said, pointing to the last verse I had written, what I hoped to be the last verse of the song. "'Cause in this city's barren cold/I still remember the first fall of snow/And how it glistened as it fell/I remember it all too well"
"The snow represents the end of our relationship," I said, my voice slightly hoarse. I cleared it. "Earlier I wrote about Autumn, while we're still together: 'Autumn leaves falling down/like pieces into place/and I can picture it after all these days," I recited. "Autumn represents the time where we were still together, but our ending is on the horizon. Like how Autumn has leaves falling off the trees, but it's still beautiful and it's not too cold yet, and there's still a bit of life, but it foreshadows winter. By the end of the song, it's talking about the first fall of snow. Plants don't live through snow. Snow represents death."
"That's deep," Peeta says, staring at me. We both visibly jump when the door swings open.
"I'm home!" Prim calls.
"Hey little duck!" I say, plastering a smile onto my face. "How was school?"
"Pretty good. Hi Peeta," she dropped her bag on the table and took off her shoes and jacket. Peeta waved.
"Hey, Prim, how about you sit down for a second." I said. Prim sat in a large armchair. I glanced at Peeta, not quite sure how to start. "Mom's getting married."
Prim grinned. "That's great! To who?"
"Peeta's dad."
Prim wrinkled her nose. "The baker?"
Peeta smiled.
"Yes. And she's moving in with him."
"When?"
"Tomorrow. Mom's already started moving her stuff out." I said.
Prim stared at me. "You're being serious?" I nodded. Prim kept on staring at me.
"You need to decide if you want to move in with her or stay here."
"Oh," Is all she said.
"You don't need to decide now. You're always welcome here and with mom."
"Okay." She said quietly.
Peeta stayed for dinner and even brought us some cheese buns he had in his house, and I cooked up a turkey. It was a Friday, so Haymitch came over, too. I was grateful for the presence of the two Victors. The house seemed too empty with just Prim and myself. I wasn't sure how Haymitch and Peeta survived in their huge houses alone.
I had just set dinner on the table when the phone rang. I picked it up, dreading what was to come.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hi, Katniss." I won't lie. Hearing Finnick's voice again set butterflies in my stomach, but it also seemed to start an anxiety attack. "Did you get my letter?"
"It came this morning." I was aware of how hoarse my voice sounded, and I was grateful when Prim brought me a glass of water.
"I don't think you understand just how sorry I am." He said. He sounded sorry. I could hear it in his voice.
"I understand perfectly. But I don't think you understand just how bad you hurt me. You abandoned me. I needed comfort, Finnick. I just left the arena and you left me with absolutely no explanation. Do you know how much that hurt?"
"No," he said. "I don't, but I can imagine. I feel terrible,"
"As you should," I cut him off.
"You're mad."
"Figure that out on your own, did you?" I was aware how icy I sounded. It even made me cringe. I don't know why I was pushing him away. I wanted him back. That's all I wanted for the past three months.
"Katniss, please, I'm trying to raise a flag of truce." The pain in his voice matched mine just hours before.
"Really? Because all you're doing is hurting me. You're breaking me like… like a promise,"
Peeta tossed something in my lap. My notebook, flipped open to a blank page with only one line written on it, in his handwriting.
You call me up again just to break me like a promise.
"Katniss, please. I need you. I think I love you." Finnick said. I couldn't believe he actually said that. I had been fantasizing about him saying those words for years, and now that he actually said them, I laughed.
"Bull," I spat at him. "If you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me the way you did."
"Katniss-"
"Call me when you're ready to love me for real." I hung up on him before I could regret my spiteful words.
Haymitch, who was already two glasses in, applauded me. "You handled that well."
I picked up my journal. "Go ahead and eat. I need a minute."
I walked slowly up the stairs and into my bedroom. I closed the door and slid down the wall. I stared at the line Peeta had written for me. The phrase I said to Finnick.
You call me up again just to break me like a promise.
I watched a tear splash onto the page, spreading the black ink out in a small circle so I could barely read the words written there. I grabbed a pen off my desk and returned to my spot on the floor as the rest of the words in the stanza appeared in my head.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all.
