It was a full week or near to it before Al came home with Lou and the kids. The plan was for them to stay with Emma or between Emma and Al's place maybe. Plans changed awful quick when we saw the shape Lou was in and how harried Theresa looked. It was obvious that Lou hadn't been taking care of even herself and that Theresa had been doing it all. Al made all the decisions and sent the boys to Emma's and took Lou with him. He had thought to send Theresa to Emma's as well but Emma was a little concerned I think about having teenagers so close in age living in her home and I was worried she'd try to take on too much of the care of Bobby and Jack. I jumped in and said she could come home with me. I know the fold out in our living room wasn't the ideal situation but I also knew it wouldn't be permanent and would be better for her than being the one taking care of her sister and nephews. She needed to be able to be a kid and more than that she needed to be somewhere she could let her own feelings out.
As much as I wanted to rush in and take care of Lou I knew that she was in good hands. Al would see to her and Emma was right next door and Rachel would be around a little here and there too. I felt a little bad that I hadn't even talked it over with Joanie before I brought an almost fourteen year old girl to our place but I just didn't think of it to be honest. I had a habit of not thinking. Of course it turned out fine because Joanie always adored Theresa and as it turns out would have been pretty steamed at me if I hadn't brought her home with me. The very first night Theresa was there I got up in the middle of the night to hit the bathroom. I could hear the sniffling the moment I opened the bedroom door and I only needed to look up to see Theresa sitting up with her back against the back of the sofa and her knees pulled tight to her chest just sobbing her heart out. I decided my bladder could make it a while longer and crossed the room to her. She wasn't even aware that she wasn't alone anymore until I sat down on the edge of the bed. She looked up at me and quickly tried to dry her tears on the sleeves of her nightgown.
"I'm okay," she said, "Really I am."
Her tears got my own flowing and I opened my arms to her and she scooted over to me and laid her head on my chest.
"You're not okay," I told her, "I'm not either. I don't even think we're supposed to be."
There really weren't words to be said after that. I cried and let her cry and eventually we sort of cried ourselves out. I straightened up and brushed the tears away from her eyes
"Better?" I asked and she nodded. "You think you have to hide those tears?"
"The boys don't even entirely understand," she said, "And Lou…"
I just nodded at her knowing how Lou was the brief amount of time I had seen her before Al hustled her off to his spare room. There was hardly a trace of the spunky girl I used to know.
"That's why you're here, you know," I explained, "Because we know you're hurting too and you're still just a girl and you don't need to be taking on everyone else's pain at the cost of not dealing with your own. You know I love you like you were my own kid sister, right?" She nodded at me. "I'm going to try to be here for you if you give me the chance, okay?"
"Okay," she sniffed. I hugged her again and then headed to the bathroom to do what I had needed to do before. Once that was taken care of I went back to bed thankful that it didn't look like Joanie had moved since I had gotten up. I didn't want to be messing up her sleep right then. I nearly fell into bed as the late hour and the emotional exhaustion hit me like a haymaker. I rolled over to go to sleep and didn't even get settled before two arms wound their way around me.
"Are you alright, James?" Joanie asked me.
I rolled back over so I was facing her.
"I don't even know how to answer that," I said, "In guess no, I'm not but then I'm as okay as I think I have a right to be and maybe even more so. I just don't know anything anymore."
"I was worried when you didn't come back to bed right away."
"Theresa was crying," I explained, "Poor thing. I think she's been doing all her crying in the middle of the night when she wouldn't upset or bother anyone."
"Is she better now?"
"She was already asleep by the time I came out of the bathroom."
"Good," Joanie said softly, "Now you need your sleep too. You haven't had a full night since you got the news."
I held her tighter in the darkness and she started to rub little circles and random shapes on my back. I felt safe and maybe even something close to whole right then.
"Tell me it's going to be okay," I pleaded, "I can believe it when you say it."
"Everything is going to be fine," she soothed me, "Kid will be found and he will come home and help Lou raise those little boys and then we'll have a couple little ones of our own too and we'll all get together in the summer and have cookouts and when the kids are all grown and gone we'll get together like we used to do and have a beer or two while we play euchre. We'll laugh about the old times and the silly things we did and then we'll laugh at all the new memories we haven't even made yet. When you are an older man sitting and still arguing about the Tigers' chances at a pennant with Kid this night and this whole frightening time will seem so far off that it will hardly even seem like it really happened."
