I don't even know how long I sat there just staring after her tail lights. How could I have messed up so badly? I couldn't even fathom that I could want anyone but Joanie. Really. I know that's the kind of thing guys say but really. I hadn't ever even thought Rosemary was all that pretty. Not next to my girl anyway. My girl. Like I could even hope for such a thing now. She had been my girl. She had trusted me with everything. She turned to me when she got scared, when people were mean. She set aside her lofty ideals of what it meant to be an independent woman and allowed herself to need me and once I had all that trust I just threw it in her face. I was worse than Stan really. He never hid what he was. I did. I lied. I didn't even deserve her anymore. Eventually I made my way back up to the apartment which was empty. Rosemary had gone. I was glad of it. I'm not usually one to wish anyone ill but if I got word right then that she had taken a tumble off the Ambassador Bridge I think it might've brought a smile to my face. I won't go as far as to say she was evil but she was self serving and didn't really concern herself with who she hurt. Those are things I should have already known. A woman willing to use and hurt her own husband and child for her ambitions is no one to be trifled with.

Hell I wasn't really mad at her. Well, I was but not nearly as mad as I was at myself. I let her in. I let her get her hands on me and worst of all, I responded to her. Joanie was right all along about Rosemary and what she would mean. If she had told me her fears I would have told her she had nothing to worry about but that would have been just one more lie.

I sat alone in the apartment all night and never even bothered to turn on a light. I thought once or twice about calling Joanie. I was pretty sure I knew where she was. She wouldn't go to Sherry's because Sherry and Billy were living together of course now that they was married. She wouldn't go to her folks yet because she would be too embarrassed. She'd be at her sister's place. I knew Judy's number as well and maybe better than I knew my own. She was like a sister to me too though I was pretty sure that was gone too. I couldn't ever seem to bring myself to pick the phone up to call though.

I didn't call anyone actually. How could I call any of my friends, the people who'd been like family and tell them what I'd done? It wasn't the first time, nor the last, that I wished Kid was there or at least was somewhere I could call him. He'd tell me what an idiot I was but then he always knew I was an idiot and he loved me anyway. I knew no matter how bad I messed up he always would. He'd tell it like it is but he'd still care and still be my brother. I couldn't face the rest of them.

I got up to get a beer and barked my shin but good on the end table not once but twice. I swear I knew where that thing was. Hell, it was probably Bubbe Goldman haunting me and making sure I knew she was right about me all along. I couldn't even consider sleeping in my bed alone so I just laid on the couch. I couldn't even bring myself to unfold it. There'd be too much room and I couldn't stand that. Besides the case of Stroh's I had opened when I got back up to the apartment was getting low so I wasn't real sure I could stand long enough to get the stupid thing unfolded anyway.

The next day was pretty much the same but I staggered my way to the corner to pick up more beer. It wasn't making me feel better really to drink like that but it was making me feel less and given that everything I felt was hurt that was an improvement of sorts.

The rest of the day I spent just staring at our wedding pictures and the Ketubah as it hung on the wall. Eventually the light faded and I was still sitting on the couch drinking yet another beer. Really that's all I did at all. I wondered how long before everyone was going to know what terrible thing I had done. I knew Joanie wasn't going to go out of her way to tell the guys but she was friends with Sherry and Carol and Lou too and she had to work with Noah sometimes so he would find out sooner or later too. The next day was Sunday and I knew we'd be missed at dinner. Joanie wouldn't show for fear that I'd be there and I wasn't going because I didn't want to have to make a grand announcement of what a lousy husband I was and how I had just ended my marriage in one stupid act.

