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Covenant
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Synopsis: In a harmonious world, who takes the blame?
What sins are punished and who decides?
Does vengeance leave with the last of its enemies?
As society rebuilds itself, Sakura learns some things can't be restored.
Not all beginnings start anew—not every ending brings closure.
And sometimes, peace isn't always that peaceful.
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3:4. A Family
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SAKURA'S DAYS fell back into routine faster than anticipated. She woke early. Went to the hospital. Worked until enough was done that she wouldn't feel guilty for leaving. Trekked to the dungeons for her daily visit with Sasuke. Ported to the training grounds to relieve her frustration of seeing him caged, of his continued refusal to unblock the seal, of the fact that having him home didn't make her feel any better like she'd thought it would.
She ate enough not to lose weight, and accepted invitations for meals to not cause suspicion, and went to see Ino so the woman wouldn't fret.
She did everything she should have.
But there were still shadows in the sunny streets. Blood on her clean hands. Screams in the empty forests. Between her sheets lived nightmares that clung to her miles away from the small, warm apartment they possessed.
A mannequin going through motions—putting on a smile for patients and an I'm Fine expression for friends. That's what Sakura felt like again now that she'd overcome the trial of getting into Sasuke's cell. Like she was living a mission that should've ended months ago, but hadn't. One that constantly demanded she be present and doing things and not sinking into the utter pointlessness of this painful peace.
Nothing had changed. Nothing was better.
How often that thought came to her through the routine was getting tiring. Simply living made it impossible to forget. All of it was so exhausting outside of the few moments she got with Sasuke, walled in together in quiet protection, far beneath the bustling city filled with unrealized expectations.
Together with Sasuke, it almost felt like they'd truly won. Like they were Academy kids again, passing the time bickering and chatting as she stole glances. Like they were normal people, having a normal relationship, simply spending some time together. Enjoying one another's company like they might've been able to in a different time—in a different world.
There, in the dungeons, Sakura almost felt like she could breathe.
But their interactions were never quite as close as she wished they were. Never quite as normal as they pretended it was. She could never stay quite as long as she wanted to.
There were responsibilities to fulfill and people to not worry, after all. Injured bodies to heal, those already gone to break the news for. Reports to write on the hospital's expansion, medical advances she made during the war, and the progress of the new medics-in-training. Waiting for her were patients to save, tears to wipe away, and life's eternal meaninglessness to swallow.
The world kept turning precisely as it always had. And Sakura, somehow, even when she should've finally felt different, was still turning right along with it.
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Four shinobi were crowded around a small table in the back corner of a restaurant. An older Nara man, a teenaged Hyuuga girl, a medic-in-training from the hospital, and one of the Hokage Tower's assistants. A strange bunch—although no one in the shop seemed to think anything of it.
This location was in a civilian neighborhood of Konoha, not regularly frequented by ninja during afternoon hours. The small number eating around them probably didn't know who these shinobi were.
But even civilians would've recognized Shikamaru Nara, Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, and the Hokage.
Eyeing Naruto with disdain, Sakura contemplated, for the eighth time since sitting down, whether she ought to comment on his transformation choice. There were dozens upon dozens of male Hyuugas he could've picked. The same number of age-appropriate Hyuuga kunoichi, too, if he had to choose a woman—which he absolutely did not.
Years later and his shishou's vile influence hadn't worn off in the slightest.
Lips downturned, wrinkles creasing across his cheeks, the older Nara man poked at his plate. "Now that we're actually here, I'm wondering if we should be doing this."
"Kakashi's with us. It's fine," said the girl.
Despite the confident assertion, all three jonin glanced at the Hokage Tower assistant for confirmation.
He merely shrugged. "How will anyone know?"
"So we shouldn't be doing this."
"This is only a normal, friendly," the Hyuuga broke apart her chopsticks, "casual Team meeting. Since when did you care so much about the rules, anyway, Shikamaru?"
"I think a legal proceeding is slightly more serious than a rule, Naruto."
Naruto pointed at the assistant with his chopsticks. "Kakashi said it's fine."