It sounded so good the way she said it and I could close my eyes and know that somewhere out there my brother was trying to find his way home to us and that he was one determined man. He would make it back someday and we all just needed some faith in him. I was finally able to fall asleep.
The next day was mercifully a Friday. Eventually Kid being missing would become as much a part of life as seeing the Ambassador Bridge in the distance but at that point it was new and everything I did that was normal felt wrong somehow.
The final bell rang and Ray Hastings, one of the English teachers, leaned into my office.
"Hey Jim," he said, "Bunch of us guys are heading out for drinks. You want to join us? That is if you can tear yourself away from that pretty wife of yours."
I thought for a second and I knew that being a Friday Joanie might be home so I called.
"Hey beautiful," I said, "Some of the guys are heading out for a couple of drinks."
"You should go," she said quickly and I knew she was hoping that getting out and hanging with friends might pull me out of my funk that I was in. "It'll be good for you. I'm sure Theresa and I can manage by ourselves."
So I went. It's not that I never went out with the guys after work and it's not that my old friends and I never found time to just play cards or have a few beers or anything it's just that I saw Joanie so seldom it seemed between work and school for the both of us that often I felt better about coming home to her. That night it seemed a change of scenery might just do me some good. I love Theresa and I wasn't kidding at all when I said she was like my own kid sister. I know she called me uncle but that was just because her situation was strange. She was being raised by her sister so her sister and brother-in-law were her folks for the most part and I'm their friend but then I don't know it worked when she was little to call me uncle and it sort of became habit. Might have been a habit that died as she got older if not for the boys. She got to a point where she almost started calling Lou mom just because that's how she would reference her to the boys. She treated those boys like her brothers too and not her nephews. Like I said it was a strange situation. I did love that girl and I was glad to bring her home with me for however long she needed to be there but looking at her sometimes was like an indictment against me that I couldn't answer to.
Kid may have been her sister's husband but he was the closest to a dad she'd ever known and unlike the boys, she was old enough to understand everything all too well. Sometimes I just couldn't take looking at her wounded little eyes.
Well, the bar was crowded and happy and a part of me wanted to just turn right around and leave. Ray put a hand on my shoulder.
"You need to relax man," he said, "I know you've had a rough week or so. Just try cutting loose a little."
I ordered a beer and started nursing on that. At some point and I don't remember exactly when because many parts of this night are a little fuzzy for me and some parts are just gone all together. But at some point and I am thinking it was near to the end of that beer I was slowly nursing along, Ray put a shot glass in front of me. Now I never shied away from drinking but I'd spent a good deal of my life seeing what it did to my folks and it's not that I blamed the booze necessarily but I feared often enough that the same monster that lived in my old man lived in me too and it seemed that alcohol was the key that unlocked that monster's cage. So I usually steered clear of the hard stuff and just drank the occasional beer. I shook my head at the offered shot of whiskey.
"Really you do need to lighten up, Jim," Ray said looking concerned about me. I downed the shot and winced a little at the sting of it. I like whiskey just fine but there's a little burn to it and if you haven't had any in a while it takes some getting used to. I let the liquid slide down my throat and felt the warmth spread through my body. It felt good and I nodded for another. After about three or four shots I realized that it was the first time in a week or more that I didn't hurt. It was like the hand that had been squeezing my heart to near breaking had finally let up. I just kept ordering shots of whiskey and eventually I not only felt no pain, I felt nothing at all. Feeling nothing was the closest to feeling good I figured I could hope for so I kept drinking. I don't remember much past that. I guess Ray somehow got me home and come Monday he asked about my head which really hadn't entirely recovered even then.