I don't think I fell asleep so much as I passed out. I woke the next day sometime after noon. My head felt like lead. Yeah I know I had that coming. Between the amount of beer I had consumed which was much more than I typically did and what I had done to make my wife storm off, I deserved a lot and the headache and bruises on my shins didn't even begin to pay me back for how I had messed up. I knew about the time I headed to the kitchen for my first Stroh's of the day that Emma was going to be expecting me to pull up to her house and reach to get that platter down for her. I must have been right too because about a half hour after that the phone started ringing. I wanted to answer but then I didn't want to either. So I let it ring. It started again a few minutes later and when it stopped ringing for the second time I took it off the hook so I wouldn't have to be reminded of everyone I let down. Emma and Al put so much into me. To find out the kind of man I turned into despite their best efforts, well, it wasn't fair to them at all. And Jesse looked up to me and came to me with problems, Theresa too. How the hell was I supposed to help them, to be any good in their lives after what I had done?

I just kept drinking and I was good and wobbly by the time I heard the pounding on the door. I wasn't going to answer it but Sam started bellowing and even hollering that he'd bust the door down if I didn't. I figured he knew how to what with being a cop and all so I saved him the trouble. There he stood with Emma right next to him. She'd been crying. I could tell. Sam looked about ready to kick my ass for worrying her but she patted him on the arm and he excused himself saying he'd be waiting in the car. Emma pushed past me without waiting for an invitation inside. I closed the door behind her.

"Do you have any idea how worried we all have been about you, Jimmy?" she near to yelled at me, "I was expecting you and Joanie and neither of you shows and no phone call and you won't even pick up the phone? I half thought to start calling hospitals!"

I just looked at my feet.

"Where's Joanie?" Emma asked looking around quickly and starting to look panicked.

"I don't know for sure but if I had to guess I'd say at her sister's."

"What on earth is she doing at Judy's?"

I collapsed into a chair and told her the whole story. I might've even cried. She sat there with her jaw set and then came over to me and put her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm disappointed in you, Jimmy," she said, "But you still should have called at the very least. And you had better be there next week no matter how this plays out. I mean it now."

"Yes ma'am," I said, or I thought I did but the look on her face and I think I might've said 'mom' instead.

"I love you, you know that?" she asked me and I just nodded.

I watched her get nearly to the door and I stopped her and pulled her into a hug. She hugged me back so tight I thought she might crack my ribs.

"I love you too, Emma," I whispered, "Thanks."

She was gone then and I was alone once more. I suppose I could have gone with her and eaten a plate of leftovers and maybe even had the guys to commiserate with but it still didn't really feel right being around other people. And as good as it felt when she told me she loved me and when she hugged me, I still felt a little like I didn't deserve such things. Joanie was somewhere, probably Judy's and she wasn't feeling good so I guessed I shouldn't feel good either. Especially since it was me that made her feel bad in the first place.

I put away another case of Stroh's and passed out on the couch again. Pounding on the door the next morning woke me up and made the pounding in my head even worse. I wasn't even awake enough to think how I didn't want visitors so I shuffled my way to the door and opened it to see Judy standing there with her nostrils flaring like a bull about to gore a matador to death. I stepped aside real quick but apparently not quick enough because I felt the sting before I even noticed her hand had come up. Damn, she hit harder than her sister even.

"Nice," she said dryly appraising both me and the state of the apartment, "Is this a private pity party or can anyone join?"

I had to look away from her glare. I deserved it and I knew it but I couldn't look at it. I had no right to feel sorry for myself and I knew that too.

"Don't even try to tell me you didn't know where she'd go," Judy went on, "She's been sitting there crying all this time. She won't admit it but she's waiting for you to call. She looks so hopeful every time the damned phone rings and it's never you! I almost didn't come here either. You made this mess and I've been cleaning it for you and I even have to clean this part too. Do you even think of anyone else at all?"

She didn't give me time to even think about an answer before speaking again.

"You know it's not just her or you that you hurt, right?" she went on ranting, "I just got used to having a big brother and you have to go and try to throw it all away. What is this going to do to Mom and Dad if they have to find out? They don't, you know. You could fix this. She still loves you and obviously you'd be taking better care of yourself if you didn't love her and wanted her gone."

"Judy," I said finally finding my voice a little, "You don't understand. I can't fix this."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No."

"Had you kissed her before that day?"

