Don't know how many people outside of music and theatre know about it but up north in Michigan there's a camp. I guess it's a boarding school too but lots more people go to the camp. It's called Interlochen. Pretty impressive place and a lot of really impressive people have gone there.

Well, while we all was recovering from the riots and Noah's death, Theresa went up there. We wasn't sure Lou could swing it but it meant so much to Theresa. I didn't exactly ask Mr. Cohen or Uncle Eli for anything but I did invite them to one of her plays she did at some local theatre early in the summer. They had eyes and they knew that she could get in and all so they decided it was a good investment to pay to send her there. That camp don't come cheap. I knew it then and I found out for myself later on. But that's a story for another time.

Anyway, Theresa had been gone about a week out of her four week session. She went for the whole month of August and got back just in time to get her school supplies and start the new school year. Well, that first week, Jesse was even more irritable than I thought he would be. I just chalked it up to his girlfriend being gone and didn't think much more of it. I had a lot on my mind.

Billy was still taking Noah's death even harder than the rest of us. Of course, Noah died in his arms. I can't even imagine what that was like. And Sherry was worried for Billy and not always taking as good of care of herself as she was her husband. I know I told you before about the baby being born but he hadn't been yet then.

Joanie was crumbling too. The death and devastation in the city coupled with the death of her dear friend and then piled on top of a slew of new clients and she was just overwhelmed.

Most evenings I ended up just holding Joanie and letting her cry on me. Some nights, when I could pull her from her stacks of legal files, I would load her on the bike and we'd go for a ride. It helped some but escaping is only a temporary fix. Eventually you have to go back to what you're escaping from.

So, I admit I neglected the boy. I knew he was dealing with a lot too. Noah had been his friend and he was now a big brother to Michael who was still having trouble with why his daddy didn't come to pick him up. I should've reached out. I didn't.

I should be glad that I set us up with a good relationship early on. Remember when he was in such a bad place before he called me and that's how he ended up with Emma and Sam in the first place. He still knew he could come to me even when I wasn't being as open to him as I should be. I'd apologize for it but I'm only human and I needed some healing time too.

Well, one day I was puttering around the house just trying to keep busy. I think I had just changed the oil in the 'Vette as a matter of fact and up drove Jesse. He was so proud of himself that he'd earned enough money working for Al to buy himself a car. It wasn't fancy or new but he knew how to keep it running good and it was a set of wheels.

I smiled and waved at him as he pulled in the driveway and watched him get out like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I'll confess to being a bit annoyed that I was going to have to spend part of my day listening to him whine about his girlfriend being gone. It just seemed so trivial. Usually I could put things like that into perspective and remember how little things seemed so huge when I was that age. But there was too much big stuff right about then.

I pasted on the sympathetic smile though.

"Hey Jesse," I called to him. "Didn't expect to see you around. Thought you'd've gotten your fill of me and this house for a while."

Jesse was quiet and I started to get the idea that he had deeper problems than I originally thought.

"You alright, kiddo?"

That's when he turned those big blue eyes at me. They broke my heart.

"Come on and sit on the deck with me a spell," I said. I grabbed a couple Stroh's as we walked through the house to the back door. I know he was still most of a year from being legal to drink but something told me he could use a cold one right about then. And I wasn't dumb enough to think he'd never had a drink before. He was the starting quarterback of the football team for crying out loud. I knew he partied with the team and I knew he probably drank harder than just beer when he did. I had also hidden it from Emma and Sam that Joanie caught him smoking pot on the roof of the garage one day. We had a good talk about it and I told him I wouldn't cover for him if I heard of it again. He wasn't any angel but mostly he was a good kid and he tried damned hard to be a good son to Sam and Emma.

We sat on the deck sipping our beer in silence and finally I had to say something.

"Jesse," I began. "I don't want to rush you or nothing but you came here for a reason and I'm pretty sure it was to talk. You might want to say something."

"I can't," he said quietly. "I thought I could but I can't. I miss Noah. I could go to him with this. You'll hate me. I can't stand to think of you hating me but you will!"

