"How did this tradition get started?" Joanie asked as she was helping me hang shiny glass balls on the sad little tree in my apartment.

"I have no idea," I told her honestly. "There must be some things in Judaism that you don't know how they got started."

"A few," she admitted, "It is sort of pretty though."

I nodded. It wasn't my first Christmas at my own place but it was the first time I had bought a tree. I don't know why I hadn't before; it just didn't seem to matter. I wasn't going to do it that year either but Joanie asked why I didn't have one. Emma did and she could see Al had one. So we went out and found a tree lot and got a tree and a few decorations. It was sort of pretty.

"There," she said after hanging the last ornament. "That's done."

She turned to me with her hands on her hips.

"What's next?"

"Well, it's Christmas Eve so all the Christmas Eve stuff," I said and then realized that when you haven't been raised with the Christmas Eve traditions, you might not know what those are. I decided that this might be a whole lot of fun. "Well, tonight we're going to have to leave cookies and milk out for Santa."

"I'm not eight you know," she said, "You can fool Theresa but I know there's no Santa Claus."

"Maybe," I said, "But you've never had Christmas before and you need to get the whole experience. You made me sit and get my butt kicked at dreidel by your sister."

She sighed and then laughed a little at me.

"Okay, I'm on board," she said holding up her hands as if in surrender. "We need cookies? I can make cookies."

"I can assist," I said, "But I think we need to go to the store."

So we headed down to the grocery where Ike worked and Joanie set to assembling what she would need for cookies and I went and asked Ike for something a little special. Joanie came to the counter just as I was stuffing the other thing into my coat. Once we were home, I stuffed it under a couch cushion. Joanie headed straight for the kitchen and I followed her ready to take orders. When we were done, we had a big platter of decorated cookies. I was surprised that I actually had fun helping her.

We spent a nice quiet evening just watching a little TV and snuggling on the davenport.

"You know Santa Claus doesn't come until you're asleep," I said.

"An obvious ploy to get gentile children to behave at bedtime," she replied, "And as I am neither gentile nor a child, I think it won't work."

I smiled at her and I could certainly attest that she was not a child.

"I do have a question though?" she asked and I looked to her. "What do you do with the plate of cookies and glass of milk?"

"The parents get it all," I said and she looked appreciative of that tradition. She got up and changed into her pajamas and then snuggled back with me. I smiled to myself at how she no longer slipped off to the bathroom to change her clothes when it was just the two of us.

I felt Joanie yawn against me and I knew it was time for the other thing I had picked up when we went to the store. I reached under the cushion and pulled out a little copy of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas". When I was younger and my dad wasn't too drunk, he'd read that poem to me before bed on Christmas Eve. Those were the only good memories I had of my old man.

"What's that?" Joanie asked all drowsy.

"Traditional Christmas Eve poem," I said and I began reading to her. I can read and I'm not too bad at it either but I never was confident reading out loud. If Joanie noticed that, she didn't say anything.

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night," I finished the little story and looked to see Joanie's reaction.

"That was delightful," she said, "I think I liked that as much as all the songs the others were singing at the party."

We got up and I pulled out the bed.

"You know," I said, "It might be time to think about getting a real place. Maybe then the couch can just be a couch and then maybe I could get a real bed too."

I looked at Joanie and couldn't make out her look at all.

"What?" I asked kind of defensive. "You didn't think I wanted to live in a room over a garage for the rest of my life, did you?"

"I just never heard you talk about moving before," she said, "It is because of me? Because I don't care."

"Would it be such a bad thing to make me want to better my life a little bit?" I asked not getting her point at all.

"I just don't want you to think you have to change yourself for me. I already love you," she said.

"It's not about you loving me," I said, "I know you do. I don't know why but I know you do. And there might have been a time when it was about where you came from and what you was used to but I know you better than that now. It's more about wanting to make love to my girlfriend someday without fear the bed will get sucked back into the couch. And it's a little about wanting to have a real place for you. You're here quite a bit and I love that but if I had a real place with rooms and all that, you could even leave some things at my place and it would be easier."

We crawled into bed while she thought it over and I pulled her to me just loving feeling her body pressed to mine. She looked as though she might speak but then she just kissed me deep. It was the kind of kiss that left a man breathless and with all sorts of things stirring inside.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"I need a reason to kiss my boyfriend?" she asked.

"No you don't need one," I said, "But I know you have one, for kissing me like that anyway."

"I just really love you," she said. "I need you to understand."

"I know you love me," I said but she cut me off with another kiss.

"But you don't understand why," she finished with a sigh. "Honestly James, you might be the most frustrating person I have ever met. The way you talk about me like I am something above just a person, like I am so much better than anyone else, better than you. The real question is what you see in me. You know all the girls in my dorm are in love with you and I know they look at me and wonder how this happened. I even overheard one girl saying I must be good in bed or something and that I probably slept with you just to keep you or maybe even to get you in the first place."

