So life marched on and sometimes that's all I could say for it. Joanie never seemed to quite settle down or light anywhere for long enough to get a bead on her. I should have been concerned. I know that. Honestly, I must look like such an idiot as tell the tale. I feel like one, that's for sure. But I was busy with getting settled back into the school routine and there's never a dull moment at a high school. On Saturdays it seemed I always had a little shadow or two tagging behind me to the zoo or some park. Michael needed a lot of help getting situated. He was still asking for his daddy all the time.

And Joanie was swamped at work. I didn't like the hours she was working but I thought maybe helping clean the mess like that would help her heal. She was so wounded by what had happened a couple months earlier. Not just Noah dying but all of it…the tanks in the streets, the fires, all of it.

We had a little break from our usual worries and concerns when we helped Judy move. She'd moved completely out of her parents' house after her freshman year and I think she planned to keep the same apartment for a while. But then came the murder of an Eastern Michigan University student. Her body was found in July, I think.

I guess I should clarify what that had to do with good old short stuff. See, Eastern is in this town called Ypsilanti which is so close to Ann Arbor, where U of M is, that when you drive from one to the other, you can't hardly tell when you leave one and enter the other. It just so happened that Judy's apartment was in Ypsilanti and not Ann Arbor. Mr. Cohen was terrified for his daughter. He tried to talk her into moving into dorms on campus and she balked. I got the call from Gladys when their argument hit the point of screaming and threats.

I understood Judy's need for independence and also her father's fears. I sure the hell didn't want anything to happen to her either. So we talked it out and decided that an apartment much closer to campus would satisfy everyone. So I helped her move into the new place. It was close enough to campus that she'd have the protections of Ann Arbor police as well as campus police. And since the murder had been in Ypsilanti, we all figured she'd be safe. We had no idea at the time how bad the situation could get. I'll get to all that later though.

Sundays we all still got together at Emma and Sam's. It was a house of distraction. Sam was distracted with his investigations. Emma was distracted with Michael. Sherry was distracted with the baby. Rachel was distracted with her pregnancy. Al was distracted with the rebuilding. Jesse and Theresa were distracted with trying not to act distracted about their still unsteady relationship. Joanie was distracted and I know now I should have talked to her more to understand but I really just thought she was distracted with work. And that was part of it. I could have made her talk to me. I could have called Aaron and made him call her. I could have talked to Judy…I didn't. The true nature of all of Joanie's distractions would come to light in time so right now I'll just suffice to say that she was distracted.

Lou was distracted too. I thought maybe it was about the boys. But it wasn't. I sat down and talked to her one day. I promised after all to look after her for him. I know I promised Joanie I'd take care of her too and I wasn't doing all I could there. But I sat and talked to Lou anyway. I had just spent the day before with Jack and Bobby. They wanted to talk about what they were going to be for Halloween. I told 'em as many stories as I could remember about their dad and me going trick or treating. It's not like our moms ever made us costumes or anything but we'd piece together something every year anyway and go out and get some candy like we was normal kids or something.

"Hey there, gorgeous," I said walking onto the porch and sitting on the swing next to Lou. "Forgive me for sounding like your overprotective husband, but I think you're working yourself too hard. Theresa's worried about you. She told me."

"My sister has a flair for the dramatic," Lou replied. "She sees things to worry about where there ain't any."

"I think she's right. You been looking run down lately. I know you want to help everyone, Lou. You got a loving and generous heart. But…between those rambunctious boys of yours, a teenage girl with a love of the dramatic, your classes and working at the hospital…honey, where's the time for you? I know Al appreciates all you've done to help him rebuild the garage but he won't think less of you for being human. Loving people don't make more hours in the day just 'cause you want 'em."

"I like being busy, Jimmy."

"There's busy and then there's working yourself to death," I pointed out. "Your husband is halfway around the world fighting like hell to get back to you and his family. What good is all his fighting if there ain't nothing left of you when he gets here?"

"You still believe that, Jimmy?" she asked. Her voice was tiny, frail. She looked tiny and frail. Lou wasn't a big girl but she never seemed small or frail. Never. But she did right then. "About him still being alive and fighting…that he'll come home to me?"

I knew her doubts. I'd had 'em myself a time or two. We hadn't gotten letters in the longest time from him and that didn't bode well. Others had come home and had told of such horrific conditions it was a wonder any human could survive at all. But I knew Kid was made of tougher stuff than other men. He was tougher than me in lots of ways. And he had too damned much to live for. He'd find a way. And I could just feel it. I still believed with all my being that I would know if he was gone. And he wasn't. I just knew.

