I might've slept a little in all that crying but if I did it wasn't much. Joanie just held me and I let her but then that's how it's supposed to be. I held her when Zaydeh Cohen died and she held me then. I know I was a mess when Sam came knocking in the morning. Joanie looked at me and told me to go splash some cold water on my face and she went to answer the door. When I came out of the bathroom she and Sam was sitting at the kitchen table over coffee. I sat down.

"Did you tell Emma you was coming here?" I asked, "If you're not home when she expects you she's going to think the worst."

"I called Emma," he said, "She's much more worried about you right now. So am I."

"How did it happen?" I asked and I'll say until the words passed my lips it hadn't occurred to me to even wonder.

"Car accident," he replied, "It appears both of your parents were drunk. Your dad was driving and he wrapped the car around a light post. He died at the scene and your mom in the ambulance on the way to the hospital."

"They didn't hurt anyone else, did they?"

"No," he said.

That was good that they were keeping their damage path limited.

"You're going to need to get them buried somehow," Sam said to me, "There's a lot of options there though. I don't know if you're up to talking about them but the morgue is ready to release the bodies whenever you want."

I nodded for him to continue.

"You can claim them and bury them somehow and you know we'd all help you out with that," he began, "Or you can refuse to claim them and eventually they'll go to Potter's Field."

"Can I think?" I asked. I was still settling into the idea they was gone and I wasn't sure how I felt or what I wanted.

"Yeah," he said, "You have a few days."

Then he stood up and said, "I'd better be getting home to Emma." He put a hand on my back before he headed for the door though. "You call us if you need anything."

Joanie followed him to the door and I could hear her thank him for stopping by and then she hugged him before he left. I just sat there. I didn't move. I couldn't; all I could do was sit and stare into my coffee which was getting cold and I couldn't even bring myself to care too much about that.

I didn't hear Joanie come over to me but I did feel her arms go around me so I guess I could still feel though I wasn't so sure for a while if I could or if I wanted to.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be," I said, "It's not supposed to hurt like this. I don't even know why I care."

"You still loved them," she told me as she led me to the couch where she pulled me onto her so I could rest my head against her chest like the night before. "As long as they were still alive there was some kind of hope for them to come around."

"How could I still love people who did those things?"

"They were your parents," she said like I should have figured it out myself and I guess I should have. "You were still hoping for their approval, their love."

I knew she was right. I would sometimes think about seeing them again. Sometimes I would think how I would yell at them for all they did to me, for how they hurt me. Other times I thought of how maybe I'd see them at a store or something and they would run to me and embrace me and say how sorry they were and how they loved me. Now neither of those things would ever happen. It was an empty sort of feeling and I wasn't sure what to do with it at all.

"What should I do?" I asked her.

"I can't tell you that," she said, "Only you can decide that and I can't know everything you're feeling so I can't even guess at what I might do in your place."

I gripped her back tight and just laid there for a while and I think I was taking comfort in knowing someone loved me and that she knew I loved her.

"Is it bad I don't want to deal with this right now?" I asked.

"No," she said, "I think today can be a day of not dealing." She paused and thought for a minute, "If the weatherman was right it's supposed to be nice today, Belle Isle?"

It was a perfect day for Belle Isle with the trees just budding out. Sometimes it seems strange that there can be so much life right alongside so much death but on that day I was grateful for it. I needed to be reminded that life soldiered on no matter what problems silly little humans was trying to deal with. I tried to put it out of my mind that my parents had just died. I couldn't even use the words passed away or something else that gentle. It hurt and I could only think of hurting words. It is funny the years I considered myself an orphan and there I actually was and you wouldn't have thought it would hurt. You would have thought that it would have only been making official what was already understood. It wasn't like that at all. I wasn't sure what I was grieving really because it couldn't have been what I had.

"Penny for your thoughts," Joanie said as we walked along hand in hand.

"How can I miss them?"

She sighed and the psychology class she's had earlier that school year took over.

"You don't miss them," she explained, "You miss the idea. You miss that dream of what they could have been to you and what you could have had with them. As long as they were alive there was a chance even if it was slim to none."

I nodded. I know it was supposed to be a day off from dealing with what to do about the reality of my parents' bodies lying in the morgue but somewhere between the fresh air and spring blossoms I felt clarity.

"I think I should bury them," I said.

"Then that's what we'll do," Joanie said as she squeezed my arm tighter.

