"There's got to be some way around it, Jimmy!"

Lou was fuming mad.

That day in mid-December of 1967 was the first time that I think I noticed that Lou was actually pretty damned cute when she was mad.

I know I talk about Lou like she was physically tiny but she really wasn't. She had a couple inches on Joanie and Judy at any rate. But something about her seemed small. Maybe it was just hanging out with a bunch of guys all the time. Comparison and all that.

Anyway, something about her when she was mad was like seeing a child throwing a tantrum. I mean a full on three alarm throwing themselves on the floor tantrum. I ain't saying Lou ever threw herself on the floor from being mad or anything like that. I ain't saying she didn't either. I wasn't with her all the time after all. But something about the clouds coming over her face, how her voice would get all high pitched…I don't know what exactly. It wouldn't have been cute on a three year old girl and yet it was adorable on Lou.

I think that day in the kitchen of the little house she'd managed to rent was the first time I wondered if Kid hadn't orchestrated most of their fights just to see her this cute.

That day I was sharing in her anger some. She'd just gotten word that only family was allowed to greet Kid when he got in. In other words, I couldn't be there. Apparently they'd tried to track down Kid's mom and found out she'd died. I can't imagine he was too broke up at hearing that. Of course, I remembered when my folks passed and I know feelings can surprise you.

Anyway, the welcoming party would be limited to Lou and the kids. Theresa could be there as his sister-in-law and a minor child in his and his wife's care. Al could not be there. Emma could not be there. But most of all, I could not be there.

I could not welcome my brother. I could not see him take those first steps back on US soil. I could not…I was not allowed. Legally and biologically I was nothing to him. Laws and biology don't always count for much where it's really important. But to the Army at that point, I guess they were all that mattered.

Lou wanted me there. She was terrified to handle the kids on her own with all the other emotions she'd be dealing with. She was scared to see him again.

I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be there for all of them. But I could not. We were a stubborn pair, but I knew that neither of us was a match for the Army when they dug their heels in. For the record, I even asked Joanie about it, if there was a legal route we could take. There wasn't.

I look back now and what I told her in that moment was the truth.

"Lou," I said. "I know how you feel. I do. I feel the same way. But maybe there's a blessing in here. It ain't my place to act as a go-between with you two. Your reunion should be yours. You're his wife after all."

"But you're his brother," she insisted. "If you had even one parent in common, they'd let you come. If Al or Emma had adopted you two…It's a stupid rule!"

"Lou…I know you're scared. I know you hate not knowing what you're walking into. But it's best he not be overwhelmed. You need this time to come together again. You do."

That was true. All of it. I know it now. On some level, I might have even known it then. But at the time it was something I was pulling out of my ass to make us both feel better. It didn't help much.

"I'll tell you what," I said squeezing her hand. "Joanie and I will take the boys that day. You and Theresa go and meet Kid. Just you girls. Theresa will be good back up for you and it's probably better the boys aren't in some crowded unfamiliar place when they see him. They don't really remember him too clear you know. Just pictures. It'll take some adjustment for them. You get your husband back and bring him home. Once you do that, Joanie and I will come over here with the boys and some supper. We can play some euchre even...if he's up to it. Nothing big expected of anyone. How's that sound?"

Lou nodded. It was the best we were going to get and we both knew it.

The day came and Joanie and I watched Bobby and Jack. They were excited and I know Joanie was tired. She was so tired all the time then. She had some cases at work that were wearing on her. I didn't always know the details and even when I did, I didn't always understand them. But I knew the gist and that was that they meant a lot to her.

I think she was trying extra hard to keep her chin up and not look like certain other things in our lives weren't wearing her down. She'd had enough of the questions about how she was doing after the last miscarriage. And she'd had enough of everyone else's babies when she didn't have one of her own.

It had hit a point where she wouldn't talk to me about it anymore either. Sometimes she couldn't help letting her guard down a little. It wasn't all the time but sometimes, she'd put her book down on the nightstand and turn off her bedside lamp and roll over and start crying. I know she tried to cry quiet so I wouldn't know. But I always knew. I'd scoot over to her and just hold her and pet her hair and kiss her head. She didn't want to talk and I didn't know what to say that I hadn't already said a thousand times over.

But that day we found ourselves chasing two little boys around. Thank goodness it snowed the night before so I could get them outside and have a little snowball fight with them. I'd say I let them win but two little boys as close in age as those two were…well, they were a force to be reckoned with. Individually they were just sweet, bright boys. Just two of them. But put them together and there might have been a dozen. Cooped up in a house, they were a dozen destructive monkeys. Outside they were just more than I could take. If I'd had reinforcements then maybe I could've taken them. I will only say this, they legitimately beat me and I didn't care at all.

But it was fun anyway. I admit to feeling a little pang that it wasn't my own sons I was throwing snowballs with. But I shoved that away. I'd been kind of like a father to them since their daddy came up missing. I held the place for him, nothing more. I did what he needed me to do. I'll admit it now that I did it for me as much as for him or them.

