Joanie was fighting not to cry even though she had been; she was fighting those tears now.

"I'm fine, James, really," she said but it was not her no nonsense Joanie voice that usually said things like that to me. It was a scared little girl's voice that usually I never heard.

"Joanie, we both know that ain't true."

She looked at me a minute more and all the while I could see the tears standing in her eyes and her lip quiver and her breath shaking but she would not cry. Instead she kissed me. She kissed me and rubbed on me and tried undoing my pants. I got her wrists and pushed her back against the back of the couch and I felt bad about handling things that way because she tensed up like I was going to hurt her. Oh hell, it wasn't that I had her wrists—though I will tell you I took great pains to never do anything that would feel like I was trying to pin her down after Stan—it was that I was starting to get mad. She needed to talk damn it and she was going to talk and not keep trying to distract me. I had let her get away with that for long enough and things needed solving.

"Stop it, Joanie," I growled at her.

That's when her face crumbled and the tears started flowing.

"You don't want me," she bawled, "I knew it would happen. I tried and I tried but now that you know you can have someone prettier, you don't want me!"

I took one of her hands and pressed it to my groin.

"Then what's that, Joanie?" I nearly shouted at her, "If I don't want you then what the hell is that? All I do is want you and love you. You are the only one I truly want and I will always hate myself for making you doubt that. It's true though, you are the only one I could ever want. There is no one prettier than you as far as I can see. Don't you understand I want us back as bad as you do? And I can't have us back if you're not here and I don't know who I been living with the last few weeks but it ain't my Joanie. You're like June Cleaver or something and I don't want her. I never did. Where's my feisty girl bent on saving the world? Where's the woman who sometimes shoots me a nasty look for opening a door for her? Where's my battle maiden? I miss her, Joanie. I miss her so much it hurts."

"She drove you away," she sobbed, "She made you want someone else. She didn't think enough about you and your needs and she was selfish, too selfish to be married. I want to be married—to you!"

"One stupid mistake, Joanie!" I yelled, "I made one stupid mistake and if you wanted to leave me forever because of it I would deserve it but it was my mistake, not yours. You didn't drive me to Rosemary's arms; she came here and wrapped 'em around me. I don't want her. I swear it. If I could run back time and not let her in or push her away, I would. You know I would. God, Joanie, how could any woman ever compare to you?"

"Sure you would want to be stuck with a crazy meeskait when you could have her!"

"Joanie," I said and I fought to keep my voice calm which actually seemed to command more attention from her than if I had kept yelling. "You are not crazy. You are not a meeskait. But you were right about something. Remember when it happened and you called her a shiksa whore? Well, that was dead on. Why would I want a shiksa whore when I can have you?"

"But she-"

"She uses people, Joanie. She thinks of nothing but her own self. She never even gave one thought to Michael. You know that. You care about other people. You try to help people because it's the right thing to do, not because it will make you look good. Damn, Joanie…I could never want someone like her, not really."

"But you were with her and you were kissing her and she was touching you and if I was a better wife…"

"Is that what this is all about?" I asked slumping back into the couch, "You think you're a bad wife?"

"I should quit school and stay home to take care of things and have a baby because I can't do like mom did. She never missed anything. Dinner always ready, me always clean and fed and taken care of and her grades never suffered," she said with this distant look in her eyes, "Maybe no one can do that anymore."

"What is bringing this on really?" I asked, "Is this really about me being an idiot anymore?"

"I was talking to some people from high school a while back and it got me thinking."

"I'm afraid I'm not following," I told her.

"Three different couples from my graduating class are divorcing. And then Noah is divorced and I know that marriage was never good to begin with but still…I can't lose you," she whispered and looked so frail and vulnerable that I just couldn't help but hold her tight to me.

"I ain't going nowhere," I assured her, "I ain't nothing without you and I don't want you any way but how you are. Just calm down, Joanie. We can work this out. I know we can. I believe we can."

"Wha-what if we can't? What if I can't be what you need?" she asked, "What if now that you're getting established you can't be with a woman that doesn't meet you with a beer and supper when you get home?"

"Won't happen," I said, "You know what kind of woman I need? I'll tell you if you want to know."

She looked up at me waiting.

"Okay," I said, "I want, no I need, a woman who is very smart. I actually need one smarter than me because there's so much I still don't know. I need a woman who challenges me to try new things and be something I didn't think I could. I need a woman who reminds me daily that loving and revering her are all fine and good but I better never forget she can do anything I can do and probably do it better. I need a woman who never lets me forget that there are those worse off than I am and that it's my responsibility to help them. I need a woman who shows me the sides to life that I never would have seen if left to my own devices. I need a woman who cares so much that it sometimes starts to break her apart and I need a woman who sometimes needs me to help keep her together and even put her back together. That's my perfect woman. If she also has great big brown eyes and springy curls and lips that just beg me to kiss them then all the better."

