Thanksgiving rolled around and I wasn't going to be with the family, either side for the day. You would have thought Emma would be upset by it but she understood. I had a little trip to take and there was no other time to take it. Joanie was more upset and I think would've liked to join me but she was absolutely swamped with school so when she wasn't helping her mom cook, she was going to be studying like a mad woman. I sort of wished she could have come too. It wasn't something I relished doing alone but then I guess it was the right way to do it. This was something between me and him after all.
I hopped the Greyhound Wednesday after work and rode through the night and a good part of the next day. There wasn't anyone to pick me up at the station but I knew there wouldn't be. The one person who knew I was coming had promised to keep it a surprise. That was alright because cabs run on Thanksgiving same as any other day.
The driver let me off in front of a cute little bungalow and I could see the remnants of what had been a pretty flower garden in the summer lining the front of the house. There wasn't snow that far south yet but the plants knew winter was coming even if it wasn't meant to be harsh. I stood on the sidewalk a moment and sighed. I wanted to turn back so bad right about then. Walking to that door was going to make everything real and I didn't want it to be real. I knew that was stupid because this thing was happening whether I wanted it to or not. So I slowly made my way to that door and rang the bell. It was a moment or two before it opened and there he stood looking first stunned and then the smile spread across his face.
"Hey there, Jimmy," he said pulling me into a hug and with it pulling me into his home.
"Hey Kid," I said back, "You know I couldn't just let you go without seeing you."
"I don't even know what to say," he told me and I knew what he meant. All those years we were the only people in the world who cared about us; no parents, no friends, no siblings, just us. We still would always know what the other needed before he needed it. He needed me there. He was leaving on Monday and I was missing a day of work to see him off that morning because he needed to know Lou wasn't alone when he left. He hadn't said it but that hardly mattered when it came to us and the way we were. By the same token he didn't seem too surprised I was there. He somehow knew I needed to see him, to have a last few moments with him before he went off to God only knew what.
He went to lead me to the living room where we could sit and talk but Theresa caught sight of me and flew at me.
"Uncle Jimmy!" she yelled hugging me tight and I thought how good a job Lou had done keeping that secret. I hugged her back.
"My God," I said, "You must have grown six inches since the wedding. What are you feeding this girl, Kid?"
"I don't know," he told me, "I think she might've ate some magic beans. You know in the fairy tale they planted them but never said what happened if you ate 'em."
She rolled her eyes at him. She was twelve by then and was starting to get that teenager attitude where grownups were decidedly uncool by their very existence. Still she loved Kid too much to do anything but laugh it off when he was silly like that. I was a grownup but uncles are different than parents and Kid was like a dad to her, never mind that he and Lou weren't really old enough to be her folks, they were what she had.
"Lou's in the kitchen," she said pulling away from me, "I'll go get her."
"She's going to be so surprised to see you," Kid said.
"No she won't," I told him, "She knew I was coming."
The next few days were spent just me being part of their little family like we didn't have something terrible hanging over our heads. We talked about the old times, well, the good parts of the old times. Laughed about all the things Al had said or done, got that melancholy feel you get when you think on being a kid and knowing you aren't one anymore. It was nice to talk. I filled him in on the goings on back in Detroit. He knew things, of course but letters aren't the same so I could give him the details. I told him all about Jesse and how he and Sam were finally bonding and what it was like to find out about Emma's baby by hearing its heart beating. I told him how crazy Billy was acting about Sherry and that I figured they'd get married sometime and I told him about Rosemary. He knew Carol was near her due date but he didn't know of their troubles and I kept it that way. I had promised Buck and Carol both that I wouldn't talk about it and there was no need to trouble Kid with worries at a time like that. I had almost forgotten how effortless it was to talk to him and how easy it was to be around him even when we weren't talking. I spent more time with Bobby and Jack than I had ever been able to before and that was nice in itself. It sometimes felt strange that out of all my friends I would know Kid's children the least of everyone's. They were good boys. Bobby was only a month younger than Lisa was and little Jack was right about two at the time. It made me sad I'd have to go home and leave them behind. I sort of wished I was taking Lou and the kids back with me but I knew that wasn't how things were meant to happen right then.
