I started thinking what I could do and got a few ideas right quick. I asked a favor or two of Al and then hustled off to get other things ready. I couldn't leave anything to chance. This had to work. It just had to. I knew that no matter what I said or whatever Joanie said that things weren't going to be exactly the same between us for a while but I had to get her to see how much I still loved her. I had to make her see my words weren't just words, they weren't just talk. They were the truth and all I had to fight for her with.

I was ready and sitting in the living room when I heard Joanie turning the doorknob to come in. I jumped to my feet. She came in and looked at me strange but then set to putting her things down and headed for our room casting a disparaging glance at the kitchen where there was obviously nothing cooking. I know what she was thinking, she would have to cook. I followed her to the bedroom and stood in the doorway while she peeled off her skirt and blouse and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt. She stopped when she noticed me standing there. I saw her brow furrow like she was about to get mad so I decided to talk before she could start yelling.

"I don't suppose you'd like to go for a ride with me, would you?"

"James," she said sounding sick and tired of me and I know she probably was at the time too but I still had to try to push this.

"Please Joanie," I said, "It might be relaxing after the day you've had. Maybe we could grab a bite to eat and just talk or something. Please."

Yeah I was not above begging. The Temptations had a whole song about not being too proud to beg for your girl to not leave you and I sure the hell wasn't too proud.

"Alright," she said and let me lead her out of our place and down to my car. I always preferred driving her car but that night I had some things already stashed in my car and besides, I had the big old bench seat she could slide across and cuddle up to me if she was of such a mind and I was hoping to make her be of such a mind. I opened her door for her and she looked at me funny. I know I didn't do that as often as I should anymore by then and I needed to get back to those little things that let her know I cared and didn't take her for granted. Frankly I had been taking her for granted and that needed to stop.

I just drove us aimlessly for a while, like I had that night over six years before when she had given me a second chance that I didn't deserve. Finally I drove to the garage. She looked at me doubtfully. I wasn't any more sure of this than she was but it was all I could think of. I got out and ran to her side to open her door and then grabbed a bag out of the back of the car and led her upstairs to the roof. I had made sure that Jesse wouldn't be there and I had been up there earlier. I put out flowers and set up a table with two chairs and then had the two lawn chairs up there set facing the west so maybe we could watch the sunset like we used to do.

I pulled out a chair for Joanie and turned on the radio soft while I lit the candles I had set all over and started getting things out of the bag I brought up. Soon I was sitting across from her with two glasses of wine and a plate of cheeses and French bread between us. I knew it was too much to ask that the spread and the place would just turn back the clock to a time when I was still a decent guy but I could tell it wasn't even coming close and I had hoped it would make her remember the good times. So many of them took place on that roof. We'd shared our first kiss, we'd made love and I'd even proposed on that roof. The first time I had brought her there she thanked me. She told me that I was a different person on that roof, a better and more likable person. I hoped I still was.

"This is nice, James," she said and I think she really meant it too. She sounded like she did.

We were able to talk a bit. Joanie filled me in on the case for Noah to get custody. It was a strong case and I could tell there wouldn't be any problem in him getting Michael from that woman.

"Which reminds me," she said, "Daddy thought it would carry some weight to have a social worker testify on Noah's behalf. Don't worry I didn't tell him anything about Rosemary having the same thought or what she or you did. But I said I would ask you before we just subpoenaed you out of the blue."

"Of course I'll testify for Noah. If you think it helps him, I'll do anything. Michael needs him."

"I'll tell Daddy."

We didn't talk for a while but it didn't feel as bad as it had. But then she frowned and I knew something bad was coming.

"This really is a nice evening, James, but eventually we have to go back home where our problems are," she said sadly, "Here I can almost forget what I saw, what you did. But we can't stay here forever and one night of not thinking about it doesn't fix the problem."