"I do, Lou," I said honestly. "I really do. And it ain't just wishing either. I can just tell. I can feel him. I know he's out there. Honey, if I thought he was gone, I wouldn't want you clinging to false hope. I wouldn't want you hanging onto something you can't have. I care too much for you. I care too much for him too. I know he wouldn't want that. But he's out there. I know he is."

"I want to still believe," she whispered. "When I'm alone, I even do. But then…"

"Don't listen to the others," I told her. "They mean well but they don't know him like we do. They ain't connected to him like we are. Anyone in particular giving you headaches?"

"Mostly girls at work. There's this doctor…he's good looking enough, I guess. If I knew Kid was gone, really gone, I'd probably even take this guy up on his invitations. He just wants to take me to dinner. He's a nice guy even..."

Her voice trailed away but I could tell she wasn't done talking so I just sat there and waited.

"Sometimes I think, what could be the harm? You know what I mean?" she asked and I nodded. I didn't even want to think what it was like for her. Even with as distant as Joanie was around then, I had her to hold in the night. I had her to cook for or to cook for me. I had her laughter, her tears…her worries even. I had her with me. To love someone that much, to be that connected to someone…and know they're out there but that you can't touch them, look at them except in old photos, hear their voice, feel their touch, quiet their fears…I just couldn't fathom but it broke my heart. I felt helpless enough with the situation. He was my brother after all. But he was her husband…the father of those boys.

"I do know," I answered. "It's hard on me too…but I can do things you can't. I can be for other people what I want to be for him…you can't do that, can you? Not really."

"I feel like half a person sometimes," she looked ashamed to be voicing these thoughts. But I'll tell you from years of working with people with problems and my own personal experience, the thoughts that shame you the most to give voice to are the very ones that need speaking. "I get so mad at him for leaving me. Not for leaving us but for leaving me. I'm horrible to say such a thing. I'm horrible to feel it even."

"That's not horrible," I told her matter-of-factly. "That's human. You know logically that he didn't choose to be captured but you're hurt and you feel abandoned. And he did choose to join the army in the first place. I don't recall you being too happy about that. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. That's truth, Lou. That's not just me wanting you to feel better. That's every class I took in college. You need to give yourself permission to be sad and lonely and angry and maybe even feel betrayed. Be mad at the ones holding him, be mad at the government. Be angry as hell at him. It's okay. I ain't too pleased with him myself. This wasn't the deal we had, him and me. We was always supposed to be there for each other. Neither of us was supposed to go off and be where we couldn't do that. When he gets home, I'll be happy and relieved but when those feelings wane, I'll have a bone to pick with that husband of yours."

Lou laughed a little at me then.

"How awful is it that I want to go to dinner with that doctor?"

"I don't think it's awful at all, Lou," I said honestly. "You're still a woman. All work and no play as the saying goes. You need to get out and have some fun. Have Theresa watch the boys or me and Joanie and go out for a few drinks with the girls from work. Or maybe see if Timmy wants to have a sleepover with Bobby and Jack and I'll take you to a movie one night when Joanie's working late. Staying faithful to him don't mean you can't have some fun still. There's a place still showing that Robert Redford movie that came out a few months back. Last I knew, you had yourself a little crush on him. It's supposed to be a comedy too. I could maybe use a laugh or two. What do you say?"

"Won't your wife be jealous?"

"I doubt it. She understands. It's like her with her friend Aaron. It ain't even about him not liking women. I just know he'd never be able to see her as some love object. There might've been a time, Lou, when I wished different. But I couldn't see you as anything other than my sister now. It'll be like taking Judy to the movies…which I do sometimes."

"Alright, Jimmy," she relented. "But I do not have a crush on Robert Redford."

"Well then, you might be the only woman in America who don't…and that would include my darling wife."

I stared at her a moment and she blushed and looked away.

"Okay so he is handsome," she confessed. "His eyes aren't as blue as Kid's though."

I chuckled at her. I knew she was mad and God help Kid when he did get home for the wrath he would face from her but she still talked about him like she did when they were in high school and just dating. Of course, I guess I understood. Didn't matter how Joanie went on about grey hairs and crow's feet or how long we'd been together or how many kids or grandkids we had…I always saw that fresh-faced girl in her powder blue dress coming down the stairs with the little flowers tucked in her hair. I always felt completely unworthy of the beauty I saw in her.

