The next day I was in my office working like normal. Being a Monday I'd get busy in the mornings with whatever the kids had been through over the weekend and then by afternoon it would die down. They didn't have school problems on Mondays. Most were too relieved to be somewhere other than home for a change. Check back with me long about Wednesday and my office was full of kids who had mouthed off or worse. I guess it was enough into the afternoon that I was starting to think about the dismissal bell and wondering if I had gotten enough of my paperwork out of the way to leave with the kids or if I ought to stay a while longer and get more done. I heard someone come through the door into my office and wondered which of my kids hadn't been able to see me in the morning or had gotten themselves in trouble so early in the week. I can tell you I never imagined in a million years I'd see the face I did right then. Al was standing on the other side of my desk looking awkward. It felt weird to have him look at me like he did right then. He had never been to my office before. This was my place where I was in charge and I was used to being in his place where he ran the show. I nodded to the chairs and he picked one and sat down.

I kept waiting for him to say something, anything. He was usually a man of far too many words and his silence was worrying me pretty bad. He was like the patriarch of our little family and if anything was wrong with anyone, he'd be just about the first to know and it would be on him to get the news out. Of course I had kind of a one-track mind at that point in time.

"What's wrong?" I asked and didn't even wait for him to answer, "Is it Kid? Has there been news?"

Of course I kicked myself later for not remembering the man had some things on his mind that day. If I hadn't been so taken aback by his appearance in my office, I might have thought of that first but I didn't.

"No, there's no news," he said looking tired and older than he ever had to me before and the thing was when I look back he wasn't that old at all, really. "I just left the doctor's office with Rachel."

Yeah, I should have thought of that first and I felt like a heel for not thinking of it.

"Is she?" I asked.

He only nodded and I could tell he needed a place where it was okay to not be excited about the news. I just stayed quiet. It's not something I would have done in my younger days but one of the benefits of the education I got was knowing when to keep my yap shut and just let someone else talk. It never did come easy to me but knowing and using that knowledge is half the battle I think.

"I passed up forty a few years back, Jimmy," he said looking helpless which is not a look I think I had ever seen on him. Of course falling in love and giving into it will out us in many situations we never been in before. "I got no business fathering no babes."

I wasn't used to this man looking to me for the answers and that was the moment it hit me that I had become his equal when I wasn't paying attention. It does happen. I mean the man was always like a father to me and all but even with our kids we do come to a point where we recognize they are adults and that sometimes we can even look to them for help. And that's what was happening right then. He was looking to me for some kind of guidance. I wasn't really sure I had any to offer. I couldn't even imagine what was going through his head at that time. I was looking forward to when me and Joanie could start on having a kid or two. But then I was twenty-five years old too. Ain't nothing wrong with fathering kids at that age. Really ain't much wrong with fathering them at any age but I guess I knew a little of where he was coming from. I wasn't even sure how to start talking to him about it but then a thought occurred to me.

"Did you and Lucille want kids?"

"We did," he said and I could still see that hurt over losing her. Don't misunderstand me, he loved Rachel and he would never have chosen another over her but Lucille was his love and even though she wasn't his first wife, I think she was his first love. It never stopped hurting that he lost her. "We dreamed of the family we would have. She would have been a wonderful mother and she even convinced me I wouldn't be too shabby a father."

"She was right," I interjected and Al sort of nodded. I think it did mean something to him that I thought that. I hope it did anyway.

"She got sick before we were able to have any children," he continued, "When I ran into you and Kid, I don't know…I just knew she would have wanted to take you in. She was always wanting to take in strays—dogs, cats, even wounded birds. She would have had so much love for you—for our own if we'd had any too."

"So it's just how old you are that's bothering you?" I asked.

"I raised my kids, Jimmy," he told me. "I came to everyone of you late in the game but I raised you all the best I knew how. I got what's got to be close to grandkids now. What am I doing having a baby?"

"Well technically you aren't having it," I said in what I knew was a failed attempt at levity, "Rachel's having it."

The look I got told me to try a different tact right away.

"It might be nice to start at the beginning with one. I'll bet if you got to raise one all the way up he wouldn't end up the delinquent mess that I did and with Rachel for a mom he'd be a lot smarter than any of us had a chance to be."

"I ain't saying a part of me don't want this," he told me, "And I love seeing Rachel this happy. I haven't been able to offer her much for normal what with having Lou staying for a while right when we got hitched and everything that's come after. She thought she'd never have a chance to be a mother. I might be like a father to you but you already have a mother. I think she don't quite feel she's got a place."

"We love Rachel," I protested knowing that he was probably right and the fact that we love her didn't change the fact that she wasn't Emma and no matter how much she loved us, we would never see her as a mom like we did Emma. I guess it didn't occur to me until right then that she might feel a little left out of our circle or at least unsure of her place in it. I kind of felt bad that maybe she had mothering that needed to go somewhere just like Emma did but had nowhere to put it.

"It ain't the same," Al pointed out and I think he figured that I already knew that.

"Well, not to spend too much time pointing the obvious," I said, "But the baby's coming and your wife is happy about it. Seems maybe you need to focus on any parts in you that are happy and make the best of it. I'll bet you won't even be thinking about your age once you have that little bundle in your arms."