"I know this don't fix things. I know I can't even fix things. There's no fixing what I did, Joanie. Someday I just hope you can trust me, trust what I tell you about you and how I feel is true. We've done a lot on this roof. We've had good times and shouting matches and looked some ugly things right in the eye. I needed a safe place tonight and I thought maybe you did too. This place was always safe for us."

She cocked her head to one side and a little smile crept across her face.

"Do you remember the first time you brought me up here?"

"Of course I do," I told her, "Only the day before I had been a huge jerk and I had spent a good part of the day wondering why hurting your feelings bothered me so. I barely knew you other than you were beautiful. Al and Emma both told me to give apologizing a try. I think I understand more now but at the time I was shocked it worked and you gave me another chance."

She giggled a little, "Yeah I was at home wondering why your nasty attitude bugged me so much too. I mean you are handsome and all but it's not like we were dating or anything. Maybe we knew something even then."

"Maybe," I acknowledged, "Maybe there is such a thing as love at first sight."

"I was afraid to come up here with you that night. Did you know that?"

"I know you were probably scared I was taking you to my place," I answered, "You were probably right to be scared of me. I wasn't a good guy."

"You never said mean things to me like Stan did," she said in the tiniest voice I could ever imagine coming from my girl, "On the surface he looked like the better guy. You never called me names. You never forced me to do anything. I had nothing to fear coming here with you. Even your kiss was sweet."

"Makes it worse that I hurt you now," I said, "I pretended to be that nice guy for six years and now I hurt you. I really hate myself right now. I want you to know that. However much you hate me or however angry you are with me, I hate me worse."

"I don't hate you," she replied simply, "I never hated you. You're still a good man. I really do think that. I'm trying to remember that you just made a mistake and that she was the mistake and not me."

"She was," I said, "Oh God, Joanie! Do you honestly think you could ever be a mistake to me? Finding a way to be with you, to marry you…that is the only thing I think I've ever done right in my life. I just love you so much."

"I know you do," she told me, "I know it even though…well, I guess maybe I tried to doubt it. It still worries me sometimes."

"I know your insecurities, Joanie. I am a terrible husband for making you think they are true. It's supposed to be my job to make you understand how beautiful you are and how worthy of love. Hell, you're worthy of being loved by someone better than me."

"I forget sometimes you think as little of yourself as I think of myself," she said with a sad smile, "We're sort of a mess, you know."

"I have a theory that's why we work…when we work that is."

"I think that's most of the time, isn't it?" she ventured.

"I think it is," I said. It was then that I happened to notice that our song was playing on the radio. The good old Five Satins crooning away about holding each other tight in the still of the night. I started humming along.

"Do I get the Bill Cody treatment now?" Joanie asked, "A serenade?"

"If I thought my voice wouldn't send you running and screaming back to your sister's then you might just."

"You can't sound any more ridiculous than the klezmer band at our wedding," she said stifling a giggle.

She was kind of right so I stood and held out my hand to her.

"I think I could be persuaded to sing if the lady could be persuaded to dance."

She smiled and took my hand and we swayed and I sang softly in her ear. When the song was over she was still leaning against my chest.

"Remember how that became our song?" I whispered.

"Prom," she answered in a soft murmur.

"It was the first slow song they played there so it was the first time we ever danced together like that," I elaborated, "You wore that powder blue dress and had those flowers stuck in your hair. I don't think I'd ever seen anyone so beautiful outside of a movie. You felt so right in my arms like I finally figured out what my arms were for. I remember you smelled of lilacs and I was pretty sure I was going to wake up any minute and find I was only dreaming such a thing."

"I could see the envious looks I was getting from the other girls," she said and it was kind of distant like she was dreaming it or something. "I never had that before. I was there with the most handsome young man in the place and every girl there wanted to be me that night. I felt like I was dancing on a cloud. I actually thought I might fall over but your arms were so strong and held me so sure and steady I knew I would be fine."

I held her tighter right then hoping that I could still steady her and make her feel secure.