"I have held you back so much," she lamented but I think I was making headway at least, "All your friends have children."

"Billy don't," I reminded her, "And I don't see Sherry budging on that until we're calling her doctor. That'll be about the same time you're passing your bar on the first try."

"I doubt it," she said and I knew she wasn't talking about Sherry but about the bar.

"Noah passed on his first try and you are every bit as smart as he is. You're probably smarter" I said, "And if you don't then you just take it again. It's not like your future boss is going to hold it against you. He told me once it took him three tries."

"I don't deserve you," she said and she finally started to relax.

"You're right," I agreed, "You deserve much better."

"Remember way back when we started dating and you asked me about my perfect man?" she asked, "You know, the one that I would want to marry?"

"I do," I said and I did. I remember thinking for the first time that I had a real shot with this girl and I remember being nearly over the moon at the very thought.

"Even then, I knew he was you."

Then she cuddled into me and sighed contentedly.

"Can I ask how your day was without sounding like June Cleaver?"

"If I can ask you about yours too," I said.

"Deal," she smiled at me.

Things were pretty much all better after that. I think I was on a tighter leash for a while. I know she knew I was hers and hers alone but I didn't dare spend too much time noticing a pretty waitress or mention how good looking a girl was. She wouldn't say anything and she didn't shoot me an angry look but there would be a hurt sort of look come over her and I never wanted to cause nothing like that. I think all it took was me mentioning the pretty new English teacher just once and I kept thoughts like that to myself for a good long while. I won't say things were all okay but at least I knew where her worries came from and once I knew about a worry with her I could usually head it off before it got ugly. I will never forgive myself for letting things get that bad for her. She had some ugly episodes all through her life but that was the worst for sure and if I had been paying attention to her it never would have gotten that far.

I don't know how long it took for us to be totally alright but I will say we were acting near to normal when we went for Sunday dinner at Sam and Emma's just days after Joanie had that little episode. We walked in and everyone looked at us like they weren't sure that we weren't going to fall apart. Billy and Sherry was there and I had to pass Sherry on my way to the kitchen to help Emma with that stupid platter. Now that platter was really an excuse for me to go in and give Emma a hug and kiss. I don't know why I thought I needed an excuse to greet my own mom but it was how we did things. Anyway I didn't make it straight to Emma because Sherry grabbed my arm. I have to say I was scared. Sherry had a wicked right cross and that was just the one punch I had seen. I know she probably had more in her repertoire.

"We need to talk," she said under her breath and my blood ran cold. I had so far been slapped by both Cohen sisters and that was no fun but Sherry didn't waste her time slapping. If she wanted to hit me, I was going to be staring at the ceiling and she was a girl which wasn't even fair since I couldn't even fight back. I just stared at my feet and nodded.

"Do I even need to tell you what I will do to you if you ever hurt my friend like that again?"

"No you don't," I told her still not daring to make eye contact.

"Jimmy, we've always been friends and I try not to get into the whole who I was friends with first and all but for the record I was friends with her first."

"I know."

"You know you're the whole reason I gave Will a chance, remember?"

I nodded.

"You don't know the whole story," she went on, "I gave him that second chance at your wedding on your request but when he asked me out a few days after I said yes because of you too. I thought back to how you looked and acted when I first met you and then how you never once let her down. Even when she tried to break up with you, I could still call you to help her. I took a chance on Will because of the man you are, or at least the man I thought you were. I'm not sure I even know you anymore."

I looked at her then and I just stared at her dumbfounded. Her eyes were moist and she was trying not to cry.

"I was scared to go to college," she told me, "I can take care of myself but I always had my brothers around before and when I met you it was like I had one of my brothers around. I know you always came to take care of her but I somehow felt like if I needed you that you'd come for me too."

"I would've," I whispered, "I really would've."

"Are you and Joanie going to be alright?" she asked finally.

"I wondered for a while but I think we are now," I said, "I been doing a lot of apologizing to a lot of people and I forgot you. I am so sorry, Sherry. I'm glad you got the good one though. Billy won't ever hurt you like I hurt Joanie."

"I might not ever be able to forgive you for making me doubt that," she hissed at me, "Yeah he turned her away but I never thought you could do what you did. Now I know that any man could maybe and Billy gets so much attention from women." She paused and took a breath, "Damn you!"

"I'm sorry, Sherry," I told her, "I really am."

