"How's Jesse settling in, Emma?"

I was standing in her kitchen. It was a Sunday and Joanie and I were there for dinner. Joanie was fussing over Timmy and learning whatever signs he had just picked up. She'd teach them to me later. I went into the kitchen saying Emma would probably need some help reaching the high shelves. She might but she'd call someone if she really did. I just wanted an excuse to see how Jesse was doing and how they were doing with him.

"I love him, Jimmy," she said beaming, "I think I did from the moment you brought him here. It was like God heard my prayers and sent him to me. I wanted another child but it just hasn't happened and now I think it's past happening. Then there you were with that poor little urchin. He's so tender to me, like you and Kid always were."

"You bring out the best in people, Emma," I said, "I never doubted you'd take a shine to him. How's he doing with Sam?"

"They just don't seem to connect," she said sadly, "I think maybe they're scared of each other or something. Sam tries sometimes but he seems lost and then Jesse just retreats to his room. It's like there's two different boys. He's so sweet when it's just the two of us. He talks to me and opens up. He tells me everything, what kind of music he likes and that he's nervous about school starting in the fall. But then Sam comes home and we sit through silent suppers and then Jesse goes to his room and I don't see him again until the next morning when he's Mr. Sunshine all over again. Weekends are near to unbearable."

She sighed and collected herself as if I hadn't just gotten a glimpse of how worried she really was.

"It's a new situation," she said forcing a smile, "I'm sure I'm expecting too much too soon."

"That might be Emma but maybe I can talk to Jesse," I told her, "I've been working with him a little while now. You just keep doing what you're doing and don't try to force anything. I think he'll come around in time but putting pressure on him won't help."

"I'm trying not to," she said and there was more emotion in her face right then than she usually allowed.

"I know," I said pulling her into a hug, "I also know it's hard to see two people you love so much not taking to each other. You're doing things right Emma. Just be patient and let me see what I can figure out. I have a couple ideas what might be the problem."

"You always were a good boy, Jimmy," she said patting my arm.

"No I wasn't."

"You were," she argued, "You just didn't always know it."

It wasn't too long after that I picked up my mail and saw a letter from Theresa. Those were always a good thing. I was still trying to set up an office at the school and get ready for the school year to start. It wasn't going to be too long by then and I was going to have actual students looking to me for guidance. I wasn't at all sure about that idea. I mean, it's what I wanted to do and all but at that point I wasn't feeling any too confident. I thought at one time it was enough to understand and be there for those kids but Jesse's slow adjustment was just one more thing reminding me I didn't know all I thought I knew.

Still the loopy writing on the envelope brought a smile to my face. I still had letters from her with that wobbly block lettering she was using when they first moved away. By eleven years old she was writing in a very loopy girly style and Lou was even buying pretty pink stationery for her to write on. I grabbed a beer and settled down on the couch to read the latest news from a sixth grade perspective.

"Dear Uncle Jimmy, How are you and Aunt Joanie? I am fine, I guess. Bobby's being a pest today but I guess he's alright too. Jack is cutting a tooth I think so he is crying a lot. Louise is a little upset about that I guess. More upset probably about Kid. He's got to leave soon. I knew he would have to eventually. A lot of the kids at school have dads that are already there. He kept saying that maybe he'd get to stay and work at training people or something but I guess we kind of knew that wasn't going to happen."

I set my beer down and leaned forward resting my arms on my lap to read the rest. I was trying to find another possible meaning in her words, anything they might mean besides my brother going to war.

"I'm not supposed to say anything. Louise and Kid fight all the time about calling you. She's mad he hasn't already and threatens to dial the number at least five times a day. He says he doesn't know how to tell you over the phone. I wish he would call you. I hate that he's going to leave soon and they're wasting their time together fighting. Besides, I'm scared. I know he's not my dad but I never had one of those and he's awful close. I don't want him to go, Uncle Jimmy. Louise is going to be so sad and we'll be so alone. I want to come home. I miss you and everyone else there. I know we're supposed to be strong so the soldiers can have our support when they go but I don't think I'm that strong.

"I have to ask a favor. Please call here. You can even say I wrote. I know he'll be upset but I don't care. I need them to stop fighting and he needs to talk to you. I think he's scared to go without saying goodbye but then I think he's scared to say goodbye. I've never seen Kid scared before. I don't know what else to do. I should go now and mail this. I miss you so much. Please give Aunt Joanie a big hug for me and tell her how pretty I thought she looked in her wedding dress. I haven't gotten around to writing to her to tell her myself. Love, Theresa."

There was no other meaning. I knew that. I also knew that Kid was at work right then and I couldn't call him. Still I had to do something to keep myself busy. I decided I'd go see about Jesse. I wasn't in the greatest mood but since I couldn't do anything for Kid right then I thought I'd see about helping the rest of my family. Jesse was like a distant cousin that came to visit at that point but eventually became something like a kid brother. I knew that's what Emma wanted anyway. I found him working away at the garage and Al looked up and nodded when he saw me.

"Jesse," Al said, "Why don't you go on and take a break?"

Jesse looked about ready to protest but then he saw me and smiled.

"Sure thing, Al."

"Come on, Jesse," I said putting a hand on his shoulder, "I want to show you something."

I led him up the stairs and past what used to be my sorry excuse for an apartment.

"That's where I used to live," I said, "You've got it a little better, I think."

"Being on your own must've been kind of cool."

"Not getting beat on was kind of cool. Being on my own was nothing new," I explained, "I didn't know I could ask Emma for what you have. It didn't occur to me that anyone would want me."

