"Are you sure I look alright?" Joanie asked me for I think possibly the thousandth time as we were heading out the door.

"Joanie," I said and I know I sounded a lot testier than I meant to but really she had changed her clothes about ten times and I knew we'd never get out the door at this rate. "You look perfect. I don't see why you are so insecure. You know all of the people we're seeing tonight and you like them and they like you."

She looked at her feet like she was embarrassed and spoke to the floor.

"It's my first Christmas," she said really soft, "I don't want to mess it up."

I couldn't help laughing at her.

"You can't mess up Christmas," I told her, "It never goes perfect anyway no matter how many specials you see on TV that tell you different. Remember you told me not to sweat Chanukkah because I didn't really have to do anything?"

"Yes."

"Christmas is the same," I assured her, "You just have to be there and enjoy being together. And besides, this isn't really Christmas; it's just a Christmas party."

"Even worse," she said.

"No," I said hugging her tight to me. "Even better for me because I get to go to the party with the prettiest girl."

She blushed and smiled and I knew we'd make it over to Emma's yet. We had thought of doing this shindig on Christmas Eve but Theresa still believed in Santa Claus and we didn't want Kid and Lou to have to leave the party early, especially since it was a party mostly for Kid anyway. So we were celebrating a few days early.

"So what do I do?" she asked.

"It's a party, Joanie," I said, "You have fun. We sing songs but if you don't know them it's okay, no one will think anything bad of you. Ike doesn't often join in either and he knows them. And there are presents." I held up the bag I was holding with gifts for our friends. "And we eat a lot. That's it."

"I think I can manage that," she said.

We walked over to Emma's with the snow crunching under our feet and I could see the warm light coming from the house. I swear, there was something about Emma's place that always brought to mind a Norman Rockwell painting or something.

Joanie squeezed her arm tighter around my waist the closer we got to the front door. Really you would have thought it was the first time she'd ever been to the house. I tightened my arm around her shoulders to reassure her. We just walked on in knowing there was no need to knock. There usually isn't when you're coming home for Christmas. Ike noticed us first. I guess when you're not busy running your mouth you can be more observant. Soon we were being pulled into hugs all around the room and Joanie was being pulled off to talk to the girls. She hesitated but I whispered into her ear that talking to friends is talking to friends even when there's a giant pine tree in the living room.

That was a good night I can tell you that. Emma out did herself with the meal and Joanie got her first introduction to the wonder of Christmas cookies. Before we started exchanging gifts, Ike got everyone's attention and we was all kind of surprised 'cause Ike wasn't one to ever try to draw attention or make announcements. He looked kind of uncomfortable and uncertain but then he looked at Annie and smiled that great big smile he had.

"We thought you might like to know that, well, we're, um, going to have a baby," he said and kind of blushed a little.

I don't know how Annie managed to sit with Lou and Carol all evening to that point and talk about their babies and not her own but event the girls were surprised to hear the news. And it was good news too. I caught Joanie's eye across the room and she had a huge smile for Ike and Annie's good news but I knew what was under that smile. She was feeling left behind. I was too if I'm being honest but then there's a lot of roads you can take to get where you need to be and there's no need trying to copy the footsteps of someone else. Those footsteps are only going to take you to where that person needs to be. They won't lead you to your own happiness. Joanie had things to do before heading for the whole marriage and babies part of life. They were things she wanted to do for others but also that she had to do for herself. And by that time I had a couple things I had to do too before I was really ready to be popping any questions.

We all traded presents and I don't remember much about who got what, it's been a lot of years you know, but I remember Theresa was sitting in the middle of a great big pile of dolls and things like that by the time all was said and done. It was hard not to go a little overboard buying for her and I have to admit that a decent amount of that pile came from her "uncle" Jimmy. I could make excuses like she'd been through a lot in those months before and was looking at moving God only knew where but the fact was, I really loved that little girl like she was my own baby sister and it was fun buying stuff and thinking how her face would light up when she unwrapped it. Joanie helped too with the shopping and I think it was fun for her to shop for a little girl. Judy was past dolls and wanted clothes and records so I think Joanie was missing buying dolls and doll clothes and things like that.

We all sat around talking into the night and Theresa eventually fell asleep in an overstuffed armchair. She stayed awake longer than any of us expected but I think it was just because she was so hopped up on sugar from all the cookies. We still kept talking even after Theresa threw in the towel hugging one of her new dolls tight to her. We shared old stories that most of us knew but the girls hadn't heard. More than once one or another of us got a light swat upside the head from Emma as she hadn't heard all of the stories either. She knew we were no angels but knowing that and knowing specific stories about our less than angelic behavior, well that's two totally different things. More than once I looked over at Joanie to make sure she was okay with everything she heard about me. We laughed at all of it now but I wasn't a very good kid. I had told her I done bad things but I wasn't specific about what I did. The rest of the guys were though and Bill, of course, was the worst. He was one hell of a storyteller and his embellishments worried me some. I was especially worried when he got to the story about the fight I got into where I pulled a knife and used it. It was a right stupid thing to do and I know that. I think a part of me knew it the moment I did it. The other guy was okay and all but I shouldn't have done it and I feel real bad about it. That was the cause of my stint in juvie and my time at the reform school. I caught some surprise on Joanie's face but I couldn't read anything else. It made me more than a little nervous and I regretted not being more detailed in certain explanations of things in the past.