"Put those down. It's rude to point like that," Shikamaru reprimanded. "And stop being so loud when you're saying our names. The Hokage didn't say it was fine—you did. It'll be trouble if someone finds out we're trying to coordinate testimony."
"We don't need to coordinate. We're only figuring out what everyone plans to say," the medic-in-training reasoned, sensing Shikamaru's desire to leave. "Regardless, we all had different interactions with Sasuke. It'd be impossible to coordinate a single, cohesive story."
Nodding, Naruto spoke through bites. "Right! What Sakura said. This is totally different from coordinating. Chill out, Shikamaru."
Before Shikamaru could retaliate, Kakashi cleared his throat. His three subordinates' mouths snapped shut, backs straightening in their seats, gazes falling to the table.
"Let's stop bickering and get to it. We've all agreed we want the same thing. Now's not the time for infighting."
As his words settled in, two parties at the table slowly began picking at their food. The third was already shoveling.
After letting a minute pass, Kakashi continued, "I'll start, then. I plan on confirming the original agreement, discussing my involvement as Sakura's handler and the veracity of Sasuke's intel in their work together, and going over what I can about his continued cooperation while the Allies were in hiding. Even though I had no direct conversations with him after the last battle in Lightning, Pakkun had extensive contact with Aoda in the eight months after. I should be allowed to testify on my summon's behalf."
"What sort of extensive contact, exactly?" asked Sakura.
"Extensive might be the wrong way to word it. But through Aoda, Sasuke did tip Pakkun off to Madara's raids and areas his men were searching in the first few months. That form of communication lessened after Sasuke started meeting with Shikamaru directly."
"Oh!" Naruto's mouth was full. Sakura grimaced and looked away as a chewed noodle flew onto the table. "So that's how we kept ahead of those search parties!"
The Hokage nodded. "He also kept us updated on the movements of Madara and his generals."
A smile was bubbling up her throat. She could barely keep it down. Every time Sakura heard proof of Sasuke's adherence to the agreement during those times she'd thought he'd abandoned her, something warm and unstoppable swelled in her chest.
Trying to push along the conversation before they noticed her twitching face, Sakura prompted, "What about you, Naruto?"
"Uhh… Well, outside of battle, I didn't see Sasuke during the war except that one time after Madara's second lockdown. But I've seen him a lot since he's come back! I can talk up how he's all about Konoha winning now, whatever that means. Guess I'll say it's like he wants us to be stable. And I can bring up good stuff from when we were genin, leaving out the parts when he was being a bastard…"
Suddenly laughing, Naruto turned to her. "Remember when we had to clean that old lady's yard and all he did was sit on the porch and yell at us, Sakura?"
"He was yelling at you for playing around with her trash. And it was hot that day." Her sights shifted sideways. "He said he wasn't feeling well."
"Wasn't feeling well, my ass! He just didn't want to help. You used to always let him get away with everything."
"I did not. That one time we were helping at that farm, I—"
"Alright, reign it back in, you two," Kakashi interrupted. Sakura aimed her narrowed vision at Naruto, who was smirking as if he'd won. "Let's stay on topic. Sakura and I don't have much time before we have to get back to work. You're up, Shikamaru. What'll you testify to?"
"I'll start with the fact he had Orochimaru smuggle Ino out, although the Council probably doesn't like that he didn't help the other prisoners escape. He also gave me status updates on Madara, Sakura, and any other specific captive I inquired about. He provided movement reports, the layout of Hidan's base in Earth, numbers of troops and frequent routes Madara's men used. He detailed his strategy discussions with Madara and potential bases we could counterattack, if needed."
Shikamaru tilted his head in thought. "I'll end with how he orchestrated the plan that won us the war. Without him, we were done for after Lightning, and I'll say as much… But I don't have much beyond that. He was an asshole in most of our meetings." Smirking, he caught Naruto's eye. "I guess I'll also leave that out."
"You can talk about our genin days, too," suggested Naruto. "You knew him back then."
"Hardly. I don't really know him now, either."
