A few blocks from Emma's I pulled over and turned to Joanie.
"You don't have to do this," I told her, "I can take you home, whichever home you want."
She shook her head. That woman fought so hard to be strong sometimes, like she had something to prove or something.
"You fought him off," I said, "You can hold your head up."
She shook her head again.
"I told you," I said quietly taking her hand. "Whatever happened in the past don't mean nothing. You were just a kid and he took advantage. He's the creep. And besides, you don't have to say anything about any of that. It's none of anyone's business."
She looked at me with those big, dark brown eyes like she was pleading for this all to be true and it was true.
"Hell, it wasn't none of my business either really," I told her, "You never had to be as open about all that as you were."
She took a deep breath.
"Let's get there before dinner gets cold."
I put the car back in gear and drove the rest of the way but I kept an eye on Joanie the whole time. I can't believe I let this get so out of hand. I should have known she wouldn't want to break up, I should have known there was more to it. Damn, one call to Sherry and I probably could have stopped all that madness. Maybe that's so and maybe it wasn't but it was what I was thinking at the time. I know she was thinking it was all her fault too but I knew that was wrong. There was nothing she could have done too different. He was just a jerk. But I know I still carried guilt for getting beat when I was a kid too so I guess it's just a natural thing to think we bring stuff on ourselves when we don't.
I stopped the car in front of Emma's and heard Joanie suck in air and then hold her breath.
"You sit tight," I told her. We'd been together a good long time and I didn't always still run around and get her door for her anymore.
I don't think she was about to move anyway but I went around and opened her door and crouched down next to her.
"Can you look at me at least?" I asked and she raised her eyes to me. It took everything I had not to wince at that ugly purple surrounding her eye. Stan better hope I never met him in a dark alley. I held her hand and just rubbed the back of it for a little bit. I heard a door open behind me and Al yell out.
"Unless you're proposing, you ought to get on in here."
Even Joanie gave a little chuckle at that. The tension was broken for that moment and she nodded at me that we could go in. She leaned on me heavy all the way up the walk and had her head turned toward me so no one would see her eye clearly.
We walked in as Emma appeared in the doorway between dining room and living room.
"Dinner," said Emma and her smile faded as she caught sight of Joanie. "Can wait."
Sam turned from the chair he was sitting in nearest the door and I can't even say how he looked. It was mad and sad and sorry and I don't even know what all. I'm sure it was a look he had to haul out a lot at work but it was never an act for him. He really felt that way about people who was wronged. I sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Al and figured Joanie would follow and sit next to me but she just stood there. I reached for her hand to pull her over but she snatched it away before I could reach her. Sam spoke and I could tell he understood what was going on.
"Joanie," he said softly and in that same calm tone he used when he talked to Emma the night her house got broke into. "Maybe you'd like to go on the porch for some air."
She nodded.
"Could I come with you?" he asked. I kind of just sat there marveling at how he was talking to her and how she seemed to relax just a little with every word.
"Yes," she said in a near whisper. He stood but then waited for her to make the move toward the door before following and keeping a distance behind.
I went over and sat on the bottom step of the staircase that led upstairs so I could hear what was going on and run in and rescue her if she got upset. I really didn't need to worry. This is what the man did for a living and he was damned good at it.
The two of them sat on the swing and just sat there quiet for a while before he spoke really tenderly to her.
"What happened?"
I wasn't sure she'd answer at first and she was quiet for a bit and then the whole story came tumbling out. She didn't mention the full nature of her previous relationship with Stan but she said he was an old boyfriend and went on about the calls and following her. You know these days he could have been arrested for that alone. They have laws against stalking since that actress out in Hollywood got killed. He never interrupted her, not even to prod her story when she paused or anything. Finally she got to what had happened the night before and I don't know how Sam sat there so silent. I know he'd heard and seen worse before but this was someone he cared for and I know he did. I think he was as much in need of a family to care about as Emma was and we all filled that need. He was always so kind to Joanie and I know even then that he thought of her as a, well I don't know if it was like a little sister or niece or even a daughter but he cared for her. Still he sat there without moving or commenting until her story was all done. I think it was the first time she talked about it without tears.
Even when she finished talking he didn't say anything. I wondered what he was waiting for. After a couple moments of not saying nothing, Joanie started to talk again. He knew she would even though most wouldn't have.
