The next day was a back to work day and I guess it was a good thing I wasn't left to ponder too much. Joanie and I hadn't done much talking that last night and the drive home wasn't the right place to talk about what had happened. I know that sort of activity changes things between people and it was hard to read just how it might have changed things between me and Joanie. I took some comfort in the fact that when she slept in the car, she rested on me but without talking to her, I couldn't know for sure if she was alright.
People talk about a first time and romanticize it up good. Reality is that for most guys it's over practically before it begins and for girls, it hurts. That's just the facts. Women have some tissue or something up there that tears on the first time and it bleeds and it hurts. I could kick myself for the number of times when I was with a girl and didn't pay attention to all the signs that she was a virgin. See there are things a man can do to ease the hurt some. I did all I could for Joanie but I know it hurt her and when I was holding her afterward, she was trembling. Sometimes girls hold that against a guy, especially girls who aren't prepared for it. People should just stop making it out to be this wonderful thing. I'm not saying sex don't feel good because it surely does but girls ought to know what they're in for the first time.
So I spent most of the day underneath someone's old Chrysler with Al sitting next to the car listening to me talk about my week away. I didn't tell him what happened the last night though he might've suspected. He was sharp, that old man. I was just telling him about swimming and fishing and going to Mackinac Island and how beautiful the bridge is once you get used to it. After a while Al cleared his throat to get my attention and I rolled out from under the car to see a pair of penny loafers on a pair of legs sticking out from what the girls were calling Capris pants. I think they've been called other things; it's hard to keep track of women's clothes. I've always been grateful that, for the most part, I could get by with a pair of chinos or Levi's and a t-shirt. It's so much simpler to be a guy. Anyway, I followed the legs up and there I was staring into those dark brown eyes. I looked up at the clock and saw it was pretty near to quitting time. I didn't even have to say anything to Al and I know if he suspected before that we'd gone all the way, his suspicions were confirmed by her expression. And the fact that she called him Mr. Hunter.
"I guess it's about time to call it a day, Jimmy," Al said like he had been just about to utter those words anyway.
"I could wait, Mr. Hunter," Joanie said quickly, "I don't want to be a bother."
"A lovely lady is never a bother and Jimmy here worked through his lunch today so I guess he's got the right to knock off a little early if he wants to."
To his credit and my gratitude, Al went right to his office.
"I'm sorry I didn't call."
"It's good to see you…"
We spoke right on top of each other. I nodded to her, ladies first and all that. Though it was rare I could say something like that out loud to her without getting an earful about how women didn't need that kind of pity.
"I should have called before coming here," she said, "I just didn't know what to say on the phone."
"I'm glad you came," I said back to her and I was even though I was scared half to death that this was the end for us. "Was there anything special you wanted to do or anywhere you wanted to go?"
She shook her head and still hadn't been able to look me in the eye once since I'd first looked up at her.
"How about we sit on the roof for a bit?" I asked really hoping that she did want to sit for a while.
She nodded and actually led the way. I stopped by my apartment for a couple bottles of Stroh's while she headed up. When I got to the roof, she was standing a few yards from the wall at the far edge hugging her arms around herself like she was cold, or scared.
"For the shayna maidel," I said handing her a bottle and trying to show off some of the Yiddish I had picked up from her folks. She smiled but it looked forced.
"I'm sorry, James," she said finally, "I'm acting horribly to you."
"You're not," I said, "But you are starting to worry me some."
"I thought I knew how it was going to be," she confessed after a long pull on her beer. "I knew it might hurt some and, well, I don't know."
She looked frustrated at not being able to explain herself and she looked embarrassed to be talking to me about it and then she looked even more frustrated for being embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Joanie," I said, "I tried to make it not so bad for you. I really did. I'm so sorry."
She reached up and touched the side of my face and smiled, a real smile, and finally looked me in the eye.
"You don't think I'm angry with you, do you?" she asked.
I couldn't even answer because I did think that or had.
"It's hardly your fault," she said, "It's just how we're made. I guess it just took me by surprise and left me feeling a lot more vulnerable than I usually allow. But I guess that's why you should only do that with someone you love so it's okay to be vulnerable."
I wasn't sure if I was following her. She was either upset that she had done it with someone she didn't love or glad that she had done it with me. I wasn't sure which but I had to take a chance.