"You're not an orphan you know," Joanie said out of nowhere and I wondered how she had read my mind.

"What?"

"An orphan has no parents," she said, "You do and you have for years. Al and Emma are finer parents than most people get, I think. And you have a nice big family with your brothers and sister and sisters-in-law and nieces and nephews. And you have me."

I stopped and thought for a minute and swallowed hard to get rid of that lump I got thinking about those people I was so lucky to have in my life. I looked down at her and knew that Mr. Jagger was right about one thing. Even when we didn't get what we wanted or what we thought we wanted, we still got what we needed. Good old Mick was a great philosopher sometimes.

"You are really all the family I need," I said and I saw the effect those words had on her. For all the talk of marriage and even how far we were at that time to me actually taking a knee, that was the moment I proposed even if it wasn't in a question and even if there was no answer out loud from her. I know that was it and so did she.

There wasn't a lot more talking that day but then the big decisions had been made and there wasn't a lot of need to talk about them. In the later part of the day we headed over to Emma's. I was feeling a little clearer in the head and felt the need to be around my family. Joanie was right. I tried sometimes to scoff at those babies being taught to call me 'Uncle Jimmy' but deep down it felt good. I loved getting letters from little Theresa that started "Dear Uncle Jimmy". The fact was that once I thought about it, they were my brothers and that made me an uncle. And Emma was my mom for any purpose that mattered. When I had court dates when I was a stupid punk ass kid, Emma was right there for me every time. When visiting days came while I was in juvie, Emma was the one who came with cookies and hugs. Al saw past the tough talk and attitude and put me to work. He trusted me with keys to the shop and even with the cash box. He gave me advice and made sure I got a lawyer when I got into trouble. Buck and Ike spent afternoons shooting the breeze with me, giving advice and asking for it too. Kid and I were the only ones we had for a long while. No one else knew what we lived through and few would have understood anyway. Joanie once again was right and right then I needed my family.

Emma was getting Sunday dinner around when we arrived and I knew from experience that we were always welcome and there was always plenty and room at the table besides. I walked in and immediately was greeted by two wobbly little ones reaching up and saying some garbled version of "up". Well, what kind of uncle doesn't pick up his niece and nephew? Lisa was a little over a year at that time and Timmy, well, he wasn't quite that old but he walked early. I think he felt the need to keep up with Lisa. She was way better at walking though while he looked like he'd been on a three day bender.

I scooped up the babies and was rewarded with sloppy baby kisses. I tried to play off like I didn't want them to but I always loved how babies just shower that affection on without any reservation and that day I needed it more than most. Joanie was about to offer to take one of the babies but that way she had of knowing what I needed kicked in and she satisfied herself with planting kisses on each of the three of us and heading for the kitchen to see if any of the women needed help with anything.

Buck spotted me first. He was always the observant one and noticed things others didn't and when Ike moved to offer to take Timmy from me Buck stopped him leaving Timmy in my arms drooling and babbling at me. There's something really pure about the love that kids that young give. I usually was less comfortable holding them than I was that day. Once kids got a little bigger and could talk and stuff I was pretty good with them I thought. Theresa and I hit it off real quick and she was maybe seven when I first met her. Judy was tough to deal with at first but I think at least half of that was a test that I wouldn't have understood if it had been explained at the time but I surely did by then and I appreciated it. I felt like I didn't have to look out for Joanie all by myself all the time. So kids I was fine with but too often babies scared me. I think I was worried I was going to hold them wrong or they'd start crying and I wouldn't know what to do. It gets a little easier once you get your own just out of repetition. I still get panicked if I'm alone with a baby that starts crying though, even with enough experience to know the things to check on and do to make them stop. That day though I was too grateful for the slobbery kisses and their chubby little fists grabbing my shirt and their sweet little half word babbles that they were making in my ears to even think if I was holding them wrong or something. I guess it was another reminder of how life prevails no matter what. You get a lot of reminders like that through your life if you look for them and if you pay attention you'll find they are always there when you need them most. I think they're reminders to trust in God.

The men was all sitting there looking at me like they weren't sure what to say to me, what would be right. I just ambled in and sat down with the babies on my lap. They were content enough for a couple minutes and then wanted down to roam around. I wiped the side of my face.

"Timmy cutting another tooth?" I asked Ike and he nodded.

"Jimmy," Buck started in all serious but I stopped him.