"Maybe," he said but he didn't sound convinced. I hoped it would work out. I loved that man. He had been there for me when no one else would have wanted to be. He didn't just do that for the memory of Lucille. He really felt that love for us and taught us near to everything we knew about being loving people. If any of us were decent fathers and I'm proud to say that we all did pretty well, it was because of that man and what he gave us.

It got me thinking though, talking to Al about the baby coming. I guess Joanie and I had both mentioned having babies at one time or another but then we really hadn't talked a lot about it. It worried me that we might at some point not end up on the same page and my Joanie was one that might try to pretend she still wanted something even if she had changed her mind about something. The last thing in the world I wanted ever was my girl carrying a child and putting herself through all that if maybe she didn't want to anymore. It was a scary thought though because I really always saw us with kids. I mean I was scared half out of my mind to be a dad. I didn't know anything about it that I didn't learn from Al or a book but if we both wanted the same things and worked together then I knew somehow I would manage. I could always go to Al for advice or Mr. Cohen or Uncle Eli. They had raised kids up right and good and I knew they would help me and not judge if I floundered a little. There would be worse things than needing help being a parent. Joanie living a life she didn't want would be far worse.

I decided that I had done enough paperwork. If I hadn't I knew I could catch up the next day. Most of my troublemakers didn't really get revved up until at least Wednesday so Tuesdays were pretty tame. I left at the dismissal bell and headed home to get some supper started. Joanie was really pushing herself and I wanted her to be able to come home and relax. I never expected it from her to treat me like that stereotypical TV housewife would treat a husband but I know on days when I had a lot on my plate, she somehow knew it and she was waiting with the pan of kugel and a cold beer. So I decided that if she was busting her hump as hard as she was for our future that I could toss a casserole together and pop it in the oven so she could just relax.

When she did come home I was just opening some wine and tossing together a salad. There was a time when there was probably nothing in my fridge but bologna, bread and beer and there I was chopping tomatoes and letting wine breathe. I couldn't help but smile at the change. I don't know if I would have known before I met her that this was the life I wanted but I was grateful for it because it made me happy.

Her eyes met mine and she looked relieved to see me in the apron with the smell of supper wafting to her.

"Did you get out of work early?" she asked and I nodded.

"Why don't you get changed and I'll have everything on the table when you come out."

She went into the bedroom and honestly she looked so tired I was half thinking she'd just pass out on the bed. It wouldn't be the first time. More than once I had gone in and she had made it out of her skirt and blouse but not into jeans and she was just sprawled on the bed. It really wasn't fair of her to do that to me. I'm just a man after all but she usually woke up alright and came out to eat. It worried me so bad sometimes how she was working herself so hard. She had a full load of tough classes and then work. You might not guess this by how many lawyers there are these days but law school is hard work. She loved it though. I could tell. She'd talk to me about cases she was studying for school or for her dad and uncles and her eyes would light all up and dance around with how excited she was for it all. She might have thought that going to school still and looking at a career was pushing me away but she couldn't have been more wrong. I loved her all the more when she came to life like that. It was damn sexy is what it was.

I was just getting the casserole out of the oven and I turned to put it on the table when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was in her jeans and t-shirt and leaning against the doorway with a smirk on her face.

"What?"

"Just admiring the view," she said.

I thought she was teasing me and started to take off the apron. I don't know so much why I was wearing it since I had changed out of my suit as soon as I got home anyway. It's not like I was wearing good clothes but I was a really messy cook and I guess I just didn't want to have to change my clothes again once I was done cooking. I should probably also point out that this wasn't some apron that was meant for guys to wear while they grilled steaks or anything. This was Joanie's and it was something that one of her more traditional relatives had given her so it had ruffles on it. But it was better than having to change my clothes and the only person who was going to see me in it was someone who'd seen me in all manner of dress and undress already.

My hand didn't make it behind me to undo the tie before she stopped me.

"Please don't," she said softly and then she kind of dipped her head like she was embarrassed. "I like how you look in it."

So that was it. All the things we try to do to keep someone interested and all that time I just needed to toss on a frilly apron. I mean I know there was something to the needing the apron because I was cooking and she did admit that it had a better effect over the Levi's and plain t-shirt I was wearing than it would have over my suit. I never asked why that was and I don't know if she could have explained it if I did. There's lots of things I find attractive and I can't tell you why they turn me on but they do. Anyway, I sat down at the table apron and all and we had a nice meal. For a while…until I went and ruined it. Well, I'm not sure I would say I ruined the meal but I sure as hell tried.

"Joanie," I began and she looked up. I knew she could tell that what I had to ask or talk about was weighing on me pretty heavy and that I wasn't just about to ask about her day. "I wanted to ask you something kind of important. It's kind of been worrying me some today and I wanted to make sure about things, really make sure and not just assume."

"James, that might be the strangest way you have ever started a conversation," she said trying to mask the fear of whatever I was about to ask, "And that is saying something with you. Just ask because you are beginning to frighten me."

