"We don't talk," she began, "Not really. That's just as much my fault as his. I know that. It's just how things always kind of were. I didn't know how to tell him how scared I was or how unhappy. He was working so hard and I know he was and that it was for us, for me and Lisa."
The tears were starting to spill over but she was blinking hard to try to stop them.
"I was so lonely," she went on, "I didn't know how to say that. I always said it wrong and it only made him feel bad. Then I felt like I shouldn't complain because he was so tired all the time and I think I was making him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband or father or something."
She lifted her eyes from her hands that were twisting in her lap. Those blue eyes were rimmed in red but she had succeeded in stopping the flow of tears. She looked directly at Buck and I could tell her tears still affected him. This wasn't all lost, not by a long shot.
"I missed you so much," she said, "I missed being able to talk about stupid stuff that didn't matter like TV shows or things like that. I missed being with you too."
She blushed and I saw Joanie pat her shoulders.
"We used to, well, you know, all the time," she said, "After Lisa I thought maybe you didn't want me anymore and then I got to thinking you found someone more desirable. I wouldn't blame you a whole lot. I don't think I ever quite got my figure back."
Buck actually spoke up at that.
"You didn't," he said, "You got a better one, curvier."
"It was wrong to assume and especially to assume about you," she said, "You're too good of a man. I can't believe I ever thought for a second that you would do something so terrible. My God, I am so, so sorry."
"Well, you're right I wasn't easy to talk to," he said, "I thought if I could make a better life for us; take care of you that would make you understand. I see how you might've thought I was less interested. It was never true; I was just so damned tired. But how do you make the jump from that to me having an affair?"
"I just, well, you're such a handsome man and surely women would be interested and at least one of them would have to be more appealing than a dumpy housewife with stretch marks on her belly whose best line of conversation is about coloring books or how the baby just found her toes or learned a song."
"Lisa's my favorite thing to talk about," he said looking down. It wouldn't be easy but eventually he'd have to take some responsibility for this situation too. Sure, she was the one who made the big mistake but he was at least partly, if not mostly, the reason she felt all these things. It doesn't make it right but there are two people in a marriage and hardly ever do the problems only come from one person.
I thought right then that maybe he'd calmed down a little but I should have known it would never be that easy.
"I can't believe you're sitting there," he began and his voice got louder with every syllable, "Carrying another man's child with your explanations and your apologies. Do you really expect me to forgive you? Do you think we can just go on and be okay like nothing ever happened with a kid that looks nothing like me?"
He was yelling real good by the time he finished that tirade.
"This is your baby," she said and her hands went protectively over her belly. It was a whisper but it was firm and there was no question in what she said.
"You can't know that, can you?" he bellowed at her.
"I can do math and it's not like we were together that much," she said and there was acid in her tone right then. See, people make mistakes and they usually know that they've made a mistake and they usually feel pretty stupid about it already. Dragging out punishment for a mistake never really does any good except to make them less contrite. She knew she had done something wrong and she felt bad about hurting him but there was no changing it. "I know all the times I was with you and I didn't see him that often either. It's yours, I just know it is."
"I don't see how you can prove that," he said and sank back into the chair. I know he wanted that baby to be his. I know he didn't want some child out there without a daddy. I know he was trying to figure out what to do if that child didn't come out looking like him at all. See, Buck's features were kind of unique. His mom was Chippewa and Buck looked every bit Chippewa. The real thing is that while a feature here and there might come from the other parent, I have yet to see a child come out of someone with Buck's coloring and have white skin. Carol was fair skinned and I learned later the man she had the affair with was also. Lisa was undoubtedly his; the only feature she got of her mother was those impossibly blue eyes.
Carol stood up. I think she was trying to stand quickly and in some dramatic fashion but then she was nearly to her due date by then and no one gets off a couch quickly when they've got a watermelon strapped to their abdomen and that's what I'm told it feels like to be that pregnant.
"A woman knows these things," she said sternly, "Trust me."
That brought Buck back to his feet.
"There was a time I could," he yelled at her, "Before you lied and cheated."
"You want to talk trust?" she screamed at him, "Last time I felt any connection to you or the man you are was when we were dating. I've been like toxic waste to you since I got pregnant with Lisa. I can't trust you at all. I can't talk to you without getting my head bitten off."
She was screaming and crying and I was pretty sure that wasn't good for a woman in her condition. I stood too.