"I can't sit there," she said and then she did cry but I knew Sam had her and was starting to feel like she didn't always need me coming to her rescue or maybe that she didn't need rescuing at all where she was.
"It doesn't make sense," she said, "I should feel safer sitting there but I can't do it."
Sam finally said something.
"Of course you can't," he said, "If you sat there you'd be between two men with another one between you and the door. Part of you knows that we'd never hurt you but part of you is still so afraid and just trying to survive that you can't feel safe like that."
I let my head fall against the spindles that led to the banister. I kept listening though to see what else Sam might say or Joanie. I had no idea what was going on and I thought maybe I could learn to help her. I'd have to talk to Sam maybe later too.
"This is pretty normal stuff to feel, Joanie," he said, "You're scared and you have the right to be. I can tell you I won't hurt you and I know you know that but you see I also brought you out here where you can get away if you're scared."
"I'm sorry, Sam," she said and I wished she'd quit being sorry all the time.
"No need," he told her and I started hoping he would decide to marry Emma. I liked having him around. "Now what do you want to do?"
"I don't understand," she said.
"Do you want to press charges? I know a few of the boys in Ann Arbor," he told her, "I could give one of them a call for you."
"I don't know if I could do that," she said and she sounded so scared of the very notion that I almost ran out there. I'm glad I didn't though.
"I won't lie," he started, "It's a tough thing and it takes a lot of courage. I could feed you the line about taking a stand for all the women who can't speak for themselves and I believe that line, I really do but asking a woman to go through that is asking an awful lot. You'd have to tell a lot of people and if it went to court, well, I don't think I have to tell you that the blame gets put on the woman."
It was quiet again for a minute and then Sam spoke again, "Have you talked to your dad yet? He'd know a lot more than I would about the legal stuff."
"I can't tell daddy," she said, "Or mom. They're dealing with too much right now and I just can't."
"You told me," he said, "I love you like family, Joanie but they really are your family. I can't tell you what to do, honey, and I won't try but if I can offer some advice, I think you should talk to your dad. Will you think on it anyway?"
"Yeah."
"You want to come in and get something before Emma throws a fit about dinner getting cold?"
They came in and Joanie looked over to where I was sitting. She looked at her feet as she walked by. We made sure Joanie was sitting somewhere at the table where she felt safe and we had a nice meal even if it did feel like there was a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the dinner table. Al looked in pain every time he looked at Joanie's face and Emma looked a lot like she might cry but she didn't, and it wasn't like she was blinking tears or anything. It was a look pretty far back in her eyes and you'd have to know Emma a good long time before you'd notice it but she was hurting.
After dinner Joanie offered to help Emma with the dishes and I caught a glimpse of the two of them standing in the kitchen with Emma's arms wrapped around Joanie and Joanie just sobbing. I think I saw a tear or two escape Emma too.
I found the men on the porch and sat in one of the wicker chairs out there and just dropped my head into my hands. It had been a long day. In less than twenty-four hours I had gone from thinking my girlfriend hated me and wasn't even my girlfriend anymore to where I was now which was trying to figure out how to help her through this.
Al put a hand on my back, "How are you holding up, son?"
"I can't help thinking, 'Where the hell was I?'" I told him, "But I know I was home moping about my hurt feelings while this creep was following her and calling her and…"
I didn't even want to say what else he was doing while I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I think Al wanted to say something but it was Sam who spoke.
"Jimmy," he said, "Will you listen to me a little bit?"
I nodded.
"I know Joanie's dealing with guilt right now," he held up a hand to silence Al who hadn't ever been through anything like this and wanted to say how Joanie wasn't guilty of anything. "I know you've probably already told her it wasn't her fault." I nodded. "It's not yours either. You couldn't have known because she felt so bad that she couldn't tell you about it."
"But now she doesn't even feel safe with me," I whined and yeah it was whining, "She doesn't trust me to protect her."
"That's not why she didn't feel safe," he said, "She was leaving the library and there was no sign of the man she had to fear so she felt safe and then she wasn't. Joanie's in a frame of mind where she feels she needs to fight for her survival all the time. She's still in that panicked state where she doesn't know what could come out of the woodwork at her. She's looking at every situation and wants to know where her escape route is."
I just stared at him. She didn't need an escape route if I was there.
