It took every ounce of courage I had to turn that doorknob and I half hoped that Judy had forgotten that she had locked the door or that Joanie had gotten scared and locked it herself but she hadn't. The knob turned and the door opened. If I live to be a thousand I will never forget what I saw when I opened the door. Joanie's face was swollen to near unrecognizable from crying. It was splotchy and red and her knees were pulled tight to her chest. She wasn't crying right then but I knew the tears were right at the edge of falling anyway.

"Hi Joanie," I said and I know I was talking real soft and I think I almost wanted her to not hear me but she did. She didn't say anything, just hugged her knees tighter to her with one hand while the other one reached for the star hanging around her neck. I felt kind of encouraged that she was still wearing the star and that I could still see the glint of the diamond on her left hand.

What wasn't encouraging was how hard she started crying when she heard my voice. I had broken her heart. I vowed to myself right then and there that if I could get her to give me another shot I would never again be the cause of her pain. I'd do better. I'd take better care of her. I'd love her more and show it more and never let her feel like this again. I dared to walk over to the couch and sit down next to her.

"I'm an idiot, Joanie," I said, "I've got no excuse. I let something happen I shouldn't have. I let her in even knowing what she was, what she had tried with Billy. I am so sorry I even let myself in that situation."

"Do you love her?" she barely whispered.

"No, Joanie, I love you," I insisted, "Just you. It's always been you."

"Was she at least good?"

There was the bitterness.

"I didn't sleep with her. I swear to you I didn't. She felt all wrong."

"What was she even doing in our home, James?" she pleaded with me.

"She wanted me to help her with the custody of Michael," I told her, "She thought she could get my testimony by coming on to me. It wasn't going to work and it surely won't now."

"If I didn't come home when I did," Joanie began and I cut her off.

"Please don't do this," I nearly begged because it's not a question I wanted posed. It was a question I was afraid of—still am.

"Don't do what, James?" she said starting to get angry though I guess for that she was probably already angry. "Don't ask you what you're ashamed to answer? Don't ask the question that will break my heart? Why not? You didn't look like you were thinking about my heart when I walked in."

I had no idea how to answer but she sure did.

"I think I am building a life with a good man who loves me," she went on and she was yelling real good by then, "I think that someday we will have children. I think that we have proven Bubbe wrong even if she would take her bad thoughts of you to her grave. I think that and then I walk into my own home—the home that is supposed to be our home, James—and I find you in the arms of that Chaleria! If I did not walk in right then…Six years I have been with you and what do I have? Drek mit Leber!"

"No Joanie!" I said desperate to convince her there was something worth saving, "That's not true. You have a man who loves you even if he is stupid and hurt you like no one should ever be hurt. I owe you everything. I know it looked like I wanted to throw it away but I don't. I only want you. For the rest of my life I only want you."

"You can't only want me with your tongue in someone else's mouth!"

"Joanie, I am sorry," I said, "I really am."

"Es iz tsu shpet," she replied sadly and turned her back to me. That was like being punched in the gut. I think maybe she even wanted to mean it and that hurt worse but then something didn't ring true in those words. They weren't true and she didn't mean them.

"I refuse to believe that," I told her, "It isn't too late until we don't still love each other."

"It's not enough."

"It has to be."

"Well it's not!"

I thought for a second about how to counter this before we dissolved into some childish back and forth exchange. Then I spotted it. I stepped closer knowing that I was now in hitting range but I had to chance it. I took her left hand in mine gently and held it up.

"If it's too late then why haven't you taken this off?" I asked softly running my thumb over the set of rings on her ring finger, "If loving me and knowing I still love you isn't enough then why not take it off?"

I held her hand up to my lips and kissed it. I couldn't help the tears that flowed and I didn't even try. They ran down my face and onto her hand.

"I know I messed up worse than even I could imagine I could," I said through the tears, "I know I hurt you and I know I made you think that every bad thing you ever heard or thought about yourself is true. I know I don't deserve you. I know I don't deserve another chance. I don't. I'm a terrible husband. But I love you. I love you more than my own life, Joanie. I do. I'm a mess without you."

I was so engrossed in what I was saying to her that I didn't even notice that her hand had tightened around mine. When I finished talking I just looked at her. I was helpless. Without her I was pretty much hopeless as well. She looked at me and I could see that her tears had renewed. She took a step toward me and I took the chance to pull her into a hug. Nothing else ever felt so right as having Joanie in my arms and for a while I was truly scared I'd never be able to again. But there she was, tight to me. I kissed her head and nuzzled into that mess of curls which was more of a mess than usual.