Once we was thoroughly frozen and tuckered out from playing in the snow, we came in to find Joanie had whipped up some matzo ball soup and hot cocoa to thaw us out. I think I even saw a real spark in her eye as she chastised us for getting all snowy and wet.

Once we were fed and warm and the boys were mellowed out in front of the TV with some coloring books and crayons, Joanie slid up to me while I was looking out the window at nothing in particular.

"It's okay to be scared," she whispered.

"I don't know if scared's really the word for it," I told her. "Nervous…excited…so many things, Joanie. I'm so happy he's home and so damned mad he was gone to begin with. I…I…well, maybe I am a little afraid too."

"Talk to me, James."

"What if…what if all of this changed something between us? What if I don't really know him anymore? What if I really did lose my brother over there?"

"Then you'll just have to find him again," she said matter-of-factly. "No matter the man who steps off that plane today, the same boy is still in there somewhere. You're not the same man anymore either but the part of you that needs him is still there. It will be the same for him."

"I love you Joanie."

She hugged me tighter and then looked up at me strangely.

"What else?" she asked.

"What if this is a dream?" I asked. "What if it's not real? What if it's like every other time I've dreamt of seeing him again and just as I reach for him the alarm rings?"

"I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself when you see him later."

Joanie and I set to cooking then so we'd be able to bring Kid and Lou a home cooked meal. Eventually the phone rang and the rest of the day was set in motion.

The boys were good in the car but I could tell they were getting fidgety. I pulled over part of the way to their house.

"Before we get there, do either of you have anything you need to ask?"

They just sort of stared at me. I'd done the best I could to acquaint them with their dad…the man that I knew. But I couldn't tell them anything of the man they'd be meeting that day. There were some things I could maybe prepare them for though.

"I know I told you about the guy I grew up with," I said. "He's a good man with a big heart. There's nothing he loves in this world as much as you two and your mom…and Theresa. But he's had a bad time. He's been hurt and stuck in a very scary place for a very long time. I know it might be hard but just remember that, if some days getting your dad back don't seem all you thought it might be."

We finished the drive and the door of the little house opened as I pulled in the driveway. A skinny man in loose fitting jeans and a far too big coat limped laboriously out onto the little porch. Joanie and I hung back and let the boys go ahead.

They ran almost up to the porch steps and then stopped and looked up at the man. I thought maybe they were getting scared or shy or something. Before I could move to interfere though, they each raised their right hands and saluted their father.

Even from the driveway I could see the emotions play across his face before he returned the gesture.

"Come on up here boys," Lou called shakily from the doorway. I hadn't even seen her there.

The boys climbed up the steps and stood uncertainly for a moment. Then Bobby stepped forward. He was the older and the leader of the two. He stuck his little hand out looking every bit the man he'd someday grow into.

The man I knew was Kid, even though he looked more like the images I'd seen of men liberated from the concentration camps, attempted to crouch down. I watched him grab tightly to the rail of the porch steps to help ease himself to sitting. In the end he sort of sagged to a sitting position next to where his eldest son stood. He reached one hand out and tentatively touched Bobby's face.

"Bobby," he mouthed. Then he pulled the boy into a tight hug and then reached over and grabbed little Jack up into the hug as well.

I think the boys were scared for just a moment but then they hugged him back. It's hard to call it missing someone when you scarcely remember them ever being there. But his absence was felt all the same. It carried weight and they felt it in the way their mom looked longingly at a picture on the wall. Or the way she'd just be so tired at the end of the day and have nowhere to take it. Or when their friends at school talked about their daddies and Bobby and Jack could only say their daddy was in the war.

I knew they were in for an adjustment of another sort now. They were used to his absence in ways that Lou and I never could be. Him being there was going to be a change for them. I figured it to be a good change but it would be a change all the same.

The boys started to squirm a little. The moment had its own power for them but they were still just little boys and little boys aren't the greatest at sitting still for any amount of time.

I heard Theresa call them into the house and I watched as Kid tried to stand without letting them go. His face contorted with the pain and the effort and in the end he couldn't manage it. Reluctantly released them. His shoulders sagged. It was a happy day overall but I knew there was more to this moment than the joy of seeing his boys again.

Joanie climbed the steps next and I saw her reach down to squeeze his shoulder. I can't even describe the look on Kid's face right then. He took her hand and between that and the porch railing, got himself to standing.

"It's good to see you, Joanie," he said softly.

He pulled her into a fierce hug. His face worked to deny the overwhelming emotions but his actions could not hide how desperately he needed to be back home...fully back home.

"I owe you. I'll never be able to thank you enough for…looking out for him." He nodded in my direction.

She just nodded and hugged him back a bit. Then she went into the house. His eyes darted to me and caught mine for just a moment. It hurt to look in them. There was so much pain and fear...anguish. That's the word for it. Anguish.

He tried to turn away from me and head toward the door but Lou or Theresa or someone had closed it. They had also taken the food from my arms without me even knowing it and they all had just disappeared.

