Things were a little better between me and Joanie after that letter. I think a part of me had been MIA too. That's not fair to her but then, that's the way marriage is sometimes. Sometimes things happen that affect one person more and the other person doesn't deserve the fallout. Usually those balance out over the years though. At least that was my experience.

Joanie was still talking about when we could start trying to get pregnant again and I was still putting off talking to her. I'm a coward sometimes and I'll be the first to admit it.

Of course I had another conversation that needed to be had too. I wasn't looking forward to that one any more than I was looking forward to talking to Joanie about babies. I thought for a while that I could talk to Bobby and Jack first and maybe Theresa too but I knew better. I knew I needed to have the talk with Lou before I could even think of talking to the kids.

There was a day we had some assembly at school that I didn't have to be at so I decided to meet Lou as she got off work at the hospital. We had planned to meet but she still looked confused when I pulled up. I know I had been cryptic on the phone when I told her I wanted to meet her. It was starting to get cold being November and all so she got in and we drove around for a little while before I found a place to park where we could talk.

"So what's this about, Jimmy?" she asked once I put the car in park. Lou was never one to beat around the bush. Still, she looked scared of what I might say. Maybe she had a good reason to be scared too.

"I got a letter from Kid," I said trying to sound calmer. Or, at least, I was trying to sound calmer than I felt right about then.

"That should have you smiling. You're not."

"He wanted me to do some things for him," I said knowing full well that my words weren't making anything clearer for her. "With you and the kids."

"What kind of things?" she asked eying me suspiciously.

"Nothing big," I replied avoiding her eyes. They were big and brown and worked almost as well as Joanie's as a truth serum to me. "He wanted me to try to prepare the kids for him coming home. Try to diffuse Theresa's anger a little and maybe help the boys feel a little more secure with the changes that'll be coming."

"You aren't telling me everything, are you?" she demanded with the anger growing in her voice. "Out with it, Jimmy! What else did he want you to do for him?"

"He wanted me to prepare you too," I told her with a sigh. "He ain't the same man that marched onto that plane. He's seen things, endured things…he's…well, have the doctors told you about his medical condition?"

"They said he had malaria and he was real weak and hadn't been eating enough."

"That's all they said?"

She nodded and I could see her lips trembling. I sighed heavily. I had hoped that Kid was wrong and she knew more than he thought she did.

"Well, they haven't told you everything."

I watched her tense up as she braced herself for what I might say.

"I guess right before he was taken prisoner he got shot. Sounds like it was a bad injury to his leg and I doubt any medics they might have in those camps would qualify to work at the Mayo Clinic or anything. I ain't sure what they actually even had for medical care."

"Shot?"

"Yeah honey," I said gently taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. "He was shot. But that was two years ago. He's alive."

"So why didn't the doctors say something? What are you still keeping from me, Jimmy? You have to tell me."

"I'm trying, Lou," I told her. "I am. I just don't know how to say all he wants me to. He's…he has trouble walking. He can but he limps bad, I guess. He says sooner than he should, he'll probably lose the ability altogether."

"He limps? That's it? Jimmy…why all of this then? I don't understand."

"He…oh Hell, Lou," I sighed running my hands through my hair. "You got to understand that thinking of us here was all that kept him alive over there. He thought of you and me and he thought of the boys and Theresa…it's all that made him not kill himself or give in to their cruelty. You were the dream that kept him going. He thought of living out his days with you, your embrace, your smile…"

"I dreamt of that too," Lou said. "We can have it now. Why should I care if he limps? Why should I even care if he lost his leg? He's alive, Jimmy. That's all I care about."

"See, the thing is—and I want you to think really, really hard about things—he's not in the jungle anymore, Lou. He's in a nice, clean hospital now. He's safe and being fed and not in fear for his life anymore. He can see now that a dream is sometimes just that."

"I don't understand, Jimmy," she said sounding helpless. "I don't get what you're trying to say."

