Author's Note: I don't often put the notes in front but it's been um...a loooong time since I've posted anything. I don't even know if anyone out there still cares about this story. I had just sort of lost my mojo for a while. And was under the weight of some pretty significant depression. Anyway, these two started yapping in my brain again recently so here's a new chapter. -J

"She's pretty as a daisy

But look out man, she's crazy."

– Poison Ivy, The Coasters (Jerry Lieber/Mike Stoller)

"James."

Joanie's voice brought me out of the fog of student files I had immersed myself in. It was a lazy sort of Saturday afternoon and I had decided to go over the files of my kids who were maybe a little easier to help. The ones I could link up with the right mentor or maybe a job and they'd do alright.

"The phone's for you."

I didn't know why her voice sounded so strange. I did get phone calls. Actually with the family, I was probably on the phone as much as a stereotypical teenager. I gave her a questioning look.

"It's a woman."

My brow sort of furrowed at that. Plenty of women called but they was all voices Joanie'd know.

"Hello?"

"Jimmy?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"It-its Sarah. Sarah Downs."

"You got some nerv-"

"I know Jimmy…please."

"I got nothing to say to you and you got nothing I want to hear!"

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah you oughta be. Got nothing better to do than dig open old wounds?"

"No. I mean yes I'm sorry for that but not just. I mean for everything. All of it. I know I can't fix anything. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'll never forgive myself."

I had about enough of her fake apologies.

"I moved on. Your sudden bout of guilt is nice but unnecessary," I spat at her. "I know the truth. Always did. So do the people who actually matter. I don't need or want your apologies."

"Jimmy It's not just guilt."

I doubted there was even any genuine guilt there.

"I need to see you."

"No."

"There are things I need to tell you."

"I said, no," I growled into the receiver.

"Jimmy, please, it's important."

"Took you nine years to want to talk. How important can it really be?"

"I just need to meet with you. I know it's a lot to ask."

"You have no idea how much."

"I won't take much of your time. We can meet somewhere public. Please."

Everything in me said to slam the phone down and forget she ever called. But then I guess some gut feeling or something told me I should agree to meet with her.

"Yeah. Sure."

I made the arrangements and hung up the phone to find Joanie's terrified eyes boring into me.

"Someone I used to know," I said as if that explained a damned thing or would get me out of the explanation that I knew had to come.

"James, I have never heard you use that tone with a woman," Joanie said, still looking scared and confused. "I've scarcely heard that venom from you toward anyone."

I sighed heavy.

"It's a long story. None too pretty either. I'm gonna grab a beer before I start in. Want one?"

Joanie just nodded.

A few minutes later, we were settled and facing each other cross-legged on the sofa and I began.

"I'd hoped I'd never have to tell this story," I began with yet another heavy sigh. "I'm not trying to keep secrets. It's just…I guess maybe I thought if I never talked about it, never said her name…never even thought about it, then maybe I could pretend it never happened."

I gotta say I was afraid I wasn't setting this up right and that I'd make Joanie more scared. An unfamiliar female voice and a story I hadn't told her could add up to a great big pile of worry for my girl. But I guess there was something in my expression, or maybe I found the right words, but she must've understood this was no threat to her because she just reached over and squeezed my hand. Seems like a small thing but I'm not sure I'd've found the strength to continue without her hand holding mine.

"Her name's Sarah Downs," I began. "Remember how I told you once I had sworn off of women?"

Joanie nodded.

"She's the reason."

"I always thought you were joking or, at least, exaggerating…but the way you spoke to her…you really meant it. She hurt you terribly, didn't she?"

I took a good long drink of my beer and looked away from Joanie's eyes. She looked like she might cry and I wasn't going to get through this if she fell apart on me. I closed my eyes and cleared my throat and went right to the beginning of the story.

"Yeah," I admitted. "By the end of this tale you'll understand why I swore off women and why I was such an ass when I drove you home the day we met. Hell, this'll probably answer even more questions for you too."

"You don't have to tell me."

"Yeah, I do."

I knew I did. For so many reasons, I did.