It was Sunday night and I was thinking I'd turn in early. We had to get moving early the next day. His transport was leaving at eight in the morning. I figured he'd need the sleep and the time with Lou even if the time with Lou kept him from sleep. Thing was while we all turned in early, I couldn't sleep at all. I got up and wandered out to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and there he was sitting at the kitchen table in the dark.
"Couldn't sleep?" he asked.
"Guess not," I answered, "You either, huh?"
"I'm scared."
I sat down at the table with him. "Me too," I said.
"I've never had to be alone before," he told me, "Not really alone. Even when my dad beat me, I knew I could find you and we could hang out and it would be okay. I don't remember ever being this scared and I thought about that and I figure it's because you were there pretty much as far back as I can remember. And since I've been away, well, I could always call you but I have Lou. I don't know if I know how to be alone."
I knew what he meant but I had to try to boost him up somehow.
"You won't be alone, Kid," I reminded him, "You got all those men around you."
"They don't know me and I don't know them," he said sadly, "Not like you and me. Remember when we first met? Mrs. Shaw's kindergarten class and we'd somehow end up walking home every day. I don't think we said five words between us the first month of school. Even then we knew there was something wrong with how we lived and not everyone had a home like that. Five years old and we were ashamed of things beyond our control. But one day you had a black eye and Mrs. Shaw asked about it and you said you fell down. I knew because that's what I was told to tell people too. We walked together that day and I showed you the bruises on my back. We both tried to be so brave then like we'd already had it drilled into us that crying was wrong and I guess we had. I was never scared again because I knew I wasn't alone anymore."
"You won't be alone over there either, Kid. You have to know that. It don't matter if I'm across the street, the town, the country or the globe, you are not alone, ever."
"I should have been there for you more, Jimmy," he said, "When we were growing up I mean. I know you came over when you had nowhere else to go but I didn't do enough. I know about the man who took you to his place. I know what he did to boys."
His voice cracked and I know for a second thinking about me at all of eight or nine he was thinking about his own sons and how vulnerable they are and how someone should have been protecting us, and really me from that guy.
"I got away from him, Kid," I told him, "I got away."
He never pressed anymore than that and I never told him the whole story. It's true I got away and it's true that I kept something really bad from happening to me by getting away but it's also true that things happened in that apartment that shouldn't have and I always thought I would take it to my grave but I suppose now is as good a time as any to say the man touched me. Now not all touching is bad touching and there ain't nothing wrong with hugging someone who's hurting or patting someone on the back or something. I worked with a lot of kids who craved safe contact like that but no grown man has any place touching an eight or nine year old child where that man touched me or trying to get that child to touch him where he wanted me to touch him. That was all the farther it went and it was still enough to give me nightmares. But in those nightmares I couldn't get away.
I looked back at Kid and saw the tears shining on his cheeks. We'd cried in front of each other before and it was no shame between us. We might never have shown that side to others and still at the ages we were then we probably could count on one hand the people who'd seen us cry but for us, we knew it was okay and didn't mean anything bad at all.
"You gave up everything for me," he said at last, "You were there for me. You told me I was good enough. You have a job saving kids like us now and you talk about Jesse being your first win but he wasn't. I was. I would have been gone long before if not for you. I need you to know that if I don't get a chance to say it any other time."
"Kid I would have been dead somewhere on the street if you hadn't hidden me in your room some nights. I don't know how you can think you didn't do enough. Hell, I'm alive Kid and living a decent life. Sometimes keeping someone above ground is a victory in itself. I'm nothing without you for a friend."
"Listen to me, Jimmy," he said and there was panic in his voice, "I need you to hear me and understand because I don't have a good feeling about this and I don't know if I'll get another chance to tell you these things and you have to know. You have to. I could have done more to help you in school. I could have talked to Emma and Al and they could have done more to get you away from home. Mine wasn't so bad after my dad took off. Mom didn't give a crap but at least she didn't hit. Polly even took to beating you after a while. It's me failing you led to you being held back and getting sent to juvie and dropping out. I might have been the only one who knew what all was going on and I did nothing. And don't say I was just a kid. You were too and you kept telling me I could do something. You told me to try out for the basketball team. You told me I was smart. I never told you those things. I knew them and I never said it. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
"I wasn't perfect, Kid so stop making me out to be some saint or something. Saint Jimmy sounds stupid. But don't go thinking you didn't save me. Not just giving me a place to stay. I never told you this before but since I haven't had a good feeling about things since you enlisted, I guess now is the time for getting it all out in the open. I thought about taking my own life more than once. Had a gun at one time too. You're all that stopped me. You're smart and a good person and if you cared about me, if you wanted to be my friend, if you were there to tell me I wasn't a bad kid and it wasn't my fault my folks beat on me then maybe I had one thing to live for. Hell, I think it would be safe to say there isn't much of who I am that ain't tangled up in pieces of you that rubbed off on me."