I woke the next morning alone in my bed. I think I would have woken up on the couch if not for Theresa being there already. Instead when I staggered to the bathroom that morning to toss what little was hanging out in my stomach; I saw Joanie and Theresa sharing the fold out. That didn't bode well but I couldn't really dwell on it too much. My stomach lurched again and I hurried into the bathroom and made it to my knees in front of the toilet just in time. As I knelt there heaving with my insides feeling like they wanted to become outsides I had a brief vision of the filthy bathroom I had knelt in the night before. I will tell you that most bathrooms in bars aren't places you want to use the urinal in let alone kneel on the floor of. Somehow I could remember the cool of the bar bathroom porcelain against my cheek and that knowledge brought another wave of fruitless convulsing from my stomach as there just wasn't anything left to bring up. I laid my head on the side of the toilet bowl in our apartment, the toilet bowl that I had personally cleaned more than once and when I didn't I knew Joanie did, the toilet bowl that was disinfected and springtime fresh. In that moment it was my very best friend in the world.
I heard the bedroom door close loudly and jerked myself upright. I think I had dozed a little there with my head against the bowl. I turned to see Theresa standing there waiting to use the room I was in. I smiled sheepishly at her.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"I think I feel about how I deserve to feel," I answered as I walked past her and braved the bedroom.
"So you didn't die in there," Joanie said coldly once I got the door closed behind me.
"Death would be too easy for me," I replied, "I don't recall a single thing last night but somehow I know I ought to apologize."
"Do you even have the slightest idea what you are like when you are drunk?"
Well, the only other times I had been drunk it had been with guys who was drinking as much as me and was suffering the same memory problems come the next morning so I really didn't. I just shook my head.
"You are loud and obnoxious which I could tolerate," she began, "I got you into bed and then found out you are also grabby and quite tenacious at it, I might add."
Between the flashes of anger I could see the fear in her eyes. I looked down at my feet not daring to look back up at her face. I just couldn't handle what I was seeing there.
"I'm sorry, baby," I started.
"You chauvinist pig!" she yelled at me, "Baby? I am not your baby, I am your wife!"
"Joanie, I'm really sorry. It's just been so hard, you know."
"It's been hard for all of us," she shot back, "Probably most of all for that little girl who didn't need to see a man she worships come home in the state you did last night."
I just stared blankly at her.
"Kid was the only father she ever knew and now she's looking to you," Joanie said but I don't think she even realized what she said. Tears sprang to my eyes and I know she thought it was guilt and part of it was but the rest, well the rest was her choice of words.
"Was?" I asked, "He was?"
"Is," she corrected, "He is the only father she's known. You know what I meant, James."
"I wish I didn't," I told her, "I've studied Psychology, remember? I know all about Freudian slips and the subconscious."
"James, I really didn't mean that," she said begging me to believe her and I wanted to, I really did. She'd been the only one who could make me feel like I wasn't crazy believing he was still alive and coming home someday. If I lost that I didn't know where or how I'd find footing again.
"I only meant," she went on, "That he's been her father. It's been over a year now since he's gone and she's searching for another father figure. She needs that and she needs one as strong and safe as Kid always was when he was there. He'll be again for her, I know he will and you know he will. She's at a tough age to not have someone like that around though. A picture on a mantel is not a father. You're here and you need to pull yourself together for her and for you too. You think you're doing your brother any favors acting the way you are?"
Once again that seemed my cue to look at my feet. I swear my feet aren't any more interesting than anyone else's but sometimes it must look to other people like they are for as much as I stare at them.
"I'm sorry, Joanie," I mumbled.
"Are you coming to Temple?" she asked and I hadn't even really noticed what day it was until then. There was no way I was going too much of anywhere feeling like I did and especially not somewhere that I had to wear a tie. I love the chanting as much as the next person but that chanting with the way my head was pounding just didn't seem like a good idea. Besides, my stomach was still doing flip flops and I didn't think the drive all the way out to Bloomfield Hills was going to do me much good at all. I know there was synagogues closer to us but Joanie was comfortable there and so was I. I had my conversion there and we'd been married there and it was kind of a home of sorts. I shook my head and that wasn't really the right answer, I realized too late. It might not seem that some questions have right and wrong answers but if you've ever been married then you know that's not true. Most questions do and sometimes the truth is the wrong answer. It surely was that morning but thankfully she didn't yell at me. I never liked getting the look from her but it was easier on my aching head than the yelling.
"Fine," she said, "Theresa and I will go on our own. She said she wanted to see what it was like since the only time she's been was at our wedding."
With that she stalked out and not so much as a kiss goodbye. I trailed after her and caught her putting on her coat.