"Have you ever heard anyone talk about fight or flight?" Sam asked me.
I shook my head.
"I guess it was first noticed in animals but people are a kind of animal too," he started, "Basically when threatened we have to make a choice over whether we run away or stay and defend ourselves. Most animals, humans too, will run if they can. Joanie couldn't run last night but she did a damned good job of fighting. Thing is that she doesn't trust any situations even the ones she knows are safe. Being in a room with men is scary and will be for a while. She needs to know she can run if things get scary. I'll bet if you ask her she can tell you everything in grabbing distance that she can use as a weapon if she can't flee."
"She's afraid of me," I said.
"No," he stated, "She's afraid of men and of situations she can't control. I deal with a lot of women after things like this happen and I've spent a good amount of time talking to shrinks about how to talk to these women. Control is everything. She lost it and she needs it back."
"God, I want to kill him," I growled.
"You got plenty of company there, son," Al said putting his hand back on my shoulder. "Ain't no woman should be done like that."
I got up and went back in the house I found Joanie still back in the kitchen with Emma; she was drying while Emma washed.
"Need help putting away?" I asked, "I know that platter goes on that shelf you can't reach, Emma."
She smiled at me and then looked at Joanie who smiled and nodded. I walked in the kitchen. I had been standing outside the door for fear I'd scare Joanie if I walked in. I know she couldn't help it but it upset me a lot that she was scared of me and needed to know she could run. I put the platter up and Joanie put her arms around my waist before I could even put my arms down. She didn't say anything, just clung to me like a life preserver. I lowered my arms and wrapped them loose around her shoulders.
"You can hold me tighter than that," she said.
I didn't want to tell her how afraid I was to scare her worse but I did tighten my grip.
We sat on the porch for a little while and talked before Joanie leaned to me and whispered in my ear, "I'm tired, James."
"Sweetie," I said aloud but softly, "You can say you're tired out loud. I don't think you're apt to offend anyone."
We stood and Emma hugged Joanie real tight and said something to her I'm pretty sure the other men didn't hear but I was nearly attached to her so I did.
"You know I'm here if you need anything, right?"
Joanie nodded and I was proud of her because she hugged Al and I could tell she didn't just hug him because it was expected. She looked fine with it. And then she hugged Sam which she didn't typically do and I think he was surprised but then pleased.
"Thank you Sam," she said.
"You have my card?" he asked her and she nodded.
"Anything I can do for you," he said real serious, "Do not hesitate to call me."
I shook his hand. I don't know how either one of us would have gotten through the whole mess without him. I feel bad for anyone dealing with it that doesn't have a Sam Cain to turn to and I don't just mean a man with the knowledge he had, I mean him. He was a gruff sort and seemed rough on the surface but he had a real tender heart and a lot of compassion. If I didn't care so much about making this story make sense, I'd tell you just how tender a heart and how much compassion but that chapter is much later in this tale and it'll just mess up my whole train of thought if I try to get to it now.
Joanie and me got in my car and I realized I had no idea where I was going. Things were so messed up right then. I knew most Thursdays I'd take her home but sometimes she knew she didn't have class on Fridays and she'd stay at my place and then on that night I knew even if she didn't have class, she might not be up for a sleepover. I turned to her.
"Where am I taking you?" I asked.
"Home," she said.
"You know you have three places that fit that description," I told her, "Which home?"
"Can I come over to your place?"
"You can always come over to my place," I said starting the car and heading it in that direction. "That's why I gave you a key."
We got to my place and Joanie actually led the way and opened the door before I reached it. I think she felt good to be away from campus and when it was just the two of us she didn't seem that afraid of losing control of the situation. I didn't like hearing Sam's explanation at the time but the more I sat with it, the more grateful I got to understand it. I still tried to keep an open route to the door for her. I could see her survey the place and even though she seemed more relaxed than I had seen her, I knew what she was doing.
"That vase that Emma gave me is pretty heavy there and you know where the knives are in the kitchen probably better than I do," I said and even when she looked at me like I was plumb crazy I went on. "Plus, my old switchblade is in the table by the bed. I can put it in the one by your side of the bed if you want."
"I don't understand," she said but it wasn't very sincere.
"I know it's not personal and I promise not to make you use any of them on me but you want to know what you can use as a weapon," I said and then added, "You want the blade for your purse? I don't carry it anymore."
