For full effect, this chapter should be read while listening to Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings.
Things got nice for a while, I will say that. Billy was happy, Sherry was happy. Buck was happy and even Carol was happy between runs to the bathroom to toss her cookies. Everyone was happy. Noah stopped over to our place and to Emma's a few times with Michael. Rosemary never came with, just Noah and the baby but I never did see a man has proud of a child as he was of that one.
Joanie was all over happy with her courses and the cases she was helping with at the firm and I was happy too because I could see the light at the end of the tunnel as I was finishing my master's degree. It was a lot of work the last little bit but it's easy to do the work when the end is in sight. When I spared a thought for it I even was happy in the knowledge that almost any day I should get a call from Kid telling me he was back safe and all our worries were unfounded.
I did get a call one afternoon but it wasn't Kid on the line. It was an operator asking if I would accept the charges from a Theresa McCloud. Well, I always told her to call if she ever needed me and to call collect if she had to so of course I said yes.
"Theresa, honey, what's the matter? Where are you?"
"Across the street at a friend's house," she said and I could barely make out the words through her tears. "I have the boys with me. I don't know what to do, Uncle Jimmy."
"Sweetheart, I need you to breathe for me and tell me what's wrong."
"These men came to the house and one of them was a chaplain," she said and I got a real bad feeling. I had to sit down because my legs weren't going to hold me much longer. I had the phone to my ear with one hand and let my forehead fall into the heel of the other. I needed to stay strong for this poor girl on the phone. I could not start crying myself.
"I-I got Jack and Bobby to go play in Bobby's room so I could sit with Lou," she said and this was just getting worse and worse, "They said it was about Kid. He's missing, Uncle Jimmy. They aren't saying much more than that because they didn't recover a body but he's missing and I just don't know what to do."
"Missing?" I asked, "He's not dead then?"
"They said that we can't know," she answered, "No one else survived but then all the other bodies were found and they can't find him."
"Theresa, honey, are the boys good where they are? This friend, can she or her mom watch them?"
"Sure, Uncle Jimmy," she said trying to get a brave voice and I knew her she was trying to conjure up that brave face that her sister wore when things got tough.
"I want you to go back to your house. Are the men still there?"
"I think so," she said, "Let me look out the window. Yeah they are."
"Go home and try to get the information they are giving," I told her, "See to your sister. Make sure she eats something and take care of you too. Get her to bed if she'll go. I will call back at nine o'clock, okay? You wait for my call. Can you do that, sweetie?"
"Yeah I can do that," she said, "Uncle Jimmy?"
"What is it, honey?"
"I love you, you know that?"
"I love you too," I said and her words nearly made it impossible to speak. "I'll talk to you later."
I stood and hung the phone back on the wall and then slid down the wall and cried. I sobbed and pounded on the wall and I'm not ashamed to say I probably screamed too. This was my brother and right then he was either dead in a jungle or alive, possibly wounded and definitely terrified. I closed my eyes tight and tried to even get an image of what he might be going through or what his last moments had been like if indeed he was gone from us. I didn't know if it was denial or the connection granted us by virtue of having saved each other when we were younger but somehow I couldn't grasp him as being dead. It was like he was always this shining light for me. Like how boats gravitate toward the harbor shown them by a lighthouse. I could still see that light. It was dim and flickering and threatening to fade but it was there and as long as I could see it in my mind and feel it somewhere inside me, I had some faith that my brother was still out there.
"Well, Kid," I said somehow not feeling the slightest bit crazy talking out loud to someone who was on the other side of the globe. "I have to believe you're alive and I have to believe I'll see you again. You can't leave me. You just can't. You can't leave Lou with those kids either. Wherever you are, you stay safe now and get your ass on home to your family."
I straightened myself up, went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and then wrote a note to Joanie telling her where I'd be. I knew it would take me a while to do all I had to do and I knew she'd worry if I wasn't there starting supper when she got home. I could have called her at the office, she was working on a case, but I didn't know what to say.
I grabbed my jacket and headed to my car. I spent the whole drive trying to figure out what to say and nothing sounded right but maybe that was just the very wrong nature of the news I had. I pulled into the garage and went in. Jesse looked up at me with a smile.