"Dreaming about running into your arms fades into reality when the fear is lifted and he sees that he'll never run anywhere ever again. He…he wanted me to tell you that…that you don't have to."

"Don't have to what?"

"Don't have to sign on for this," I replied. "He knows he went against your wishes in the first place and the result is that he's going to need more care. He didn't say so but I can tell you it's not just physical. He's likely to have nightmares and be distant. He said he's not the same and I'm telling you that the man we said goodbye to isn't the one who's coming home. Parts of him are dead. Parts aren't ever leaving that jungle and parts of him will be bringing that horror show home with him. He wanted you to know that you don't have to be saddled with this. He's giving you an out, Lou. No one will think anything of it if you take it."

"Jimmy," she began with a tone of warning. I waved her off.

"Lou, you've been raising those boys and your sister all alone all this time. That might not get better and you'll have another to take care of. At best he'll be temporarily depressed, at worst…well, it goes by a lot of names…battle fatigue, shellshock…it's not always temporary. He's going to be a lot of work and he…I don't even know what you're facing but between work and school and the kids…I won't lie that you'll be stretched to your limits. Really think about it. This ain't your high school sweetheart anymore. His problems can't be solved with practicing his free throws or studying harder for that test. This is real and his problems are more real than they've ever been. He's going to have ghosts and demons tailing him that make his parents look like teddy bears. Really look at what you'd be facing, Lou. You don't have to answer today. All he's asking is that if you can't or don't want to deal with this that you let him know before he comes back. And he wants to see the boys sometimes. He doesn't want to get in the way of you moving forward however you have to."

"Move forward?" she asked incredulously. "Without him? No, Jimmy. I can't move forward without him. I can't. I waited for him. I prayed every night. I don't want to move on without him. I don't want to. Not if he's alive. If I had to…I guess I would do what I had to do but I don't have to. I don't have to and I won't."

"I don't know what I'd do if I was you," I told her. "I think I know but I know I don't really. I'm grateful I don't have to make this choice. I just don't want you to make some choice now and stick to something that ain't right for you because you're so stubborn."

"I'm not stubborn," Lou asserted. I just stared at her and she had to chuckle a little. Then her features softened. "He's my husband, Jimmy. We don't get to pick what happens to the people we love…we just have to stick with them."

"I know," I told her. "I can't see me ever turning from Joanie for any reason. He asked me to talk to you. I can't…I have to do what he asks, Lou. You know that, right?"

"I know," she sighed. "But you have to know that I can't leave him. I can't turn my back on him."

I nodded. I think she thought more about it afterward and for that I'm glad but I also knew she wasn't likely to change her mind. It took a lot to change that mind once it was made up. I reached out my arms and she scooted closer so I could hug her.

"You need anything, you call, okay?"

She nodded against me but that wasn't good enough.

"I mean it," I said sternly. "There are no brownie points for playing the stoic, Lou. You need me or Joanie or anyone else for that matter and you speak up. You are not alone and there is so much…so much that you'll have to deal with. And I'm being selfish here too. I got kind of used to being needed, being important to you and the kids. And maybe I need the chance to help him too."

"I'll call," she whispered against me. "I promise."

I felt lighter and better about things after talking to Lou. I understand where Kid was coming from and everything I said was true but I had really hoped that she would want to stick it out, that it would be right for her to do so. I knew he would need help the likes of which I wouldn't be able to give him and I knew whatever mental or emotional stresses he came home with that they would be made worse by coming home to being alone.

Luckily things were pretty sedate at work right about then or I think I would have lost it completely. I had so much to deal with. Al was getting edgy since Rachel was getting closer to her due date. He didn't need me so much but Jesse did to help him deal with his cantankerous boss.

Poor kid. It's a wonder he didn't swear off women entirely like I did. Theresa was near venomous to him and Rachel's condition was making his work life hell too. I think Emma and Sarah Jean were the only females he wasn't upset with or who weren't making things harder on him.

