She can't keep her eyes off of him - or her hands. It's like they crossed the invisible line and she can't go back now. Not that she wants to.

The boys hurried off to the precinct, left them alone wiggling their eyebrows suggestively. Not even her glare could wipe the grin off of their faces (or hers).

They've seen how miserable she was after he left, how hard it hit her when it dawned on her that he won't come back, every excuse she could come up with exhausted. Pitied her every time he was in the papers with his second ex-wife/publisher/girlfriend, celebrated with her when things between Castle and Gina ended, hoping that maybe he'll come back now, even though she was already with Josh.

And when he proposed out of the blue she accepted on a whim, telling herself it had nothing to do with Castle throwing her off balance again. He had been in the papers that day, making gooey eyes with Ellie Monroe - of all people!-, headlines that she might be Mrs. Castle #3 soon. Ugh, Ellie Monroe. She secretly blamed her for all the mess they made, or she likes to blame her, but she knows that it's Castle's and her own fault for being brave enough to confess their feelings, to see whatever is between them.

But instead, she ran from her heartbreak straight into Josh's ring. Looking back he probably wasn't serious, he didn't even have a ring at that time, and they only dated for four months, but nevertheless, it wasn't fair to Josh that she did while being clearly in love with someone else, no matter how hard she tried to suppress that feeling.

Having him back in her life with full force – and like this –, makes her dizzy. Happily dizzy. That kind of dizziness you feel when you dance too much or drink too much champagne.

She sets the plates with their pancakes on the counter, puts their coffee next to it, and falls - carefully - into him for another kiss. Can't help it, it's like an invisible force calls her to his body, to his mouth. But he only answers languidly, pulls away fast, and sighs.

"I'm sorry. I … I can't," he says, not meeting her eyes, pulling the rug out from under her with these few words, leaving her cold and lonely standing awkwardly next to him. He can't? What about the kiss they shared mere moments ago when the boys were still present? Was he just humoring her? What's happening?

"Are you in pain?" she tries, not ready to give in to her fears, to give them up once again because she's too scared.

"No. Do you know when Montgomery will have the press conference and announce that we're still living?" She feels whiplashed. What? Why is he suddenly caring about that? Her heart aches at his indifference. What's going on with him?

"I … No. Probably soon, I guess." She frowns, trying to ignore the pain in her heart. She didn't make this up, did she? He was happy, he liked kissing her, didn't he? Why is he suddenly making a one-eighty? Treating her like he couldn't care less that she's here at all? He never acted like that before around her. And yes, they haven't seen each other for almost two years and a lot has happened, especially for him like Martha told her only yesterday. He basically lost everything, lost his family, lost his friends, lost his job. But still … why is he suddenly acting so cold?

"Aren't you hungry?" he suddenly asks with a raised eyebrow and fork with pancake dripping with syrup on the way to his mouth, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"I … Uh, yes. Yes, I am." She shakes her head slightly, trying to clear her thoughts like water from her ear and eating the already cooling pancakes she freshly made for them which feels like a lifetime ago. "How's your arm? And your ribs?"

"Fine," he grumbles, and his reaction makes her heart sink; he's never been so gruff with her before. Did she do something? Wearily, he brushes over his forehead, sighs before adding: "It annoys me. Every movement hurts, my skin is itching under the cast, my ribs are aching with every breath."

"I'm sorry," she says, feeling sorry for him, feeling guilty that she's the reason for his injuries, but also delighted that he decided to tell her more, be honest with her.

He huffs faintly before pushes the only half-eaten plate away and slides cautiously from the stool, nods to his office. "There's something I need to take care of." He grabs the phone from the counter, carefully holding his ribs as he ventures to the office.

The office, where he keeps his alcohol.

She props her elbows up, lets her head fall onto her hands, and suppresses a groan. Her head hurts and spins, but her heart hurts more, the fear that she loses him to an addiction like she almost lost her father too much for her to deal with right now.