"Carol, you have to calm a bit," I said just before I saw her cringe and her hand fly to her belly. "Are you okay?"
"You're taking her side?" Buck said in disbelief.
"It ain't about sides, Buck," I told him as Carol was rubbing her belly. I turned back to her, "Is everything okay? Do we need to get you to the hospital?"
"No," she said, "Baby just doesn't like when I yell, I guess. It got a good shot into my ribs. It's just kicking, see?"
She took my hand and placed it on her belly and that thing was setting up for a career in soccer or field goal kicking for the Lions.
"Strong kick," I said and then I had an idea, "Buck, come and feel this."
"He hasn't felt this baby kick once," she said bitterly.
He was close enough that I could and did grab his hand. I placed it on her belly and saw the change in his eyes immediately. I don't know many people who aren't affected by feeling the kicking of an unborn child. I know the whole day was a gamble but right then felt like the time to go all in. I looked Carol in the eye.
"Do you still love him?"
She nodded and I think she wanted to speak but just couldn't get words out so she nodded some more. I turned to Buck.
"I'd ask you the same thing but I know you do," I said, "The question is, if I set you up with a friend of mine for some real counseling would you both go and really try?"
"I would," Carol said without thought.
"You would?" Buck said quickly and I think he was surprised.
"I don't know if we can fix this or get past what I did but I'm willing to try."
I knew Buck would be willing but he needed to get past himself for it to do any good. Still the fact that they both were willing to go was a start and really all I hoped to accomplish. I told Joanie to get Carol home and make her some tea and get her to rest some. I still needed to talk to Buck. Once the women were out the door I went to the kitchen and grabbed a couple beers and handed him one.
"I'm glad you guys will go to counseling," I said, "But you know that leaves one more thing to talk about."
He looked at me like he didn't know and maybe he didn't but I clarified for him anyway, "The baby."
"What about it?" he asked.
"Well, even if that child isn't yours, it is still Lisa's brother or sister and she has to be considered in this too. Do you want to turn your back on both of them because the baby might not be yours?"
"I don't know if I could look at a child everyday knowing how it came to be and knowing that it was a product of that."
"I get that," I said, "And it might not even be an issue. That child might come on out looking every bit as much like you as Lisa does. But if it doesn't, that doesn't mean it's not yours. You're half Chippewa, right?" he nodded, "That makes Lisa a quarter, meaning less Indian than not. It would be the same with this kid too."
"What are you saying, Jimmy?"
"That baby doesn't have a daddy except for you," I said simply, "Even if you weren't the one who helped make it, you're still the only chance that little one has for a dad."
"I just don't know if I could," he said.
"Well, decisions don't need to be made today but think on it."
To this day I don't know what possessed me to do that intervention that day. I think it might have been the craziest and maybe even stupidest thing I have ever done but it sort of worked so I guess that is all that matters.
Next thing I knew and I was getting ready to head over to Emma's for Sunday dinner.
"Joanie, won't you at least tell me what she looks like?" I pleaded.
"It's not like you'll have a hard time picking her out," she said, "She'll be the woman you don't know. And if that's too hard to figure, she'll be the one hanging on Noah's arm and gazing lovingly at him."
I wanted to be frustrated with her but I just laughed. I don't even know why it mattered so much to me. Noah was a smart guy and I wasn't marrying the woman.
We got to Emma's and Noah wasn't there yet but nearly everyone else was. Ike and Annie had their hands full as usual with Timmy and Karen but I saw Annie trying to talk some to Carol. I thought right then that if there was any saving the marriage at all that it might actually end up stronger than before. Ike looked like he still wasn't sure how to treat the situation. I know a part of him wanted to stay loyal to his brother but then another part of him was angry with Buck for casting Carol so completely out. I know he understood Buck's feelings but he also knew that Buck still loved her and Ike really felt for that baby too.
Al was sitting in a chair reading to Lisa and looking every bit the doting grandpa.
"Where's Jesse?" I asked.
"Look out back and see for yourself," Buck told me with the first real smile I'd seen from him in months.
I went into the kitchen and looked out the window that was over the sink. Emma was watching too and I know I saw tears shining in her eyes at what she was looking at. I saw it too and went right ahead and let those tears fall. It was only Emma there to see after all. In that back yard, under the oak tree that had been there longer than probably any of us there that day Jesse and Sam were throwing a football back and forth. They'd pause every now and then and Sam would jog over to Jesse to show him how to place his fingers on the ball.