I was angry that he had the audacity to tell me he loved. I had hoped and prayed and dreamed he would say those words to me one day, and he waited until after we broke up to use them on me. He didn't even say them in his letter or start the phone call with them. He waited until I was about to hang up. He used them as a last resort. That told me he was lying. I remembered my train ride to the Capitol for my most recent games, wondering if he would say it that year.
And I was thinking on the ride down, any time now
He's gonna say it's love, you never called it what it was
'Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing it's the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame
I stood up and threw my journal on my bed, walking softly down the stairs. Sitting down at my seat at the table, I poured myself a glass of whatever beverage Haymitch was drinking, praying it was strong. I was disappointed to discover it was just white wine. Prim offered me the drumstick they had saved me, and I put it on my plate along with a cheese bun, which I tore into immediately.
I had downed two glasses by the end of the meal, and a third by the time we finished the cake Peeta baked us. Haymitch poured me a fourth. Peeta was eyeing my glass wearily, but it was Prim who took it out of my hand.
"Not today, Katniss," she told me.
"Why not?" I asked. It made me very upset that she took it away. I don't know why, but I felt tears spring into my eyes. "It tastes really good."
"You've had too much to drink," Peeta said. "I think it would be best if we left." He helped Haymitch, who had way more to drink then me, up out of his chair. Haymitch sighed grumpily, but offered me the rest of his glass, which I accepted.
"Put it down, Katniss," Peeta said.
"But I want it," I complained.
"If you're going to be like this, then I'm moving in with Mom," Prim warned. I put the glass down and stared at her.
"What?" I asked, hurt.
"You heard me, Katniss. I'm not going to deal with your drunken attitude."
I sighed and tried to stand up, but fell right back down in my chair. I wasn't used to this much alcohol. I had been clean for over a year. It's not something that was ever mentioned outside of my family and Haymitch, but I had a drinking problem when I was younger. Fourteen. Prim helped wean me off my addiction, and I had been clean for some time, until Finnick set me right back to where I was before.
I felt myself crying again. "Don't leave me, Prim. Everyone is always leaving me."
"You pushed Finnick away yourself," she told me, handing me a glass of water as Peeta dragged Haymitch out the door.
And I know it's long gone and
There was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to
…
It was December 24, Christmas Eve, when Finnick painted another scar on my heart. He was on the news, shown in a restaurant, with a girl about seventeen or eighteen across the table from him. She was clearly a Capitol girl, so I suppose I should have cut him some slack, since he was being blackmailed into going on that date, but I just felt angry. It was that day that I wrote the last lines in my song.
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
"I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age"
It felt good to take a swing at Finnick. I knew it wasn't fair, but it felt so good to get back at him with my words.
…
Finnick's POV
I listened to Katniss's new song as it played in the background. I sat there, across from Caesar. The song was ten minutes long, and it hurt me to hear the pain in her voice as she sang about me.
And there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath
Sacred prayer and we'd swear
To remember it all too well
As the song ended, Caesar turned to me. "So, Finnick, what do you think about the Girl on Fire's new song?"
I smiled. "It's really beautiful. You can tell that she's definitely telling a true story, just by the pain in her voice. There's so many raw emotions and feelings in this song. It's really great, Caesar."
"I think we can all agree with that. Now, Finnick, so many people are dying to know: Is this song about you?"
I sighed. "It's hard to say. There are some lines that really apply to our relationship, but then there's this, at the beginning: I left my scarf there/At your sister's house/And you've still got it in your drawer even now. During her first Victory Tour, she did leave a scarf at my fellow Victor's house, which I kept. But I don't have a sister, so I guess it could be a metaphor. I think there are a lot of those in here, like when she sings about Autumn and Winter, because our relationship ended back in August. Or when she says: You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes/Sipping coffee like you're on a late night show/He who watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come/And he said 'It's supposed to be fun, turning twenty-one.' Obviously, Katniss isn't twenty-one yet, but I think the idea behind turning twenty-one is freedom, right? And she doesn't have a dad, like many of you know, so I never met him. I can't explain a lot of her metaphors, but overall? Yes. I think it is about me."