"I am sorry, Joanie," I said braving looking into her dark eyes, "I really love you and I know I wouldn't get through a single thing without you."
She gave me a quick kiss and that was all I needed to make me feel like I had some sort of hope in my life. I gave Theresa a hug and whispered to her, "I'm sorry I've been such a selfish jerk. You deserve better. I'll be better."
"I still love you," she whispered back.
"I love you too," I said and placed a kiss on her forehead.
They left and I went back to feeling rotten. I looked around my empty apartment and felt too lonesome to stay there and I knew Joanie would go and have lunch with her folks and maybe Uncle Eli and Aunt Naomi so I had time to kill. I decided to see if Al could use the company or maybe a little help with Lou.
I got over there and knocked on the door. Al looked tired and worn down but greeted me with a smile. I saw Rachel peek out of the kitchen to see who was there.
"Jimmy," she said opening her arms to me, "I'm glad you came for a visit."
There was something different between them and I looked from Al to Rachel trying to figure what it was. Finally Al spoke.
"We ain't made a big fuss about it or nothing but things happening like they did reminded me about how short life can be and how you can't wait to tell people what they mean to you," he said by way of explaining but I still didn't get what he was explaining. "That train to go get Lou didn't take off real early so I had time to get a little bit of paperwork filed and I asked Rachel here something and she said yes. When I got home we had everything pretty much in order and we went to the Justice of the Peace yesterday and got married."
I just stared at him. I had hoped that meeting Rachel would bring him some joy but I never had gotten to dreaming quite this much. Rachel blushed and I felt a little for her that there was no party for her to celebrate being a bride but I don't think she missed it. I know she had a nice wedding the first time around and Al had a couple of them and now it was more about the what came after. They would spend the rest of their lives together and that was more important than cake or champagne or any of the rest of it.
"Congratulations, old man," I said shaking his hand and then I hugged Rachel and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "For luck, just in case you need it."
"Now why are you on my porch on a Saturday morning looking like the world has ended? Aren't you usually in the Temple with your wife?" he asked.
We sat down while Rachel fetched some coffee and I explained how drinks with the guys turned into a shot of whiskey and how a shot of whiskey turned into not remembering how many shots of whiskey and not remembering how I got home and apparently trying to some degree or another to force myself on my wife and then about the fight we'd had that morning. He winced a couple of times but it was the kind of wince that you make when you relate too well to what's being said.
Rachel chuckled at me a little. I looked up at her thinking that she would have sided right away with Joanie and with good reason too.
"It's pretty funny how bad men can mess up, isn't it?" I asked her completely missing her point.
"Actually I was laughing at how Joanie doesn't even know how lucky she is. You've been married almost a year and a half and you were together how long before that?"
"Four years," I answered.
"So in five and a half years she's never seen you drunk or ugly before," she concluded, "That's pretty good. And you are dealing with a lot right now."
"I'm not the only one," I pointed out and the other two looked toward the hallway. I knew Lou was down there.
"No but you are entitled to a slip now and then," she said and I already liked her but I decided that Al had maybe found the perfect woman because she moved into this nurturing role for all us misguided kids he picked up.
"I feel so helpless," I said, "Kid's in some kind of danger or something and I can't help. I used to help him and he helped me and neither one of us can anymore."
Rachel shared a look with Al and excused herself.
"Son, I know you've heard more than you ever wanted to about my time in the war," Al began and I had heard a lot but I always kind of liked his stories. "See the men over in Germany and France and Japan weren't the only ones fighting the war. Everyone fought that war. They didn't call it a world war for nothing. People at home conducted air raid drills and collected rubber and metal and lived on rations all for the war effort. Not only did those things help the troops by giving them resources they needed but knowing that they weren't fighting alone and that everyone was holding down the fort until they got back made it easier on us to do what needed doing over there."
"So I should have a scrap metal drive and have Joanie plant a victory garden?"
"That wasn't exactly my point," he said, "You're taking care of Theresa right now and if we all pitch in and take care of Lou and the boys you know that would be a huge load off of his mind wherever he is. You know he is counting on us to keep things going while he's trying to get back to us."