Well, Lou and I went on that movie date to see Barefoot in the Park—not date the way other people mean it though. It was good for the two of us. We went out a few more times just for a movie or something and we'd stop at some diner after and get a malted or a soda and talk. Mostly we talked about him, Kid. It was good to talk about him. Joanie hadn't ever tried to raise the topic of naming the baby after him. Not this time. She knew better but I think she still wanted to if it was a boy.

We got through October well enough. Joanie and I helped take the kids around trick-or-treating. Michael was doing a little better by then. It was funny, Sarah Jean was only a couple months older than he was but she somehow just knew he needed protecting and she decided to be the one to do it. She doted on him. It set the tone for how things always was for them. She always looked out for him, stuck up for him. She always called him her brother. In time, he could look out for her too and I don't envy the poor boys who eventually took a shine to her because Michael could make himself imposing and any boy wanting to date his sister had to go through him before they ever even got to Sam. And Sam carried a gun.

I guess the true tales of Michael and Sarah Jean are for another time…like so much of this, it seems. I know I digress a lot. I'm old and I'm really trying to keep things in order.

The beginning of November marked a celebration for our bunch. It was the grand re-opening of Al's Garage. I'd done what I could to help with the rebuilding and Lou had helped more than she should've. I know Buck and Ike spent a good deal of time there too. Sam walked down when he had free time. He was so frustrated by the investigations that I think he needed the release of swinging the hammer. Sometimes hitting something feels good. And I think more than that, we all needed a hand in rebuilding our city. We needed to feel like we was doing something to bring things back. Doing something constructive, you know?

More than any of the rest of us, the work had been shouldered by Jesse. He'd gotten most of the football team to come help. He owed Al a lot. Probably owed the man almost as much as I did. He wasn't about to see Al undone by the senselessness of the riots. And Jesse was hurting worse than most knew over Noah's death. They say time heals and maybe it does for some but I ain't never healed from Noah getting killed. I don't think any of us really have.

Thinking about Noah and how he died hurts as fresh today as it did all them years ago. I don't know what to do with all that hurt. Nothing helps it. I've tried to live a good life. I've helped people like Noah would have if he'd been alive, like how he did while he was with us. I've talked to his grave, his picture and the heavens. I've wept and yelled and screamed. I helped raise up his son into a man to be proud of. But I never found a way to ease the hurt.

I think it helped Jesse to turn in toward his family then. He spent a lot of time with Michael and Sarah Jean and doted on Emma. And he worked like a madman to get the garage rebuilt. He talked to me some and said that Noah dying like that made him appreciate all the more. And that was saying a lot. Jesse never took for granted what he had with Sam and Emma. But it made him realize how impermanent people were. Even people who wanted to be with you and didn't want to leave you might not always have the choice.

The day the garage opened again was a happy day for all of us. Al was beaming and Rachel was glowing even more than she had been. She was pretty big by then but nothing ever diminished what a beauty she was.

All the women made refreshments and people came from all over the neighborhood to welcome Al's business back. Joanie even took the time to special decorate a cake celebrating Al's triumphant return. It was such a good day.

For a while in my life, I cursed myself anytime I let myself believe things could go good. And I don't mean when I was young and my dad was beating on me or when I had such bad luck with women or anything like that. I'm talking about those years in the mid to late sixties. Anything we celebrated then seemed to be the precursor of doom. Hell, none of us ever did properly celebrate Billy's big job with the network. Before we had a chance, we knew it was taking him from us.

I mean, he was doing alright and Sherry finally settled down. She even started looking for jobs and got one without even hardly trying for it. It was some research position at the college. That woman was all kinds of smart. I used to kid Billy that I didn't know what a smart girl like her was doing with a guy like him. You'd think he'd get sore but he'd just smile and say, "I can't be too dumb. I was smart enough to grab her up before anyone else had a chance."

But we celebrated with Al anyway. I mean you can't begrudge people their happiness and I guess I always hoped our string of bad things would snap eventually. It did but not then. Al re-opened on a Monday and Wednesday I got a frantic call from Joanie.

I wasn't even sure who it was at first. The phone in my office rang and I answered and there was nothing for a few minutes. I think I must've said hello four or five times. I was just about to hang up when I heard a small sound. It sounded like a whimper. About all I could tell was it was a female voice and, the way my world was then, that didn't narrow the field all that much.

"Hello?" I asked again. "Is someone there?"

I mean it could be Emma or Rachel or Theresa or Lou. It could be one of my students, past or present. It could be Judy or Joanie…I just had no idea and the not knowing scared me half to death.

