I have to tell you that I was like the walking dead for a few days until I was able to settle into sort of a begrudging coexistence with my brother being sent off to a war zone on the other side of the world. I didn't know then nearly what I know about Vietnam now and I'm damned grateful for that. My dread and worry would have been so bad I don't think I could have functioned at all. Joanie sort of held me up for a week or so and I don't just mean that figuratively. I think for me it was close to what she must have felt when she got the news about Aaron when he was on the freedom rides.

I must have apologized to Joanie about a thousand times for being so weak and helpless but she just shushed that talk right away. I prayed a lot too. I prayed for him, for his safety. I prayed for Lou and the kids too and I prayed plenty for me as well. It felt a little selfish but I figured if I couldn't admit to God that I couldn't make it if Kid died over there then I couldn't talk to anyone at all.

Eventually I couldn't sulk anymore. It didn't stop the fear or the feeling of dread but the fact was I had family around me that needed things and I had a job to go to. I had my office all set up in plenty of time but that didn't mean I felt anymore ready to handle all those kids looking to me for answers that I felt less and less like I had. I learned in time to treasure the not knowing. We never do know the answers and most of the time we aren't any too clear on the questions. Remembering that is pretty damned important when we're dealing with kids. It helps get things in the right perspective and keep focused on what the kids need and not shoving what we want for them down their throats. I did learn in time it wasn't about giving them answers but helping them ask the right questions and knowing they'd find the answers on their own.

I still was shaky in the job at first and it didn't help that Jesse was still feeling like an outsider in his own home half the time. I was able to chat a bit with Sam one day.

"How are you doing with Jesse?" I asked.

"Did Emma tell you to ask?" he sort of snapped, "I'm trying."

"Whoa," I said holding up my hands, "I'm asking because I feel responsible. What's going on?"

"The kid hates me," he said defeated. I know it bugged him. He really prided himself on being pretty good with people and younger people especially. He always had a good rapport with kids.

I tried really hard not to laugh but I couldn't entirely help it.

"You think that's funny?" he asked angrily, "I care about that boy, Jimmy. I really do. We didn't take him in just because Emma fell in love with him. I really care about him. If I could get the chance I'd probably see him like a son. He hates me and that's funny?"

"No, what's funny is that he said the same thing about you," I said, "He thinks you hate him and don't want him there. I knew he was wrong. You couldn't hate a child. I figured you were just having trouble making that connection."

He ran a hand through his hair and down over his face.

"Is it even possible to make that connection with him?"

"It is," I replied, "But it's hard, especially if you're a man."

"It's because of the job, isn't it?" he asked, "Cops killed his friend. His brother's locked up."

"I really don't think that's it," I said honestly, "He has a harder time trusting men. His mom didn't protect him but she never beat him either. Men did and I don't think that's all men did to him either. I'm still not inside the wall enough with him to know all that happened but his body language sometimes and a couple other things make me think that something else might have happened."

"My God," he said and I wasn't sure if he looked defeated, heartbroken or furious. "How can I talk to him?"

"Remember how you talked to Joanie after Stan?" I asked and he nodded. "Whether it was just beatings or something else too, he's the same kind of victim she was. The same rules will apply. Emma's great, Sam but he's going to need a man in his life, a man he can trust. I had Al and he does too but you can be the one thing neither one of us really had, a dad. You can be a real dad that lives there and does all those dad things."

"I want to be his dad, Jimmy," he said and I didn't see Sam show much outward emotion but he was close to brimming over right about then. "I really do. He's a good kid and I'd be proud to call him son."

"You might want to try telling him that."

I think things got a little better after that but it was still strained. Sometimes even when people want to connect it's hard and more often than not, the more you want to connect, the harder it is and they were putting a lot of pressure on themselves.

Once I got myself a little more free of my own funk I became aware that Joanie was in one of her own. School started for her and I admit I hadn't even taken notice of how she was doing with it.