What is she supposed to do? She finally accepts her feelings for him, decides to act on them despite her fears, despite her brokenness only to find out that he became an addict in the meantime? What a bitter irony.

She hears the clinking of glasses and her heart sinks, tears well up in her eyes. No, she can't deal with that right now. They have a case they need to work, they have to be vigilant from the moment Montgomery holds the press conference because someone could come after her and Castle. She has no time to worry about his addiction. She has no energy, no fight left in her to tackle this right now.

Now all she wants to do is cry alone in the shower and dream about what might have been if she had found the courage years ago to be honest with herself and give in to his flirtation, ask him out on another date after the fiasco with Ellie Monroe or simply not start anything with Demming, when all the time she was thinking about Castle.

How different would her life be now? Would they have been together for two years now? Or would they have broken up anyway? Would a longer relationship be what Castle wanted? In the time she'd known him, he'd never had one, and the last one she'd heard of, with his ex-wife, had only lasted six months.

Maybe it would've never worked. Maybe because of him. Maybe because of her and her stupid wall to keep everyone outside to not getting hurt. Everyone apart from him obviously, because it hurts damn much right now.

She allows herself fifteen minutes of weakness, crying while she washes away the grime of the BURLESQUEAN and the Hudson, she was too tired to do it yesterday, quickly doing some makeup to hide the redness of her eyes and stepping into her Detective Beckett armor before she hurries down again to face the day.

The door to his office is still open, so she takes a deep breath to prepare herself for whatever awaits her on the other side and steps through it. Castle is sitting in his chair at his desk, the phone on his ear, a tumbler with ice cubes and transparent liquid pressed against his forehead, holding onto it like a lifeline. Damn. It's bad, isn't it?

"No, yesterday just showed me that this is not what I'm looking for. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, of course, I'll still support your agency. I promised right?" He chuckles, but it doesn't sound like him, she can hear an underlying tone of bitterness in his voice. Who is he talking to? Support with their agency? Her heartbeat quickens, is he breaking up with Mandy? This is not what I'm looking for. Hasn't she said something like that to Demming? Wait, he's breaking up with his girlfriend and all she cares about is if he still supports her with her agency? Oh, Castle. No wonder, he looks so beaten. Right then, he throws the phone on the desk and downs the last of his drink, bowing down to retrieve a midnight blue, elegant bottle and pours himself another glass, another full glass.

"Is it stupid that it keeps surprising me that they all just use me? I thought that maybe she really liked me. I thought she'd be happier about me coming back from the dead – even though I only called to break up with her – but no, all she cared about were my connections and my money for her agency." He doesn't look at her, but of course, he knows that she's there and the shuddering exhale he makes almost breaks her heart. Oh, Castle. Has it been like this since he and Gina broke up? Has everybody only used him?

"Come here," he coaxes with a small smile and she follows without thinking, drops into the chair that sits on the other side of his desk. He produces another glass from one of his drawers, throws in some cubes from a tiny container on his desk, and pours her a glass. "Here, you need it as much as I do."

"Wait, not so much!" she calls out as he fills the glass, giving her a quizzical, confused look. Does he seriously think she's going to get drunk with him before noon when they have to be so on alert? He takes another gulp from his glass while she doesn't touch hers, and he slightly shakes his head in – what? disbelief? Disappointment? What is he expecting her to do? Anger wells up in her but she swallows it down again.

He sighs. "Do you know why I came to the club a few days ago?" She denies softly, watching him cool his forehead on his drink again.

"Do you need another pill?"

"No, it's fine. I only need to drink this, then I'll be better." She huffs and he sends her another funny look, his eyebrows knitted together, but he doesn't comment. "Marty called. I went to college with him. He and our old clique was meeting, he said they talked about me and were inviting me to join them. I already had a sinking feeling that it wasn't about me being invited rather me inviting them, but I tried to be hopeful. Yeah, well. My fears were right, I knew the moment I arrived at the club and saw the mile-long line of people waiting to get in. Despite everything, I'm still a VIP. I got in immediately and they with me. Marty didn't even remember Alexis' name."