After a while the conversation started to die out and we all decided it was time to break up our little party. I helped carry Theresa's presents to the car while Kid carried the child, careful not to wake her. Goodbyes were said and there was the knowledge in them of the uncertainty of our futures. Soon Joanie and I were walking back to my place. I put an arm around her shoulders and she stiffened. That hurt but I figured I had it coming. We got back to the garage and she started to head for her car.

"Joanie," I said, "It's late and the roads are bad and for all the things a 'Vette is made for, driving on snow and ice ain't one of 'em. Please stay. I know you're mad at me and I deserve it."

She looked up at me and for the first time I saw the tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Damn right you deserve it," she said and I was taken aback a little. It was a mild swear for sure but I don't think at that time I had ever heard her curse ever. It just wasn't her style. "You never thought to tell me that little story before?"

I reached for her and she flinched away. It hurt and I reverted to the jerk I become when I'm hurt.

"You knew I'd been to juvie and reform school," I spat, "What the hell did you think? I told you I have a sheet; did you think it was all for sneaking smokes or breaking curfew?"

She had no answer and just started stalking toward the 'Vette again. I had to stop her. The roads were bad for even a driver who wasn't tired and crying and mad as hell at her boyfriend, if I was even still that.

"Joanie, please," I said as gently as I could, "Don't drive now. If you won't stay with me, go to Emma's. You can tell her I screwed up. Tell her you hate me, I don't care. Just please, don't drive right now."

She stopped walking toward the car and I felt a little relief. Joanie just stood still for a minute like she was thinking about what I said and weighing her options. Finally she turned and started toward the building. I could see the determination on her face and the anger and something else-fear. It hadn't dawned on me before then but she was scared of me. I mean, it made sense after what she'd heard but I just never thought it would be her reaction. I followed a little distance behind and watched from the stairs as she used the key I'd given her to open my door. I think I half expected to see it slam shut behind her and I wasn't sure what I'd do then. I did have a key; it was my apartment after all. But if she slammed the door shut, I wouldn't know if I ought to follow her. But the door didn't shut. I went in.

"Close the door," she said and I could tell she was forcing her voice not to waver. She was still scared and I could tell that she wasn't real sure about being in a closed room with me. I wasn't sure I blamed her. I did what I was told though. I started walking toward her.

"Stay where you are," she said and the panic hit her voice then. I winced at that tone.

"Joanie," I started but she cut me off.

"Just shut up," she said, "I've seen you angry and I know you could be scary if you wanted to but I chalked it up to a façade you had to put on. I told myself over and over that how you dressed and where you lived said nothing of the man you are. I believed those things. I argued them to my Bubbe! I defended you. I trusted you. I gave myself to you and you can't even be bothered with telling me the truth about who you are."

Her voice was so filled with hurt and anger I couldn't hardly bear it. I wanted to rush to her and hold her tight and promise I'd never deceive her again but I knew she wouldn't have that.

I took a couple steps and sank onto the couch and let my head drop into my hands.

"I was wrong," I said with my usual flair for the obvious, "All the reasons I had for not telling you don't really seem to hold much water now. I am sorry. You know I'd never hurt you, right?"

I still couldn't get over her fear but like most things I was even misunderstanding that.

"You have hurt me, James," she said softly and then the venom crept back into her voice. "Or should I call you 'Wild Bill'? Bill's right, it does seem to fit you better."

I finally figured it out then. She wasn't afraid I was going to pull a knife on her, she was afraid of any other secrets I might be hiding, afraid she'd been with a complete stranger for all this time. She was just looking at me with something that might have bordered on hatred. Lou had been right, this whole thing was depending on me not messing it up and I had gone and done just that.

"I don't even know what to say," I told her, "I can't defend not telling you anymore than I can defend pulling that knife. I was stupid and I know that. I do love you."

"I'm not even sure you know what that means," she said sadly, "I thought you did and I thought you respected me and trusted me. Those things are love, James. You can't say you love me if you don't trust me with the truth, if you don't respect me enough to give me that much. You just can't."

She sat down in a chair across from me and I think it was more that she was just exhausted than her anger softening.

"I do love you," I said, "I'm just not good at it."

This made her laugh. First it was a soft chuckle and then a giggle and then she was nearly falling out of the chair. I didn't understand. I do now 'cause I've seen this since. When someone is real tired and real stressed, the oddest things can seem funny and can start a laughing jag. I wanted to laugh along with her but I was too confused by what I was seeing.

"You have a flair for understatement," she said once she had gotten her breath back a little. "Have you always been this bad at it or is this a new thing?"