"Today is the day off from dealing with it," I said, "Joanie said I was allowed that though I wasn't too successful. Just 'cause I wasn't dealing with it didn't stop me from thinking about it."

"How are you doing, son?" Al asked me.

"Right at this moment not too bad," I answered honestly, "Last night and parts of today I was doing pretty lousy."

I looked over at Sam, "I'm going to bury them. I don't know what all I have to do but I guess I'll work at starting to figure that out tomorrow. It seems the right thing to do and I think I need to do it for myself."

"You going to need a week off again?" Al asked referring to the time I took to sit Shiva with the Cohen family.

"Nah," I said, "They weren't Jewish and I know I'm still sorting stuff out where they're concerned but I don't see myself saying Kaddish for them. I might need a little time for arrangements and then the funeral or whatever but that should be all."

"Oh you poor dear!" was all I heard before Emma ran over to me and hugged me tight. I hugged her back and it felt so good but it hurt at the same time. What I had in that moment with Emma was all I had ever wanted from my own mother and if there had ever been a chance for it then it was long gone now. And I whispered in her ear too low for anyone else to hear and I'll tell you what I meant to say or what I thought I was going to say and it was, "I'm fine Emma." But that's not what came out. What I actually said was, "I'm fine Mom." It took everything I had not to shed the tears that sprang up right then and I doubt the family I had sitting in that room would have said a word if I'd let them fall. I hadn't called even my own mother 'mom' in so long the word almost felt foreign to me. Even before I left I had taken to just calling her 'Polly'. And I hadn't even seen the woman in years. Emma deserved the title, from all of us but I felt more so from me. She did for me what even good mothers probably wouldn't have. I know she said it was because I reminded her of Edward and maybe that was part of it but if it was only that she would have turned her back years before. I'm sure more than once she had to have thought of what a blight I was on his memory. She never strayed from me, never failed to give me a smile or a hug or even a swat upside the head when I needed it. When everyone else was at their wit's end with me, she found patience. Joanie was right, she was my mom even if she didn't give birth to me and even if I came to her mostly growed. If I am any kind of a decent man and I'd like to think I am, it's because of her.

She pulled back from me and took my face in her hands. I could see the tears standing in her eyes too.

"Thank you," she said softly and then added even softer so no one else heard, "You know I love you, right?"

I nodded and thought it an odd thing for her to say but then over the years I have come to understand it. As much as she was making sure that I knew I wasn't alone, that I wasn't an orphan, she was also making sure I understood that I was worthy of love. Might sound strange to you but when you're raised like I was, you sort of doubt that on a real basic level.

Emma kissed my forehead and then stood and told everyone that dinner was ready. She headed for the dining room wiping her eyes. I walked behind her and took my place at the table with my family and I never again would think of them as anything other than real family. Blood may be thicker than water as the saying goes but love is far greater than blood.

Well, hello again. Nice to see everyone. I am in a much better mood since writing my scary little tribute to Halloween. *sigh* Nothing clears your head quite like the refreshing breezes of a haunted town. I wonder if Stephen King has days this happy and productive when he's working on stuff or if he goes and writes some other strange something since horror is his bread and butter. Hmmm...

Okay, trying not to think of how bad the Lions looked. I know some of it is due to having virtually no running backs. One has a concussion and another they tried to trade for a better player but the trade fell through when the physical the other team gave him showed a brain tumor. Bad for the team but probably saved the man's life so all in all good that they tried ton trade him. Still team needs a couple good RB's. But the rest of my day was quite nice indeed. My lovely, charming and beautiful step-daughter called to let me know to keep my calendar free for dress shopping with her for her wedding next summer. So fun and exciting. And then my sister-in-law came over to my in-laws where we spend our Sundays and she brought her two grown children and the oldest, my niece brought all of her kids so I got my baby fix today and my hug fix as well because the one that's not a baby-my great-niece-is a hugger. And I got my kissy baby fix too because teh younger of the babies is a little smoochie-poo. Oh I cannot wait to have my own grandbabies but until the knot is tied for those two I doubt it will happen and that's probably for the best too. But I still look forward to grandbabies so I can stop having to borrow my sister-in-law's.

So let me know what you think good or bad and I think I know the next chapter pretty well too so that should be up in another day or so. Oh wow...first today was all kinds of beautiful-nice colors on the trees and sun shining in blue skies-and now a nice thunder storm. I think it's time to turn in so I can enjoy the light show:-)-J