"Thank you, Jimmy," Emma said.
"I had nothing to do with that," I told her honestly, "I just put him on your doorstep. You and Sam made this a family."
She took a deep breath and blinked a few times.
"So what do you know about our dinner guest today?"
"Rosemary? Not a heck of a lot," I said, "I know she and Noah have been seeing each other a little bit and she's real committed to the civil rights movement and I think bringing her today has something to do with him wanting to marry her. I don't know if we're getting an engagement announcement or a proposal or if he just wants her to meet the family before he does propose. But I'm pretty sure this has to do with marriage or engagement or something like that."
"Noah needed to find a nice girl and settle down," she told me, "He works too hard."
"I know he does but he won't have to work quite that hard once he gets his degree. Rosemary sure does seem to make him happy though. I don't think I've ever seen him smile so much."
"He was too serious too," she said, "He needed someone to make him lighten up."
About then I heard a commotion in the living room and went out to see who was there. Billy and Sherry were just walking in. Sherry looked happy and Billy looked upset about something. I rolled my eyes. Probably I should have just learned to mind my own business but he was seeking me out anyway.
"Jimmy," he said looking worried.
"I would have thought you would be just fine and happy, Billy," I told him, "Or didn't she give it up?"
"Oh she gave it up alright," he said and his eyes sort of glazed over for a moment. I let him have his moment. I know I had a few memory moments like that myself. "She gave it up repeatedly and it was worth the wait."
"I got the point Billy," I said, "I don't think Sherry would appreciate your gloating right now. Learn some self control, man."
He looked over at Sherry like he was worried she would have heard or something.
"So what's your problem?" I asked him.
"It's just that no matter how good a girl is in bed I've always gotten kind of bored pretty quick," he said, "I don't mean to and I feel bad sometimes like I'm using them or something but that's the way it is and things don't usually last long once we've done it."
"Billy, if you are telling me you're bored and want to break up with that woman I might have to take you outside and beat the crap out of you."
"I'm not saying that, Jimmy. I'm not saying that at all. The opposite, really, I'm not bored. I don't want to break up. I don't want another woman. I don't think I want another woman ever."
I just laughed and patted him on the back before walking away. He followed me though.
"What do I do?" he asked me.
"Billy," I said, "I expect you'll figure that out on your own somehow. Or you can defer to the smarter of the two of you and let her figure it out for you."
I left him there with his mouth hanging open and went to greet Jesse who was coming in with Sam just beaming. It shouldn't have taken fourteen years for him to finally have that picture perfect father-son moment but I've seen far too many kids who don't get it at all. I got to be on the father side of that moment eventually but it's not like my old man ever took me to the park to throw the ball around.
"Hey Jimmy," he called out once he spotted me, "Sam just taught me how to throw a spiral. Did you know Sam played football in high school? He says I might be good enough to make the team next year if I work hard and try out."
It was all a huge excited rush of words and nothing at that time had ever sounded so good to me. So often I know I didn't handle things the right way and I know I messed up some things and caused pain to people I cared for but this one time I knew I had done something right and I had been a part of saving this one kid. It doesn't seem like much when you know the sheer numbers of children out there with no one to love them, no one to care for them. If I learned nothing else from doing the work I did I learned that you have to celebrate your victories and understand that they can't all be victories. That's just the reality. I heard a baseball manager say one time about losses, well first you ought to get that when people say you can't win them all, they mean that. See in baseball there's like over a hundred fifty games in a season and no one has ever won them all. Anyway this manager said you know going in that you're going to win at least fifty games and lose at least fifty games and it's what you do with the other ones that determines where you are at the end of the season. Now you do the work I did and you learn there are some you can't win. Like in sports when you have a lot of injuries or your team is all worn out from a long road trip or something. There are kids that can't be helped. Sometimes it's the system working against you and sometimes they just come to you too late but some you just can't save. Some are easy wins. Some kids aren't that far gone or their problems aren't that large. So you have your wins and losses there but it's the ones that aren't easy and could go either way that you have to really fight for. I like to think I came out above .500 though they always tell you not to keep score. I don't think I did but I still like to think I helped more than I failed and right then it meant the world that I had helped Jesse.