"You know I'm still mad at you, right?" she said half muffled into my shirt.

"Yeah I do and I know I deserve it."

"Yes you do," she agreed, "If you ever do anything like that again…"

"I know this is the only strike I get and it's one more than you ought to give me."

"Can we go home now?"

I think right then I probably squeezed her tight enough to make it hard to breathe and then we left Judy's place and headed down to the 'Vette. Joanie handed me the keys. As bad of shape as I was in, she was in worse and driving was a bad idea for her. I got us home safe and went to the kitchen looking for something I could whip up fast for supper. It ended up just being soup and sandwiches but that seemed to suit us just fine. I don't think either of us was all that hungry even though I know I hadn't actually eaten in a couple days and I was sure she hadn't either.

We didn't talk much and it was driving me crazy that there was so much between us. I was afraid to talk I think since she wasn't yelling or crying or running back to her sister's. I knew if I opened my mouth my string of saying anything close to the right thing would probably come to an end and she'd be upset with me again and run off and I might not get her back. I don't know exactly why she was being quiet. Maybe it was the same reason. She knew if she got me talking I'd be a jerk and she didn't want that anymore than I did. Which is sweet if it's true. More likely knowing her she was just afraid if she said anything she'd start crying again.

After a while of sitting in near silence she got up.

"I'm going to bed," she said softly.

"Yeah, sleep sounds good," I told her getting up too but she turned to me and I thought at that time I had seen all her looks but I guess I hadn't because I couldn't remotely place the one she had then.

"I don't want you to. I think it would be best if you slept on the couch tonight. I need some time alone."

I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell her that she had been alone enough, that we both had. But I was lucky she was even in the apartment. I was lucky she'd come home at all and if she wanted me on the couch instead of our bed then I would sleep on the couch. I nodded sadly and headed toward the closet where we kept sheets and blankets so I could make up my bed for the night.

I heard her brushing her teeth as I was putting a sheet on the fold out mattress. I wasn't sure if it was right but she was still washing her face and putting on her night cream when I got done making my bed so I went in to brush my own teeth alongside her. I finished what I was doing about the same time she finished what she was.

"Joanie," I said as she was about to leave the bathroom, "Would you at least kiss me goodnight?"

I felt bold asking but she was my wife after all and if you can't at least ask for a goodnight kiss from your wife I don't know who you can ask it of. She walked over and rose onto her toes and kissed me lightly but it was a kiss and it was on the lips. I caught her as she turned to leave and pulled her to me. I think she thought about resisting being held for a bit but then gave in and rested her head against my chest.

"I deserve all the punishment you can dole out," I began, "But exactly how long will I be punished for?"

"This isn't about punishing you, James. It is about me feeling okay about things. It's about me looking at you and not seeing her, not feeling that hurt and that humiliation. I don't know how long that will be. It will come. If I didn't believe that I would still be at Judy's."

"I love you," I told her and I didn't mean for it to sound like such a plea for mercy but it did anyway.

"I know you do," she said, "And I love you too. I do. I just need some space from you still."

She rested her hand on my chest and I think it was a signal to let her go which I did reluctantly but then she let her hand linger there a little longer. At least I knew there was still some desire there. She still needed to touch me and still wanted me in some respect. She closed the bedroom door behind her as I made my way to the couch barking my shin yet again on the end table that I swore was about to end up in a dumpster somewhere pretty soon. I didn't sleep sound but I slept for a while.

When I woke up a couple hours later I needed water and the bathroom. A steady diet of beer isn't all that great for you and that amount of time consuming nothing but put me off the stuff entirely for a few months. I first made my way to the kitchen and got a glass of water and downed that and then went to the bathroom to relieve myself. As I made my way back to the couch I had to pass right by the bedroom. The door was closed but with no other sound in the apartment I could hear her crying real clear. She might not want me to sleep next to her but I decided I'd be damned if I let her cry alone when I was right there. I opened the door slowly and walked in. I sat down on the bed.

"Go away," she sniffed.

"I would if I thought that was what you really wanted."

"You hurt me."

"I know I did, Joanie. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for that."

"I trusted you. You said you wouldn't hurt me. You said you'd never let anyone hurt me."

"I know I did and I never ever wanted to hurt you," I said petting her hair and smoothing it away from her face. "If you can give me a chance I will prove every day of the rest of my life how sorry I am and how much I love you. A woman like you should never hurt a day in her life. I'm terrible at this love thing. I told you that but I'll be better. I promise."