"It's still more than the other Council members know him," Sakura pointed out.
"Sure, that's true. Honestly, though, the Council already knows most of what I'll say. I had to make a report on my involvement with Sasuke when I took my Council seat, since the indictment vote was set to take place."
The exchange died when Naruto called the waiter over a moment later for a second serving of ramen.
Pushing her stir fry around, Sakura considered how to handle her time to divulge in the hush. What did she plan to say in front of the Council? How much should she tell them? How much could she share here, between friends?
It was Naruto's idea to meet and talk about testimony. He'd visited the hospital earlier wondering if she could come during her lunch break. But with the way the three men—or rather, two men and a teenage girl—were stealing glances at her in the silence, she was coming to the realization that they might've planned this meeting together. For this.
For her.
The men gave only vague summaries of their planned statements; probably because they only had vague, limited interactions with Sasuke.
She, on the other hand—
"You didn't write anything bad in that report, did you?" A fresh bowl steamed up into Naruto's face.
Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "There's nothing I could've written that would make Sasuke look any worse than he made himself look these past ten years." Sliding his half-eaten plate away, he leaned back in his chair. "And I think we can all agree that Sakura's story will matter most."
"Yeah. You did spend the most time with him, Sakura," Naruto concurred quickly. Too quickly.
"They're going to grill you," added Kakashi. "Are you ready for that?"
How fast they all seemed to fall in line together confirmed her suspicions. It'd never been about their testimony.
And she didn't know the answer to her sensei's question. No was probably the only genuine reply, but that wasn't what these three were here for. It wasn't the answer that Sasuke needed from her.
So she wouldn't say it. "I have to be."
"You haven't talked about what happened while you were a captive yet, have you?" Kakashi gently queried.
Who would've wanted to listen to it all? Who was whole enough anymore to handle those fragmented pieces of her with the care she'd need to open up?
When people asked how she was doing, what they wanted was an affirmation that she was fine. That everything was going well, and things were better, and she was still the strong commander they'd relied on in the war. Still the friend they knew and the kunoichi they trusted.
They weren't asking about her headache from crying for an hour at the War Memorial. They didn't really want to hear how she'd only slept two hours before a hard stake on her back and fire crawling up her legs shocked her awake. They didn't want to learn how many times a bone can be broken without any long-term effects or the number of whippings a body can take.
They wouldn't understand the feeling of hundreds of shinobi's chakra disappearing under Lady Katsuyu's protection in a single second, even if she tried to explain it.
Wouldn't get what it meant to know their silence would end someone's life. To see friends fall with all the power to save them and no ability to do so. To take the life of a loved one begging them for it. To watch a teammate be tortured and beheaded for their sake. To have the man they love kill their shishou.
Even if they truly cared to know, what good would sharing that have been? It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't ease the pain of what had already birthed itself into the universe.
"...No."
"That's okay." Kakashi patted her clenched hands on the table. "It might be easier if your first time saying it wasn't in court. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, you can tell us! We can help you figure out the best parts," said Naruto.
She knew he was only trying to help. Naruto only ever tried to help. Even knowing so, however, couldn't stop the bitterness from overtaking her gut. He was so infuriatingly naive sometimes.
No best parts existed.
There was bearable and there was hell. And the bearable parts were hers and hers alone. She would give every part of the torture and misery to the Council if she must, but she wouldn't give them what Sasuke had given only to her.
Kakashi swiftly patted her head instead. "If it's too difficult, you don't have to. You still have a week before the trial starts to prepare yourself."
"You'll have to tell them whether you're prepared or not," Shikamaru advised, tone steely. "The Council won't care. If you can't say it now, you won't be able to in a week."
"Hey—back off," Naruto growled.
"N-no, he's right. You're right, Shikamaru." A week wasn't enough time to find the strength to do this. She'd had more than a week, though; eight months had passed, and she still wasn't ready. The reality was that no matter how long she got, that broken part would stay as shattered and painful as the day it first smashed. And if she didn't force herself to do this, she'd let Sasuke down. After all he'd done for her, for the Allies, that simply wasn't an option. "Just—give me a second to get myself together."
