I made my way out to the porch where Al and Sam was shooting the breeze before Emma put dinner on the table.
"Well, if you don't look just like the cat that swallowed the canary," Al said to me, "Out with it, son."
"I don't know what you're talking about old man," I said and I was barely able to not burst out laughing. I had little enough good news to share and news like this wasn't anything I ever imagined having.
"Oh come on now, Jimmy," Sam said, "I don't know you near as well as he does and I know you've got something to say. From the looks of you it's something good too."
"Yeah," I said playing nonchalant, "I wanted to tell you to keep your calendars free in June of '64 'cause you have a wedding to go to."
"So you finally quit carrying that rock around in your pocket?" Al asked.
"Yep," I said puffing my chest out a little, "Joanie's carting it on her finger now."
Well they both slapped me on the back and shook my hand and every other thing that men do to avoid hugging when that's probably what ought to be done. It is more now, the hugging, but not then.
We sat down to dinner and I realized there was extra room at the table.
"Where's Ike and Buck?" I asked.
"Lisa and Timmy are both sick," Emma answered and she sounded real worried about it. I didn't really understand. I know most everyone thinks of winter as cold season but spring in a place like Michigan is far worse. You can start a day below freezing, have it get to close to 70 and then be back below freezing by the time you go to bed. The number of times Joanie sent one or all of our kids to school in layers knowing they'd be down to short sleeves by the time they wandered home amazed me. Weather changes like that cause a lot of colds. I figured they must have more than the sniffles though.
"Well, it is cold season still," I said, "Or do they have something else?"
"Measles," Sam spoke up and I could see the word cause what looked like physical hurt to Emma. I know she was thinking of Edward. These days hardly anyone thinks about measles because of the vaccines and all but at that time we was about a year from the first measles vaccine being available. Back then measles was like chicken pox and you just knew at some point you were going to get it and once you did you couldn't get it again. I guess now they even have a shot for the chicken pox so's you don't have to deal with yelling at itchy kids for scratching no more. And I know that's not the only reason they vaccinate against that. Kids can die from chicken pox and even if they don't, I guess the virus never leaves once it's there so technically you have all the chicken pox relatives living in you forever. Not fun stuff in there either. But those little ones didn't have chicken pox, they had measles and that was kind of worse. Mumps was bad but most I knew did alright with them aside from being uncomfortable for a while but measles and rubella which we usually called the German measles could get real ugly and any of 'em was bad when someone so young got 'em. But those kids was healthy as the day was long most of the time so I thought Emma was maybe overreacting. It's not like they had the polio or nothing. Now that's something to fear. Seemed no one got free of polio completely. Either they died or they were crippled. I never heard of no one getting out with nothing to show for it if they got out of it at all.
I just kept quiet. I figured they'd be fine. I'd had measles myself and they were no fun. I remember having a fever that had me seeing all sorts of crazy stuff for a day or two but then it broke and I got better. It was actually a pretty good memory. Polly stayed sober enough to make me soup and fuss over me like a real mom would. I guess that right there says all you need to know about what it was like in the Hickok home when I was growing up that the best memory I had of my mom was when I was sick as a dog.
Well, I really didn't give little Timmy or Lisa much thought for another few days until Emma came by the shop to bring me and Teaspoon some lunch. Her face was real strained and I knew something was bothering her but I didn't know what exactly until she said something.
"Jimmy, do you have a class tonight?"
"I don't," I said, "Did you need something?"
It was strange of her to ask much anymore since she was married and had a husband to do most stuff for her.
"Sam's putting in some overtime on a case or I wouldn't ask," she explained, "But I wanted to know if you could drive me over to the hospital when you get off work this evening."
"Emma," I said, "Are you feeling okay? I can take you now if you're sick or something."
"It's not me," she assured me, "Ike and Annie just took Timmy in. Lisa's fever broke a couple days ago but little Timmy just can't seem to get better."
"Yeah sure I'll take you, Emma," I said and I was really getting worried. To still be running a fever and need to get to the hospital was a big deal. Of course he wasn't a year old yet either and things like this could be rough on a kid that young.
