It was uncomfortably quiet all the way to my place and I was grateful we were close so it wasn't drug out any longer. We got inside the apartment and sat on the couch. I didn't know which one of us was supposed to start the talking and if it was me I sure didn't know what to say. It stayed quiet like we were strangers on a blind date or something. Finally I had to say something.

"You know I never want to hurt you, right?"

"You never have," she said.

"Yes I have," I shot back, "Only once was it your body I hurt and I tried real hard not to. The rest of the times I hurt your feelings and I sometimes wonder if that's not worse. Either way I've hurt you plenty and I don't want to pile onto the pain he caused you."

"I don't know what to tell you about this," she said and I could hear her voice start to catch and see her eyes shine with the moisture there.

"What do you want me to understand? What do you wish you could tell someone, anyone? Tell me everything," I said.

She sighed and then looked around the room and then at me but just as quickly she looked down before speaking.

"I don't want to hurt you," she said and there it was, she was trying to protect me.

"Sweetie," I said as gently as I could while wishing I had killed Stan. "You won't hurt me because this is all about what he did to you. I don't want to make this about me because, I just don't."

Yeah best not to explain that if we make it about me there would be some giant guilt trip heading her way about things she couldn't control. And I wouldn't have admitted it then but anything she said was going to hurt me plenty but then looking in her eyes those days did the same thing so I figured I'd just live with it.

She sighed like she was going to speak but then she didn't and just looked around the room again like a rabbit cornered by a dog and looking for a way out. I reached to her purse on the floor and handed it to her.

"I know the knife is in there," I said, "Get it and hold it. I know you won't ever need to use it on me but maybe it'll help you be not so scared."

She did what I said and it did seem to calm her down. I was trying to remember what Sam had said about giving her control back. I snapped my head up when she started talking.

"You know how people say that someone took their dignity or self-respect or things along that line?"

I nodded.

"That's bull," she said, "There are things that can be taken and things that can't. He didn't take my virtue or my dignity though I have seemed to misplace them. You didn't take my virginity although that's the way people talk about things like that. I gave it freely. Of course that is something that can be taken by force I suppose. Dignity, virtue, honor, self-respect; these are things you can give away, lose and I suppose even sell but they cannot be stolen through force or anything else."

She paused and I could see how hard she was fighting to not dissolve into tears.

"I still have those things even if I'm not sure how to find them all the time," she said bitterly, "But there are things that can be taken by force. He took my peace of mind, my sense of security and I'm not sure those things come back when they've been taken like mine were."

"I don't know if he stole my joy or if I lost it but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I try so hard and it's just not there," she said and the tears that had threatened began to fall over her lashes while she kept talking. "All I have left is fear and anger and hate. I try to be with you and at least find pleasure but it's like being dead inside. I love you and I want you and I want what we had. I want to be safe in your arms again and I want that pleasure you used to give me. I want it so bad because I think I could handle the sadness and the fear and the blinding rage if I could have that blinding pleasure back. I think I've become frigid."

"I doubt that," I told her, "I just think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to get there and not just letting it happen."

We talked a lot more and there was a lot more to it than what she said at first and I knew that before she got into it. Stan had told her that if a guy got, you know, aroused and didn't finish that it would cause him some injury. That's a line some guys use and I probably did once or twice too but it's not true. We'll get through it without permanent damage. It's not comfortable or anything but it's possible to get over the arousal. And when it's not then there's always the option of sneaking off to the bathroom and taking care of things yourself. She was preoccupying herself so much with following through that she wasn't relaxing and just enjoying being touched or held or anything else I was trying to do for her. I finally got her to understand that it wasn't going to break from me not getting off and that she didn't even have to want that to want to touch me and be touched by me. There was a voice in my head yelling the whole time that I shouldn't say what I was saying and reminding me of all the cold showers I'd probably be in for but if anything I told her got my Joanie back, got her to at least feel safe with me, then that voice from below my waist could just stuff it.

She'd been on the far end of the couch from me gripping my knife so hard her knuckles were turning white but as we talked, she quit gripping it so tight and once I finally got through to her that I wanted everything in her control for a while she scooted across the couch toward me and rested her head against me.

"Am I less scary now?" I asked.