They waited. Naruto finished off his second serving and called for a third. Shikamaru pulled his plate back and poked at it again. Kakashi patiently watched the other patrons in the restaurant.
And a few minutes later, Sakura took a deep breath and started from the beginning. With the covenant seal.
In her transformation, it wasn't there to show, but she explained how she wore makeup to hide it since coming back to Konoha. When she listed off the pacts in her seal and Sasuke's, Naruto and Shikamaru were clearly shaken. More so when she told them they could communicate through it. But the men said nothing.
And they continued saying nothing while she went over all the intelligence Sasuke gave her once the agreement commenced. How he'd sent Suigetsu to help her in Sangosho, and helped her himself in Iwa when she'd called a late retreat.
There was so much to share. Once she started, it was pouring out of her like a burst dam. She wasn't sure if she was even going in order after the first few sentences.
How he'd helped train her when she was stationed in Lightning. His safeguarding when she was stuck in the lockdown. The food, shelter, and protection he provided when she ported to his base in Kiri.
At times, it was hard to pull apart the parts meant for her and what they needed to know from that first year. Thrice she stuttered over her words, backtracking on a story, careful not to give too much.
She guarded when Sasuke's hands and lips had grazed over hers. Kept quiet about the location of their training together. Never mentioned how he could pull them into their seal, or the flowers on his wall, or the way he preferred not wearing a shirt in his own space.
As she got to her captivity, it was a bit easier to separate. Her mind had already separated much of it subconsciously. He'd helped her maintain her composure through the torture. Eased the pain of it when he could. Allowed her to heal herself whenever it was possible.
He hadn't touched her like Madara wanted him to without her consent. He hid her away from him and his army most of the time. He'd gotten Ino out the night she demanded it, giving up his shishou in the process. He procured her soldier pills without her asking. He kept her alive through whatever means necessary—even getting tortured himself at times, when her silence was too much for Madara to take.
Some of it sounded like excuses, even to her own ears. She could see the scrutiny in Shikamaru's eyes when she spoke about the executions and Sasuke's chakra keeping her calm through it. Watched Kakashi stiffen when she glossed over Sasuke putting marks on her to make Madara believe he'd followed orders. Felt Naruto waiting for her to come out and confirm the extent of the relationship she'd fostered with Sasuke over the past two years.
But the details of those things were hers; the warmth of Sasuke's arms when he held her, the red of his sharingan when they kissed.
That he liked to read before bed—he always slept closest to the door—how talkative he was when he slid inside her. Itachi's resurrection, his minions' Izanami, the tears he'd shed when he swore not to forgive her. The promise he made to let her go. She gave the rest; these parts, at least, she would save.
By the time she finished, Naruto was finishing his third bowl and a whole new set of patrons filled the restaurant.
"That's…pretty much it," she concluded, mouth slightly dry.
Now that it was over, she could admit it wasn't as impossible as she'd made it out to be. Sharing. Talking about it. The difficult part was starting.
Kakashi hummed. "There's nothing else?"
"I don't think so. Some of it's kind of hard for me to remember, so…"
"Reports say he was forcing you to have sex, but you didn't mention anything about—ow!" Shikamaru reached under the table. "What the hell, Naruto?"
"She said that's it!"
"You won't get to kick the Council when they ask her something you don't like, moron. I don't care about their sex life, nor do I really care to hear. But they're definitely going to wonder where those briefings came from if she doesn't mention anything about it."
"I did mention it," Sakura argued. "I said that I let Sasuke put marks on me to make Madara think he'd done it."
"And nothing else happened?" Shikamaru prodded.
Rather than lie, Sakura shrugged. "Isn't that enough?"
"No one really cares if you two had sex, Sakura. They care if it was forced, and if he was using it to get things out of you. He's charged with sexual slavery."
"Well, it wasn't. Forced, I mean," Sakura mumbled, cheeks growing hot. Her gaze landed somewhere on the table where she couldn't see the expressions on her teammate's and sensei's faces. "...At least, not by him."