"I'm sorry, Castle." He sighs, points to her glass.

"Come on, drink up, we have a case to solve." He takes a big gulp, almost empties the whole glass without a wince, alarming her more and that's enough for her.

"What's wrong with you?!" She shoots up from her chair, slamming her hands on the desk with a loud thud, making him wince and she herself winces at the pain that shoots into her head. He notices, of course, and pushes the glass closer to her. "It might be okay for you to drink before noon as your coping mechanism. But I'm a cop and I'm on duty!"

He startles at her words, looks at her dumbfounded, before he rises as well – cautiously, pressing one arm against his side as she witnesses – but then he beams with anger, staring deathly. "What are you saying, Detective?" He spats her title as if were something disgusting, making her heart contract at his anger, and the thought that he'd never treated her like that ever before. "Are you accusing me of being a drunk?" He huffs when she just raises a challenging eyebrow, his tone sharp as ice when he speaks again. "You're not even back in my life for twenty-four hours and already you're judging me again based on what you think is the truth."

"Based on evidence," she corrects him, holding on to the edge of the desk with shaking fingers to suppress her hurt, her anger.

"Evidence?" he laughs mirthlessly, swivels the liquid in his glass raised in her direction, and downs it without a wince, his challenging gaze never leaving her. Her heart hammers hard in her chest, trying to escape the pain this scene causes her, tears burning in her eyes. What happened to him?

"You were so drunk in the club I was scared that you could still walk on your own when you left," he look at her surprised as if he didn't think that she'd notice him, oh, stupid man, of course, she would, "and yesterday…"

"I had my reasons! I had a really shitty day and after Marty's call, it only got even more shittier. But I wasn't drunk yesterday!"

"No, you weren't," she relents with a sigh, "but you were agitated, jittery, impatient and you snapped at us. When you came back tonight, you smelled like alcohol. And this morning when the boys left, you suddenly changed completely and couldn't get in your office fast enough to pour you a drink!"

"I couldn't get fast enough away from you!" he screams at her and she winces as if he slapped her right in the face, could've as well the way it hurts. He couldn't get fast enough away from her? He … How could she have been so wrong? "I couldn't stand being so close to you, smelling you …" He trails off, flaps unthinkingly on his couch behind her, whines and groans at the pain that must be surging through his body, before he drops his head in his hands and she has to hold onto the desk to keep herself from hurrying over to him. To comfort him even though he just broke her heart multiple times.

"I'm sorry, Kate," he then says and looks at her again. "That's not at all what I wanted to say. I couldn't stand being so close to you and not being able to kiss you or touch you, especially when you wanted to, because I still had a girlfriend, no matter how shallow the relationship was. I'm not a cheater, Kate. Well … at least not physically. Because you're all I ever wanted since the moment I met you. But I couldn't have you, so … yeah. I hurried to my office to break up with her, because I wanted to be able to finally kiss you, to touch you, to love you like I wanted to for four years." Her heart beats faster at his words, the broken pieces melting together again. But oh, she can't. Not when he's so broken. She can't go through with it again, can't watch him fight with the addiction–

"I had a shitty year, Kate. But I'm not an addict," he pulls her out of her thoughts as if he knew once again exactly what she was thinking. "I'm not going to deny that I didn't drink. A lot. Because I did. My relationship with Gina crumbled pretty fast, we were falling back into old patterns, and that I didn't write, that I didn't even have an idea was killing every last bit of personal relationship we had. I thought about going back to the precinct but then I read about your engagement and yeah, well, I just couldn't. Alexis fell in love with Ashley, and when he went to Stanford last autumn, she decided to apply for early admission, got accepted and left. I couldn't fault her for leaving, I was miserable, I was brooding, I was moping, mourning the loss of my inspiration. Mother couldn't take it any longer and moved out as well, her acting school was brimming. And after that, Black Pawn sued first, and won of course, and dropped me in the process. Then Paula sued me for whatever and dropped me as well. It seemed like everybody was only ever interested in mystery novelist and multimillionaire Rick Castle, the moment I stopped being that, they all lost interest in me." He clings to the empty glass as if it the only thing keeping him upright, and it made her stomach churn.