Of course, he didn't have to worry about Theresa as much since they broke up. It was bound to happen after everything else that went down. I know he wanted to keep it together but Theresa just couldn't. I think she tried for his sake but she kept him at arm's length so much that he eventually went out with another girl. It's not like he was two-timing her or anything. They had decided to take a break. But when he took Peggy Sinclair to the movies one Saturday night, Theresa came unglued the next day at Emma's. She started ranting at him. I got her out of there and over to Al's. I knew the house was unlocked while he and Rachel were over for Sunday dinner and I knew if Theresa didn't get out of there that her sister was going to give her what for pretty quick and that wouldn't help at all.

"What?" she growled as she spun around to face me once we were inside Al's house.

"Don't even try to play innocent with me, Missy," I growled right back. "You didn't want him, remember? You weren't ready for what he was ready for. He was too serious, too intense for you. But no one else can have him? What gives? You know you're not being fair. He didn't ever know which end was up with you, Theresa. He's just a kid too."

"He could've talked to me," she whispered, her tears now beginning to flow in earnest. "He could have…"

"Honey, you didn't let him," I said gently. "This isn't even about him, is it?"

"Not only," she admitted.

"You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Something we talked about a little once and I think it might be time to talk about it again. You know Kid never wanted to leave you like that, right? It was only supposed to be a short time. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"But it was like this," she wailed. "He knew it could happen. He knew how dangerous this could be. He knew he could come home in a box even, Jimmy! He knew and he joined up and he went over there. He ditched us. He left me to take care of her. He left us to take care of the boys. He chose that."

I stayed silent. She wasn't done. Her big eyes lifted to mine and the hurt in them broke my heart, shattered it.

"Everyone leaves, Jimmy," she choked out, her voice raw with the pain. "Everyone leaves. Dad, Mom, Kid…Jesse…you will too someday. Everyone leaves."

"Where do you think I'm going to go?" I asked her.

"I don't know and neither do you yet but you won't always be there."

"Jesse didn't leave," I pointed out. "You shoved him away."

"He could've fought harder."

"You didn't even let him do that. You accused him of smothering you. You said he was pushing you too much. He never could please you after…well, just after."

"But he wasn't supposed to move on so easy, Jimmy."

"You're mad because he's not hurting as bad as you? I have news for you, little girl. He's hurting every bit as much. Peggy What's-Her-Face isn't anything to him. He likes her fine and he'll be a gentleman with her because that's how he knows to be but he wanted you. He always wanted you. From the moment he first laid eyes on you, you were the one. He knows he can't have you but you're still all he wants. He's hurting alright. It just looks different for guys."

"It looks stupid," she sulked.

"How you're acting doesn't make sense to him either. Men and women don't always understand each other. It's part of what makes this relationship thing so hard. Now can we talk about the other thing that's bothering you? He's coming home whether you're ready for it or not."

"Did you know that he told Lou she didn't have to stick with him?" Theresa asked me.

"Yeah…I was the one who delivered that message."

"She's an idiot for taking him back. He's trying to get away. They all try to get away…and Lou's just sucked right back in to those blue eyes."

"She's his wife."

"Oh yeah, like being married means so much. Go ask Mr. George McCloud how damned much marriage means," she snarled bitterly and then added, "If you can find him."

"I suppose you could ask Horace Cassidy the same thing," I noted. "Horace Cassidy, Senior, I mean."

"His father was a jerk," she sniffed. "What a ringing endorsement."

"Mine stuck around and beat the living tar out of me and my mom," I said taking her shoulders and forcing her to look at me. "His dad was mean and beat him before he left. Buck's dad might've been more violent than mine. We decided to be something different. All of us. And look at Emma."

"What about Emma?"

"She could have decided that all men were like Evan. She could have spent the rest of her days keeping people at arm's length because of how wounded she was. But she let Sam in. It's worked out pretty well for her."

"So far."