"Wait! What does that mean?!" Naruto shouted, a grin in the question. "Sakura, did you—"
"Shut up! Whatever you're about to say, no, that's not what happened. It's just—with the seal—regardless, no he didn't force me. And he didn't get anything out of it. If anything, I probably got—" Teenage-girl-Naruto leaned forward. Sakura shot him a glare. "Nevermind. Yeah, we had sex. Okay? And in his words, it was just sex. Madara got no information or benefit from it and neither did Sasuke. End of story."
"Okay. That wasn't so hard, was it?" Her glare slid to Shikamaru. "Just say that when you're in front of the Council. They won't believe it was only marks the whole time with all the reports, coupled with the fact the man gave up his pardon in order to get you out quicker. I'll be testifying to that point, so there's no use in hiding it."
She felt the lashing out coming faster than she could stop it. "Fine. I'll tell a whole room of people I despise all about all the super hot, super consensual sex we had in a dirty tent. That won't be hard, will it? Should I tell them about the shower sex, too? And the time we were at a river bathing and we—"
A small, female hand slapped over her mouth. "Ahhh, Sakura, gross! Stop!"
"I didn't say you needed to share all that," chided Shikamaru. "I'm only bringing it up in order to help your case and Sasuke's. You don't have to go over the details, but you will have to mention it, at least."
Sakura shoved Naruto's arm aside, a retort on her lips.
But Kakashi interjected before she could let it loose. "I think this is an opportune place for us to stop. We've got a good idea about what our testimonies will be, and a week to fix what needs fixing. And I, for one, need to get back to the Hokage Tower." He smiled at the three jonin at the table. "If we think we need this again, we can set a time in three days when Naruto's back in town. How about it?"
"Yeah, this ran longer than I thought it would," said Naruto. "I gotta head out to Kumo before it gets too late. B's expecting me."
"I'm good, sensei," Sakura answered after, tugging the recipe for soldier pills forward in her mind to calm the race of her blood. Knowing the offer for another meeting was only for her benefit. "I'll work on how to talk about that by myself. I got it. Don't worry." Taking a deep breath, she added, "Sorry, Shikamaru."
"You don't need to apologize. I know it's harder for you than for us."
Shikamaru's advice wasn't unfounded, nor useless. He was right—and likely much more pleasant about it than the Council would be. She couldn't let herself get this reactively defensive over that line of questioning come the day of trial.
Perhaps this meeting they'd planned had been a good idea.
"Good. Let's head out if we're settled, then. I'm sure the owners want this table free for the dinner rush," Kakashi declared as he stood up. "Safe travels, Naruto. Swing by my office when you get back."
"I will. I'm porting there, so I might be back sooner than three days. Depends on how long it takes me to convince the Raikage to stop being a dickhead."
Sakura chuckled; he'd planned the trip exclusively to wrangle A onto Team Sasuke with his infamous persuasion. "Good luck. The Raikage's notoriously impenetrable."
Dropping money on the table, the four shinobi made short small talk and then said their goodbyes. As she strode into the street, Shikamaru tapped her on the back.
"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you in there. Do you have a second?"
"I shouldn't have gotten upset by it. It's fine." Pointing down the street, she offered, "I've gotta head back to work, but you can walk with me if you want?"
"Alright." He fell into step beside her, fiddling with something in his pocket.
For February, it was a nice day. The sun was still out. Birds chirped from power lines draped across buildings. Warmer than usual, a thicker crowd filled the streets.
Konoha was thriving—on the surface.
Perhaps that was where this sort of healing began, though. Medics learned to heal from the inside out, but maybe if things and people looked fine, it would eventually seep underneath and make it true.
"What's up?" she prompted, noticing Shikamaru had yet to speak.
"I went to see Ino earlier. To see if she wanted to join us for this."
As promised, Sakura hadn't brought up Sasuke's trial again with her best friend. But Shikamaru might've had better luck.
"What'd she say?"