I really took stock of his body language then. You have to first understand that this wasn't the scrawny, gawky fourteen year old that I'd rescued and sent to Emma anymore. He was seventeen and filling out nice. He played football, basketball and baseball and excelled at all of them. He easily had two and maybe even three inches on me and probably a few pounds of muscle as well. He was a big guy. I called him kiddo and thought of him like a kid still but he was working his way to being a man.

You wouldn't have known it to look at him right then though. I hadn't seen him try to make himself this small since the first night when Joanie and I took him in and he had those nightmares. He was afraid of me. He wasn't just afraid I'd hate him. I think he was afraid that if he told me what was bothering him that I'd hit him.

"Jesse," I said softly like I used to when he was much younger. "I need to say a couple things to you and I need you to listen real close. Because they're true. They ain't things I say just to say 'em."

He lifted those sad and scared eyes to me and it hurt to see him in that state.

"First thing I need to say is that I love you. I don't say that often to men and maybe men don't say it often enough to each other but it's true. You're like a little brother to me and I love you. I do. It ain't pity or even understanding where you came from. I just love you like I love my family and nothing you, or anyone else, says or does can change that. If you all of a sudden decided to do something that would get you locked up next to your brother, I'd still love you. I'd get Joanie and her dad and uncles on the case and I'd never miss a visit or a hearing because I love you."

I paused to see if my words were sinking in. I think they were a little. I could see his eyes getting wet. Then he surprised me and whispered something so soft I wasn't sure I heard it at first.

"I love you too."

"Next thing I want to say is that I'm damned proud of you. And I don't just mean all you've accomplished though that's part of it. I'm proud that I was able to help you. I don't always make the difference I want to and I did with you. You're a good man, Jesse. I don't call you that often enough but you are."

I took a breath and then looked right into those eyes that were killing me for all they held right then.

"Now, what's the matter? I promise I won't get upset with you. And I sure as hell won't hate you."

"It's about Theresa," he said cautiously. I understood then. This wasn't just about him missing her. Something happened and he knew how protective I was of her. I took another deep breath and a deeper pull of my beer before I said anything.

"I know you wouldn't ever do anything purposefully to hurt her," I said. "Tell me what happened."

"I messed up real bad," he replied.

"You sure about that?"

"Pretty sure."

"Tell me."

He sighed and it was his turn to grab some courage from the bottle in front of him.

"Well, all the time we been together, we hadn't…well, you know…gone all the way," he started. I almost stopped him. I was about to find out things I probably would have loved to have been kept in the dark about. But he needed me and he didn't have anyone else he felt safe enough talking to. So I let him go on.

"We went part of the way," he continued. "But never…all the way. I always remembered what you said. She was vulnerable because her dad ran out and Kid's missing and stuff. We kissed a lot and then lately…well, there's been a lot more…uh…touching. I always let her lead too. I followed willing enough, I admit."

"Jess," I interrupted. "You wasn't inexperienced before Theresa, were you?"

"You know I wasn't," he said and I saw the shame.

"I meant…before you met her…had you…well, when it was your choice?"

He nodded.

"It wasn't long after Sam and Emma took me in. Beth McCauley came on to me at a party I was at. There was a room where no one else was and…"

His voice trailed away. I nodded my understanding.

"Anyway," he said moving on with his story. "Theresa and I had been getting more…I don't know the word…"

"Passionate?" I offered trying to get thoughts of Theresa at all of eight years old out of my mind. I know she was older but I always saw her that way. Kind of how I tended to see Judy as perpetually thirteen. It's a bad habit but one I have a hard time breaking.

"I guess that's right. Well, one time we was together on the roof after we'd gone to the movies…she'd gotten me out of most of my clothes and she hitched up her skirt and slid her panties off and rolled on her back. I mean she was just offering it. But something in her eyes stopped me. She wasn't doing it because she was so in love with me or filled with passion but because she was scared. I don't know if she was scared I'd leave her if she didn't put out or what but I put her skirt back in place and just held her."

