Things were better for Buck and Carol after that. I'm not going to say they were all better or anything. I wasn't inside the marriage and I wasn't their marriage counselor but I would hazard a guess that it wasn't ever exactly the way it was before. Possibly it was stronger in some ways. There is a saying that everyone breaks but some choose to become stronger at the broken places. It's a quote or something. Anyway, I'm sure in some ways they were better but I'm guessing they had some issues they could never really get past. You just never know how something like that will hit you. They both had some assumptions to get over. I will say he was more affectionate to her after all that and he doted on little Greg. Of course when you see your own face looking back at you it's hard not to. Lisa thought her little brother was the greatest thing ever and she seemed a lot happier too which told me there probably wasn't the fighting there had been. It was good to see them though. He always had an arm around her shoulders and he would kiss her and rub her back and she would sometimes just sit close to him if everyone was sitting around talking and just hold his hand. Sometimes it's just that awareness.
As much good as it did my heart to see Jesse developing that nice bond with Sam and seeing him dote on Emma and as happy as I was for Buck and Carol being able to make it work, I was still a mess. I had those couple kids that needed more than the others and I still wondered if I could help them at all and then I didn't even want to get out of bed most days. I guess I know that's depression right there and I knew why. Like I said, the fear I had was a rational one. There's no combating rational fears. The problem is that I was moping around like the fear had come true and he was dead or something and that was no way to be. I wrote him letters weekly and kept my tone light and told him all the good news like how good it was to see Emma's belly grow and how happy Jesse was and how adorable Greg was. I didn't tell him that the end of a term in law school wasn't any different than the end of a term in undergrad had been for Joanie. She knew that stuff inside and out and was always top of her class but she always went a little off the rails too. I didn't tell him I was a shell of myself and slept little for the nightmares of what he might be going through. He didn't need that. He needed me to be there for him. He needed to know he wasn't alone and that his family was still there waiting for his safe return. It was hard not to write it all though. He was the only one who would understand where I was in my head right then and I couldn't talk to him about it.
I did get Joanie through the end of her term and got me through mine as well and by Christmas was feeling like maybe I was even making inroads with one of those kids. Somehow it seemed a dismal holiday. Chanukkah was long over by Christmas that year. It had actually started while I was down seeing Kid off. In fact while we were having that little talk around his kitchen table Jewish families everywhere were drifting off to sleep with their bellies full of latkes and their minds filled with the image of that first candle. I was home for the last six nights but even that seemed hollow. We put up our tree and Joanie baked cookies and we sat on Christmas Eve watching the lights on the tree glow softly while we sipped some wine. I turned in early but Joanie said she wasn't tired. I don't know how she couldn't have been but that's what she said. The next morning I woke to the smell of pancakes cooking and staggered out into the living room. Joanie must have heard me rattling around and was standing there with a cup of coffee. I tried to take it from her but she held it away from me and rose on her toes to kiss me. I took the mug and set it on the table and wrapped my arms around her and kissed her proper. I realized at that moment I had been terribly neglecting my girl. I hadn't kissed her like that since sometime before I went on my little trip. I finally parted from her and she smiled at me.
"Well, welcome home," she said and I went back in for another kiss but she ducked away and handed me my coffee again. "It's Christmas morning, James. There's a protocol involved and it doesn't involve your tongue in my mouth for at least another hour."
"Just a kiss Joanie," I pleaded.
"When you have that look on your face it's never just a kiss that you want."
Okay, she was right. I didn't want a kiss. It had been weeks and I knew that was my fault but I still wanted her right then and I didn't want to wait an hour or more. But she wasn't budging on this. I tried looking sad and pleading and she just laughed at me.
"Drink your coffee, James," she said, "And eat some breakfast."
"It's not going to take me an hour to eat breakfast," I told her getting my hopes up—along with something else—as I remembered we didn't do Christmas presents and with the wedding and everything that year we had only exchanged small Chanukkah gifts. When you're newly married and that much in love, not much else matters but being together.
"I know that," she replied, "But there's more to Christmas than breakfast. In fact, if memory serves from your lessons through the years breakfast isn't even the way Christmas morning starts."
"We don't do Christmas presents, Joanie," I reminded her, "And if I tell you I'm not hungry for pancakes then there's nothing standing in the way of me picking your right up and carrying you off to the bedroom and making up for how I've neglected you the last few weeks."
"Well, it has been lonely since you've been back but I think you should check under the tree."
I looked over and there were presents under there. There shouldn't have been. I had already mailed the ones for Lou and the kids and the ones for the party at Emma's that day were already at Emma's. The area under the tree had been bare when I had gone to bed the night before. I walked slowly to the tree and sank to my knees next to the packages wrapped in green and red. Joanie knelt next to me and leaned forward and picked up one package. It wasn't big. I looked at the tag and it simply said, 'To: James From: Joanie'. I tore away the paper to find a framed picture of the whole gang at our wedding. Joanie and I were at the center and surrounded by Emma and Al. Lou, Kid, Billy, Ike and Buck completed the picture. I know we had pictures in our wedding album with the wives and the kids but this was just my family that I grew up with. These were the people who saved me, who taught me what family was, who made me the man I was. I looked up at her in wonder that she would know just what I needed. After all those years I should have known she always did know what I needed. I got so used to being her hero but I forgot sometimes that self assured woman who first brought that 'Vette to Al's garage. She was just as capable of saving me from my own self as I was her.
"It's for your desk at work," she explained, "Men usually do keep pictures of their families on their desks."