"That isn't why you did, is it?" I asked, "Sleep with me I mean."

"No," she answered, "That's the strangest thing, I've never felt for a second that I might lose you really and I never felt any pressure to have sex."

"Well," I began, "You are really good in bed for what that's worth. I think you're beautiful for one thing. And I guess I dig smart girls. Those girls are just jealous because you have what they think they want. Lou used to hear all the same things in high school once she and Kid got together. Even you should be able to see they're perfect for each other."

That seemed to satisfy her and that was good because when all you have to argue with is the truth, you're pretty well screwed if that's not enough to convince someone of something. Next thing I knew and Joanie was kissing me again and rubbing against me and I can tell you she wasn't wearing those pajamas for very much longer.

Much later when we were just laying there holding on to each other Joanie whispered, "I love you."

"So I gathered," I said with a small laugh. "I love you too, beautiful."

I woke the next morning to breakfast smells and looked to see Joanie standing over a skillet flipping pancakes. I got up, pulled on a pair of pants and came up behind her kissing her on the neck.

"Merry Christmas," I whispered in her ear.

She smiled and said, "Merry Christmas to you too. Are pancakes okay for Christmas morning?"

"They're perfect though I don't think I ever got breakfast before presents in my life."

"Did I do it wrong?" she asked like she was worried.

"Nope," I said, "Just different and maybe better because I'm surely hungry."

We ate and opened presents and we had agreed on not doing much in the way of gifts to each other but I had seen one thing I had to get her and I decided since I hadn't gotten her a Chanukkah present that it was alright to get her one a little late. I handed her the small box and she eyed me suspiciously. I think she thought for a moment I was dumb enough to try to give her an engagement ring or something. I admit, I would have loved to have put a ring on her finger even if the actual wedding date was years off just to mark my turf but I knew better. She opened the box and a smile spread across her face that she tried to turn into a stern look.

"James," she said trying to sound like she was scolding me. "We agreed we wouldn't give big gifts."

"It's not big, Joanie," I argued, "See how small a box it fit in? And besides, I didn't get you anything for Chanukkah."

She held up the fine gold chain and looked at the six-pointed star dangling from it and allowed the smile once again.

"It is lovely," she said at last and lifted her hair so I could fasten it around her neck. Maybe some people would think it strange to give someone a star of David for Christmas but I think you find gifts for people that will mean the most to them and it doesn't matter if someone else thinks it makes sense or not. Besides, I could always argue that it was a belated Chanukkah present. I know she always kept that star with her, even at times when she couldn't actually wear it, it was never far. But I am getting ahead of myself again.

The day was a lazy sort of day as a good Christmas day often is once you get past the flurry of Christmas morning. We walked over to Emma's and Joanie helped her finish up dinner while Al and I visited. Lou and Kid were spending the day at home with just their little family of three and a half. I missed seeing Kid that day but I understood that Lou needed to just spend some time with her husband. They knew where he'd be stationed and that they weren't going to be separated anymore but still, sometimes a husband and wife just need to spend time alone and sometimes a family just needs to work a little on building that foundation that will hold them up when things threaten to crash down. It's not like they ever needed to worry if we'd be there for them. Buck and Carol were at her parents' house. I guess her folks decided Buck wasn't a bad guy after all and that Carol wasn't a loose woman. And she wasn't, I'll tell you. She was a good girl and they were deep in love. I also think her folks didn't want to miss out on time with their grandchild. I understood their initial reaction a little, I guess but for their sakes, I'm glad they came around. Grandkids are about the greatest thing ever. I read a little joke thing one day said, "If I knew how much fun grandchildren are, I'd have had them first." Grandkids are all of the fun of kids but none of the work. It's pretty ideal. Ike and Annie were hosting her parents and his plus his sister. That's kind of how holidays get when people get older, they have to divide time. It made it all the more precious that we'd had that party a few days before.

That night Joanie and I just sat in my apartment in near darkness just looking at the lights on the little Christmas tree.

"Thank you," she said out of nowhere.

"What did I do?" I asked.

"Thank you for sharing Christmas with me," she said, "And your family-your friends-and just for everything. Thank you for always coming to my rescue and never thinking I'm just some crazy person-even though I might well be. Just thank you."

"I get plenty in return," I said and I heard her slightly embarrassed giggle.

"Now that's not what I'm talking about," I said, "At least it's not all I'm talking about. I get to learn all about Chanukkah and learn new languages. You showed me I don't have to just be what everyone thinks I'll be because of what I was. Since I've been with you, I have been to prom and art museums and a cabin in the woods. And I know what it feels like to have someone love me. I wasn't sure I'd ever get to know that."