I wasn't expecting to hear that. I was actually even more proud of him than usual right then.

"She started crying. I think she thought I was rejecting her. I told her then. I told her…I hadn't ever told anyone before. I think you know though. The men my mom brought around. Not all of them wanted her. Some of them wanted me and she just let them. I was eight the first time it happened. Some of them paid her for me. Some, I don't even know what she got out of it. I was so scared to tell her. I mean what girl wants to hear about her guy doing that stuff? I thought she might up and leave me but I had to make her understand. I know what it feels like when people use you and I could never, ever use her. I mean…you said it yourself, someday it'll be right and when it is then that's the time. Not before."

He stopped talking for a moment to take a drink and wipe his eyes.

"I still feel dirty and wrong and disgusting. I thought she'd feel the same way about me. But I should've known her better than that. She started crying and just clung to me like she couldn't hold me tight enough. I guess I was crying too. It's hard to talk about stuff like that. She just started saying how sorry she was and then thanking God for you and for Emma and Sam. I realized about then that she wasn't going to turn from me. I think she knew how hard it was to tell her that."

"It takes a lot of guts to open up about something like that," I told him. "Says a lot about how you feel about her too."

"I told her I loved her then," he went on nodding. "I'd told her before and it wasn't ever a lie but I think that's the first time I understood the word right. I do love her, Jimmy."

"I know you do."

"Anyway," he began talking again. "We got…closer after that. It didn't stop us getting passionate either but we still didn't go all the way. She opened up more and talked about how she felt and she wasn't ready. She was ready for plenty enough to keep me happy though. Just not that. And it was okay. I told her I could wait. That I loved her and that someday it would feel right to her and it would be so much better for waiting until then.

"Things were real good for us until she was getting ready to leave for Interlochen. We had to find another place to meet up since the garage isn't rebuilt yet but we did. I ain't saying where though. But we were alone and it was private. I guess things got hotter and heavier than they ever had before because before I knew it we were both naked. I didn't remember undressing her or even her undressing me but there we were.

"She whispered in my ear that she wanted me, needed me. She was ready, she said. I worried a little and I told her I'd wait for her to get back and she didn't have to. She told me that she knew I'd be true to her and that's why she knew it was right. I guess you know there's only so much holding back a man can do when a naked woman he's in love with is begging him to…you know."

I nodded remembering a certain night on a beach in the UP.

"Well, I reached over and fished my wallet out of my jeans that was laying next to us. I keep a rubber in there just in case and I guess you know what happened next."

I did and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Theresa was almost like a daughter to me. At the very least she was like a baby sister. But then Jesse was like my kid brother and it's not like he wasn't sensitive to her feelings or anything. He tried his darnedest to not pressure her and make sure she was ready and it sounds like she was…or she thought she was at any rate. I sort of wished she'd talked to someone before doing what she did.

"What happened after?" I asked.

"Well, she was kind of shaking so I hugged her tighter and asked if she was okay. She nodded but didn't seem to want to talk. I wasn't sure what to do but it's not like we had forever or anything. She had to get going for home before Lou started worrying and then she was up early and gone the next day. I told her I loved her again and she said she loved me too but it was weird. And I haven't heard from her since. I wrote her every day. Just like we said we would do and she hasn't written me at all. After a week, something would've come by now if she'd written. I messed up so bad, Jimmy. I don't even know what to do. I'm not going to see her for three more weeks and she's mad at me. Hell, she probably hates me. You probably do too now. What am I going to do?"

I have to say of all the things I thought when Jesse pulled into my driveway that day, that was the last thing I expected I'd be counseling him on. I wasn't even sure what to say.

"I'd tell you not to sweat it until you can talk to her but I know that's far easier said than done."

I heard a car pulling in then and checked my watch quick to confirm it was time for Joanie to be getting home. I had some steaks ready to hit the grill so I got up to greet her and make sure she knew I had supper under control. I figured tossing a salad would complete it well enough. It was still hot as hell and turning on the oven inside was a bad idea. We probably wouldn't even eat inside. I figured we'd sit on the deck and eat while we listened to Ernie on the radio.