I thought about it and decided that I couldn't do much for Theresa right then but maybe I could later and then I could see more to those boys and for right then I could make my way down that hallway and try to lure his wife out of her shell a little. I stood and nodded toward the hall and Al just smiled at me that I'd figured it out. I don't think I was quite prepared for what I found. I expected maybe a disheveled and crying woman but Lou was neither. Obviously Rachel had seen to brushing her hair and getting her into some clothes and Lou wasn't in the bed as I'd half expected. She was sitting by the window. Just sitting and staring out the window. I don't know what she was seeing but it sure wasn't the few stray snowflakes drifting past the leafless oak in the front yard.
"Lou," I said softly like I think I was afraid that anything might tip the balance of this quiet and I'd have some half-crazed devil on my hands or something. "You mind if I sit a spell with you?"
She still didn't move, not at all. I walked in and sat on the edge of the bed that was across from the chair she sat in. Her dark eyes were wide and sort of glassy. I honestly wondered how long she had been like that. Had there been tears or hysterics or had she just gone inside herself and locked the door behind herself?
"He's out there, you know," I said taking her hand and rubbing the back of it with my thumb. "He's trying to come home. I know you feel him too. Is that where you are? The place inside where you can feel him? I can feel him too. He's there and he still loves us. We have to love him back, you hear? Please hear me, Lou. He needs to feel your love coming back to him."
I sat a while longer and just held her hand and stared out the window a while and I didn't see that tree anymore than she did. I found that place inside me where I could hear his voice and I could feel him and I knew he wouldn't break his promise to always be there. He still was and I knew somehow I would see my brother again and Lou would have her husband back. We'd get through it but we'd have to do it together or we wouldn't be able to at all.
After a while I talked a little more to her and told her I was keeping an eye on her sister for her. I assured her that I was getting Theresa into school on Monday and that I'd make sure she was alright until Lou could do it herself again. I told her I'd look in on the boys now and again too but that Emma was taking care of them so they were in good hands.
"Well, I've got to be getting home now," I told her standing up but still not releasing her hand, "I messed it up with Joanie and I have to fix that. You'd probably laugh at my fool self any other time. I'll come back and visit you soon, okay?"
I didn't expect her to answer and she didn't, she just kept looking out that window. I leaned over and kissed her cheek and then whispered in her ear, "I love you Lou. We all love you. You need anything, just call for me."
And then I left.
I went home but I stopped at Meijer on the way and grabbed a few things. I had to find a way to make up for my behavior to the ladies so I needed a few things. I got home and set to work.
By the time Joanie and Theresa got home I was showered and shaved—I was still smelling like the bathroom floor of a bar when they'd gone—and dressed in clean clothes. I had flowers on the table, two bouquets; one for each of them and the table was set all nice. Dinner was nearly done. I had taken, on a whim, a cooking class when I was in college. Sometimes you just need to take something because it sounds sort of fun and sometimes you need some random elective just to fill out your course load. I hadn't ever made a lot of the things I learned in that class but that night my ladies were treated to lasagna and garlic bread and a salad as well. I sort of cheated and got a carton of ice cream for dessert but it was chocolate so they didn't mind too much. We spent the rest of the evening watching TV and talking and it felt kind of like being a real family or something. If I only knew then how different it is when it really is your own kids I don't know if I would have been so excited to have kids. But that night I redeemed myself to my girls and they were happy with me. Theresa gave me a big hug before bed and I don't think she cried at all that night. Joanie even snuggled back up to me in bed and I felt like maybe I had some sort of handle on things—for a while at least.
So yeah...Jimmy got wordy on me and how would we recognize JB Hickok (in any year) without him at least once handling his problems by climing into a bottle of whiskey and acting like a jerk?
Um...Meijer...used to be a Michigan only thing but I think it's expanded...still kind of regional though...they were like super WalMart before there was such a thing...the whole groceries plus everything else...my friend and I joke that Meijer is where you go when you need lip gloss, motor oil, a potted plant, a slinky and a gallon of milk all at 2 a.m.-they're open 24 hrs too...heheeh. Seriously once I went in to get things I forgot to get for my son's birthday cake and there was a guy heading to the checkout with two industrial size jars of pickles and a dustpan...it was one in the morning...I really wish I knew the story behind that one...
I think that's it though...jsut like tell me what you think and stuff.-J