"Yeah, me too," he whispered, "I don't know how this comes out with both of us feeling bad about it but I'm a better man for knowing you. I'll write when I can."
"I will too," I told him, "And I'll see if Joanie can't set to baking some things to send to you. I know it sounds funny but she bakes some of the best Christmas cookies ever. I'm sure we could get a care package to you."
"I'd sure appreciate it. You be sure to give that wife of yours a hug for me, okay? I owe her that at least for looking out for my brother for me. It's a weight off my mind knowing that she's taking care of you and telling you things I should have told you years ago."
"I'll tell her. Now you get to bed and enjoy the time you have left to hold your wife. You don't have much left."
He went to bed and so did I. I don't know if he got much sleep but I know I didn't. I was up before the sun and helping get the kids around. Theresa was being allowed to miss school that day to see Kid off. We all stood on the airstrip as the rest of the men were saying their goodbyes to wives and children. Kid shook my hand and then we ditched pretenses and hugged.
"Bad feelings be damned," I said quietly to him, "Come home safe, you hear me?"
He just nodded. I think if he would have tried to talk he would have fallen apart and cried right there. Next he knelt down to Jack's stroller and kissed his youngest son before turning to the child next to the stroller and pulling Bobby into a tight hug. Then he stood and hugged Theresa hard enough to lift her off the ground. Finally he wrapped his arms around Lou and kissed her. Theresa found her way to me and squeezed my hand burying her face in my arm. I could feel the heat of her tears and that was when I put the arm around her shoulders and held her closer to me. Her own dad bailed when she was too little to even remember him and now the only good man she'd had to raise her up was leaving too. She was a tough kid but that was a lot for even the toughest among us to take. I bent and whispered to her as I saw him start to walk away.
"Remember that sign Timmy taught us?" she nodded and when Kid turned around to look back at us one last time Theresa and I had our hands held high with our thumbs, index fingers and pinkies extended. I guess everyone these days knows that means I love you but then I think our little bunch and Kid were the only ones who knew what we were saying and that was just fine. It was a message to just one person.
We watched him board the plane and watched the plane take off and watched most of the other civilians leave and then I went over to Lou and put my arm around her and she crumbled against me.
"I don't want to be this strong," she cried, "I'm scared."
"Everyone here today is scared," I tried to reassure her, "They have a brave face like the one you were wearing until just a minute ago. Scared doesn't mean you don't do something and just because someone doesn't look scared or talk scared doesn't mean they aren't scared."
"I want him back," she said, "Not in a year either. I want him back now."
"I know, honey," I said patting her back, "I know you do and when it gets so you can't stand it a minute longer, you call me or Emma or Joanie or Carol or somebody. Or you plan a little trip and come up and see us. You have family, Lou. You have people. Don't think that just because your dad left and your mom's gone that you don't have people."
"I know," she said and we started walking toward her car. "Do you have to go back so soon, Jimmy?"
"I really do need to get back to work," I said, "And get back to Joanie."
"I'm sorry I said those things about her when you got engaged," she said.
"It was how you felt and maybe even how you still feel," I told her, "I accept your apology even though it's not necessary. I respect you and your opinions. I didn't agree but that don't mean I don't respect it."
Lou drove me to the bus station and she and the kids waited with me for my bus that would take me back to Detroit, back to my life and my Joanie. Theresa plopped down next to me on the bench.
"I wish you could stay, Uncle Jimmy," she said to me.
"I know, honey, but I need you to do something real important for me."
"What?"
"I need you to keep an eye on your sister," I whispered to her like we were planning a secret mission. "If she needs us, if you need us, you have to let me know. Write, or call, hell, you can even call collect if you have to. Don't forget you got us and don't let her stubborn streak get the better of her."