"It was early 1959 so it was basketball season for the high schools," I started. "You wouldn't think that would matter much to me but Kid played and it's not like his folks were gonna show up and cheer him on. So it was our ragtag little family that would be there for him. He was good too. Not like he was gonna go pro or anything but he was pretty good still. I was proud of him."

I realized I was digressing a bit. Sometimes a mind can get to wandering around in the past and more often even, the mind finds prettier roads to go down than the ones we need to be on. I cleared my throat again and took another drink of my beer. Joanie noticed it was getting near to gone.

"Do you need another, my love?"

I thought about it for a minute and shook my head.

"Probably better to switch to water."

She nodded and got up to get it for me and I sat there trying to figure out how to tell this story. I had accused Sarah on the phone of reopening old wounds but you can't reopen something that never really closed. I just hadn't let myself think of her or anything else about that time in so long that I could almost believe it never happened. And then, with just the mention of her name, there it all was again and it hurt just as bad as when it happened.

Joanie got back with a glass of water for me and I thanked her.

"So I was at a basketball game and fitting in about as well as a whore in church," I continued the story and I know that Joanie didn't really like when I used expressions like that but I didn't even realize I'd said it and she didn't call me on it. "Our school–well, the one I used to go to and the one the guys all graduated from–was playing against a school in Farmington Hills. After the game, I was out in the parking lot to meet up with Kid and the rest of our bunch and this cheerleader came up to me all flirty smiles and asking if I had plans for the rest of the night."

"Sarah Downs?"

I just nodded.

"So that was early January and we started seeing a good deal of each other. By February we'd gotten, uh, intimate and I found myself with a case of gonorrhea. I was plenty ticked off because, well, I thought we were steady. She swore that it had to have been from her ex and I bought it because I think I wanted to, you know?"

I dared look at Joanie and I could see her trying not to cry and she nodded to me. I think everyone has those times when you know you're being fed bullshit and told it's steak and you just lap it up because you want it to be steak so bad.

"Well, some penicillin and that cleared up just fine. Not saying I recommend it or anything but could've been worse I guess. Well, March came and I was diagnosed with chlamydia and I knew damned well that wasn't from her ex. Felt like I'd been punched in the gut to find out how she'd been lying to me all the while acting so sweet. I broke it off. I can't even say I was nice about it. Probably says a lot about me that I called her every name in the book and still don't feel a bit of guilt about it."

"I think it might say more about her," Joanie said softly. "I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I get why you were such a jerk to me."

I nodded and drank some of my water.

"If that had been the end of the story, I might have gotten over some of it," I continued.

Joanie's head shot up at that.

"There's more?" she asked. "She already cheated on you and gave you Venereal Diseases."

"It's not like she was the first girl to be catting around on me and sometimes I wasn't the best behaved. It surely wasn't the first time I'd ended up with VD. I was so much younger then and dumb as a stump like most kids that age. I'll admit I was pissed and hurt but I could've gotten over it," the words were true but sounded hollow all the same. "Everything seems like such a big deal at that age. I'm sure I convinced myself it was the end of the world or something but it's not like she was the great love of my life or anything."

I squeezed her hands. I felt like I needed to remind her who the great love of my life was and maybe remind myself that I had that love right there with me.

"I'm pretty sure I even knew that at the time. Plenty of times I wanted her to be. But I knew even then that at some point it would end. Didn't think it'd go quite like that though. I just figured it would fizzle out eventually like things do that aren't meant to be."

I half laughed at that.

"Your husband's an idiot."

Joanie just squeezed my hands a little harder. I know she'd've liked to have argued with me but she knew I needed to get the whole story out.

"Apparently Sarah got treated in February without her folks knowing about it but somehow in March they found out. Next thing I know, I'm being arrested for rape."

"James," Joanie gasped and I held up a hand. This was the hardest part to tell because it was the hardest to think about.

"Yeah, she came up with some story to her folks that she was just an innocent little virgin and I forced myself on her and gave her VD to boot. I've never been so scared in my life."