"I don't know if I could carry something like that," she said.
"Think about it and just take it if you think it'll help you feel safer."
She nodded and sat on the couch while I got us a couple of bottles of Stroh's.
"You thought about what Sam said?" I asked, "You know, telling your folks?"
"Zaydeh is really sick," she said, "He might not get better. They don't need this right now."
"Neither do you," I said, "But you might just need them."
"I don't think I can," she said with finality.
"You still should talk to someone who knows the law," I told her, "Maybe you could talk to Aaron's dad. He wouldn't go to your dad if you didn't want him to, would he?"
"I don't know," she said but I could see her turning it over in her mind.
"It's just an idea," I said, "You just let me know. You know I'll come with you if you need anything at all."
"I'm going to take a shower," she said getting up.
I nodded and drained the rest of my beer and then cleared the bottles to the kitchen before heading for the bedroom. I had just gotten my jeans about half off when I heard the first thud. Then there was another and another. They all came from the bathroom so I went in to make sure she wasn't hurt. I had heard once about someone falling in the tub, just slipped and fell, and hit his head and died right where he fell because when he hit his head it made it bleed so much. I rushed in and saw her silhouette crouched in the tub hugging herself and crying. The thuds, I discovered had been shampoo bottles and the like being hurled at the door. I was careful to avoid them as I crossed the bathroom floor.
"Joanie," I called, "I'm here, I'll be right there."
I pulled the curtain enough to get in the tub with her. I sat down in the tub in my underwear and t-shirt and pulled her to me. She didn't give me any resistance and I just held her to me until we were both getting wrinkly fingers and toes. I shut off the water and got out of the tub and then lifted her out. It was a bit of a chore getting us dried at all but I managed. I carried her back to the room and pulled on some clean underwear and then found one of my t-shirts for her. She was still crying and I didn't know if she was going to stop any time soon or even at all. I pulled the blankets over us and held her close to me. I smoothed her hair and rubbed her back and pondered all the ways I could make that guy pay for causing this kind of grief to my sweet girl. I wondered how long she'd cry out of the blue and when or even if she would be alright again. It's a helpless feeling and not one I'd wish on anyone else.
Yeah...it's like that...Um, actress referenced when Jimmy is talking about stalking laws was Rebecca Schaefer (I think I spelled her name right). Guy (crazed fan) stalked her and walked right up to her house and shot her and killed her as she left for work one day. And what Joanie was going through is called hypervigilence. I don't know if it had that name then or not. It's a symptom of a lot of mental problems and one of those is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which didn't exist as that then. I think they still called it shell shock though it once was known as battle fatigue so it was something that was still typically only associated with returning soldiers. But trust me when I tell you there are a lot of traumatic things a person can go through without entering into battle and PTSD is very real and to be expected for someone who's been through what Joanie has. And her obvious anxiety issues aren't going to help a great deal.
Parts of writing this are very healing right now as our family is going through so much crap but other parts are harder to write because of it. Reliving PTSD in all its glory is kind of the mental equivalent of picking a scab and with our own legal battles possibly mounting, I do not relish Joanie going either to her dad or to Mr. Shapiro to talk legal crap. Pressing charges was harder then because there wasn't DNA evidence so there was no, hey lets see if she scratched him and compare DNA with the skin under her fingernails or anything like that and it was still an acceptable and permissable defense to say she asked for it. He could bring up their past-in detail-and have her followed to find out how much time she spends with Jimmy and even get the girls from her dorm the year before to testify to any knowledge they have of her sexual activities. Basically, she's not a virgin and they used to date so he can make her look like a total slut and even call Jimmy's character into play and use it against Joanie. It was sort of the dark ages then. I'll relate a story from roughly that time. A woman who was in a loveless and abusive marriage-and I mean physically, emotionally and sexually abusive marriage-and who also had knowledge of her children being physically and sexually abused went to a lawyer. She was looking into the possibility of divorce. Even though he was abusive and even though he was an alcoholic and even though he was hurting the children too, she was told that if she divorced him, she would lose the kids and they would either go to him or end up in foster care. Yeah...but you've got to remember, women only had the vote for about 40 yrs at that point so we hadn't had much time (with as slow as things move in government) to make the changes that needed to be made. Things are better now. Unless you are an autistic teenager. Let me know what you think.-J