…
I had been dreading this day for the entirety of the five and a half months that I'd been out of the arena. In past years, the Victory Tour was a highlight. It was an opportunity to see Finnick or one of the other mentors who had victors of their own. But today was the day I had to go to District 4. I had to look at Finnick and see the pain in his eyes, reflecting my own. I would have to listen to him pleading with me, but I couldn't just be friends with him. We were both hurt, and neither of us could afford to risk Snow's wrath.
When I got off the train at the Justice Building and saw the victors and their families assembled before me, I avoided looking at the Odairs. I hugged Britt and Mags, who I knew well, but standing next to them was an elderly woman, Adella, one of the first ever victors. She stood next to a blonde woman, who I assumed to be her daughter, and next to her were a small herd of boys. Finnick's brothers, I knew. Caspian, Solomon, and Killian. I had met them when I was twelve, but they were all much older now. Caspian was probably eighteen or nineteen, Solomon would be sixteen, and Killian would have to be about fourteen at this point.
And standing with his arm resting casually on his youngest brother's head to annoy him, was Finnick Odair.
I couldn't help myself. Despite all the hurt that I felt just moments before, as soon as I looked into his eyes, I felt inexplicable joy. Finnick didn't smile at me like he always did, which I suppose was partially my fault.
"Hi, Finnick," I said shyly. "I'm glad to see you're home."
"Hello Katniss. I'm glad to see we're on speaking terms." He said in a monotonous voice.
"Finnick, I'm really sorry." I admitted as I watched Haymitch and Peeta gain the attention of the other victors, until the only people paying attention to me were Finnick and Caspian.
"For what?" He asked. At first I thought he was being sincere, until I heard his next words. "None of it could possibly be your fault, right? It's all my fault."
Caspian continued staring at me, not speaking, which was just as unnerving as Finnick's icy tone.
"And what about your cute little song? Every single word of it was accusing me."
"That's not true. Most of it is about my pain."
"Your pain inflicted by me."
"Well, yeah. It's a break-up song. Think of it as a goodbye letter of sorts." I defended.
He ran a hand through his hair. "Did you ever think about how it might hurt me?"
I scoffed. "How could it hurt you?"
"Snow is not impressed with me. That's the only reason I'm home right now."
I felt fear rush through me, and lowered my voice. "What do you mean?"
"Clients are disgusted with me. They're mad at me, not only for breaking your heart, but that song didn't depict me in a good light. It's about how I break promises and have a thing for teenage girls. How do you think that went over with the Capitol?" He explained. I watched his brother grasp his elbow, and Finnick glanced at him, visibly calming down.
I waited for their silent exchange to end. "That's good, isn't it? You got to leave early."
"No, it's not, Katniss. I wasn't there just for me."
"What are you talking about?" I asked. He opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Effie clapped her hands.
"Alright people, The victors are on in five! Places!"
I sent one more glance in his direction, trying to convey to him that this conversation was not over, before following Effie inside.
…
Lyrics to All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) by Taylor Swift
I walked through the door with you
The air was cold
But something about it felt like home somehow
And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you've still got it in your drawer even now
Oh, your sweet disposition
And my wide-eyed gaze
We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all
'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well
Photo album on the counter
Your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team
You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me
And you were tossing me the car keys
"F**k the patriarchy"
Keychain on the ground
We were always skipping town
And I was thinking on the drive down anytime now
You're gonna say it's love
You never called it what it was
'Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing
It's the same after three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to
As I reached for you but all I felt was shame
And you held my lifeless frame
And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to
'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well
And here we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath
Sacred prayer, and we'd swear
To remember it all too well, yeah
And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all
They say "all's well that ends well"
But I'm in a new hell every time
You double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age
maybe it would've been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel
Whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That's what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you're on a late night show
He who watched me watch the front door all night willing you to come
And he said "it's supposed to be fun, turning twenty-one"
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I'd like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week
'Cause it reminds you of innocence
And it smells like me
You can't get rid of it
'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah
'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
And I was never good at telling jokes but the punchline goes
I get older, but your lovers stay my age
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue
Just between us did the love affair main you
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well?
Just between us, do you remember it all too well?
Just between us, I remember it (Just between us) all too well
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there (I was there)
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there (Oh)
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there (I was there)
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it (All too well)
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
Wind in my hair, I was there, I was there
Down the stairs, I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer, I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it