I kept going up the stairs until we came out on the roof.

"So cool," he said looking around, "I didn't know you could get to here."

"I spent a lot of time up here," I told him, "It's a great place to get some thinking done. You didn't hear this from me and if you repeat it to Emma I will find a way to make your life a bigger hell but it's good for other things as well."

"You brought girls up here?"

"Only one girl," I said, "Only one. I proposed over there and it was up here I kissed her the first time too."

"So why are we up here, Jimmy?"

"I'm guessing Al gave you keys to the place," I said and he nodded. "Then this can be your place to come and think. A man needs a place to get off alone and think. Just be careful who you share it with."

"I will," he said and then looked like he was pondering something. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Does Sam hate me?"

"I don't think so," I replied, "I would doubt that he hates you. Why would you think that?"

"He acts like he doesn't want me there," he said, "Is it because of the trouble I used to get in? He's a cop and all."

"I used to get in trouble too and he knew that from the get go," I told him, "Sam's a more reserved guy, Jesse. I'll talk to him for you but I'm pretty sure he's just not sure of how to act around you just yet. Emma's so happy and he doesn't want to risk messing it up by saying or doing the wrong thing."

"Maybe," Jesse said.

"Well, I should be heading on home," I said, "I promised Joanie I'd make some dinner tonight so she doesn't have to worry about it. So enjoy the roof, just don't spend too much time hiding from Emma. You'll break her heart."

"I won't."

I headed for home and once I got there I got a little dinner going. I knew it was getting a ways after five by the time I put something in the oven and I could call Kid anytime. That dread feeling was getting even stronger and every time I even thought about picking up the phone I felt like throwing up. I had to though. It had been a while since we'd talked and Theresa had asked me to. I couldn't let her down. She needed this and I knew Kid and Lou did too. I dialed the number. Lou answered.

"Hey Lou, can I talk to your husband for a minute?"

She handed the phone over and I wondered if she knew why I was calling. She sounded relieved though because she figured he'd have to tell me.

"Hey Kid," I said trying to keep the emotion from my voice. It was harder and harder to do as the dread crawled through me. I had felt for so long that something terrible would happen with Kid and that feeling had never subsided. In fact, it had only grown stronger.

"Hey Jimmy," he said and he sounded so very tired. "I've been meaning to call you."

"Really," I said and I tried to sound like I hadn't already heard. This would go better if he didn't know that I already knew. Besides, maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"I hate telling you something like this over the phone," he said sighing, "I don't really have a choice though. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I've known a while now. I just didn't know how to tell you of all people something like this."

"Kid," I said understanding that I had been right about my earlier conclusion. The tears sprang to my eyes and I wanted all at once to hit something and break down crying and pull my brother into a hug. "Just say it. You're scaring me."

"I'm getting deployed, Jimmy."

"I don't," I began, "I mean, I don't even know what to say."

"I know," he said, "I'd like to think it'll be a short war but it's been going on a while now and I don't know how much difference US involvement is going to make. God, I'm terrible to even say that. I know we're capable of going in and taking care of this quickly. Anyway, I'll be home after a year and then I can choose an assignment somewhere else. I shouldn't have to go back."

"Just a year?" I asked and I know I was crying hard by then and I'm sure he heard it but then his voice was shaky too.

"Yeah," he said, "One year tour and I shouldn't have to take another."

"You know you have to stay safe, right?"

"I know," he said, "I have far too much waiting for me here. Can I ask a favor, Jimmy?"

"Anything, Kid, you know that."

"I need you to call Lou and Theresa from time to time. Just make sure they're doing okay," he said, "I know Lou can take care of herself and all but I'm sure she could still use a friend through all this."

"You know I will. You do something for me too. Drop a line every now and then and let us know you're safe."

"I will," he assured me.

"I should let you go now," I said it but I didn't want to. I would have paid any long distance bill if staying on that phone would have kept him stateside, kept him safe. "You know you were the first family I had, right? You're my brother. You have been since we were too little to even know any different."

"I do know. You're mine too," he said as his voice cracked, "I will see you again, you know."

I wanted to believe that. I really did but there was that feeling that this was the last I'd ever hear of his voice. I wanted to scream at him to find a way to not go.

"I'll hold you to that," I said, "Until then?"

"Yeah, until then."

I hung up the phone and sank into a chair at the kitchen table and let my head fall into my hands and wept. I didn't hear Joanie come in and barely took notice when she told me there was smoke rolling out of the oven. I guess I didn't smell it either. I think I heard her taking the burnt remains of dinner out of the oven but I can't be sure. I couldn't even lift my head to look at her. She pulled a chair over next to me and I guess I heard it scrape across the floor but it was as if it was a chair scraping a floor on the other side of a tunnel. I felt her hands on my face but it was like my skin was wrapped in cotton or something because I could only barely register the pressure. She turned my head to hers and I could see her tears flowing in reaction to seeing mine.

"Talk to me, James, please," she begged.

"Kid's going."

"Going?" she asked, "Going whe-oh no, not-he's being deployed?"

I nodded. I remember little of that night. I know Joanie held me for a while and neither one of us cared at all about the ruined dinner. We apparently lost our appetites once we heard the news. Somehow I ended up in bed and in Joanie's arms. I gripped her back as tight as I could. It suddenly seemed extra important to hold tight to those I loved and never let them go.

I know we saw this coming like a freight train...didn't make it any harder to write.-J