"I promise."
I hugged her and then Lou and the boys and boarded my bus and headed for Michigan. We got some snow while I was gone and it was kind of pretty I guess but to me it just made everything more barren and dead looking.
I was home a little while and Joanie was tiptoeing around me. She knew this had been hard and she knew there wasn't anything to talk about. I was scared I'd never see my brother again and there wasn't more than that to discuss. It was not an irrational fear and there was no conquering it. I was sad and the only thing I could do was throw myself into my work. I had been totally honest with Kid about what he had meant to me growing up. I felt sometimes like the work I did was somehow paying him back the only way I could for saving my life. I had a couple of tough cases that year that took a lot of energy and I was taking classes to get that master's degree I really needed to truly do what I wanted to do. I'm sure I was neglecting Joanie and I know Kid wasn't the only reason for that either but it was as good an excuse as any at the time. It saved me having to have a discussion I didn't want to have right then.
November shifted to December and a week or so in I got a call from the hospital. It was Buck and he wanted me there. I got over there as fast as I could and found him in the waiting room drinking coffee and looking like he'd already had too much of it. Ike was just watching helplessly as Buck paced a little too fast to really be a pace. It was almost more like he was well, I don't know the word but he was pacing really fast and almost furiously.
"Any word on Carol yet, Buck?" I asked as I walked in the room.
"Nothing," he said finally stopping his mad pacing. Ike got up and said he needed to check in at home and went to find a phone.
"Talk," I said.
"Counseling has been going really good," he told me, "That friend of yours is really good at this."
"I know but you didn't call me down here to tell me he's good at his job."
"I love her, Jimmy," he admitted, "I think I love her more than when we were dating because I know her now. I don't think we ever really knew each other before. I do now. I know what she thinks and feels and what makes her happy and sad. I can tell her those things about me too. I don't want my marriage to be over and I don't want to be the guy who could turn his back on a baby but I don't know if I can raise this kid if it's not mine."
"Why don't you just wait to meet the little one first? You don't know how you'll feel yet."
We sat a while longer and Ike came back and joined us. Eventually a nurse came in to lead Buck to her room. Ike and I hung outside the room or tried to but Buck pulled me in with him. Carol was holding a little bundle and she looked tired but happy.
"Hi Jimmy," she said smiling at me.
"Hi Carol, how are you feeling?"
"Not too bad considering," she replied. Then she turned her attention to her husband and peeled back the part of the blanket that was obscuring the baby's face. I breathed a little sigh of relief at seeing the darker and slightly reddish skin tone. Buck did too and took a step forward. He was right up next to her bed looking at that sweet little face that looked just about exactly like Lisa's except this kid didn't get those blue eyes but dark brown ones like Buck. I saw the grin start to spread on his face and felt one going across my face too. Carol held the baby up a little and said, "Well Daddy, would you like to hold your son?"
Now I have both a son and daughters and there is a very special bond between daddy and daughter but there's something about having a son, a little you to carry on your name and things that sound chauvinistic these days but they still matter to men. Buck took the kid into his arms and cradled him close.
"We've never even talked about names," he said to Carol.
"I was thinking Gregory," she answered.
"I like it," he told her and I went out in the hall to tell Ike the good news.
so hurray for little Gregory Cross. Honestly he told me his name was Gregory. I like it little Greg Cross...Can't you just picture a chubby miniature Buck...you know you'd just fall in love with him. And thank God he looks just like Buck...he and Carol still have work to do on their marriage but I think they'll be okay in time and she was right after all about the paternity.
As for the other part of this chapter...the whole time I wrote it I had a song stuck in my head to the point where i had to play the song and then it was still in my head. It's called "For Good" and it comes from the musical Wicked. Here are the lyrics if you are unfamiliar:
I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return.
Well I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime so let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you and you'll be with me like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend
Like a ship blown from its moorings by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good.
And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for
But then I guess we know there's blame to share and none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you I have been changed for good.
So needless to say with that soundtrack and that scene in the kitchen and the whole subject matter, I cried my little wee eyes out for you all. Somebody hug Jimmy...and Kid...and me while you're at it!-J