"Do you really want kids?" I asked and then jumped to explain before she could even answer or try to answer. "I mean I know you love children and I know you love babies but, well, things are complicated and hard and you get such joy from school and work and maybe things we thought were a given…well, maybe they don't have to be. I mean we never really talked about it. We mentioned babies and kids and stuff like that but we never really talked about really having them. Or how many or really anything at all beyond just the assumption that we would have them. I just want to make sure that things I think are really things you still want. Because I want you, Joanie. Just you. I would love to have kids with you, I really would. But not if you don't want to. It's important to me that you know that."

The look on her face was something I thought I was saving myself from seeing and yet I caused it. I know I have told you before that sometimes a man hits on just the right thing to say. Right then was an example of what happens the rest of the time. The rest of the time we say stupid things that make everything worse. It doesn't even matter the intentions we have because my intentions were good. I thought I was heading off a potential problem and maybe even helping her but her face right then was so wounded I knew I had failed miserably.

"You don't really want children, do you?" she said softly, "I'm close to finishing school and we could start trying to have them soon and you don't want them. Or you think I can't handle it. You think I am too crazy to handle children. You don't trust me with them. Oh my God! You think I wouldn't be a good enough mother to your babies!"

Her voice kept getting louder and shriller and I realized with every word and every increase in volume and pitch how badly I had just messed up.

"Joanie, nothing could be farther from the truth," I stammered.

"Then why would you even ask me something like that?" she asked, her voice becoming very soft once again. "You know how it jabs at me every time I see someone getting to that point and having things that I still have to wait for. You know how I hate myself for how jealous I am of Buck and Carol and Ike and Annie and even Lou. She might not have her man and my heart breaks for her but she has those boys. You know I damned near begged you to let us take in Jesse and you know how happy I was to have Theresa here. How could you even ask me that question unless it was you who had the second thoughts?"

"I just," I began and then found myself at a loss for finishing. She wasn't right about everything but I think at least a part of me worried that with her nervous nature that motherhood would be too much for her and I couldn't stand the thought of losing her or seeing her overwhelmed and unable to cope. I never thought she would be a bad mother. Actually, I knew she would be the best and still try to be the best wife and lawyer and she would run herself right into the ground. Whatever I told myself about being on the same page, I was worried for her. "I do worry that you try to be too perfect. I don't think I like admitting that all the time. You are not crazy but you take on too much sometimes and you suffer for it. You would never let our children suffer for it but you would work yourself to collapse to not let anyone down and that might kill me, Joanie. And I had a visit from Al today that got me thinking that it's better to talk things out that push them aside."

"Rachel got her test results?"

"Yeah she did and she's going to have a baby," I answered, "She's over the moon about it. You can't tell another living soul this but Al ain't so sure about this and he's having a hard time being as happy about it as she is. I don't want that to be us. I don't want you sitting there going through with something because it's what you think I would want or what we said we would have before we really knew what this real life stuff was like."

"I still want it," she said, "I get scared sometimes but maybe everyone does. I know I try to do too much. Maybe you can keep me from doing that. But please don't ever doubt that I want your children. It's important. I have always seen myself with children someday but it's important that you know that it is your children I want. I want to sing them to sleep and light menorah with them and go for picnics with them and take them to the cabin. I want to cheer on little league games and dance recitals and take them to the zoo and kiss scraped knees and comfort them when they have a nightmare. I want it for you too. I want you to see the man you truly are. I want to see you checking for monsters under the bed and reading bedtime stories. Remember you read me the Santa Claus poem that one time? I want you to do that every Christmas Eve. I want you to teach your son to throw a football and glare down the boys that your daughter brings home. We can have that, James."

I had rarely seen her speak so passionately before or since. I have seen her give closing arguments in a court case. I had seen her writing speeches about equality and peace and all the things that mattered to her. But the truth was nothing mattered to her as much as the two of us and our little family. Nothing could bring the emotion she was showing me like that could. She made it sound so good too. All the fears I had about being a father—and I admit to more than a few—vanished for those few moments while she was speaking. I told you that when she spoke of things that meant a lot to her that she got a fire in her eyes that was so sexy to me. Right at that moment she could not have been sexier. There was something about her faith in me. Oh, that ain't it…it was her faith in us. It reached in and grabbed my heart or maybe even my soul and reminded me of why I asked her to marry me, why I cared so much that first day about having hurt her feelings, why that ring on my finger was my proudest possession. It was like she shook me and made me remember why we fought so hard for what we had. I think that was when I knew she had forgiven me for what I had done with Rosemary too. She hadn't forgotten and she wasn't all done being hurt by it but she had forgiven me.

I decided that the dishes could wait and I got up and sauntered over to her getting goose bumps the whole time by the way she looked at me wearing that apron. I lifted her out of her chair and carried her to our bedroom.

"So you like the apron, do you?" I asked before I kissed her neck. She whispered something back to me that ain't none of your business and after that I guess we worked through a whole mess of emotions and fears and hurt. Exactly how we did it ain't your business either.

Being married is hard work...I think he's doing alright...and can anyone blame Joanie for being a little turned on by the apron? Oh sigh!-J