"Everything with you is a new thing," I answered, "I been in love before but it was little kid love. You're my first real love, Joanie. I know I make mistakes and some of 'em are real big. I want to make this right. Please tell me I get that chance."

She was quiet for a minute and seemed to be really debating.

"You tell me the real story," she said at last, "Not the Bill Cody adventure tale and while you're at it, fill me in on anything else I'm still in the dark about and before you do that, try to explain to me why you thought you should hide all of this from me anyway."

"Well, contrary to popular belief," I began, "I get scared of things. I know that's shocking but it's true. Truth is that you looked at me like I wasn't some delinquent and I wanted to not be so I thought maybe if you didn't know then it didn't happen. See, you keep saying I'm smarter than I think but really I'm dumber than you think. Right up until I cut another human being, I really thought carrying that knife and even pulling it was a good idea. I thought if you knew I was capable of such a thing that you'd hate me. I know you hate violence. I can't change that I did it or anything else I did. I stole and beat people up. I don't like who I was then and I thought I was someone different now but I'm still just a scared kid trying to get things I don't deserve by lying and, and…"

I couldn't even think of what else to say and I hadn't even noticed that Joanie had slid off the chair and walked on her knees to me. I was looking at the floor too ashamed to even try to face her. She knelt between my knees and took my face in her hands and dipped her head to look me in the eye.

"You know it's infuriating how you don't let me stay mad at you," she said with a tender smile. "I can't quite forgive you yet though. I need you to promise me something first."

I would have promised absolutely anything whether I could do it or not.

"You can't keep things from me anymore, no secrets."

I know the look on my face wasn't entirely encouraging because I did have secrets and she'd know them in time but I couldn't tell her just yet.

"What about surprises?" I asked.

"I like surprises but only the happy ones," she said after a moment's thought.

"Then I promise," I said and I meant it. I never did keep another secret from her aside from happy surprises. In fact I decided I couldn't leave a particular secret untold. I knew I was taking a chance telling but she had gotten past me stabbing another person and going to juvie for it.

"Joanie," I began and her smile started to fade a little when she saw the somber look on my face. "I have a confession and I know you're not going to like it but it seemed the right thing to do and I'm glad I did it even though you'll probably be upset with me."

"You'd better spit this out, James," she said, "You're starting to scare me."

I took a breath and told her of my meeting with her father. I saw her lips thin as I knew they would but she heard me out.

"You asked his permission?" she asked and I could tell it took a lot to keep her voice at a civil level. "You asked his permission?"

"I knew you'd hate it but it was something I had to do for me," I tried explaining. "And I was more asking for a blessing than permission. That's different."

"Exactly how is it different, James?" she asked, "Explain because it sounds like you're just playing semantics with me."

"I don't even know what that means but it sounds like something you'd be way better at than me," I began and I since have learned what semantics means and she is way better at it than I am. I don't recommend anyone going against her in that fashion. "Permission means well, permission. Whether he would allow me to date you or court you or someday, maybe marry you but blessing means that he'd be happy about it and that it wouldn't cause problems in your family. I don't think you understand sometimes how lucky you are to have that family that loves you so much. I didn't want to take that from you or cause problems. And I got to understand your dad better. I think we've gotten to be decent friends even."

"When was I going to get a say in the planning of my life?" she asked and she was still pretty ticked off at me. I thought maybe bonding with her dad would soften her up a bit but I think it made her madder thinking we were conspiring or something.

"Every time you agree to go somewhere with me," I said, "And every time you stay over with me and every time you sit on the roof holding my hand and maybe someday when the time is right you'll say yes when I ask you to marry me. That's all you and your choice."

She thought for a minute and then smiled. I'm pretty sure I said the right thing though I don't know how I managed it at all.

"I'm still a little mad at you, you know," she said.

"I know."

Then she leaned up and kissed me and I knew that she wasn't that mad and she'd get over it and somehow we were still going to be okay.

So I started writing this chapter and hated it...I was pretty sure it was total crap and going nowhere and doing nothing for the story but then it sort of gained steam and I think it turned out alright...so you guys will have to let me know what you all think.

So I was watching yet another folk music thing on PBS because I love PBS and folk music and the Spartans had already kicked hiney so it seemed a good time to chill to some groovy hippy music. Ended up crying all the way through Peter, Paul and Mary's "Don't Let the Light Go Out" which is an amazing Chanukkah song and then like two song later they played "We Shall Overcome" and I cried again. I am such a little girl today. But I think part of it is knowing what's in store for some of the characters. I know one of my faithful has already figured that things might end up very difficult for one of our dear "riders" seems almost silly to call them that in this piece since they aren't riding anything at all but I guess they still are. I don't know how many of you have picked up on all the things that might be in store for everyone in the story. This will span at least all of the '60's and probably into the '70's before skipping along toward modern day where Jimmy is telling the story from. I know how it ends and most of what will transpire but not everything just yet. What I do know, there will be some chapters much harder to write and even for you all to read than others. I dread them but I am glad there was this nice time together for them all.-J