"Is something bothering you, sweetie?" I asked her one day while we were fixing some supper. I did always try to help so the pressure of cooking never fell all on one of us or the other.

"No," she said and then looked at me before the air seemed to go out of her, "Yes. I don't really know and then if there is I don't know what exactly."

"I've been kind of self absorbed lately," I said trying to apologize.

"It's not you," she said, "I think it might be nearly everyone else though."

I looked at her hands and she was twirling the point of a paring knife against the tip of her index finger. I was momentarily grateful that I couldn't remember the last time I had sharpened the knives. I didn't want to make any sudden moves but I reached over slowly and lifted the knife from her hand. She was still sort of staring into space. I put my hands on her shoulders and nudged her to the table where I could get her sat down. I kissed the side of her face and that was the first notice she took of me.

"No," she said, "I should get back to dinner."

"I can finish up," I said, "It's not hard. I forgot you have a lot on your plate right now. I should be helping more."

"James," she said, "It's not any of that. I'm having a good time at school. I think it's the first time I've felt good about school. I really think I can do this."

"I know you can," I agreed, "So it's not me and it's not school, what is it?"

"I guess I'm worrying too much," she told me, "Jesse's struggling and Kid's going away and Lou and Theresa are scared for him and there's something not right with Buck and Carol."

"I already told you Carol's scared about the baby," I tried to soothe her, "Besides, you remember when she was expecting Lisa, she gets a little moody when she's pregnant, more so than Annie."

"I sometimes wonder how you're as good at your job as you are," she said, "There's something else going on and it's not coming from her. Well, maybe partly it is but he's pulled away from her. When she was pregnant with Lisa, he was always right there with an arm around her or rubbing her back or trying to make her more comfortable. He'll get her something if she asks but it's like he's trying to stay away from her."

"I think you're imagining things," I said. I just couldn't fathom that she was right that Buck would try avoiding his own wife while she was pregnant with his child.

"I thought so too at first but I don't think I am," she told me, "And even if I am then there's still Jesse to think about. And Judy's still seeing Dan."

"Honey," I said, "Judy's a big girl and Dan wouldn't dare do anything to hurt Judy. Put aside that his own father would be furious with him, I made sure he knew he'd have to deal with me if he hurt her."

"I still don't like it," she grumbled, "He's had a few girlfriends and I think he's slept with at least one of them."

"I'd slept with other girls before you," I reminded her.

"That's different," she argued, "You were eighteen and so was I."

"Actually when we slept together I was nineteen and I slept with other girls long before I was eighteen. You know that."

"But Judy's only seventeen."

"Closer to eighteen," I said, "And Dan's what twenty?"

She sighed.

"There's more going on than your sister's potential sex life," I noted, "I'm going to keep bugging you until you tell me."

"It better just be potential," she said under her breath and was about to say something else but I cut her off.

"Wait," I said, "You think they already did it?"

"He better not have," she said angrily, "I won't wait for you to kill him. I'll do it myself."

"Joanie, calm down," I said rubbing her shoulders, "You couldn't think she'd stay a virgin forever."

I said the words but as much to myself as to her. I got over her kissing Dan Shapiro. They could kiss all they wanted. They could kiss until their lips got numb and fell off for all I cared but I was not alright with little Judy having sex. Oh, go ahead and call me a hypocrite. Tell me about double standards. All I can say is that in my mind she was still little thirteen year old Judy to me and I was still willing myself not to track down that Rich guy for having the nerve to touch her boobs, even if it was over the shirt only.

"So what is Billy like? I mean really like?"

"Hold your horses there," I said and I swear I was joking, at least partly. "We've been married all of three months and you're scoping out my friends?"

"James," she said and she was clearly not in the mood to joke. "Sherry hasn't dated many guys. She intimidates most of them I think. She's gone out a few times with Billy and I want to well, I guess look out for her. I mean she's not that innocent but he's well, you know."

