I hate funerals. I don't know anyone who likes them but I really hate them. I know all the stuff we pray over and over that it is about God's will and there is a plan but frankly they are morbid and kind of disturbing. We got through it though and I stayed after the graveside bit to see them lowered into the ground. The whole family had been there, my family I mean. I don't know if my folks had anyone else in the world but if they did, they either don't read the obits or they didn't care enough to come. But that's alright. Mr. & Mrs. Cohen came too along with Judy and Eli and Naomi Shapiro. They had a younger son too, Dan and he was there too even though he'd never met me before. I told them they didn't have to come but they did and I really can't say how much that meant.
Now I say I hate funerals, and it's really just the standing around while the shell of your dead loved one sits in a box before being stuck in the ground that I find bothersome. I understand the need to grieve and I've been to a few things in my time called memorial services where pictures are looked at and there is a focus on the good times and not the sadness. I'm fine and all with accepting God's plan but I'd much rather spend my time being grateful for the time I had than mournful over the time I won't have any more.
Joanie was the only one who stayed behind with me and that was fine because I wasn't all comfortable with what I knew I had to do for myself and if there had been anyone else there, I wouldn't have done it. I watched the caskets into the ground and then Joanie quietly went and asked the workers if I could have a moment alone before they filled the holes in. I sat on the ground between them and cried.
"I should hate you both," I said to them, "I should curse you both to Hell and I probably should have let you both get tossed into unmarked plots at Potter's Field. I didn't do this for you, you know. I did it for me and I did it for my kids I might have someday. Don't expect to see me here saying Kaddish and putting stones on your markers though. Don't expect to see me at all. Of course that'll suit you just fine won't it? You never wanted to see me at all anyway, did you? I was just a kid, a baby really. I was your baby. Didn't that mean a damned thing to either one of you? Well, not like you give a crap but I've got things going right now. I'm back in school and have a clean record. Oh yeah, thanks for showing up and speaking for me in court. Wait, that wasn't you, was it? That was Emma and Al. I've got a girl now too; a nice girl. She's smart and funny and loves me which is something you never did. If all I had gotten out of life was what you two taught me, I wouldn't have her. There's no way I'd be a man who could deserve her coming from the two of you. Emma taught me how to treat a lady. Al taught me how to be a man. Check out now and that's just fine because I'm no orphan. You hear that? I am not an orphan. I am a good and decent man and people love me because I earned their love. I shouldn't have had to even try to earn yours but you just couldn't give it. But guess what? I still love you. How crazy is that? You beat me within an inch of my life more than once, threw beer bottles at me, locked me out in the winter when I wasn't even ten years old but I still love you. That just wasn't good enough for you though was it? Nothing I did was ever going to be enough. If I finish school and become a doctor or president of the freaking United States of America, it wouldn't be enough for you to even say you were proud. Hell it wouldn't have been enough for you to say anything but 'grab me another beer', would it?"
I paused and tried to catch my breath and wipe my eyes a little. Joanie knelt down next to me never minding her skirt on the soggy spring ground and she hugged me tight and cried along with me.
"Tell them everything," she said, "Don't leave anything out, my love."
"Not much more to say," I told her but then turned back to face those two plots where the earth yawned open waiting until it could swallow them up. "Except that you'll never know what you missed. You spent your lives hating the world and making it hate you back. You were angry and miserable and you could have known such joy. Hell, maybe I even could have brought it to you. We'll have kids someday and you'll never see those grandbabies. You wouldn't have seen 'em even if you didn't try to drive hammered. I wouldn't have allowed you to try to poison them like you did me. Now I don't have to even concern myself with it." I stood and dusted off my pants.
"God only knows what you were thinking half the time or why you did the things you did," I said, "It's all in His hands now."
I put my arm around Joanie's waist and led her from the graves and toward my car that would take us to Emma's. She was having people over like you do after funerals though there weren't many people to come and they weren't there out of any tender feeling to the deceased. I knew they were all there for me. I knew I had my own family but to think that Mr. Cohen and Mr. Shapiro cared that much was something I wasn't prepared for. It's one thing once we're married to come to something like that and I wouldn't have been surprised had they sent a card or flowers but to come, that was true feeling for me.
I was on the porch getting some fresh air when Judy came out to sit for a while. I looked up at her and gave what I could of a smile which wasn't much.
"You escaping the crowd too?" she asked and I nodded. She plopped herself on the swing next to me and it surprised me when she threw her arms around me. She'd hugged me before but usually it was when she greeted me or when we parted or when she was upset and needed my comfort. This hug was filled with a desperation to comfort me. I couldn't help but hug her back. She was a good kid even if sometimes she went out of her way to be a pest.