"No," I said thinking how like her father and sister she was. It astounded me that she wasn't interested in the law.

"Did you want to kiss her?"

"No," I repeated one more time, "Rosemary isn't even that pretty and she's a terrible person. I know all that but she was on me and, and…"

I couldn't even finish the sentence. I knew Judy was no stupid girl and I had my suspicions that she wasn't even all that innocent anymore after her first year at school but still I couldn't bring myself to say what Rosemary had been doing to me.

"I know what she did," Judy said, "You're just a guy after all. You couldn't entirely help the response. I'm still furious with you and you have some major groveling to do but I don't think all is lost. It better not be and you'd better be willing to fight for any chance to save it!"

"You think there's a chance?" I asked desperately.

"Not the way you look or smell right now," she said wrinkling her nose, "Get in the bathroom now. Shower, shave and brush your teeth. I'll lay out some clothes and clean this mess. Did you buy out the whole stinking liquor store?"

I didn't even answer her because I'm pretty sure she wasn't really asking anyway. I went into the bathroom and got a look at myself. I was a wreck and I had been just throwing myself a pity party. I was scruffy and needed a shave and my hair was greasy and given that I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink but beer for days I was sure I smelled even worse than I normally would for skipping a few showers. I hadn't changed clothes in all that time either. If there was anything left to fight for or any hope of winning Joanie back it wasn't going to happen with me looking like I did right then. I stripped down and stepped into a hot shower and scrubbed hard. I was dirty, yes but I also felt for a bit like maybe I could wash away what I'd done. I couldn't and I figured that out before I rubbed all my skin away. I did feel a little better for soap and shampoo and water though. I got out of the tub and toweled off then wiped the fog off the mirror and set to getting rid of the stubble that at some times in my life and on some men was considered sexy. I wasn't one of those men and that wasn't one of those times. Then I brushed my teeth and even swished some Listerine around my mouth and dared to look at myself. It wasn't too bad. I wrapped the towel back around my waist and headed to my room.

Judy was just putting the last few things on my bed for me to wear. It was a little awkward to be standing there in nothing but a towel. I don't think as much for her but she was too pragmatic for something like that to bother her much anyway. She smiled at me though.

"Well, that's a start anyway," she said patting my cheek, "Hurry and get dressed and come on out."

I started getting dressed thinking that if I had any standing left at all as a big brother to Judy that I'd have to have a little talk with her. Whatever our relationship had been ever, she shouldn't have been that comfortable being faced with a man in nothing but a towel. That was my thought at the time anyway. I've mellowed a damn sight since then but then we've all lived a lot since then and she was still just a kid in my eyes. She was always younger than me but right then I was still adjusting to the fact that younger than me didn't still mean a baby. I still felt pretty young myself and someone younger than me must be too young to make those kinds of decisions. I mean I did get okay with the thought of her kissing someone but being that okay with a man in a towel and in a bedroom no less meant that she'd most likely been doing a whole lot more than kissing. I just needed to check up on her.

I was a little surprised at the clothes Judy laid out for me. For starters I thought she would want me to be more dressy but she pulled out a pair of jeans. They were one of my better pairs but still people didn't wear jeans the same way as now back then. Most schools wouldn't allow students to wear jeans to class even. What she laid out was really more like what I used to wear when Joanie and I first met. Of course I started to figure out that maybe that was the point after all. Judy knew her sister like few others did. I came out of the bedroom and really looked at the place. Judy had cleaned it up nice and I knew it was because she anticipated me bringing my girl home. I thought she had a lot of confidence in a man who didn't merit such a thing but then she was as smart as her sister so maybe I should just go with whatever she said. Judy stood there holding my old leather jacket. I hardly wore the thing anymore but I had kept it because Joanie liked it. I guess I knew Joanie had some feelings for James Dean and that jacket was the closest I was going to come to being him.

"Come on," Judy said as I slipped the jacket on. I followed dutifully to her car.

"How am I going to get back home?" I asked.