Jesse touched my arm and looked scared.

"Yeah, I'm going to tell her," I said. "She loves you more than I do, I think. When you first came to us, I think she wanted to keep you. She can probably help."

I handed him a mint.

"Better suck on this though and we'll let her think I drank both of these," I added with a sheepish smile holding up the empty beer bottles. I could've told Sam I gave the kid a beer and he'd've been fine but the women were a little weird sometimes.

I made it in through the back door and into the kitchen just as Joanie got in.

"Is Jesse here?" she asked. "That's his car in the drive, isn't it?"

"I'm here, Joanie," he answered. "I was just leaving though."

"No you weren't," I told him. "You were coming in to get a Coke and help me chop up some vegetables for a salad to go with them steaks. And then you were staying for supper with us."

I leaned and kissed Joanie and went to the fridge and poured her a glass of iced tea.

"Actually, Jesse, how about you go out and get the coals ready while I catch up with my wife a little?"

He looked unsure at me but nodded and headed out back to start the grill.

I followed Joanie up the stairs where I knew she was going to get out of her business clothes and into something more comfortable. I needed to talk to her privately and I also decided that catching a glimpse of my gorgeous wife in her altogether was a nice little bonus.

"You know you're not getting any while the boy's here, right?" Joanie asked raising an eyebrow. I admit that from time to time I liked to take advantage of her unclothed state when she got home. I mean I wasn't trying to be a letch or anything but she was tired and needed a foot rub or back rub and then one thing could sometimes lead to another.

"I can honestly say that I didn't come up here to start nothing, sweetie," I told her. "Though the view is pretty nice."

I was rewarded with her blouse flying at me and landing on top of my head.

"Actually I came up here to talk about Jesse," I explained. "He's got a bit of a problem and I don't know as I'm the best one to help him. He's too embarrassed to talk to you himself, or at least to start the talking."

"Uh-oh…that doesn't sound good at all," she said as she buttoned up a cotton blouse, the kind that doesn't have sleeves. She looked a lot cooler and more comfortable by then. "Tell me about it."

She sat down at her dressing table and set to taking off the jewelry she wore to work and listened to me fill her in. By the time she was down to her wedding ring and the star of David she wore all the time, I was most of the way through the story. She twisted her unruly curls up off her neck and pinned them up while I finished it.

I couldn't really read her expression and she was real quiet for a minute when I finished talking.

"The poor dear," she said at last. "He must be terrified. I remember how scared you were that you messed things up after our first time too. And I was right there to come see you and talk about it. I can only imagine though the things that are going through poor Theresa's head. She might've thought she was ready but I doubt she was."

That thought had occurred to me too and I'm sure it had also occurred to Jesse.

"Is that why he was in such a hurry to leave?" she asked.

"I think he still thinks I'm going to beat on him for deflowering her or something," I said and I caught her look. She was so protective of him and I understood it too.

"I didn't even raise my voice," I said quickly trying to defend myself. "I'm not mad at him. I maybe need to make that clearer. But I didn't say a single judgmental thing and I didn't yell or anything. I swear it, Joanie. You know how I feel about that boy. I admit I'm conflicted here but I don't hold a single thing against him. I'd like to have a few words with a certain young lady though. It's probably a good thing I won't see her for three more weeks."

"I agree. I think she's having enough of a discussion with herself right now. I think anything we could say in our state would only make things worse."

"I know," I said. "Don't mean I don't have a few words for her."

Joanie giggled at me.

"I'm sure you do, James. It's probably best if you let them go too."

She led the way out of our room and down the stairs where we found Jesse cutting up cucumbers and tomatoes to go into the lettuce he'd already chopped.

"Emma trained you well," I noted as I walked into the room. "You're right useful to have around."

"I don't like seeing her work so hard," he explained. "I learned to do stuff so I could do it before she did. I got the grill ready. You can put the steaks on whenever you want. So I thought I'd get going on the salad. Not sure what else you want on it. I found tomatoes, carrots and cukes. Is there anything else you wanted?"