She just dissolved further into tears.

"Do you still want me to go away?"

"Hold me."

I thought of asking if she was sure but I stopped myself and just pulled her close and held her tight. My girl in my arms and that was all I ever wanted really. Eventually we both fell asleep and woke the next morning with me still holding her and her cuddled into me. I woke first and I'm glad I did because it gave me some extra time to just enjoy holding my girl. Once she woke up she pushed me away and got out of bed to get ready.

I don't think she said three words to me while she got ready and made herself some toast. She started to walk out of the apartment to go to the firm but then stopped halfway to the door and turned back to me. I could see the debate going on inside her and wasn't sure if I'd help things or hurt them if I spoke so I stayed quiet while she worked the gold star over with her fingers. Finally she made her choice and walked back to me. Her arms snaked around my neck and she rose up to kiss me. It was a simple kiss but still it was a kiss.

"I love you, beautiful," I said when she pulled back from me and I saw the blush rise to her cheeks at the compliment.

"I love you too," she whispered and then turned and left for work. I missed her immediately and I don't care at all how corny that sounded because I did. That woman was my whole life and the root of anything good I had. So yeah, sometimes I just missed her when she wasn't around and at a time like that where I felt things wasn't so strong between us, I missed her all the more.

I've said before but it bears repeating, there's things in life a man ought to be ashamed of and things in life I am ashamed of—kissing Rosemary is pretty high on that list—but loving someone ain't one of those things and I loved Joanie.

I decided to make use of the time I had that day to make sure my office was all ready for me to get to work the following week when classes started up at school. There wasn't much to do really and it didn't take long. I knew Joanie wouldn't be getting out of the office that early since there was still a lot of preparation to do for Noah's custody case so I wandered over to the garage. I still felt strange showing my face around everyone knowing that everyone knew what I had done. Sure they knew me first and I'm not going to say they necessarily liked Joanie better but they liked her as much and I was in the wrong and she was the innocent victim. Still I walked up. I figured if anyone would give me a fair shake it might be Al. I knew Emma still loved me but she was disappointed and it hurt to look at her face knowing that disappointment was there. She thought she raised me better and she did. I just didn't learn the lessons I should have.

Al saw me walking up and intercepted me before I could make it into the building.

"Is Lou that mad at me?" I asked.

"Theresa's in there," he answered shaking his head, "Lou's trying to stick up for you. Her heart ain't all in it but she's trying to be fair at least. Theresa wants to kill you slowly and painfully. I think even Jesse's afraid to go near her in the state she's in and I am too to be honest. She's got it in for all men right now."

"I should talk to her," I said trying to pull away from the old man but he held on tight to my arm.

"No you should wait until she cools off," he said, "She will but right now she's far too angry to hear you."

I let him direct me to the burger joint down the block and into a booth where I tried to meet his eyes across the table but I was just too ashamed to manage it.

"Look at me son," Al said and my head jerked up, not because he told me to but because he still called me 'son'. "You made a mistake. It surely ain't your first and it won't be your last. You know all you kids is like my own. I couldn't turn my back on you over a mistake. We're family. Don't you know that by now?"

"I can't believe I did it, Al," I confessed, "I nearly threw everything away over a woman I don't even like. She ain't pretty as Joanie. She sure the hell ain't nice as Joanie."

"Have you spoken to Joanie?"

I nodded.

"Judy didn't leave me much choice. I got her home and she made me sleep on the couch. I think she'll come around in time. She still loves me, not that I understand why. She knows it was a onetime mistake but I hurt her real bad."

"You sure did," he agreed, "I think you're right though that it will work out. You have more to start with than Buck and Carol did, I wager. They worked it out and are stronger than ever. Take it a day at a time. I know that's a tired cliché but it's a good one too. They only get tired from people using them and people only use the ones that make sense."

"I want to show her how much she means to me," I said, "I want her to not be able to doubt it but everything I think of looks like I'm trying to buy forgiveness. Flowers, dinner out, jewelry…it all seems cheap."

"Oh I have faith in you," he replied, "I think you'll come up with just the thing, or things to make her see how loved she is."

Damn him...he's almost making me have sympathy for him...

Yiddish: Chaleria is nasty woman...Drek mit Leber means nothing or something that is worthless...Es iz tsu shpet means it is too late...I think that's it...

These two are going to be the very death of me.-J