"Yeah, so far," I repeated. "That's all you get, kiddo. You get so far. You get today. This world we live in…well, we like to think it's more stable than it is. But don't you get me wrong, it will prove to you how tenuous it is when you least expect it. Things happen outside our control. It's not fair. I know it's not fair. Kid and me shouldn't've lived the lives we did growing up. Neither should Jesse. Neither should any of the kids I work with at school. Those things aren't fair. Joanie shouldn't be watching everyone else with their babies…she should have one of her own. Or at least a great big baby belly…that's not fair either. You think life is only unfair with you? You think you're the only one who's had to go without love or care at times? I try to be sympathetic, Theresa. I do. You're young. You haven't seen enough of the world to know that as crappy as you've had it, you've got it a lot better than others."

She just stood there with her jaw hanging open a minute and then put her defiant face back in place.

"Well, so much for asking if I could come live with you and Joanie when he gets back."

"I probably would've said no," I told her honestly. "Though we'll play that by ear. I'm going to ask one thing of you."

"What?" she asked petulantly.

"Give him a chance. Just…give him a chance. He feels terrible about how things went. We all know hindsight's 20/20. He knows what he had in earning your trust once and it's killing him that he's lost it. Just give him a real chance."

She glared at me then. I know I was asking a lot but I had to. He was my brother after all. I had to try to make things easier for him.

"I'll try," she finally said.

"That's all I ask."

I don't honestly know if I helped the situation or not. I know that even then I was aware that this whole thing was much more complex than a short conversation like that could fix. I knew there would be more work to do but if Theresa would do her part to at least try to give Kid a chance, I felt like maybe we could all be alright in time.

Things kept moving as they often do. I still was putting off talking to Joanie. I'm not dumb enough to truly think that if I ignored the problem that it would go away but I wasn't brave enough to broach the subject. She was so happy right then. She was talking about how soon Rachel would be a mother and how cute Billy, Jr. was and how soon she would join all the happy mothers and Kid would be home and maybe he and Lou would have more. She had babies on the brain and she wasn't looking at the heartbreak.

Oh, that's a lie. An ugly one too. She was seeing all the heartbreak. She was feeling all the hurt and disappointment and shame. I know she was. She was just shoving it aside and believing that next time it would work and that would magically wash away all the pain of losing the others. And I let her live in that delusion. That doesn't make me a very good social worker but I think in some ways it made me a decent husband at the time. Sometimes we need to be allowed to cling to those dreams. Even when the dreams are unrealistic, we still need them sometimes. It was helping her heal at any rate.

So I was working and she was working and things were dying down from the frantic pace they had been with everyone dealing with the riots. I was in my office one Friday afternoon when the phone rang. It was Uncle Eli. That kind of surprised me because he didn't call that often. We saw each other at Temple sometimes and other family get togethers but he rarely actually called me and never at my office. It was nice to hear from him. I always liked Uncle Eli and he and Joanie had such a special relationship. I valued that with him. I always felt like I could cut the crap with him and really talk about things. Not that we kept a lot of secrets or anything but sometimes he just seemed to understand her and even me better than Mr. Cohen did.

"James, I want to ask a favor from you," he said and it sounded like he was forcing his typical easy tone with me.

"Name it," I said wondering what I was getting myself into.

"I wondered if you would meet me for lunch tomorrow, Jacob and me, that is."

"Sure," I said and I know I sounded suspicious. Eli would pick up on something like that usually. It would be his cue to assuage my fears. But he didn't.

"One o'clock at the country club then?"

"Alright," I said before hanging up. I know I could have asked what this was about but something in his voice said that wasn't alright to do. I honestly think he would have lied to me and he didn't want to have to do that.

I think that—the thought that Eli Shapiro was considering lying to me to get me to come and meet with them—upset me more than the prospect of hauling my ass out to Bloomfield Hills without knowing what I was walking into.

Hmmm...wonder what Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli need to chat about...

And did anyone doubt how Lou would react to what Jimmy had to tell her. Oh but poor Theresa...I feel bad for her...and really for dear Jesse.

Well, all twenty or so of you that read this monstrosity still...hope you have enjoyed this installment. Let me know.-J