I was in front of Mary Markley Hall bright and early watching for the Nomad to pull up with Joanie and her things. What a crazy scene it was. I've since learned, after the years of helping Joanie move in and my own kids and even a couple of the grandkids, that moving in is always like that. Cars lined up and people carrying in all sorts of stuff. Actually it's worse now. They bring these loft beds and their own refrigerators and TV's and stuff like that now. Then it was pretty much just a trunk of clothes and some bedding and maybe a poster or two for the wall. You ask me and I think it was a little better when folks was taught to pack a little lighter or maybe when we all lived a little lighter but no one asked me and I don't figure they're about to start.
Finally I saw the Cohen family car pulling up. I walked over and opened the back to start unloading stuff. I hauled out the big trunk before the rest of the family was even out of the car. Joanie came over to me and looked like she might cry. I knew it was more emotional for her than she thought it was going to be. She thought that just 'cause she wasn't going very far that it wouldn't be as hard to leave. I knew she was wrong about that but I also knew better than to try to tell her that. She was finding out though.
"You're here," she said kind of surprised.
"Aside from the fact that I said I would be," I told her, "You should know I would be anywhere you needed me to be."
She smiled and went to her tip-toes to kiss me. That's still one of my favorite feelings in the world, her lips pressed to mine. We broke apart and I saw her parents standing nearby. I looked down. I know that us kissing couldn't have been a shock to them for all the time we'd been together but still kissing her in front of her parents was awkward. And Judy standing there giggling at us didn't help at all. She could be a real pest sometimes but I think that's what little sisters are for. I'll tell you though, once little sisters grow up, they can be right handy and a real comfort. I know Theresa was to Lou and Judy was to Joanie and to me in time.
I took one end of the trunk and Mr. Cohen took the other and we got it into her room. We were joking and making comments like she must've packed bricks from the house to keep her from being homesick and things like that. Judy came running in and said that I needed to come quick. She didn't say her dad should, just me. He came anyway but not as fast. If she asked for me then it was me she was going to get. I ran out and searched a second before Judy pointed me to the car. Joanie was sitting in the back seat and I hurried over there. I climbed in next to her and I really didn't know what to do with what I found. She was crying and breathing real fast and shaking. It was scary I have to admit. I really didn't know what I was supposed to do and I was beginning to wonder if Joanie had asked for me or if Judy had taken it upon herself to get me over their father. I know now that I was the one she needed even if it didn't make sense at the time.
"Joanie, honey," I said softly, "What's wrong?"
She just shook her head and started repeating "can't" over and over. I really didn't know what else to do. I'd been there for Lou a couple times when she and Kid had fought or something but those times seemed pretty small compared to what I was looking at right there. All I could think to do was hold her. She was still breathing real fast and shaking her head but she did put her arms around me sort of. They were stiff and her hands were balled into fists.
"What can't you do sweetheart?" I asked.
"Can't," was her only response.
"Joanie," I said as soothing as I could. "I don't think there's anything you can't do if you want to bad enough."
The reaction I got from her might make it seem like that was the wrong thing to say but I understand now that making her mad was the right thing to get her unstuck. It's always better to be talking even if sometimes the talk is loud and angry.
"Don't!" she yelled at me and pushed away. "I've heard that for as long as I can remember. I've heard every story about how Zaydeh Cohen pushed an apple cart through the depression and how my dad had his first paper route at eight years old and still kept up his grades and put himself through college and law school working every crap job he could find and how my mom kept at her school even after I was born and taught and got her master's degree when I was barely in school myself!"
I sat there stunned and just had no idea what to say but it turned out it wasn't my turn to talk anyway.
"What they did was great and even wonderful and I am so proud of them but I can't be them!" she was screaming and crying still and pounding her fists on the seat of the car. "I just can't be them," her voice was softer. "I don't even know how to be me."
She let me pull her back into my arms and hold her tight for a while. I still didn't know what to say but it didn't seem as important that I say anything. She just sobbed into me and it broke my heart to hear it.
"I'm just a phony," she said into my shirt. "A big old fake, I don't even know who I am. I pretend to be whatever people want me to be and I don't even know where I am in all that or even if I'm there at all. I'm so sorry."
"Seems to me," I began as I finally found my voice. "That I'm not the one who needs that apology, you do. I don't care about your grades or your degree or what anyone else thinks you ought to do or be. You're the one who needs to figure out what's important and what you care about."
"I don't know," she said and the words were muffled by my shirt.
"Yeah you do," I told her. "You're scared right now that you aren't up for the challenge and that you'll make a mistake and disappoint someone. I guess I don't know what that's like since I have no one to disappoint but if you're worried about your dad, he isn't going to stop loving you, you know."