Pausing for a moment, Shikamaru seemed to choose his words carefully. "Obviously, since she isn't here, she didn't want to come. But she won't implicate Sasuke. She's aware Orochimaru acted under his orders when he snuck her out. She also said she didn't have any direct contact with him while imprisoned, and that's how she'll testify."
That's good, thought Sakura. Better than it could've been. But there was one thing she'd been wondering since Ino told her about her subpoena—
"Will the seal on her tongue make it difficult for her to say certain things?"
"You mean the Eradication Seal?"
"Yeah."
He shook his head. "That disappeared a few hours after she made it back to Konoha's hideout. Sometime the following afternoon. Even if it hadn't, though, I doubt it would've stopped her from talking about anything that happened after Lightning."
His explanation hit her like freezing rain.
Had their tacit agreement not to pull back the curtains too far left some sort of wedge between her and Ino? Big enough that Ino hadn't felt comfortable enough to share that she wasn't sealed anymore?
Big enough that Sakura hadn't even asked? Hadn't even realized?
Ino was by her side almost every day when Sakura was in the hospital. Ino was the woman that Sakura loved most in the whole world. And yet, she hadn't known about this. Something so small—something she might've seen missing from Ino's tongue, if she'd bothered to look.
It sent a dark poison through her mind.
What else was she missing? If they couldn't talk to each other, was Ino talking to anyone else? Who was Ino relying on while Sakura was fumbling her way through the motions of existing? Shikamaru? Anyone?
Trying not to let herself spiral, all Sakura could do was stumble out a quick, "I—I see."
"How bad was it for her?" His voice was as cold as she felt. "Be honest."
She could lie. A lie would hurt him less, and Ino might prefer it if she did.
"...Bad." But Shikamaru deserved to know. "Really, really bad. Far worse than it was for me. I had Sasuke, but she—" A shiver swept over her skin. Ino had been all alone, with no protection. A beautiful, powerful woman in the hands of an enemy, stripped of chakra and allies. Beholden to Sakura's silence. "She—wasn't going to last much longer. That's why I had to get her out so fast."
The hardening of Shikamaru's chakra was palpable. Anger and sorrow swirled around him like a mist.
"I thought so. When I brought up the meeting, she… I know I've spent a lot of time in Suna lately. Maybe I should've taken her with me all those times I left. I didn't—I mean—" He swallowed. "I knew she gave up the leadership position in her clan, but I thought she just wanted a break. I…didn't realize how bad she's doing, Sakura. I didn't know."
"If we're comparing to right after the war, though, I think she's doing better," she tried consoling. She'd gotten good at it from all her work in the hospital. "Don't get too down on yourself. We're all navigating this blind, and you shouldn't feel bad for doing what's best for you. Especially when you aren't even aware you could maybe do differently."
"But she's my family. I should've been there for her. I should be there for her now."
There was no response for that. Sakura was thinking the exact same thing, after all.
"She was crying in the back room when I got there this morning," he whispered after a moment passed. "Does she do that often?"
At the graves, she almost let slip. But everyone cried at the graves. That wasn't what Shikamaru wanted to know.
"I haven't seen her like that, and I visit her nearly every day when I take lunch."
Ino might've just been having a bad day. She might've had a bad night. Even Sakura had days like that in these peaceful times, so it probably wasn't anything to worry too much about.
But just in case, Sakura made a mental note to check in on Ino tomorrow morning.
"Why not tell Temari to come here for a bit instead? I'm sure she wouldn't mind," she suggested.
"Right. That's a good idea. I'll do that." He still sounded too dejected for her liking, though.
"You're doing the best you can, Shikamaru. So am I—so is Ino. We're all just...taking things day by day, hoping tomorrow's a little easier." Sakura reached over to rub his shoulder. "...It was supposed to be better than this, wasn't it? Winning."
Grinning sadly, he nodded. "I thought it would be. Thanks, Sakura."
"Of course."