"I hope you can be vulnerable with me," I said, "You know you're safe with me, right?"
"If I didn't before," she answered, "I do now."
She was back to hugging herself and I could tell she was feeling like she was putting herself out there and wasn't sure how it would end up. I pulled her to me and held her tight and kissed the top of her head. I think she nearly melted into me. I know a lot of guys would earn a girl's trust and dump her after they got what they wanted. And I know I had a reputation but I'd never been one of those guys. I might have said certain things to get under a girl's skirt but I didn't break up after she put out, not like that anyway. If I broke up with a girl, there was a reason and usually they did the breaking up. I was sort of hurt thinking she might have thought things were over or something.
"I was so worried," I said, "I was worried you wouldn't want me anymore, that you'd blame me or be mad at me or not trust me or something."
She laughed a little at that.
"I was afraid," she started, "That you'd break up with me because maybe I wasn't good at it or something or you wouldn't think I was attractive."
She started to cry. Like I've said before, everyone has fears and insecurities.
"First of all," I said still holding her close and stroking her hair. "You're plenty good at it and second I was much more concerned about you being able to enjoy it just a little. I know it's usually not good the first time but I didn't want you thinking that it was always like that. And third, you are a beautiful woman and naked you are an even more beautiful woman. Just thinking about you naked under the moonlight is enough to…well, you get the idea."
I could feel her nod her head against my chest but I could also feel that she was still crying.
"Did I say something wrong?" I asked.
She looked up at me with her puffy eyes and somehow smiled.
"I'm just happy," she said. Women are a strange lot.
It was a nice night with her. We went down to my place and she actually made something for us to eat. I offered to cook but she insisted. And then we went to the roof. We listened to the radio and talked about all kinds of stuff. She had been catching up with friends since she'd been back and neither one of us had known what was going on with the Tigers the last week. I told her things I knew about the guys. Ike had bought a ring but hadn't popped the question yet. I knew it was only a matter of time before he asked Annie. I was glad for him too. She was a real nice girl. Some guys made comments about her looks but she was a pretty sort of girl. She didn't do herself all up all the time and I think some guys thought she was kind of plain but she had some beauty to her and while she wasn't what I would go out of my way to get with, Ike thought she was beautiful and that's really all that mattered. She really loved him too and that was more important to me and the rest of our friends. It seemed Carol and Buck were in some weird place and none of us knew what was up. They seemed chilly with each other but they were still together. I think Ike knew what was going on but none of the rest of us did and it was really confusing to me. When I left, they had been tight as always. I know she had expected him to propose sooner and I thought maybe that's what it was. Kid and Lou were Kid and Lou. They loved each other like nothing else but a good deal of the time you couldn't tell. He'd say something that even I knew was stupid and she'd get mad at him and then he'd get mad at her for being that way. But like I said, they loved each other. He was thinking about joining the Army because it would be steady work. I know Lou was having a hard time with the idea. She wasn't sure how her little sister would do and really she knew that if she had to leave to be with him anywhere, she'd have to take Theresa with her. Lou's mom had cancer and had been sick a while. Lou took care of her sister and Theresa had even moved into the little apartment that Kid and Lou shared.
After a while, the conversation died out a little and we just sat there in silence looking at the stars and wishing we were back up north where we could see all of the stars and not just the sprinkled few that were bright enough to get past the city lights.
"It gets better, right?" she asked out of nowhere.
"What?" Yeah, I wasn't the bright one back then.
"Sex," she said and just that word made me feel good because it meant that she didn't feel weird talking to me anymore. "It gets better, right? I mean I'm sure it's always good for guys but for girls."
"Actually the first time is usually a disappointment for guys too," I said, "It doesn't hurt but it doesn't last long enough to really enjoy it. It must get better for girls."
"Well, you've been with others," she said, "They weren't all virgins, were they?"
I wasn't so sure about telling her about my experience but it seemed she really needed to know.
"Haven't any of your friends done it?" I asked.
"I don't think so," she answered, "Not my close ones anyway. I know you've been with other women and I don't mind, really I don't."
"You say that now," I said, "But no one likes to really think about the people their boyfriend or girlfriend has been with."
"I'm not saying I want a number or details or anything," she said, "I just want to know that it gets better. I know you tried to make it good for me and I really appreciate that. It wasn't all bad."