"I always knew I didn't need to be afraid of you," she said, "I just, well, I don't know how to explain it."

"I understand," I told her, "When I first started hanging out at Al's and I met Emma; I spent a fair amount of time flinching away from the both of them. Al can be gruff sometimes but that man wouldn't strike a child and that's all I was at the time and surely no one could ever fear Emma. But I did. It took me a good year or two to trust that I wasn't going to get beat or something."

"I forget," she said, "You do know what I'm going through."

Well, things got a lot better after that talk and I made sure to thank Sam the next time I saw him. I don't mean they just got better in bed though they did. I did end up needing a couple of cold showers but getting control back soon led to us getting something real close to our old sex life back.

Zaydeh Cohen passed away and I know I had learned all about Jewish mourning and all when I was studying for conversion but that was my first close and personal look at it. I understood in my studies all the ways the mourning rituals were meant to honor the person who'd passed on but going through them helped me understand the comfort they could give to the bereaved as well.

After that mourning period, Joanie set to helping Emma with her wedding plans. It turned out a real nice wedding. I know Emma missed Kid and Lou being there but getting away from the Army even for a little while isn't all that easy and the wedding of a person who is like a mother to you isn't enough to get that pass. The rest of our bunch was there though and some of Emma's lady friends from church and the other side of the aisle was made up mostly of Detroit's finest. I was the one to walk Emma down the aisle just like I said I would. We was standing at the back of the church waiting for it to be time and Emma was pacing like a Tiger at the zoo.

"Emma," I said to her, "Why are you acting so nervous? You aren't having second thoughts are you?"

"Not about marrying him," she replied.

"Then what?" I asked.

"It's, well, it's nothing."

She might not have been able to say it but I understood. For something that is such a regular part of our lives, it sure does cause a lot of anxiety.

"He's a gentle man," I reminded her, "He loves you and he'll be patient."

She smiled at me and blushed a little that I had figured out the cause of her worry.

After that wedding things settled a lot for all of us. I worked days and went to school nights. Joanie dove back into her schoolwork and every time I saw her she was a little closer to the old Joanie. She was still a little jumpier and more cautious but she got her joy back more and more and was scared less and less.

Chanukkah came and went and then Christmas. We all sent packages to Kid and Lou and the little ones. I think it goes without saying that we wished they could come home for the holidays but it just wasn't meant to be that year.

Bill Cody came home for the holidays though. Of course East Lansing is a lot easier to get back from and school shuts down. I think with Kid and Lou being gone and the other guys moving forward with wives and babies and even Emma getting married, that it meant more to me to be able to see Bill sometimes. He was doing real good up at State and had decided to major in journalism. I can't say it was a huge surprise. He was a good storyteller. TV news was still a new industry but the way the girls flocked to Bill I figured he'd do alright on TV and he was a good writer if he did to that type. He really wanted to be the next Walter Cronkite though. While the rest of us were asking him about his classes and such, Emma was busy badgering him about finding a nice girl. It wasn't for a lack of trying and he was getting more serious what with school and such so I didn't understand either how he hadn't found a steady girl. Well, I guess if you believe in fate then that part will make sense in time.

By the time the Tigers came north after spring training, things seemed so normal it was almost spooky. Not that I wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but we'd had so much chaos and trouble that when things got going good, it sort of felt like you had to brace yourself for whatever might happen next.

Well, then something did happen and I guess in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing compared to some of the other things we'd gone through, certainly nothing to rival what we went through after Stan blazed his path through our lives. It was a Saturday night and I was sound asleep with Joanie right beside me. It had been months since her last nightmare and I'll tell you that she rarely had them after that. I know when you go through something like that it seems like you never get to be okay again and I know she and I both worried about that. I remember her once crying to me that she just wanted her life back but that's another lesson you learn from going through something that traumatic. You don't get your life back. You get a life and you get some say in what it looks like but you're never really the same person again. I had to accept that Joanie would always be a little more aware and she had to accept that I'd always be a little extra protective but we worked through things and like I said, on this night we were snuggled together and peaceful with just that.