I was just telling Jesse how great that was that Sam was getting him into sports and he was telling me about thinking he might go out for the baseball team in the spring too when the door opened and everyone stopped talking and just stared. You would have thought none of us had met anyone outside our little family before. It's not like anyone was horribly shocked that they were a mixed couple or what you call these days 'interracial'. Everyone already knew that and had plenty of time to get used to the idea if they found it shocking. I can only guess our behavior had more to do with the buildup of having gone all those months of hearing about this woman and not meeting her. Joanie knew Rosemary so she was the first one to approach the pair.
"Rosemary," she said, "It's so good to see you again."
It was then that Noah spoke up.
"So as you can all guess, this is Rosemary Burke," he announced, "Rosie, honey, these are the folks who've sort of adopted me and become my Michigan family. Now take notes because there might be a quiz later."
He chuckled a little and she squeezed his arm tighter as he began to introduce everyone.
"You know Joanie," he began, "Next to her is Al Hunter. Al's holding Lisa Cross who is the daughter of Buck Cross over there and his wife Carol who is the one about ready to pop any minute. Sitting with Carol is Annie McSwain with her daughter Karen. Annie's husband Ike is next to Buck and he's holding their son, Timmy. Are you keeping up so far?"
"I think so," she smiled and it was a nice smile too. "I'm sure I'll mess up a few times but please continue Noah."
"Alright then, over by where Joanie was when we came in is Billy Cody and his lovely girlfriend Sherry Wingate. Standing right in front of us here is Jimmy Hickok, Joanie's husband, and the man of the house Sam Cain with his son Jesse James. And then if you look over there by the door to the dining room you'll see Mrs. Emma Cain. I know I have told you about Emma."
"Wonderful things about her," she agreed and made a beeline for Emma.
"Mrs. Cain," Rosemary said and Emma cut her off.
"Emma, please," she said.
"Emma, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you having me over for dinner like this. I know Noah is family to you but I'm not and your hospitality is most gracious."
Rosemary spoke with a sure voice and a physical poise that yelled out confidence and self-assuredness. Yelled a bit too loud I thought because under it you could see the vulnerability of someone who really does care one way or another if you accept her or love her or even like her. I saw Rosemary in many other situations and there wasn't always that vulnerability but right then she really cared what we, and more to the point Emma, thought of her. I think she knew how important we'd become to Noah.
Emma saw that little chink in her poise too and wrapped her in a hug. And that was all there was to that really. Rosemary Burke was a part of our lives from that moment forward and within a couple of days we all got the news that Rosemary Burke had agreed to become Rosemary Dixon. I know right about then I couldn't have been happier for Noah. He was within sight of the finish line for that law degree, had a job lined up with a very prestigious firm and had a beautiful woman agreeing to share his life with him. There's not much more a man could ask for.
Alright...those who know me at all know I did not like Rosemary. Well, I didn't like the person she ended up being and I really hated that the series left off with Jimmy being with her. But when the character was first introduced in Song of Isaiah, she had that vulnerability and some honest humanity. I also am accutely aware that she was with Jimmy in the show and not Noah but you have to understand that at the time even a free man like Noah would have been hanged in even the most forward thinking communities for being with a white woman. Now a white slave owner could have his way with every black woman around and no one batted an eye but then that wasn't really a relationship...Rosemary is a lovely plot device for things I need to do later in this story and there will be elements of things that did come into play in the show. I saw her (mostly because of what she was like at the end of the show) as very manipulative and someone who put herself above all but did it under the supposed cover of the cause. It seemed what she could push forward her cause most with in this universe is marrying a black man. So that is how this is going...
As for anything else, Oh I should probably explain why I changed Buck's heritage a little bit. It seemed more plausible to have him descended from a tribe native to Michigan and there is a large Chippewa (also sometimes known as Ojibwe) population here in Michigan so that was that.
Also the quote from the baseball manager was really from longtime Tigers manager (and before that Cincinnati Reds manager) George "Sparky" Anderson who said, "The season is 162 games. You'll win fifty and lose fifty. It's what you do with the other sixty-two that matter."
This chapter kicked my butt and the number of times I wanted to take a big old cop out and do the too convenient sitcom ending that would have some magical solution and everyone hugging it out by the end, well, Anita, Kristina, you were there...and they didn't really help with all their talk of glowing loins and centaurs (inside jokes you'd probably string us up for if we published them in story form here). More intense drama to come folks...almost time for Kid to be deployed and Carol's about to get a visit from Mr. Stork. Let's cross our fingers for a little Buck clone like Lisa is, okay?-J