"He's fascinated by her," I said, "But I need to talk to him about something else too. Just to make sure of something. I have a suspicion that if he lets himself he might find he's ready to stick with just one girl for the long haul and I think too that Sherry might just be the one to make him see that."

"I hope so," she said, "It would be very difficult if I had to hate one of your closest friends."

"Your sister's social life, Buck and Carol and now Sherry and Billy," I said, "You're still not telling me what's bothering you. It's something bigger than worrying for everyone's romantic well-being."

"It's nothing, really," she said.

"I majored in Psychology, remember?"

"I just," she said and I know she was trying to find another way to put off telling me.

"You're afraid," I said as the light dawned on me, "You're scared of me or how I'll react."

"Yes," she admitted looking down. I reached a hand under her chin and tilted her head up so I could meet her eyes.

"Sweetheart, I love you," I said, "I don't know exactly what you're afraid I'll do but I promise I'll surprise you if you give me a chance."

"You won't understand," she said.

"But I'll try."

The tears started forming in her eyes. I was starting to feel some fear myself I had all sorts of frightening ideas of what she might tell me.

"It's, well, it's just that Bubbe's been very ill," she said allowing the tears to fall, "She wasn't well at the wedding and she's getting worse. I think she's dying."

I pulled her to me and held her tight. I might have never gotten along with the old woman but she was my Joanie's grandmother after all and the only grandparent that Joanie still had left.

"It's alright," I said in her ear, "I'm here. We'll get through this."

"You don't even like her."

"I don't agree with her," I said, "But I know she loves you so we have that in common."

"I know she was always mean to you," she sobbed.

"Lots of people are mean to me," I reminded her, "The only problem I had was when she was cruel to you."

I just held her and kept rubbing her back.

Bubbe's death wasn't imminent and I had months of visiting her with Joanie to look forward to. It was never pleasant but then I wasn't there for Bubbe.

A few days after our little talk Joanie and I decided to borrow some kids and go to the zoo. Detroit has a pretty nice zoo and I had never been to it at that point. Joanie said I should before it got too cold for some of the animals. I told her I felt silly being a grown man and going to a zoo so she suggested that we borrow some children. Carol was getting big by then and even a sweet girl like Lisa was enough to wear her out so we thought we'd give her a day off and then poor Annie. Well that woman had no time to herself at all. She was always taking Timmy to one specialist or another and Karen was still real small so that was a lot of work. This was a Saturday so Ike was home and we thought maybe they'd like some time together that wasn't all about taking care of two kids. So we packed the little darlings up in the car and went to see the animals.

Lisa was quieter than normal that day. I mean she was always a sort of quiet child anyway but she didn't even look all that excited to see the animals. Joanie kept trying to engage her while I drove.

"Lisa," she said brightly, "What's your favorite animal?"

"Giraffes," Lisa said so quiet we could barely hear her.

"Those are very interesting animals," Joanie agreed hoping it would spur her on to talk more but it didn't. Joanie gave me a look filled with 'I told you so's' and I just nodded. She was right, there was something going on with Buck and Carol. But still how much of it was my business was still up for debate.

We got to the zoo and first up were the monkeys. Timmy came to life right about then and started jumping up and down and making a motion like he was scratching his armpits. People were looking at us strange and I don't know why because he couldn't have been the first three year old boy to get excited over seeing monkeys and lots of kids imitate animals but then the noises he made weren't typical because he couldn't hear himself.

"That's right, Timmy," I said and signed along as best as I could, "Those are monkeys."

Yeah people looked at me mighty strange for making the same motion but who the hell cares. That kid was doing amazing. Only three and he had a vocabulary to rival any other kid his age and probably larger than most. He was a real bright kid. He just couldn't say those words he knew the same way most other kids could.

"Oh look," Joanie called signing as she did. It was a habit we had to get into when we were around Timmy. We never only spoke or only signed, always both. Eventually he could read lips and he had the easiest time with those of us he grew up around. We were most familiar and he understood our nuances better. "See, the hippos?" She tucked her first three fingers into her palms of both hands so her thumbs and pinkies were sticking out and brought them together a few times. It was a new sign for Timmy. We had been to the library looking up books to find signs for all the animals we would see that day.