"Well," I said, "I'm glad of that and yes, it must get better because I know some women who were really having a good time."
"I don't think I'm ready to try it again," she said, "Not tonight."
She looked at me like she was a little afraid that I'd me mad at her.
"As long as you let me know when you are ready," I said, "You can just take your time."
"I will," she said and she nuzzled closer to me. "I don't think I could trust anyone but you."
Right there, those words was all I ever needed from her or anyone else. I like to think I'm basically a good guy and for someone to see the good guy instead of the bad boy was new for me but nothing could have been better.
"The Army?" she said after a while. "Doesn't he know there's a war going on?"
"Yeah," I said, "I'm not entirely sure what he's thinking. I mean I get that there are folks over there that need defending but he's got a wife here that needs him and Theresa's depending on him too."
"Lou must be terrified he's even considering it," she said, "You wouldn't go and leave me, would you?"
"I'm not strong enough to be away from you like that," I told her, "And listening to you, there's enough fighting to do right here."
I gripped her hand a little tighter.
"Besides," I added, "I have a job. I don't need to go looking for one."
"I never thought very highly of women who were so dependent on men," she said, "But I don't think I could bear to be without you. Please don't ever leave me."
Her voice was so tiny at that moment, something I could rarely ever say about Joanie. It was like a child talking about the monsters in the closet.
"I couldn't if I wanted to," I said kissing her head. I knew it was a blow to her ego and her feminist ideals to be so attached to me. "People might act like only women get that dependent but men do to. I don't suppose I'd care too much about life if you weren't in it. Maybe that makes me weak, I don't know."
"How did you know what I needed to hear?" she asked.
I was trying to figure out how I was lucky enough to find a girl who needed to hear what I had to say. I didn't have an answer for her so I just held her tighter and kissed her. She pulled back a little.
"Relax," I said, "This ain't going anywhere. I just want to kiss you."
We kissed a lot that night. I guess they call it making out these days. We called it necking then. Sometimes it's real nice just to kiss someone. We forget that and I think young folks these days are way too focused on sex and not enough on enjoying being with someone. I think that holding hands has become more intimate than having sex because sex so often means so little to people. Back then I wondered if it didn't have too much importance but hell, it's not like you can so a lot about the times you live in or how society sees stuff like that. All I can say is that I came along a good while before the hippies was all going around banging everyone and everything. I'm an old man now and I know the young people think I'm too lost in the good old days. I used to think the same about Al too. But I know that not everything about then was better. Still being in that time would be being young and newly in love and that makes those days better than this one for the life that was still in front of me waiting to be lived. There's a lot that's tough about being young but it's better to see the road laid out before you than it is to see it's mostly behind you. I'm not the smartest man to walk this earth but I know that.
Yeah, sorry about the sex talk but I think I kept it PG-13 enough. Shayna Maidel is "pretty girl". Though I'm sure that wasn't that hard to figure out. I don't think this chapter had much else that needs notation but as always, let me know if there's anything that's unclear.
Today is 9/11 and I know I will never forget where I was or how I felt that morning when my life, and the lives of everyone in this country, was sent all askew. What I choose most to hang onto is how people in the wake of the attacks were nicer and cared more about their neighbors. We were truly the embodiment of "of many one". I know America has an iffy reputation around the world and the iffy nature is earned often. But there is greatness here and there are ideals we were built on that speak of that greatness. I will forever believe that our plural society, the very name United States, acknowledging that we do not agree on much but the need to stick together, this attitude and understanding that agreeing is not necessary to being unified and being there for each other-much like a family-is what has, what does, what will make this a great place to live. If nothing else is drawn from the memory of that day ten years ago, please remember that life is tenuous at best. We need to love each other. Live with no regrets. Do not hold back on that compliment, that person might not be there tomorrow, or you might not. Do not ever refrain from telling someone you love them. There may not come another chance.
As another note, tonight, in the US and on the cable channel USA network there is a movie that has been doing very well at film festivals. It is written, directed and produced by Travis Fine (Ike) and stars Melissa Leo (Emma) and also in the cast is Brett Cullen (Sam) and Don Franklin (Noah). It is called "The Space Between". I have the DVR set already. This movie is about 9/11 but it is a very different take on things. Stay safe and know you are all loved.-J