"And I have something for you." He stopped walking; she turned back a step ahead to find him holding a folded letter out to her. "Before we evacuated the base in Lightning, I snagged it. I went back to grab the Classed reports when they caught Tsunade and saw it with her things. I'm sorry I didn't get it to you sooner. When you were in the hospital, I stored it at Temari's place. Someone in my clan might've found it by accident if I left it in my office, and it slipped my mind after that."
She took what he offered, flipping it over in her hands before unfolding it. Eloquent penmanship was on its face, black letters sprawled out in perfect cursive.
To Sakura.
The writing was too distinct not to recognize.
Her hold tightened as she quickly looked away from it. Abruptly, the setting sun was too hot. Too bright. The street grew quiet and loud at the same time.
"Is this…?" Throat closing, she couldn't even finish the question.
"Sai wrote that for you."
Before he could see the tears swamping in, she pivoted and started walking, clutching the paper like a lifeline. Fighting the roar in her head. She barely heard him jogging behind her to catch up.
If he noticed the wetness on her cheeks, he had the decency not to mention it.
"I was with him when the order came in, you know. When the Hokage directed him to choose someone he trusted not to break to get caught. Instead of picking one of the shinobi on the mission with us… He chose himself." There was no way he didn't hear how she choked. "He was a true, honorable man if I ever met one, Sakura. I stayed with him while he wrote that, too. So I could get it back to Konoha Division for him."
"How could he do that?" she murmured, soft enough to keep her voice steady. To me? To himself?!
"I don't know. I don't think I'd have the strength to make the same decision. And so fast… I hadn't even processed the order before he said he'd do it. Who knows? Maybe he only trusted himself." Now it was Shikamaru's turn to rub her shoulder. "Maybe he did it for you."
"Don't tell me that," she cried, hating everything he was saying. "Don't say that to me. I never wanted that from him, Shikamaru!"
She was losing her grip on the fine line she'd constructed between lucidity and insanity. Ghosting all around her was Sai, invisible but unmistakable. The warm air was molding into something stale and chilly and stifling—people staring in the crowd were growing black masks—Chidori buzzed in her ears—
Shikamaru's arm slipped around her, anchoring her to reality.
"I know. I'm sorry. I thought about whether to tell you all this on my way here earlier, but… It was probably the most honorable thing I saw during the whole war. I think about it all the time, and I wanted you to know that. He didn't look the least bit afraid—I can't even explain it, Sakura. And you know what?" Squeezing her to him lightly, he revealed, "Sai smiled when he handed that letter to me. He said, Make sure Sakura gets this, and smiled. A real smile, too. I'd never seen him do that before."
Stopping in the middle of the street, Sakura twisted into him, wrapping him in a hug. Hiding her face in his chest.
"Thank you, Shikamaru."
"Of course," he parroted her earlier words. "It should've come to you a long time ago."
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The hospital was in chaos when she finally got back.
Two teams of ANBU were ambushed by nukenin on their way home from a mission, leaving four shinobi in critical condition. Ranking medics were scrambling them into operating rooms as trainees hurriedly scrubbed the bloodied lobby floors. Medic Sakura took over immediately, shoving Sai's letter into a forgotten corner faster than anything could've.
By the time she'd gotten all the patients stable, it was closing in on midnight, and she was exhausted.
Usually, she'd head to visit Sasuke once her shift was over. The envelope was hot coal in her pocket, however; she didn't know if Sasuke, of all people, would be the best person to have around when she read it.
It'd been a mercy in the end. But he'd still brought about the end. He'd still done it right before her eyes.
And she wasn't sure how comfortable he would be supporting her through this.
Momentarily forgetting that he'd blocked their seal, she told him, I can't come tonight, my shift went longer than I thought it would. I'll come see you tomorrow. The letter had her so caught up that she didn't even care when the thought rebounded back.
So instead of the Hokage Tower, Sakura ambled home, thumbing the paper in her slacks. Debating with herself if she ought to read it tonight or in the morning. Wondering if she should read it at all.
She was afraid of what it might say. What if he'd written anger into his words at the choice she'd forced upon him? What if he blamed her? Was she ready to take on that burden when she was barely hanging on as it was?