"I guess you'd better be prepared to fight for her," she said unsympathetically, "Because either the two of you are taking the 'Vette back or you're walking."

I cringed. Ann Arbor wasn't far by car but on foot it wouldn't be good which would leave me calling someone for a ride. I knew I had to really be on my game.

I was quiet for a while in the car but I knew I wasn't going to be able to do this without some help.

"I know you have a plan," I said, "Please, Judy, I need all the help I can get. What can I even say to her? I tried apologizing already."

"You tried apologizing right then," she clarified, "She was humiliated Jimmy. She was hurt and she was scared. Your sorries didn't mean much then. Try again but make sure she knows what you're sorry for. If you're sorry for what you did it means more than if you're just sorry you got caught."

I didn't talk a lot after that just thinking but as we got closer Judy had some more to tell me.

"I trusted you," she said and I thought she might cry, "I have watched boys hurt her one way or another for years. I trusted you with my sister. I don't have anything more precious in the world to me than her. You promised me you would take care of her."

"I am so sorry I let you down, Short Stuff," I said daring to use the nickname I'd given her what seemed a lifetime ago. "I don't have a defense. I screwed up. I let everyone down. I thought I was better than that. If I can get your sister to give me another chance I will be better than that."

"You know the worst part of this whole thing?" she asked me biting her lip to try to hold back the tears. "When she's this upset or when anything goes wrong I usually call you. I couldn't do that this time. I came to rely on you so much. We all do."

Judy blinked a few times and cleared her throat.

"You better fix this," she said sternly, "I don't want to lose my big brother."

"Well I can't even think about losing my wife," I said resolutely and I think either the beer was finally wearing off or something because I was gaining some confidence and I was surely determined. The only thing I could think of was that I maybe had a chance to bring my girl home and fall asleep holding her tight to me that night and there was nothing in the world I wanted more than that. Hell even now I can't think of anything I'd rather have.

Judy pulled into the parking lot and came to a stop. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to beat faster but it did right then. Judy seemed to think there was still a chance but what if there wasn't or worse yet, what if there was but I messed it up like I did everything else. At least Judy was there. Maybe she'd help.

"Go on, now," she said looking at me impatiently, "I'm going shopping with Aunt Naomi. The door's open."

I slowly got out of Judy's car. I didn't want to get out. I didn't want to go up there all alone. I know that's childish but I was scared half to death. I heard Judy get out of the car and come over to me.

"At the rate you're walking you won't be at the front door of the building before I get back."

"I'm scared, Jude," I said, "Left to my own devices I screwed up royally."

"You did this time but left to your own devices in the past you won her heart. You always know what to say to her. Go say it."

And she rose on her toes and kissed my cheek before getting back into her car and heading off to her day of shopping with Aunt Naomi. I stood there stock still for a moment or two and then began walking toward what could either be the greatest reward of my life or my ultimate doom. I trudged up the stairs to the second floor with my heart in my throat and my heart being lodged there was probably the only thing keeping me from losing whatever of the beer I'd drunk that might still be left in my stomach from coming up on the steps. If I failed…if I failed I literally had nothing. If I couldn't win her back I would lose the one person who ever believed in me. Anything I had, it seemed, I owed to her. I just couldn't lose but then I knew how easily I could mess this up. I might've mentioned that guys don't always say the right thing. This story makes it sound like I always do but that's just 'cause those are the parts I'd rather tell. I don't need everyone knowing how many times my foot was pretty well lodged in my mouth.

Before I knew it I was standing in front of the apartment door. I think I probably stood there a good fifteen minutes analyzing every detail of the numbers there. It was apartment 2B and there was a bit of paint missing from the top of the B. The 2 was a little tilted too. Damn, I knew I was just being a coward so finally I took a big breath and reached for the doorknob.

No one here wants to know how close Jimmy came to a drunken "accident". Honestly thought occured to me during his pity party that he's on the 3rd floor and a little shove and he'd break his neck for sure...cops would smell the beer on him...but I was good. I guess next chapter we'll see how good he is.-J