"James," she said pushing away from me, "We were so much younger then. It seems a lifetime ago. I love you but we can't go back to prom."

"I know but I still feel the same way," I said begging her to understand that she'd always be that girl to me.

"Feeling that and being there are two different things, James. You know that."

I just dropped my head. I knew she was right. We couldn't go back to being those innocent kids. It's hard to think of myself as innocent back then with all I had been through but I know I was in ways I would never been again. So I changed the subject.

"Are you going to get to sit in for the custody hearings?" I asked. Even though she only had one more year of law school it was still rare when her dad or one of her uncles let her sit in on the case. Once or twice she had been at the table or right behind but not often. This was family though so I knew there was a chance.

"I am," she said and looked pretty proud.

"Good," I told her, "You know the times you haven't it isn't that you aren't good enough, right? It's that they don't want to look like they're playing favorites."

"I know," she said, "But thank you for reminding me."

"I have something for you," I ventured, "I suspected you might be heading into the courtroom and I wanted to get you something for luck and so you would remember me and how much I love you."

I went to the bag that I had pulled wine and cheese and such from and pulled out a small box and handed it to her.

"You don't need the embellishment but you deserve pretty things and a man who realizes it."

Joanie tentatively opened the box and saw the pearl earrings inside. They were simple but I wanted something she could wear with a suit and look professional in a courtroom.

"James, you shouldn't have."

"I know what it looks like Joanie. I know I messed up and it looks like I'm trying to buy your affections back. I'm not that naïve. I know a woman like yourself cannot be bought or bribed. I just want you to wear them and when you catch sight of them remember that someone loves you and believes in you and thinks the world of you."

"They are beautiful," she whispered, "Thank you. They'll be perfect for court."

Then she did something that surprised me. She walked over to me and wrapped her arms tight around my neck and kissed me. Not some chaste little kiss either, she kissed me open mouthed and with all the passion she'd ever held for me.

"Are those afghans still up here?" she asked with that mischievous arched eyebrow I had come to love so much over the years.

"Yeah, they are," I said. My mouth was getting dry and I was feeling almost like I had that night on the beach at the cabin six years earlier. Something was happening and I was not in charge. Joanie was calling all the shots and I was just along for the ride to wherever she wanted to go. Apparently she was thinking of other memories made on that roof. This was far from the only time that we made love on the roof but I think it might have been the most memorable. There was so much fear and vulnerability from both of us. It was as if we were trying to tell each other things, explain our feelings, without words and just with how we touched and moved together. I felt almost like I was exploring her body for the first time.

Afterward we just laid there in each other's arms.

"I hope I didn't give you the wrong idea, James," she said, "I mean, I don't want you to think everything is fine just because…"

"I know it's not. I know it's still going to take some time. I really needed that though. I think maybe you did too."

She just nodded and we stayed like that for a while before she got up and pulled her clothes back on. I got up and did the same thing. We went out and got in the car and I took her home. She let me back into bed but there was still an uncomfortable space between us. I felt better and like there was hope at any rate.

The rest of the week was busy. It was my last week before school and hers as well. She needed to get back to class and those would be around court dates for Noah's custody hearings. There was still the awkwardness between us and that wasn't good but we were getting more comfortable. She was getting better about me touching her and I think she could almost look at our couch again without seeing what she had walked in on.

Sunday came along and we headed to Emma's. We had both bailed on Temple the day before. We just didn't feel like pretending everything was fine and if we weren't convincing enough then her parents would notice for sure. Judy called later in the day to check on us. She talked to Joanie for a while and then to me and pretty much yelled and threatened for a while. But I knew everyone at Emma's knew anyway and I had promised Emma I would be there. So we went. I paused before putting the key in the ignition.

"They know," I said, "I told Emma and I know Sherry knew too. It's okay if they see that we aren't, well, okay yet. You know that, right?"