"She told you all about them, didn't she?" I asked.
"Not all about them, I'm sure," she said, "But enough."
I sat there for a while with my arm around her before she spoke again.
"You are going to marry her, aren't you?" she asked.
"I'm pretty sure," I answered, "Yeah."
"Good," she told me, "I like having a brother."
"Well, you know I'm not marrying her for you," I said teasing her a little, "But I kind of like having a kid sister too."
"She's about to fall apart again, you know," she told me. I did know. It was almost the end of the semester and she was getting close to having to declare a major. You can declare as early as you want but typically you have to declare by the time you start your junior year. It's just too hard to get to all the classes you need when you're still flailing around without focus. She'd had a lot of classes she liked and could see ways to help people with them but she didn't know what to do and the pressure was starting to get to her. I was about a year and a half in and technically a sophomore even though I started after her. Starting in the summer helped. I knew I was going to have to come up with a major too soon and was just as clueless as she was.
"I've got it covered," I told Judy, "I have finals week down to a science now."
"I know you do but I'd be a lousy sister if I didn't nag you about it."
I laughed at her and squeezed her. She had that same awareness her sister did and knew I needed to laugh a bit.
"Don't even tell me you're thinking on trading younger?" Al said from the doorway.
"You know me better than that old man," I said.
"I do at that," he said, "Whatever anyone else might say about you, you're loyal as the day is long."
"He better be," Judy said getting up to head inside and leave me to talk to Al, "Or he'll be floating in the Detroit River."
"I love you too, kiddo," I said and I know there was sarcasm in how I said it but I meant it too.
"Do all you need to do at the graveside, son?"
"Yeah," I said and suddenly the street looked real interesting even though there wasn't anything there to see. "Hadn't chatted with the folks in a while. I think we're about caught up now."
"Glad to hear it," he replied, "See you tomorrow morning?"
"First thing," I told him, "I'll have the coffee one when you get there so you can fully enjoy the paper."
"You always were a pain in the neck, you know that?" he said as he stood. I stood too and I think I've never been more shocked in my life than I was when he pulled me to him. He didn't say anything but he didn't have to. I understood.
Joanie came home with me that night. I know she was worried about me. Not like, thinking I was going to do myself in worried but worried I might drink myself into a stupor or spend a night crying with no one to hold me. We got in a she cracked a beer open for me before I could even think of heading to the kitchen and then she went to get ready for bed. We weren't headed there right then but she had been dressed for a funeral for a very long day and I know she wanted to get out of her skirt and stockings and get into comfortable nightclothes. I had just rid myself of the tie, jacket and even the dress shirt and was working on the belt as well so I could sit on the couch and be comfortable too while we maybe watched a little TV, when the phone rang. I shuffled to the kitchen and picked it up.
"Hello."
"Are you okay? I can't believe you didn't call me."
"Hey Kid," I said and I settled into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "I thought about calling but it's crap news to give over the phone and there wasn't nothing you could have done anyway."
"I know," he said and I felt bad for not including him but then I know he didn't want to make me feel bad. "So, I know you've probably been asked this enough times to make you scream but I'm not close enough for you to punch me, how are you doing?"
"Well, you're allowed," I said, "But if one more person asks me that I might just deck them."
He laughed and then I could hear him get serious.
"Damn," he said, "Hard to believe Polly and your old man are gone."
"I know," I agreed, "How did you hear about it anyway?"
"A little bird in East Lansing gave me a call and mentioned it," he told me, "That's not why he was calling. He calls every now and then anyway."
"Good old Billy," I said, "So how are Lou and the kids?"
"Theresa's like a different little girl here," he said with all the pride of a father. I know Theresa was technically his sister-in-law but she was just a little girl and someone had to raise her after all. "She was always a good kid and pretty smart too but she's got so many friends here. I've never seen her this confident. It took a while to get over their mom dying but I think it was almost as much a weight off Tess as it was off Lou."
"I could tell as much from her letters," I said, "They're so cheerful now and she always sounds excited about something or another."
"She just dotes on Bobby too," he went on, "I worried that she might feel slighted to be in such need after her mom and all and then he would get so much attention but she showers more on him than anyone I think."
"I can't believe the last pictures you sent," I told him, "I mean I should because he's only a month younger than Lisa and she's walking and babbling and stuff but him not being here it seemed like I could freeze him in my mind as a newborn. But I guess he's just going to grow whether I'm there to watch it or not."