The whimper came again followed by what was undeniably a sob.

"Who's there?" I asked. "Please."

"I'm sorry, James."

It was a whisper and nearly lost in the crying that was obviously on the other end of the line.

"Joanie?" I know it was dumb to even ask. No one else really called me that. And even in a hushed and hitching whisper, I knew my sweet Joanie's voice. "What's wrong, honey? Are you alright? Was there an accident."

I tried to think why she'd be sorry. She'd taken my car that day to work. I needed to drop hers off—not the 'Vette, we didn't drive that one everyday anymore—at Al's for some new tires before the snow flew. I thought maybe there'd been an accident and she was worrying I'd be mad about the car. It was a new car but it wasn't a classic or anything and it was insured. I was more worried she might be hurt.

"No…there was no accident, James," she said and I could tell that hearing my voice was helping her regain her composure.

"Honey, where are you? I'll leave right now."

"Uncle Ira's office," she replied softly. "I'm so sorry, my love."

"Why—ˮ I began and then the realization hit me. "Oh Joanie…are you alright? What did Uncle Ira say? Never mind…tell me when I get there. I'm on my way. I love you, beautiful."

I didn't even let her respond. I could hear her protesting as I put the receiver down but I was going to go to her. I blew past Florence on my way out the door. She looked up in question.

"Joanie," I said breathlessly. "The baby."

Florence nodded and looked sad. She had three grown children of her own. Couple grandkids too. She knew Joanie was only a few months along.

"Give her my love," she said tenderly. I paused in the doorway of the counseling center and just looked at Florence. I'm not sure I had really paid her enough notice before. She was just there. But I realized, she had been there a lot. She had been there for three years of my life, my entire professional career. She'd known me when I was a newlywed and still way too wet behind the ears to even do my job right. But she guided me through it. Honestly, education and degree aside, she could probably do my job or any other at that school better than me or anyone else. When I hadn't been looking or had been distracted by other things, Florence had become part of my family. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I will. Thank you, Florence."

And then I nearly ran out of the building. I couldn't get to my girl fast enough.

I don't need to belabor this anymore, really. Joanie lost the baby. She convinced herself she was a failure as a wife, as a woman. All I could do was hold her. Uncle Ira assured us once again that there was nothing actually wrong with Joanie. It was just bad luck so far. There was nothing to indicate she couldn't carry a child to term, she just hadn't as yet.

I got her home, made her some supper and even got her to eat a little of it before I tucked her into bed. She still kept apologizing to me and I still kept telling her there was nothing to be sorry for. It was sad and we were both hurting over it but it wasn't her fault, or mine or anyone else's. Eventually she fell asleep.

I went back to work the next day and found that Florence had made a casserole for me to take home for supper. Joanie was back to work the following week. It was hard to look at her. So much of her sparkle and shine was gone. When she talked to me at all, and that was a seldom thing around then, she kept reminding me she could try again in a few months. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I wasn't sure she could take it if one more didn't work out. I wanted children but I wasn't sure it was worth seeing my wife fade before my eyes. I couldn't tell her that though. She'd think I lost faith in her. Or fell out of love or some other such nonsense. At least I was smart enough to know not to voice those thoughts to her. I did to a couple others though.

I talked to Al first.

"Jimmy," he said as he was pondering the situation. "I remember wondering if trying for another child was the right thing myself. I know you remember it too. I almost lost her once. Twice really. Once when she delivered our David and then after…her depression was so bad. But look at her. I can't tell you what to do but if she wants to try then I think you should consider it."

Next I went to Lou. It was a Saturday and Joanie was getting some time with Judy. I think they were shopping somewhere. So I went to Lou's. We sat and drank a coke or two and I told her my fears.

"Remember when you told us you got engaged?" she asked me and I nodded. I tried to forget how against our marriage Lou had been but I'd never really been able to. I wondered at that time how genuine Lou really was when she was nice to Joanie. If she was studying her waiting for when Joanie would hurt me. I know since then we'd talked and Lou had said she understood but understanding and not being fearful for a friend are two very different things.

"Well," Lou went on with a sigh. "It was because she was sometimes so frail…not frail like she can't take care of herself or she's weak. But emotionally. She has such fears and insecurities. I saw that as a flaw. It ain't really. Not as big of one as I made it out to be. Hell, I got more fears than I can shake a stick at now. I always have. I just hid 'em better than she did. I think I envied her a little too. I always feared most what Kid would think of me if he knew I wasn't as tough as I put on. I know now…I know he'd be there anyway. I never talked to him about it but I know it all the same. I think I understand love better now. Do you see what I'm getting at, Jimmy?"