Sakura walked through the dark streets like a spirit, faintly there and hardly human.
When she got to her apartment, she opened the door slower than she normally did. Everything was in its designated place—the cream sofa, the tan lazy chair, the green rug. She slipped her shoes off and made her way into the kitchen, placing the letter on the counter gently. Made a cup of tea. Sat on a barstool at the island. Stared at the swooped, black To Sakura, biting her lip between sips.
Her throat itched for a taste of calmative.
Maybe she shouldn't read it.
Maybe it was better to let the bones lie.
Sai was gone, whether she read it or not. He was never coming back, regardless of what this letter said. He was gone, and never coming back, and—
He was suddenly leaning against her kitchen sink across from her. She spit her tea back into the mug in a fit of coughs. Wispy and colorless, he smiled, arms crossed over his chest.
This wasn't the first time she'd seen him since the war. He was always there with her at the Memorial. Sometimes with a hand on her shoulder, sometimes kneeled and sketching in his notebook. Always watching her weep over his empty grave, silent and smiling, muted whispers on his lips.
She knew he wasn't real. No one else would see him lounging in her kitchen if they were to walk in right now. She knew that this wasn't the real Sai—but it looked like him, and stood like him, and she wished it was him so bad. Tears dripped into her cup as he nodded towards the letter.
Read it, he seemed to be saying. I wrote it for you.
With a shaky hand, she immediately, mindlessly reached to grab it. Sai wafted away with a smile.
There was no way she could read this. Her vision was too blurry—heart beating too fast. Her fingers were moving on their own though, softly unsealing the lid. Tugging out the prim, white sheet inside. Unfolding it and smoothing it to the table.
Hi, Ugly.
Heartbreak tore out of her chest and cracked her throat in a broken scream as she slammed her hands across the letter, hiding its words. Her nose was running now—no. She couldn't read this. She'd never get through it. There was no way.
But he'd written it for her.
He'd come to face death so that she could live. Created a debt she could never repay. When Sai was just a marble stone now, how cruel of her to turn away from his sacrifice. To cover up the last words he wrote for her.
She had to read it. Somehow—she had to get through this. For Sai, who deserved everything from her.
Sobbing, she peeled her fingers away. Glanced down. Every cell in her body was trembling. She gripped the countertop for support, willing the Gods to grant her the strength to do it.
If you're reading this, that means you got out safely. That's what I'm desperately Hoping for.
Even though I had a brother once, I never had a Family. Relationships were hard for me to understand. Emotions were, too. So I was Worried and Excited when I learned I'd be joining your team, but I didn't know what to call those feelings back then.
Do you know? You and Naruto taught me their names. You taught me the names of many other feelings, too. Teamwork. Loyalty. Joy. Friendship. If I'd never met the two of you, I would've gone my whole life without knowing what these things were.
Without you and Naruto, I would have gone my whole life without a Family.
Right now, someone in my Family is in trouble. Because you've taught me about Sadness, I know you'll be Hurt by the choice I'm making. But my life wouldn't be what it is if you hadn't been in it, and it won't be the same if something happens that I could've stopped. I would never Forgive myself if I let anything happen to you.
So don't be too Sad, and know that I'm not Sad at all. I'm Glad to finally give you a little in return for all you've given me. I Hope you and Naruto only feel Happy when you think of me. Like how Happy I feel when I think of you two, and how Happy I am now, knowing I'm going to make sure you're safe.
Please don't be Angry with me, either. If I'm not here anymore when you get this, I'll still be there with you always. Even if you can't see me.
When you get back to Konoha, you and Naruto should smile a lot and laugh even more together.
And I was only Teasing when I gave you the nickname Ugly. I think you're the prettiest girl I ever met, Sakura. Thank you for accepting me into your Family.
Goodbye for now. I'll see you soon.
Sai
.
we've come to yet another pause in this story, as Holidays and New Years is upon us!
See you next year in January, all you lovely people.
thanks for reading, as always.
and thanks to Leech for beta-reading