"Hey Jimmy," he called out, "Guess what?"
I never did ask him what and once the news was out I don't think he cared to tell me anymore.
"Is Al in his office?"
"Yeah," he said looking a little put out that I wasn't just dying to hear his news. I never treated him like that and he looked kind of scared like he knew it was serious.
I made my way into Al's office and shut the door behind me. He looked up with a smile on his face that disappeared as soon as he saw me.
"Sit," he said and I did. I don't think I could've stood much longer anyway. I didn't know at all how to say what I had to so I just stared at him for a while and he didn't try to prod me. Sometimes the more important the thing that someone has to say, the more important you don't get too impatient for them to say it. Al knew stuff like that too.
"Theresa called me," I told him and I couldn't help the way my voice cracked. He knew it was bad and just nodded to me to keep talking. I could see the pain in his eyes. I might just as well have told him that his own son was, well, he didn't know what news exactly I had, just that it was bad and must be about Kid. "He's missing."
"Merciful God," was all he could say as he sank back into the back of his chair like he'd been punched. We both just sat there for a while not saying anything and yet speaking volumes between us as his eyes told me to keep hope and mine told him I couldn't bring myself not to.
"Well," he said at last as he put his hands on his knees to push himself off the chair. "I suppose we need to tell the family and see what we do next."
"I have to call Theresa back at nine," I said and my own voice seemed to be coming from some deep cave right about then.
He patted me and told me to stay sitting. My head felt real swimmy right then and I don't think I could have stood if I had to right then. He went and got me a drink of water and then sat back at his desk and started making phone calls. I only half heard him as he called Emma and told her to expect a houseful and that he would bring something for everyone to eat and not to worry herself any about that. I know after that he set to calling everyone else and telling them to meet at Emma's. I just sat there feeling like it should have been my job to make those calls but then Al told me later, without me saying a word to him, that he knew I wouldn't be able to and that it made him feel good to still feel useful, as if I could ever not need that man.
I don't know how much time passed before Al came and took me by the arm and led me toward Emma's. I could see Jesse wanted to ask what was happening but he didn't. I think he knew on some level he didn't want to know. He didn't know Kid really at all but he knew what he was to all of us. Kid's picture was on Emma's mantel in his uniform just like on the mantel of every mom who's waiting for her boy to come home from the war. I felt like I was sleepwalking all the way there and I might not have moved forward at all if Al wasn't gently leading me by the arm. He knew. He understood. He might not've seen all the broken bones or black eyes but he knew what was between us and he got that. I know he had lost men he fought alongside in the war and that had to have been the closest thing to what Kid and I had. We got to Emma's porch and I just stopped. I don't know if I forgot how to climb steps or if I just didn't want to. Al put an arm around me and prodded me forward. It looked like everyone was there. I guess not quite everyone because I heard someone running up behind me and felt Joanie's arms around my waist from the other side of me from Al. I thought for a moment that one of them was going to have to lift my legs to get from step to step but somehow I managed it with only a little stumble. We got in the door and everyone was talking and laughing like nearly any time we get together. They looked up at us and the look on my face and on Al's too and the room got quiet that quick and the smiles sort of dripped off of their faces. Everyone looked at me and I just didn't have the words. Joanie didn't know what was wrong exactly because I hadn't been real specific in my note but she squeezed me and I started to speak like I'd been waiting for her to lend me the strength.
"I, uh, I got a call today," I began and then the tears filled my eyes. They didn't fall right then but I couldn't talk anymore.
"It's okay, love," she said hugging me tighter, "It's okay."
Al picked up where I left off and his voice was shaking but at least he could form words. He told them how Theresa had called and what she called about. Emma tried to stay stoic and brave until she heard that he was believed, although not confirmed, dead. Then she let out a wail that broke my heart into more pieces than it already was. Jesse rushed to her side and Sam gripped her tight. The pain that wail spoke of cut through us all harder than the news we had just gotten. She just couldn't lose another son. Yet I think she believed she just had.