It was just me and my brother on the porch on a cold December evening. I looked at him really good for the first time.

He was gaunt. There were circles under his eyes. From under a stocking cap, I could see his head was shaved…or had been. There was some hair growing back.

At first glance, I wouldn't have known him. But staring into those blue eyes of his…well, I knew that was my brother.

I didn't know what to do. I had often dreamt of what it would be like to see him again. To talk to him. I would embrace him…but every time I did, I would wake up. I was scared as hell. I can say that openly now and I could say it to Joanie that day but…I wouldn't've made sense to too many others at the time.

"Kid," I croaked.

I saw the tears start falling and felt his arms pull me tight to him. He was real. This was real.

"Jimmy," he whispered to me. No other words were needed between us right then. Few enough had been needed in the past but then…just knowing we were there together…it was enough.

I don't know how long we stood there just hugging each other. It brought back every time we'd clung to each other in the past. Every time one of our dads would go on a bender and we'd hide out together and know that no one else understood. I guess it was the same on the porch then too. No one else could completely understand what that moment meant to us.

I know eventually we made our way inside. He could walk under his own steam but I could tell it wasn't easy and it pained him plenty.

The women had supper on the table and we all sat down and ate. There's something about sharing a meal with people. Breaking bread can smooth over disagreements and heal wounds. It felt right to be all together with them again. It was good and whole. I can't put it another way. I don't care if the words don't sound like they make sense. It's the best I got.

We didn't talk about anything heavy. No talk of prisoner of war camps or injuries. We sure didn't talk about Noah or anything. We chatted about an upcoming school play that Theresa landed the lead in and how Bobby and Jack was doing in school. We talked a little about Billy but not a lot. We all knew where he was at the time and didn't want to think about it too much. But I had some pictures of the baby to show Kid. And we talked about little Joey too. It was nice.

Toward the end of dessert, I could see Kid getting antsy. He seemed to be breathing faster and couldn't get comfortable in his chair. Lou went to herd the boys into bed and Theresa and Joanie went to the kitchen to get the dishes washed. I clapped a hand on Kid's shoulder.

"Need some air?"

He nodded and we grabbed our coats and walked out on the porch.

"Sometimes it's like the walls are closing in, Jimmy."

"I've heard it's like that," I said. "I can't say I know what it's like but I've heard. I tried to learn a little about what you're going through. I'm here if you need to talk."

"That's the last thing I want to do," he growled. "It's the past. It's over. I'm here even if I shouldn't…"

That would be the closest he'd get to telling me anything for many years. I don't think it was healthy for him to bottle it. I tried to get him to talk and it became a point of contention between us. I ain't saying that we weren't still close but we never agreed on what was best for him as far as how to heal. I think that put a wedge between us for a lot of years. That one hurdle we couldn't cross...like a great big elephant always sitting between us that we tried to look around without mentioning he was there.

"So…Lou tried to tell me what's been going on…but…I don't think she hit on everything."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Noah?"

I sighed heavy and then launched into the story and how it played a part in taking Billy so far from us. That went into where Michael was and where Rosemary was too.

"I missed so much…"

"I know," I agreed. "A lot of it was bad though…not so you weren't really missing out on all that much…"

Kid laughed at that. I guess that was it right there. He was home and I didn't need to worry about us finding our place with each other again. Somehow we'd find a way to get moving on forward.

Eventually we made our way back inside and Lou broke out a deck of cards. We sat around the table and played euchre into the night. It was like old times. Almost. I should say it was almost like old times. Something was unsettled at that table. Nothing any of us could put our fingers on and nothing any of us wanted to acknowledge. But it was there all the same.

My mind went to something Joanie said after we found out Kid was missing. She told me how if I believed he was out there then he was and he wouldn't rest until he was home with us all once again. Someday, she said, we'd all be around a kitchen table again playing euchre and laughing about the stupid stuff Kid and I did when we were young. I'm not sure she even believed it herself at the time. I know she wanted to but I'm not sure she did. But she was right.

I reached over and took her hand under the table and gave a squeeze. Kid saw and grinned at me. There was hurt and jealousy in his eyes but there was also a spark of something...happy.

"I see some things never change."

I haven't forgotten about this one. This chapter has been more or less written for a few weeks now, I think. But...I needed to run it by a couple people first and one of them (looking at you, Ms. Alfie!) had her finger a little more on Kid's pulse than I did in the first draft. It took a bit for me to be able to work through her comments and suggestions.

This chapter was especially hard because of the build up...he's been gone for 3 yrs...2 of those in a prison camp. I knew he came home and anyone who has read Pilarcita's Healing Wall knows that too. But knowing he comes home when he's been gone for so long...and his absence was so deeply felt...I was intimidated by writing the emotions. I hope I have captured them accurately.

I am glad to have Kid home but it was not easy for soldiers returning from Vietnam. I know it's never easy for soldiers coming back from war. Parts of Kid will never leave that jungle or that prison camp.

I hope this...well, enjoyable probably isn't the word...I hope it felt true.-J