"Castle …" She heard rumors about that on the fansites but the way he tells her breaks her heart. How lonely, how devastated he must've been. And she feels guilty because she knows that the boys never contacted him again or even ignored his attempts out of loyalty to her, even though she knew how much they missed him as well.

"I just received the letter that Paula officially dumped me that evening and was celebrating the end of my life as I knew it. I gave up hope that I'd ever be Rick Castle, master of the macabre, again. And then Marty called and proved to me that I'm nothing without my career and my money. So, yeah, I drank. And then there was this dancer on the stage that reminded me so much of you, of everything I lost and could never get back that I drank some more. But she also inspired the hell out of me, like you always managed to do, so I came home and wrote the whole night, passed out on my computer for a few hours, and then wrote until the evening, drank some coffee, ate a bit, and wrote the next night away.

"I was living on coffee and energy drinks until I came back to the club, to get some last details right, and burst the bubbly that kept me in a trance, only to find you. So yeah, I was jittery and impatient and later I was snappy because I haven't slept in days, someone tried to kill us, I couldn't for the sake of god wrap my head around everything that happened, and I was really in a lot of pain. And yes, Giorgio gave me a drink before I left because having my arm fixed without being under general anesthetic was the worst idea I ever had and he probably thought I'd pass out any moment. It might not have been the best idea to mix it with the heavy painkiller his doc gave me, because I just felt out of it, but yeah, it helped me get home.

"I turned bitter and resentful in the past year, because I'm over being used and there's a lot that I regret. But I'm not a drinker, Kate. Even though we haven't talked in almost two years, you've been on my mind every day and I never wanted you to think that that's what I've become. I could never do this to you, not after what you went through with your dead. I never stopped loving you." He says it like it's a burden, cautiously rises from the couch, puts his glass down next to hers, takes her still full glass, and presses it softly into her hand without meeting her eyes.

"Drink your water, Kate. You need to stay hydrated solving this case." His weary words pull the rug from under her, leaving her staring at him in absolute horror. Water? Oh, god, no please. But it all makes sense. His funny looks when she stopped him to pull her a full glass of water, or huffed when he said he only needed to drink this and he'll be better. Of course, it would help. He's probably dehydrated when he only drank water and energy drinks. The way he kept a straight face while drinking because there was no burn of the alcohol, it was only water. And she accused him without even asking. Gosh, she's not one bit better than the rest.

"Castle …" she starts, but has no idea how to apologize, how to make it right again between them, and he takes a step back, still avoiding her gaze.

"I'm going to take a shower. But … yeah … It's … uh, probably gonna take a while with this thing." He awkwardly raises his cast. "Just – Yeah, don't wait for me if something happens. I called a private security firm I trust while I waited for Mandy to call me back. They'll probably be here any minute, watching the building, the roof and every entry. And they'll follow you wherever you go. I know–" he holds up his hand, as if he senses that she wants to protest, wants to tell him that she doesn't need this. "I know, you're armed, you're trained, you're strong and badass, you don't need protection. But just consider it please, that's all I ask."

"I won't be leaving without you," is all she says then, watching him slightly nod and leave for his bedroom. Leaving her behind, mortified, feeling guilty and ashamed and like she just ruined their relationship before it began.

A/N: Took me a while to update because life's pretty busy right now and maybe three open stories were a bit too much, haha. But I enjoy every review I get, it keeps me going. So thank you :) What do you think of this chapter? Let me know