She looked up at me kind of surprised and I was too. I don't know where all of that came from but I knew it was all the truth.
"You want to be here, right?" I asked and she nodded. "Then I guess you should get that last bag and come on in. I'm sure your roommate would like to meet you and find out why a greasy hood was just in her room."
I got a half of a laugh and Joanie set to drying her eyes and trying to make herself look like she hadn't just been hysterically crying. She finally decided she was presentable enough and we got out of the car and walked toward the building hand in hand. We passed her folks and the look Mr. Cohen gave me told me he had heard all she said. He looked sort of grateful that I'd been there. She'd have never admitted all of that to him. I know he never meant for her to feel pressured and only told her those stories to inspire her but sometimes when we mean the best we do the most harm. We walked into her room and I got to meet Sherry, her roommate. I think Sherry was a little uncertain of me at first but she got over that pretty quick and we got along pretty well. Joanie was always prone to her little episodes. I think they call them panic attacks or something like that now but whatever they call them, she was always prone to them and Sherry never hesitated to call me, day or night, to come and calm Joanie down. I was grateful for her and grateful that Joanie found such a lasting friend her first day there. They stayed roommates for the whole time at school. That doesn't always happen.
I hung back a bit while Joanie said her goodbyes to her family. Before they left, Mr. Cohen pulled me aside. I was a little nervous but he didn't look mad.
"Thank you James," he said and I know I looked like an idiot with the stare I gave him. "You handled yourself well. I didn't like hearing what she had to say but I guess that was my fault for eavesdropping. Thank you for taking care of my little girl."
"I don't really think thanks are needed," I said but it had felt good to hear them all the same. "I'd do anything for her."
"I know," he said and I'm not even sure he was really talking to me. I get it now because I've been in his shoes now and I know how I look at Joanie and the first time I saw that look on another young man's face and directed at my little girl, it was a scary thing and I was pretty unprepared for that. I look back and I think Mr. Cohen was doing pretty good with it. I think better than I did.
He just patted my shoulder and got in the car. I know now he was dealing with the realization that his little girl wasn't his anymore and wasn't a little girl either. Until you get there, you can't possibly understand how hard that is for a man and the dealing with it don't end either. I thought I was okay with it until my little girl moved in with the man and then I thought I'd dealt pretty well until I saw her in that white dress. And I won't even talk about seeing her with a pregnant belly or a child on her lap. She ought to still be in pigtails pestering me for an ice cream or a new Barbie doll.
Joanie and I walked around the campus until evening and it was time to go but I didn't really want to and she was gripping my hand so hard I could tell she didn't want me to go either. But I did have to. She had a curfew and I wasn't allowed in past a certain time.
"I'm scared, James," she said.
"I know you are," I said, "But that's because you are doing something new and that's always scary."
"What if I can't do this?"
I kissed her and held her close to me.
"If you want to," I said, "You'll find a way."
"You think?" she asked.
"I know," I said.
She smiled at me in a way that made me feel like a hero. Somehow something I said gave someone courage. I couldn't believe that I could ever have that impact on someone but here she was smiling at me and feeling better about herself because of me. It felt pretty good, I'll tell you.
All the way home I kept remembering that smile and how powerful that feeling was that I was that important to someone and not just to someone but to someone like Joanie. She was so smart and had so many experiences that I didn't but she still looked to me to make her feel strong. It was hard to fathom.
I got back to the garage and didn't feel like going up to my place or even like being alone so I wandered over to Al's where I knew the old man would be on the porch and probably Emma would too. I was a little confused to get close to Al's and not see him there but then I looked over next door and he was on Emma's porch. That was something different but I just shrugged and walked the extra house down. I noticed Al wasn't on the porch alone, Kid was there too. I got closer and could see Kid looked real upset and I could hear crying from inside. Theresa was sitting on the porch with a coloring book that she wasn't paying too much attention to. I sat down with her and put a hand on her shoulder. She just wrapped her little arms around me and hugged me tight.
I was still hugging Theresa when the front door flew open and Lou came running out crying. Kid got up to chase her but both Al and Emma stopped him.
"She really doesn't want to talk to you right now, Kid," Emma said.
I looked around and said, "I'll go."
I knew where she was probably headed. The grade school wasn't far and there was a playground right there. In the evenings and at night, a playground can be a nice place to sit and think. I found Lou sitting on one of the swings just sitting and looking at the ground. I sat on the swing next to her.
"You mad at all men or just Kid?" I asked.
"I'm not sure," she said, "I haven't found one yet today I don't want to strangle."