The knocking woke me up and I looked at the clock and I will always remember the time because there are some things you just always remember every detail of. It was 2:58 a.m. I rolled out of bed and pulled on my jeans fastening them as I went. I could hear Joanie behind me and knew she was scared because people just didn't beat on your door at that hour. If I know her she probably had that switchblade in her hands too but I never looked behind to notice. I opened the door a little way and saw Sam there so I opened it all the way and let him in. I knew Sam was working the overnight shift that weekend but I still didn't know why he was hauling me out of bed at that hour on a Saturday night. He didn't look happy.

"Hey Jimmy," he said and then nodded behind me, "Joanie." I quickly did look at her and was grateful that for once she was wearing pajamas and not some flimsy nightgown or one of my t-shirts. Not that Sam was going to leer at her or anything but it just didn't seem right for her to be standing there in next to nothing.

"What's going on Sam?" I might have gone with some small talk or even offered him some coffee or something but it was late and I knew there was a real reason he was there.

"Jimmy," he said, "I'm afraid I don't have very good news for you."

"I figured that," I said, "It's three in the morning. You don't pound on people's doors at this hour with good news."

I don't know when she had crossed the room but Joanie was clinging tight to me. One thing that never did change in her no matter what she went through and that was that sixth sense she had for knowing when someone needed comfort. I nodded to a chair for Sam and Joanie and me sat down to hear what this was all about.

"There was an accident tonight," he began and my blood went cold. All I could think of was Ike or Buck or even Al being hurt or maybe even worse. "Your parents are dead, Jimmy."

I didn't even know what to think of that. I hadn't seen them in over three years. They never had tried to find me even though I spent half that time living all of eight blocks from them and all of it working right there. The only things they had truly given me were a few scars and a couple of bones that could predict rain. Still it hurt to hear they were dead. I don't know why or didn't at that time. I just stared at Sam. I know he didn't know all of my conflicted thoughts but he surely knew some of them. There was no way he was with Emma as long as he was without knowing a good deal of my past too.

"I don't even know the right thing to say right now," Sam said, "I am sorry to be the one bringing the news though. I'll be back over when I get off work this morning."

Joanie saw Sam to the door and I saw them share a few words and glances back at me. I just couldn't even move or respond to their looks at all. I think shock would be the best way to describe it. Once she had closed the door behind Sam, Joanie turned off the lamp and grabbed my shoulders leading me back to the bedroom. Joanie reached down and unbuttoned my jeans before sliding them off and guiding me back to bed. She climbed in next to me and pulled me to her resting my head on her chest and planted soft kisses on my head. She whispered gentle things telling me it was alright and she was there and everything would be just fine. I don't know when the tears started but they did start and they continued for quite a while. Through it she just held me and spoke soft and soothing and kissed my head and face.

Sorry for the absence folks but this chapter nearly kicked my tuchus. I rewrote it at least 3 times. I finally went off and wrote a different story for another site where my stuff gets published. It was a ghost story and lots of fun to write. Once I finished it, I felt more like I could face Jimmy and Joanie again. I'm really interested to see how Jimmy gets through the emotions. Kids love their parents even if the parents are crappy and probably a part of him thought there might be some sort of chance to confront them or even reconcile and maybe they'd be nice and supportive and maybe even meet Joanie and like her but sometimes those chances don't come.

So, in other news, the Red Wings picked Nick Lidstrom's 1500th game to decide to fall completely apart. If they could have made it at least close but they lost 7-1. So ticked off at them. But then my Lidstrom sweater was needing a washing and I couldn't very well wash it while they were on a winning streak. But the Spartans won...on a Hail Mary pass at the very last second of the game. Had to go to video review even but they won. Very exciting and quite the way to go on Homecoming and that leaves them undefeated in the Big 10. So Yay Spartans! And the Midland Chemics (my high school) won against the cross town rival Dow Chargers on Friday night. So that was wonderful! 38-13 is a very decisive win, I think.

Still working on resolving all the issues with my son but I really appreciate the kind thoughts. We should have everything settled Tuesday afternoon so that is good.

I guess that's all from this end of things. I love you all and hope this chapter worked because I am still not entirely sure. I mean it gets me somewhere I needed to get to but not sure of it entirely. Of course I am insecure sometimes when I don't need to be. Anyway, let me know.-J