"I do," she said patting my hand. I knew Joanie well enough that I figured she would try to act like everything was wonderful when it was still far from it. Just because we were in the same bed and just because we'd made love a couple of times hardly meant everything was just fine.

We walked in and there was a tension in the house like they were all looking to see if I was alone or if there was open hostility between us or what. When we walked in holding hands it's a wonder the sigh of relief wasn't enough to blow us back out the door. I looked around and Theresa was nowhere to be found. Neither were the boys so I figured that she and Jesse had taken them to the park. Joanie split off from me to talk to the women who all glared at me, with the exception of Carol. She gave me a weak smile. I wouldn't say I was exactly on her side when she and Buck had their problems but I was the only one not immediately against her and their marriage so I guess she felt a connection. I went into the kitchen knowing that Emma would need that platter down.

I hadn't even gotten it all the way down when Emma started talking.

"I see your wife is with you today."

"Yeah, she's been home since Monday," I answered, "It's not okay yet but we're working on it. I hear Theresa's about ready to come after me."

"She took this hard, Jimmy," Emma said, "You're sort of a hero to her and for you to suddenly be human…that's not something she was prepared for. We're never quite ready to know our heroes aren't perfect. And she's a little out of sorts this week."

"What's the matter?" I asked thinking I had been neglecting one of my most important charges.

"You can't tell her I told you this, she'd be mortified, but Theresa's become a young lady."

"I see," I said and I did. What Emma said is sort of an antiquated way of saying it but what it meant was that Theresa had started her period. That'll make most women cranky with the hormones and such but when it's the first time, that is really something to throw you for a loop.

"I'll go find her," I said, "See if we can work this out before it gets brought to your dinner table."

I think she thought about protesting but she didn't. I went to the park and spotted the kids right off. I walked over and asked Jesse to keep an eye on the younger kids and then I went to Theresa.

"I think we need to talk," I said.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Then listen please. I messed up. I did and I know that. I'm not perfect, kiddo. I never have been. I know Kid and Lou probably never told you all the bad stuff I've done but there's been plenty. I make mistakes and sometimes they are real bad. I did something stupid here too and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. Right up there with nearly killing someone."

Her eyes flew open at that.

"Yeah I knew that hadn't told you about that," I said, "I brought a knife to a fist fight and ended up convicted of assault and it was some kind of luck I wasn't facing attempted murder charges. I ain't perfect. I can't even try to be. I do the best I can and I mess up just like everyone else sometimes."

"How could you cheat on Aunt Joanie?"

"I'm weak and stupid. I've got no other explanation. I love her though and she still loves me. We're working it out. She's at the house if you want to come on over. I think she'd love to see you."

"How can she take you back?" she asked me, "Is that just how it works? Men leave or cheat or whatever and we just forgive and everything is okay again?"

Her voice was raising and I saw Jesse look over warily. I figured he'd been the target of her venom most of the week.

"It's not all okay," I answered, "Not by a long shot. We have a lot of hard work to do and I have to do most of it. We're getting better. It gets complicated sometimes figuring out when there is still something worth saving. We could see there still was. Well, I could after Judy showed me."

"She's at Emma's?"

"Yeah she is," I told her, "I know she'd love to see you, too. She kind of misses having you around I think."

"It's probably almost time to eat too," she said like she was thinking aloud. I nodded and we got up and rounded up Jesse and the boys and headed back. I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Do you still want to kill me?"

"Not exactly," she said, "I think I might still like to hit you, maybe."

I chuckled at that. I think her feeling was probably common and one I had myself. But somehow we made it through dinner without any ugliness. It was funny but all the while everyone else was focused on the awkwardness between me and Joanie, I was noticing that something was not quite right between Al and Rachel. That was something I would have to look into. Al needed the chance at happiness and Rachel was good for him, I thought. I hoped she still was.

These two are just exhausting me...but I think they are on the right track...but what's wrong with Al and Rachel? Hmmm...-J