"I…no, I don't, Lou. I'm sorry."

"Look," she began and I could see the look cross her face like when she was explaining something to Bobby or Jack. I might get resentful of that if it weren't for the fact that I was dumb enough to merit that look far too often. "You married her knowing what she was like. You knew she could flip out on you. You knew that. You loved her in spite of it and maybe even a little because of it. I ain't saying you like her being sad or scared or anything like that. But I think that you feel a little less inferior to her knowing she ain't perfect."

"I taught you too much from my Psychology classes," I said with a small smile.

"Maybe. Or maybe I just know you too well, Jimmy," she replied. "The point is that you can't bail on her for something you knew all along. It ain't like she hid this part of herself from you and just sprung it on you recently. And you know she can't help that she's like this."

"And I can't help how I feel either, Lou."

"I know. And I don't blame you, Jimmy. I don't. I hate thinking of Kid not safe and he hated thinking of anything happening to me. That's part of love. But you got to talk things out. You got to. She's not okay right now. She might not be for a while. And if she loses another, it might break her completely. Or it might not. You don't know. You told me once that you wanted to be able to be her strength. You wanted to make things easier for her. Do it. Hiding from her and how she's feeling ain't helping her. Neither is talking to me or Al about your feelings. You want to help her, talk to her. Be honest. And don't forget that for all her fears, she's come through so much already…and you should still be groveling for the whole Rosemary fiasco."

"Remember once you told me that I was a good friend to talk to?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she said smiling sadly. "It was the day I told Kid I was pregnant with Bobby and he made the choice to join the army. You calmed me down, reminded me that I love him."

"Well, you're a pretty good friend to talk to too."

She smiled and looked like she was about to say something but the phone rang.

"Hold that thought, Jimmy," she said with a smile as she jumped up to head for the phone. "It's probably Theresa wanting to spend the night at some friend's house or something."

She hurried to the phone in the kitchen and I sat and waited. I waited for a while for her to come back. I needed to get home and talk to my girl so I started getting antsy. Finally I decided that it wasn't just Theresa on the phone and I went to signal to her that I was heading out and we'd talk later. When I got to the kitchen, she wasn't on the phone anymore. She was sitting on the floor of the kitchen leaning against the cupboards with tears running down her face.

"Who was it, Lou?" I asked urgently. "Who was on the phone? Was it Theresa? Is she okay?"

"Theresa's fine," Lou whispered. "It wasn't her."

I felt dread then. That feeling of dread I'd had since long before Kid had even been deployed hit me. I couldn't breathe. What if all my feelings that Kid was still fighting were just feelings? Just wishful feelings?

"Lou, honey, who was on the phone?"

"I don't recall his name," she said. "It was Donald or Donnelly or Duncan or some such…I can't remember. A captain, I think. He was calling from Germany. I don't remember the name of the post either. I don't remember much."

"Lou," I said gently as I crouched down next to her. "Tell me…what did he say?"

She turned to me and her eyes were near wild. I thought perhaps we might lose her again like we did when he went missing. But then she was fully present with me. Wild looking and nearly crazed but present, she was not fading from me or anything else.

"Kid…Kid's there. He's in Germany. In a US Army hospital in Germany. He's alive, Jimmy. He's hurt and he's weak and he can't travel the rest of the way to the States until he gets a little better. I guess he ain't been conscious a whole lot. But…he's alive and our people got him now…not theirs. He's going to come back to us just like you said, Jimmy!"

So, there was a lot of ground to cover in this. I hate to say it but chapters are likely to be this full for quite a while. It was a busy time in history. So...yeah...lots going on. And some really big news...well, I guess a fair amount of big news. Some good, some bad. I'm sorry it has taken so long but really...I haven't had internet at the house so I have to run to the library every day to get online and it definitely cramps my style as far as writing time and editing time. I have to thank the movie J Edgar for getting me back in a J&J kind of mood. Seeing the scenes with Bobby Kennedy in that movie reminded me where I was in this story timewise and I just had to start writing it again.

I also have another story in the works. It is a companion piece of sorts to my recent Teaspoon story. I think everyone will like it if I can ever feel good enough about it to publish. So hopefully I'll have that soon. And hopefully we'll have some internet at the house soon too. I really miss that.

So, let me know what you thought of this...any hearty souls who've stuck with me thus far.-J