It's amazing how many people get affected by one person's mistake. You wouldn't think it but it's true. Of course I think my mistake hit at just the right time to really hit some of the people in my life. Theresa was already feeling vulnerable in her womanhood and Sherry being newly married was still feeling out the whole role of being a wife and what it meant to her and what having a husband meant. Marriage is a personal thing and we might come in with some thoughts on it and we might have people tell us what it's supposed to be or look like or mean. But only we can really figure those things out for ourselves and it's a constant process but some parts are more fragile than others. Sherry and Billy hadn't been married a whole year yet and Sherry held insecurities that others probably wouldn't guess. She put a hand on my arm and looked at me sadly.

"I know you are and maybe we'll be okay again too. I hope so. I'd hate to lose a friend like this."

There wasn't much more for us to say at that point. I hated that I made Sherry question Billy and how he loved her. She never had a thing to worry about. Whatever he was like before he met her, he never really even thought about another woman once she was his. Bill Cody is a good man and don't let anyone else ever tell you different.

Sometime after we ate, Jesse pulled me aside.

"You and Joanie ain't splitting up, are you?" he asked.

"No we are not," I replied, "We're working things out. What brought this on all of a sudden? Me and Joanie've been having trouble for a few weeks and you never said anything before now."

"I don't want everyone falling apart," he said softly looking away.

"What do you mean everyone? Are Sam and Emma doing alright?"

"Yeah, Sam's been busy at work but they're great."

"Buck and Carol are better than ever and Ike and Annie are near to giddy about that new little one coming," I went on, "Who's falling apart, Jesse?"

"Something's wrong with Al and Rachel," he told me.

That worried me too. Al deserved to get back a little of what was taken from him with Lucille's death and thinking that things might already be on the rocks with them concerned me something fierce. I had thought that they seemed a little tense but hadn't gotten involved before. I might not've then either but Jesse was still learning to trust in things and I needed to see to it that he understood whatever happened.

"Would it help you if I talked to the old man?" I asked, "I'm sure they're not falling apart but would it help anyway?"

Jesse nodded and smiled at me sheepishly. He was a good kid and just wanted the family to stay together. I know he hadn't wanted Al and Rachel getting together in the first place but it had been a while since she had been his teacher and he was more concerned with Al being happy than anything else. Jesse needed to believe that a family could stick together and be there for each other and not get ugly and hurtful.

I found Al on the porch and was glad no one else was around.

"Hey Al," I started and knew that beating around the bush wasn't going to do me any good so I just came out with it. "Is something wrong with you and Rachel?"

"Jimmy, nothing's wrong and if it was I wouldn't be chatting about it with you."

"Something seems wrong and you got poor Jesse worried as all get out," I said, "What's going on with you two?"

"Rachel thinks she might be…well, that she might be in a family way," he replied finally, "We hadn't really thought about such a thing happening and I don't think either one of us knows how to feel. She took a test at the doctor's office Friday but we won't know until tomorrow."

"She's going to have a baby?" I asked incredulously. I knew, of course, that a man could father a child until he died and that Rachel wasn't exactly an old lady but still there are things you don't let yourself imagine and people you specifically don't imagine doing those things. They were married and I guess I knew that they were intimate and all but this was Al. He was like a father to me and even with a beautiful woman like Rachel was, I didn't want to think about that.

"We don't know nothing for sure, Jimmy," he answered, "Don't say nothing to anyone else. Worst thing is that I ain't so sure I want her to be and I think she wants to be in the worst way."

"But you two never talked about having kids?"

"No we didn't. I don't think it occurred to her that she wanted them still but now that it might be, I think she's praying for that test to tell her she's expecting. I'm not sure if I can match her excitement and if she ain't I'm not sure I could share her sadness. And what if she ain't but she wants to try for one? How do I tell her that I don't? I got my kids, Jimmy and they're all grown. I've started on grandkids even. What would I do with a baby?"

"I don't have much place to give advice right now with how bad I messed up my own marriage and it feels wrong to try to give it to you anyway," I told him, "I only know that talking to Joanie and telling her the truth is usually the right thing to do. Don't always fix everything but comes closer to it than anything else I try."

"How'd you get so smart?" he asked me with a smile trying to take over the corners of his mouth.

"Listening to you."

Hmm...well this took roughly forever but in my defense, I have been busy. I finished one epic! And the kids are getting out of school and I have other stories too. Busy I say...plus the baby girl is getting married next month. I have stuff! Lots of stuff!

Also, I have to share this! My dearest, darlingest baby sister came to visit me all the way from Texas! Oh I cannot even tell you how wonderful it was to have her come visit! Anyway, I took the opportunity to introduce her to the TYR boys. She is now completely hooked and has begun her first TYR fanfic! She has written for a number of other fandoms as well. Needless to say when the first chapter of her story was published I was kvelling! There has never been a prouder big sis! So if anyone has noticed a new face here answering to the name Gratiae...that is my baby sister. She is super talented and amazing and has fallen head over heels for Ike who I think is oft neglected so that is awesome too. That is all...I'll try to get to the next chapter of this before too long.-J