"You want to fill me in?"
"I'm going to have a baby," she said.
"Well, that's good isn't it?"
"I was happy and Theresa was happy and I thought Kid would be happy too," she answered, "But I don't think he was and then he said 'That's it, I'm joining the Army.' I don't really understand why but that's what he said."
I wasn't real happy with Kid right about then but I understood. Babies cost money and work wasn't easy to find. He hadn't been able to land much steady work since the wedding and Al didn't do quite enough business to hire another full timer on. I got why he wanted to do it but he could have at least acted happy about the baby first. Any of my other friends and I wouldn't have been that hard on him but Kid was with Lou and Lou was like a sister to me and she was crying and he caused it so I was just going to be mad even if I understood it. Still, no matter how mad I was at him, I had to try to explain it to Lou if only because it would make her feel better.
"He just wants to provide for you," I said, "He loves you and Theresa and he's not feeling like too much of a man right now because he doesn't feel like he's a good enough provider and with a baby coming, he wants to make sure you all are taken care of. He went about it clumsy but I know that's what it is."
"I'm scared, Jimmy," she said like it was a confession of something shameful and not just what any sane person would feel.
"I know you are and you got plenty of reasons to be," I said trying to be reassuring. "But you're not going to feel much better until you talk to the guy. He loves you Lou, you know he'd never do anything on purpose to hurt you or scare you."
"I know," she said standing up.
We set to walking back and I think Lou was feeling a little better. At least I was good for something; I could calm down hysterical women apparently. I sadly found that skill faded about the time my own daughter hit her teens. I really wasn't good for anything at that point except being a good deal of the reason she was so upset but then I guess most dads feel like that.
"Congratulations, Lou," I said as we walked. "I really am happy for you."
She stopped walking and wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
"Thanks Jimmy," she said, "You're a good friend."
For all the stress of that day it was pretty good for my ego. I was a good boyfriend and a good friend. I had fixed things and not made them worse. I got Lou back to Emma's where she and Kid loaded Theresa up in their car and headed home to a lot of talking they had to do. I bid Emma and Al goodnight. I was just too tired after all of that to be any kind of good company. I grabbed a Stroh's and went up to the roof to think on the day. I wondered how Joanie was doing in her dorm and how Kid and Lou were doing at getting their issues sorted out. I meant it when I said I was happy for her. I knew Lou would be a real good mother. She was already practically mom to Theresa and she was doing better by that little girl than anyone else ever had. I wondered why people kept turning to me when I had no idea what I was doing in my own life and I wondered how I was actually finding ways to help. Well, I understand some things now that I didn't then. Remember I once said that the Beatles told us that all we needed was love? Well those English guys knew quite a lot. If someone turns to you for help and you really love them and you look at their problem from a place of love for them, you'll usually do alright in helping them out. That and I've gotten a little better acquainted with God through the years and I believe that saying that He doesn't give us what we can't handle. I think sometimes it was maybe even a little divine intervention when I happened on the right words to say. They say that He looks out for idiots and children. I wasn't a child but I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed either so maybe he was looking out for me. I think so anyway.
Hmmm...not really too much to say about this chapter...no references to note. Nothing to add...just looking foreward to seeing what everyone thinks of it. I've got so much starting in this chapter and I'm caught between excited to share it all with you and scared I won't be able to convey it like I want.
And I think I am a little bummed right now. The current roster of the Detroit Tigers is on the verge of winning the division and securing a spot in the playoffs. They could have done that tonight and they just couldn't get the bats going. I shouldn't complain too much, they can still clinch tomorrow and until tonight had a 12 game winning streak which is phenominal. But I was hoping to see the champagne flow in the locker room tonight. It's been a long time since Tiger fans have had this much hope this late in the season. Even the last time they made it to the World Series, it was a wild card and so such a long shot and not that much of a surprise that they didn't win. This year they could really win it all.
So, yeah, that's all there is to say about that. And really all there is to say about the story as well. But then the Red Wings are off on their great adventure to Traverse city and training camp which means that there is hockey just around the corner and that is a happy thing for me and possibly for Jimmy too in the story...he will undoubtedly follow the Wings and Lions as well as the Tigers (and even the Lions are doing well in 2011-I'll have to look up and see how it was in 1960). So in our sweet little tale there should be some football and hockey starting up soon for him so get over the fact that the Tigers finished second to last in their division that year. And that really is all I have for you lovely folks right now. Please don't be shy about clicking the review button and letting me know what you think good or bad. I used to say good, bad or indifferent but then I got to thinking that if you were indifferent then why would you bother to click the button and write a review at all? Until next time my loves.-J