Al got me to a chair and Joanie knelt next to me holding me so tight. I will say I never would have gotten through this without her. I could feel her tears seeping through my shirt and I knew that some of them were for her own worry for him and her own hurt and some of them were for Lou and Theresa and the boys but most were for me. She loved me so much and knew how bad it hurt to think I might lose my brother or maybe even that I already had.
Talk started again once the shock settled and I heard people figuring what to do next. I couldn't even focus and I'm pretty sure the tears that sprang to my eyes earlier were falling. I just did not care at that point. The only thing that kept me going when I was a boy was gone or in a peril I couldn't help him with. He was scared and alone and I wasn't there to help. I couldn't lead him from that darkness. I couldn't assure him he wasn't alone. He was alone. He was completely alone. We promised each other when we was young that we'd never leave each other, that we would always be there for each other and each of us would protect the other one. I know it was a promise made when we were too young to appreciate the complexities of the world but it was a promise broken all the same. I broke a promise to my best friend.
After a while, time was sort of losing any real meaning to me about then, Al came over and crouched by me.
"You need to make that call soon, son," he said gently. I hadn't realized it was that late. I looked down and saw that someone had put a plate of food on my lap but I hadn't even noticed it before. I realized right about then that there was food in my mouth and Joanie was holding a fork. She had been feeding me. It wouldn't be the last time she would have to do that but that is a story for much later. I almost started crying again at the care she was showing me. I wasn't normally that weepy but it was an extreme set of circumstances.
I nodded at Al dumbly and then looked to him like I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to say to that little girl. I wasn't either.
"I'm taking the train," he told me, "First one out tomorrow morning. I'll be there probably sometime late tomorrow night. Tell Theresa to get them packed as best as she can. I'll stay a day or however long it takes to arrange whatever we need to arrange and then I am bringing them all back with me. We're working out now where they'll stay but that's hardly the big issue at this point. We need to get them home to their family the sooner the better. You just tell her I'm coming."
I nodded again and hoped I'd find my voice before I had to make the call. Joanie wiped at the corners of my mouth and lifted another forkful of food to my lips. I wasn't really hungry but I took it anyway.
The time came and Joanie led me to the phone in the kitchen where it was quieter. It wasn't all that noisy anymore anyway since Buck and Ike had to get their broods home so the little ones could get to bed but it was hard to talk with Emma sobbing only a few feet away from me. Joanie sat me down and dialed the number and handed me the receiver. I heard Theresa's scared voice answer.
"Uncle Jimmy?"
Words that had stuck in my throat broke loose and I started telling her the whole plan and how she only had to deal with things on her own for another day or so and then Al would be there. Her voice calmed a great deal at hearing that. Al was like the way a dad was supposed to be. Like on those shows on TV where father knew best and you could always count on him to keep his head and know what to say or do to make everything okay again. I got off the phone and Joanie just held me for a while.
"Have you talked to Lou at all?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Theresa can't get two words out of her besides 'no'," I answered, "She'll be here soon enough."
Al caught me as I was heading for the door.
"Jesse's insisting on trying to keep the garage open at least a little in the afternoons," he said, "Think you could maybe stop over and check in on him once in a while?"
I nodded and I was pretty proud of that kid right then. For him to want to help so badly that he would take it on himself at the ripe old age of fifteen to try to get and keep that garage open at least part of the days while the old man was away was pretty impressive and it spoke more to the man Al was than anything I did.
I don't remember it but somehow I ended up at home. I think at some point it occurred to me that I'd have to get my car but it wasn't my highest concern right then. Joanie pulled me into the apartment and straight to our room. She peeled my clothes off me and tucked me into bed almost like a child and then climbed in next to me and held me tight to her.
"He's not dead," she whispered, "I can tell that you somehow know that. He'll find his way home. You know he will. If there is any life left in him he will find his way back."
Oh crap...this one blindsided me. I knew it was coming from the very first chapter when I realized this was not a short story about a summer fling but still I thought I had more time...I had such fun writing Cody finally getting Sherry to marry him and then I looked to this chapter to see what came next and it hit me in the face that this is when this happened. I knew it too. Didn't make it any easier.-J