Timmy mimicked it and then pointed at the hippos with a smile. Pretty soon all of us were signing hippos and even Karen in her stroller was trying her best to imitate what we did.

"Uncle Jimmy," Lisa said softly tugging on my jacket.

I crouched down to her, "What is it Lisa?"

"I want to show Timmy the lions and tigers," she said and she was so somber. Her dad being closest in the world to his dad made the two of them even closer than the cousins they often considered themselves to be. She usually looked at him like a little brother. She was a few months older and she never seemed to forget that fact. She moved her hands around, "I don't know how to make the signs."

"Well, for tiger you move your hands across your face like you're showing the stripes there and lion is showing the mane. You move your hand back from your forehead toward your neck over your hair like you're combing through your mane with your fingers."

"Look Timmy," she said with the first smile I had seen from her that whole day, "Over there; lions and tigers."

She signed effortlessly and smiled even wider when he smiled at her and started looking for the big cats too. We had a good time and taught the kids whatever signs they didn't know. Lisa still seemed withdrawn to me. I shared a look with Joanie and she walked ahead with the others as they went to see the rhinos.

"I think we should get some ice cream, Lisa," I said placing a hand on her head, "How about you?"

She nodded and it was the saddest nod I'd seen. When you can't even get a kid to smile over the prospect of ice cream, you know there's something seriously wrong.

I ordered us up a couple of cones and found a bench to sit down on.

"What's the matter, Lisa?"

She shrugged and shook her little pig's tails back and forth and licked at her ice cream. The shrug, it really does start early.

"You look sad today? Don't you like the animals?"

All I got was another shrug. She was a tougher nut to crack than the kids at school.

"We missed you last week at dinner," I said trying a different route, "Were you at your grandma and grandpa's?"

"Me and mommy," she nodded raising those striking blue eyes to me.

"Daddy wasn't with you?" I asked. Buck had a new job and he didn't work weekends anymore.

"Nope," she said, "No Daddy. Daddy's mad."

"Mad?" I asked. I don't think I'd ever seen the man angry with too much of anything. I'd seen scared and hurt and protective but never angry. My mind flew to his fears before proposing to Carol. He had been so frightened of turning into the brute his father had been. I tried to push it away. He was too gentle to turn into that but then we were learning a lot about genetics right then.

She nodded, "Mommy's mad too."

"How mad?"

"They yell a lot," she said. That wasn't good and it made me feel bad for the girl and for Buck but no one was getting hit so that was good anyway.

"Mommy has a baby in her tummy," she said.

"I know that," I told her, "You're going to be a big sister in a few months just like Timmy's a big brother to little Karen."

"The baby makes Daddy mad."

I would like to have asked more but Lisa finished her ice cream and hopped off the bench.

"I want to see the penguins," she said taking my hand and pulling it.

So yeah...lots going on in this chapter. Well, learning some sign language was fun...I can say lots of animals in ASL now...youtube is a godsend!

So last night was the annual multi-cultural interfaith party at my house. It was the first night of Chanukkah and we had a houseful. It was wonderful and love filled with lots of laughter and food and merriment. Sometimes we need to be reminded that our riches don't lie in the car we drive or the house we live in or the balance on our bank account. Those are meaningless compared to the love of family and good friends. Still a busy week for me trying to get my baking finished (ugh!) and such before christmas and comtinuing to light the candles every night. I love it. I did take today off though...after making an epic peppermint stick cheesecake and a double batch of latkes yesterday I needed to sit in my pj's all day and do next to nothing. Tomorrow it is back to work making this holiday as festive as I am able. I'll probably post up more before Christmas but for all of you who might be lighting a menorah now, Happy Canukkah! And for my lovelies who are observing it, have a lovely solstice!-J