Well I took Emma over to see how everyone was holding up. Al even let me off just a little early so I could take her.
We rode the elevator up and found the room. Annie looked like she hadn't slept in days and I think she probably hadn't. Ike didn't look much better. They were sitting next to a metal crib just looking at the little guy. He was awake I think but he was just laying there limp and kind of drowsy and sleepy looking. Emma hugged the both of them and I just sort of hung in the doorway not knowing what to do. Ike wandered over to me and I wished there was something, anything I could say to comfort him. We all knew how serious this was and to even think as gentle a soul as Ike was that he was looking at the real possibility that his boy wasn't going to make it to his first birthday. What the hell do you even say to someone in that situation?
"Can I run and get you something, Ike?" I asked him, "Coffee or something?"
He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there and at the same time like he couldn't bear the thought of leaving little Timmy. He smiled sadly at me and seemed to make up his mind.
"I could use a walk," he said, "Want to come with me to the coffee machine?"
I put an arm around his shoulders, "Sure thing, Ike."
"He's so tiny," Ike said once we were clear of the room. "How can this be happening to him?"
I was struggling to understand it myself and later that night I got into a pretty good one sided argument with the man upstairs. I was grateful that questioning is allowed for Jews because I sure did a lot of it. There was a lounge down the hall and we sat there a while and talked. He said Buck had been up earlier in the day. Lisa was doing just fine and looked to be making a full recovery. I knew Ike was happy about that and I was too but there was nothing that was going to make the fear and hurt over his own boy go away. I was only getting a glimpse of what fatherhood brought and whether it was a scary sounding cough in the night or a high fever or the first time they need stitches or break a bone, we all get that look at some point. It's the one that asks 'why me?' and 'why my child?' The fact is there ain't a good reason for it. Things just happen and the bad stuff don't only happen to old folks or the ones who do bad things. Sometimes it happens to nice people and little babies that can't be bad yet. It's awful helpless sometimes being a parent. It's a blessed thing too, don't get me wrong but it's tough and it'll put you right through the ringer.
We stood to go back and I couldn't help myself. He was a brother to me, after all. I pulled him into a hug. I fought the tears as I spoke to him. I know he was feeling this far worse than I was but I loved that little guy too and seeing that sweet chubby cheeked red headed child who was always so full of smiles for me just laying there not even able to move and with his eyes kind of just half shut and glassy looking was near to killing me.
"He'll be alright," I said and hoped I was right.
I drove Emma back home and then went back to my empty apartment, or what should have been my empty apartment. It wasn't empty though, Joanie was there.
"How's he doing?" she asked when I walked in the door. I looked at her weird so she explained, "Carol called me.
"They can't seem to get the fever to break," I said, "He's so little and helpless, Joanie."
She hurried to me and hugged me tight.
"I know," she said softly, "He'll be alright though."
The way she said it was more question than anything else. She was constantly turning over the gold star around her neck too like she did when she was real nervous about things and also like when she needed that comfort that things happened for a reason even if we couldn't always see the reason at the time.
Well, I'll make a long story short here and say little Timmy McSwain put all of us through the ringer for the next couple days. Even Al made the trip to the hospital. He'd never had kids but for looking out for us and Timmy and Lisa and even Bobby were the closest things to grandkids he figured on ever having. Finally the fever broke and Timmy got better. It was a while before his strength was back entirely but he was up and chasing Lisa within a couple weeks. I've never seen someone so relieved as Ike was the day that fever broke.
Now Timmy got better and the measles was gone never to mess with him again but something changed in Timmy after that. He was the same smiley child as before and had his dad's gentle nature just like he always did but something was different all the same. It wasn't until he went for his check up near to his first birthday that anyone figured out what the change was. He wasn't babbling and making little attempts at words like he had before. The doctor checked him all out and the measles had left but they took little Timmy's hearing with them. Sometimes life is just flat cruel and this was one of those times. Like I said, parenthood can really do a number on you.
I'm sorry. I really am. Poor Timmy, he's so cute...I wish you could see what he looks like when I picture him. Poor, poor Timmy...and Ike and Annie and all of them. Damn. I'm a horrible person.-J