"Seems so," Kid said, "Sometimes I go to work and I am sure he is even bigger when I come home at night."
"And Lou," I pressed, "How's she doing?"
"She was nervous at first but the other wives are all really nice and they welcomed her right away. They took one look at her belly and decided to throw her a baby shower. The ladies all get together and those with real little ones let the babies play together while the older kids are in school. I know moving away was hard on her but she's finally settled. You should see her with Bobby. I know it doesn't fit in with some of the women's liberation stuff your girlfriend goes for but it's almost like she was born to do this."
"I think my girlfriend is a lot softer on some of those issues than you might think," I informed him though I could understand why he'd said it. Joanie was passionate and rarely let others see how conflicted she was.
He laughed a little knowing I wasn't getting offended or anything. Sometimes what I missed most with Kid gone was having that one person it was effortless to talk to. I could almost get there with Joanie and even Judy but they were women for one thing and would never entirely think like men and they hadn't known me practically my entire life like Kid had.
"How is Joanie?" he asked tenderly and I had a feeling someone had informed him of all we had gone through. I guessed Emma. I had mentioned briefly and sort of in passing about it once on the phone but I hated saddling him with stuff like that when he couldn't do anything and besides it was during some of the hardest times when I wasn't sure what was proper to say.
"She's great," I said and she really was. I could see the subtle differences between before and now but I don't think many others could. "I wouldn't have gotten through the last few days without her."
"I'm glad. I know some of the stuff you went through and not just that jerk that hurt her," he told me, "Her grandfather dying and all of it, poor girl. She's got two more years or one before she's done with school and you can get married?"
"Two," I answered, "Sometimes I wonder how we're going to make it. But somehow we will."
"Thank God you finally got over all that thinking she was going to run off with some college boy," he laughed at me. Enough time had passed that it was fair game between us. It still wouldn't be okay to tease about in front of the other guys for a while.
"Nah," I told him, "She didn't have to run off with one, she turned me into one."
"You're still slogging your way though night classes, huh?"
"Yeah, I said, "This fall I'll transfer and start taking them at Wayne State."
"Well who would have ever thought that?"
"Who indeed," I laughed back.
"Hey, Lou wants to say hi real quick before she sets to tucking the kids in bed," he said and I heard the phone shift hands.
"Hey Jimmy," Lou said and she did sound happy. It did my heart good to hear them doing so well.
"How are you, Lou," I asked.
"Pregnant," she replied and then giggled.
"That man of yours just can't keep his hands to himself, can he?" I asked.
"I don't think it was his hands that were the problem," she said matter of factly.
"Well, congratulations," I said.
"Thank you. Oh a certain ten year old just hollered at me to say, 'I love you Uncle Jimmy'."
"You tell her I love her too," I said.
"I will," she said, "I'm going to hand you back to Kid so I can get her to sleep and see about getting Bobby to sleep too. He's been so fussy lately."
"Take care of yourself Lou," I told her and then heard the phone hand off again.
"She wanted to tell you herself," he explained.
"That's great news," I told him and meant it. Somehow our bunch was going to make it and have nice families and do good things in spite of how we was brought up.
"Yeah, he said, "We'll be able to make it home for Christmas this year and we should be bringing an extra with us this time. She's due in November."
"You still going to be able to get that pass this summer too?" I asked. He'd been in a little while and had been promoted a couple of times so he could get away more than when he was new.
"You bet," he said, "I can't wait to see everyone."
"We can't wait to see you," I told him and knew it was time to hang up. I always dreaded that part. Maybe it was because those talks with him was so rare or maybe it was that I still hadn't shaken that feeling that something bad was going to happen and I was just scared half to death that whenever I talked to him it would be the last time I ever heard his voice. I don't know but I hated ending a conversation.
"I'll be there before you know it," he said, "Send my love along to everyone there and give that girlfriend of yours a hug from me and for God's sake, give her a ring from you."
"In good time," I laughed, "In good time."
"You know I'm still here for you," he said suddenly serious, "I always will be. Like all those times when your ma locked you out and you slept under my bed or before my dad ran off and he would beat my mom and I could cry to you 'cause you knew how it felt and you wouldn't make fun. I'm still here."
"I know," I said, "I know you are and I'm still here too."
"I'll talk to you soon," he said.
"Yeah," I answered, "'Til then."
I don't think I have too much to add to this. Except that writing the graveside speech in the middle of a Tim Hortons while my son met with his therapist a couple tables over was maybe not my best plan ever. I am less than 12 hrs to the big meeting at school and dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. Love you all and let me know what you think.-J