"But Emma loves you and Lou and Kid and even Al, though I know he might not say it out loud."

"That's not really the same," I said, "It's a different love and besides, we're all kind of stuck here together. We either have to stick together or be alone."

She pondered it with a smile for a bit. I think neither one of us ever thought we could be for anyone what we were for each other. It's a good feeling. Reading something one day I came across a quote and I can't recall for the life of me who said it but it went something like this, "To the world you are one person but to one person you might be the world". When you find that person, or people as the case may be sometimes, it feels really good.

"So," she started, "I know what people might have thought you would be but what is it that you want to be? I mean, in your wildest dreams, what does James Hickok become?"

I thought a bit because I don't think it ever occurred to me to wonder it before. I spent so long just expecting to be some aging delinquent content to work at a garage and maybe, if I played my cards right, someday I might have my own shop. I never thought about what I might be if I came from somewhere else or had different folks or hadn't stabbed a guy.

"I don't think I ever allowed myself those kind of dreams, the wild ones that is," I said.

"Oh, don't be silly," she said, "Maybe as you got older you stopped but what did you dream of as a little boy? Really think, when you were say six years old, what did you want most of all?"

"I think it was a tie between a puppy, a house with a backyard and to kill my dad."

"Do you still want any of those things?" she asked like I hadn't just confessed to wanting to do away with my own father.

"The house," I said, "I really would like a house with a yard. I don't even think I'd mind mowing it. I think that's why I like the roof; it's almost like having a yard. A dog might be nice too. I don't care much about my old man anymore. I can't say I like him a whole lot but when I wanted to kill him, it was 'cause he was hurting me and my mom. She came to be as bad as he was in time and neither one of 'em can hurt me anymore."

Her hand went up to trace around my face. I know it hurt her to think of how they were to me. I know it because I know how it would hurt to think of anyone being cruel to her. I could see tears threatening to spill out of her eyes and it made me mad at my folks once again for making any situation where she would want to cry.

She finally just pulled my head to her and cradled it against her chest and then she did cry. I wanted to comfort her, to tell her that it was okay now and I was okay and that she made things okay. But I couldn't. I couldn't speak at all, it seemed. It was probably because I was crying too and it felt damned good to just be held and be safe and to know that I'd never fear harm from this woman.

There's a lot of talk nowadays about a person's inner child and most of it sounds kind of whiny to me but when you're hurt as a kid, there is a little bit of you that kind of sticks there and it is almost like there is this little kid just crying for love or comfort or something. It also sort of skews your view of love and trust when the people you should be able to trust without question, hell the one's you don't have a choice but to trust, betray that trust. I knew Al and Emma loved me like I was a son to each of them but being a son to someone doesn't mean they won't hurt you. It means they shouldn't but it don't mean they won't. I can testify to that. I know I was slow to trust Joanie and I never had real reasons to doubt her but it was still hard to trust anything. That night though, I got the best Christmas present I think I ever got. I learned to trust in someone. Honestly I think it was the power of that knowledge that I wouldn't be hurt anymore, that I had one person to trust in the world, I think it was that more than the pain of the past that had me crying so hard. We didn't even unfold the bed that night. We just sat there on the davenport with her holding me and both of us crying until we were all worn out and fell asleep.

Um...yeah...I don't even know where to begin with this chapter...to talk about it anyway. I hope it just sort of speaks for itself. I do wonder what Jimmy wants to be when he grows up or what he wanted to be when he was little. And I wonder what he will be...Like I say a lot, I know a good deal of this story but not nearly all of it.

I do want to say that if you are engaged in certain (ahem) activities on a sofa bed, you have to be very careful about weight distribution lest the bed start folding you into the couch. Just saying...

So this weekend was like the best sports weekend a Detroit fan/Michigander could ever have. Spartans beat CMU, Wolverines beat SDSU, Tigers split the series with Baltimore and worked a little more toward homefield advantage to start the playoffs. Lions were down 20-0 at the half against a team they hadn't beaten on the road in literally over a decade and they came back in the second half and won the game in Overtime. Red Wings in preseason won their game against Chicago (Yucky! Booooo Blackhawks!) in a shoot out. Very good times.

Well, please let me know what you think of this chapter. And I don't always offer this because there isn't always room in a story for it but if there are things you would maybe like to see, let me know. There are things that are for sure happening but there is a lot of time and space to cover and not everything is mapped out. Oh and Noah will be here eventually. I promise. He serves a great purpose in this tale. I wouldn't expect to see Rachel though because I don't have the space for her. Though there might be Jesse...not sure...he might be useful. Anyways, let me know what you think, good or bad and I do love you all for reading along and taking these journeys with me.-J