"I have a picture of you," I said.
"I'm not your only family."
She then handed me a larger package and again the tag was simple and only said it was for me from her. I opened it to find a photo album. I flipped through and there were pictures of all of us growing up, pictures from their prom and pictures of Joanie and me going to her prom and pictures of everyone's weddings. There were even pictures of Jesse. The best ones were just the simple ones that weren't posed. Pictures I knew Emma had taken through the years of us kids sitting on her porch or hanging out in Al's office.
"How did you even get these?"
"Emma still had the negatives and Billy has a friend who does photography for the Freep. He knew how to develop them."
I stopped and stared at the last picture in the book. Emma must have taken it. I was all of maybe twelve or thirteen and leaning under the hood of some old Ford and Al was leaning in with me pointing at something. I didn't remember that exact moment because there had to have been hundreds like it. They were the happiest of my life at that time. Someone thought I was worth trying to teach something to. Hell, someone thought I was worth something. He might have been a crazy old man who whistled funny songs and spoke in riddles sometimes but he was the greatest man I'd ever met. Other men might gain riches or power or commit great acts of bravery and all those men paled to that man taking the time in his day to show some poor delinquent how to fix a car. Because I wasn't just a delinquent; I was a scared kid just waiting for someone to give him a chance.
"There's one more, James," Joanie said softly holding the package out to me. There was an envelope on the front and I pulled it off and began to open it to read.
"Open the gift first and then read it," she said, "It makes more sense that way."
I tore the paper away to reveal a framed 8x10 of me and Kid. But it wasn't recent. We must've been maybe all of Jesse's age. There was just the two of us in jeans and t-shirts and I know it was some picture Emma made us stand for but we were smiling for real. I think she made us laugh or something or we had some inside joke between us that day. We had so little happy times as kids but there we were laughing. I opened the envelope and took out the note inside.
"My darling," it began, "I can hardly bear the sadness within you now. I know you are hurting and I know you are scared and I don't know what to do. I never got to meet the boys in this picture but I know the men they grew into. Strong, brave, kind men for whom nothing is greater than family. I can't keep your brother safe from harm and I can't promise his safe return and I can't even imagine how you feel right now. I can, however, remind you that once you and he knew happiness and maybe offer some hope you will know it again. With all my love, Joanie."
I didn't notice I was crying until I saw the drop of water hit the page in my hand. That was all it took for Joanie to crawl over to me and hold me tight to her.
"I'm so scared for him," I cried softly into her shoulder, "For me too."
"I know," she said rubbing my back, "I know." She held me for a while and then holding became kissing and I laid her on her back and we did something our friends with kids couldn't do anymore. We made love right there on the floor under our Christmas tree.
As hard as I cried, once I got over the tears I felt alive for the first time in the weeks since I watched Kid march onto that plane. I was still alive and he was still alive and we both were because of those boys in the picture and what they had been for each other. I owed it to them to live and enjoy this life I hadn't even dared to dream of before.
Eventually we got up off the floor and dressed and headed over to Emma's for our traditional family Christmas chaos. It was wonderful. I took the book of pictures Joanie had put together and we sat around looking through them and reminiscing about when we'd been kids. I know to someone my age now and even to Emma and Sam and Al we all were a bunch of kids still but those days seemed so far away and some of it for the better but then some of it for the worse too.
Lou called and we all got to talk to her for a little bit, Theresa too. It was nice to hear their voices and they sounded like they were managing alright. I could hear how much they missed us and reminded Lou that nothing kept her from coming up once Theresa was out of school for the summer and spend a little time with us. Maybe we could even take her and the kids up to the cabin and let them fish and swim and be rowdy little devils for a while.
"You know," she mused, "I think I'll do just that, Jimmy."
Her voice perked up so much then at just having something to look forward to even if it was six months off.
"You time it right and you'll make it here for Noah's wedding."
I think she liked that idea too. I think I felt good having something to look forward to as well. I mean there's only so much I could look forward to on any given day. There was work, school and studying. Joanie was always either at work, school or studying as well so there wasn't even a lot of us time either. I will say we made the most of the time we had. We were newlyweds after all but even so, it was nice to know Lou was coming with those kids and we'd get just a little piece of Kid with them.
Happy New Year everyone. Not all of 2011 was bad but enough was that I'm quite pleased to watch it fade in the rearview mirror. Money troubles, kid troubles, etc...need a few less troubles. In the midst of all the troubles there were blessings as well. I have written fanfic for a few years now but had never felt this outpouring of warmth and encouragement that I have in this fandom...you all are amazing and I love you. Through reviews and a fansite I have made new friends who have quickly come to mean the world to me. They keep me moving when I'm stuck, challenge my ideas and thoughts and make me better daily and also provide a laugh when I get to mired in the mortal peril and doomydooms or saddysads (glowing things, special forces and centaurs...heeeheee not to mention our insane crossover ideas...I know the Monty Python one has merit but I think we could really make the Muppet one work too...can't remember all the others we have thought of but just wait dear readers until you all get to read the incredible Scooby Doo-TYR crossover one of our talented writers has been working on for your reading pleasure. I know it will blow your mind. You know I still think one of us should do the Princess Bride one too...the Dread Pirate Hickok has to happen!) I could not make it through a day without your encouragement, love, support, laughter and pictures of baby animals.
I look to 2012 with hope for so many things in my life and the lives of those I love. Here's to finding jobs or finding better jobs and to the health of our loved ones and to many many more tales of our dear Hunks on Horseback!-J