"I think there are some green peppers in the fridge too," I replied. "I'll get chopping on those. Did you get yourself that Coke?"

"Yeah, I already chugged it."

"You're allowed another. I think there's some lemonade in there too. And iced tea."

"Or you could have another beer," Joanie piped up. Damn, I never could put anything over on that woman. "I won't judge. I'm grabbing one. Can I get a couple more for you guys?"

Jesse smiled at Joanie's offer.

"As long as you aren't going to rat me out to Emma," he answered.

"She'd be madder at us than at you," I pointed out.

We finished the salad and I seared the steaks as we kept to a light banter. Once we sat down, Joanie got serious.

"Jesse, you know we need to talk, right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Do not call me ma'am," Joanie said softly. "No one here is angry with you."

"You should be."

"No," I said. "You handled yourself alright. I think maybe…maybe…help me out here, Joanie."

"Theresa's still young," Joanie said.

"I know…she's too young. I shouldn't have done it even though she said it was what she wanted."

"That's not what I meant," Joanie corrected. "What I mean is that she probably really thought she was ready. I suspect that wasn't the case."

"I never wanted her to do something she didn't want to."

Jesse looked like he might tear up.

"Oh Jesse," Joanie cooed gently patting his arm. "I know. I know you didn't pressure her. I don't know what was in her head but she must have thought she knew what she was doing. I doubt she did know though. I was eighteen and I wasn't prepared for it. It's a big thing. It's never what we think it will be. She's probably scared and confused. I'll bet she doesn't know what she's feeling right now. You're a sweet boy, Jesse. I need you to remember that. You have a good heart and you really love her. She's lucky. I know girls whose first times weren't with someone who loved them. I was lucky like Theresa."

Joanie blushed and smiled at me. I think Jesse caught the look we shared and lowered his eyes.

"I just want to know she's okay."

"I know," Joanie told him. "I know you do and she might not be able to give you that assurance. You've written to her, right?"

"We said we'd write every day and I have. I write every night and send it the next morning. I never miss a day. If she was writing every day too I would have gotten something."

"What do your letters say?"

"You think maybe I said something wrong?"

"No…just maybe you didn't say something that might be important."

"I tell her what's going on here and I tell her I love her. The first letter I told her she's beautiful. And the last one I told her I was sorry. I took advantage. I didn't know what else to say. I tell her I miss her…"

"Try…try telling her how being with her like that made you feel. How did it make you feel?"

I saw Jesse turn bright red at Joanie's question.

"She don't mean like that," I clarified. "She means your emotions."

"Oh," he said and then turned brighter red. "It was…powerful. I felt special and loved and uh…humble I guess. That she would want to and with me. I mean I know it's a big deal, especially for girls and it felt like a gift or something. A really special gift."

"Tell her that, Jesse," Joanie whispered. "Tell her all of that. I think that might be what she needs to hear."

Joanie's eyes were shining a little but she swallowed hard and then stood up.

"Who's for walking down to the corner for some ice cream cones?"

"I don't know about the kid but I sure could go for some ice cream," I said.

Jesse got up and came with us. He looked a little lighter for the talks he'd had but I knew his worries weren't over. A woman sure can turn a man inside out. Not just any woman though…just whichever one he falls in love with. Nothing can make a man hurt so bad as thinking he messed things up with the woman he loves. I could feel for the kid. I knew I'd been given more chances than I deserved by the woman holding my hand as we walked to the ice cream shop on the corner.

Hey there. So yeah...um...this. I don't really have anything to say except that Interlochen is really cool. Jewel went there and Josh Groban and lots of other cool people too. Very prestigious. I feel bad for Jesse...and Theresa. I'm sure she thought she was ready and I think maybe she wasn't. And Jesse tried his darnedest. He really did. He's a good kid. I think maybe because of all he went through and then with having Emma and Sam as parents for these last few years. I know he didn't want to hurt her.-J