I had to pause for some water and to try to get my emotions under control. I was right about being over dramatic about the break up but this wasn't an exaggerated response. It was serious and the fear I felt was warranted.

"I wasn't quite 18 yet–couple months off–but a charge like that with my history that hadn't been expunged yet…you know as well as I do that I would have been charged as an adult and the penalty for a felony like that committed against a cheerleader from money when the rapist is a drop out with a record…I wouldn't've had anything left of my youth by the time I saw the light of day again."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Even with as bad as my folks treated me, I don't think I'd ever felt that disposable before Sarah.

"If it wasn't for Al and Emma, I'd probably be over in Jackson," I went on, fighting to keep my voice steady. It was a fight I was losing.

"They got me a decent lawyer," I explained. "I know public defenders try and some of 'em probably ain't terrible but most of the ones I got were too green, too overworked and probably too underpaid as well."

Looking at Joanie, I could see she understood. Hell, most of the reason that her dad's firm did so much pro bono work was because of how inexperienced, overworked and underpaid most public defenders were.

"Now, I didn't have anything the caliber of you or your dad but he at least listened to my side of the story. He found proof that she wasn't all that virtuous before we met and hired a private investigator who found out who else was being treated for VD at the same time she was–someone that wasn't me, that is. Anyway, the prosecutor decided not to move forward with the case because there was too much reasonable doubt and not really any hard evidence. So I got to go back to my life working for Al. That's when I swore off women and why I just can't find anything in me but contempt for that woman."

Well, I couldn't hold it together anymore and Joanie must've decided that falling apart was a right good idea too. We cried in each other's arms for long enough that I can't even tell you who was comforting who by the time we sat up.

"How did Al or Emma even trust me to be near you after that?"

"I guess there's just something about you, Joanie," I said. "You ain't like her and you couldn't ever be."

I could see Joanie turning things over in her head and just waited. I knew there would be questions. Asking questions was what she did for a living after all. She wanted to ask something really specific, I could tell, but she just couldn't get the words out. I had a pretty good idea what it was so I saved her the trouble of asking.

"No, I never pressured her," I said softly. "I know legally, that don't count as rape anyway but I didn't. Not with her. I had her on some sort of pedestal. I think any pushing I did got me to second base over the sweater. Anything we did beyond that was her idea and apparently one she had with a few other guys too. I'm no saint and I know I pressured girls before. I ain't proud of it but I'll own that. Not with her though."

Joanie's tears had started back up and I knew there were some questions coming that I probably didn't want to deal with.

"Is she pretty?"

Like that one right there. I knew where her mind was going because that's where it always went.

"Don't know," I said honestly. "Ain't seen her in nine years. Might be she looks like the back end of a mule by now. But back then…yeah, I guess she was. I thought so at the time at any rate. Looking back now though it seems like she always had a sour look on her face."

"Can I hate her?"

You need to understand that Joanie didn't toss that word around lightly. She might dislike someone or be angry at them but hate…that was just something she didn't do. But I understood–or thought I did anyway.

"I do," I answered honestly. "It's about all I can bring myself to feel about her. So if that's how you feel, it's fine by me."

Joanie nodded and was real quiet for a while before she said something more.

"She tried to take you from me," she said and her voice was so small and fragile it broke my heart. Just like that I had another reason to hate Sarah Downs. She made my Joanie cry.

"I-if you'd gone to prison we'd never have met, James. How could I have managed without you? How could I have gotten through finals or law school or anything else?"

The tears were falling pretty good by then–for both of us. I just pulled Joanie to me and leaned back against the arm of the sofa. I held her tight to my chest with her tears soaking my shirt and mine falling into her unruly curls.

"Shhh…it's alright," I tried to comfort her. She was right after all and I wouldn't be in any better shape without her than she would without me. "Honey, it's all okay now. The truth came out and I'm not in prison. I'm here where I belong…with you."

I don't think that helped much but I kept holding her tight to me and rubbing her back and kissing her head and saying anything I could think of to comfort her.

Eventually her tears slowed but she just kept clinging to me

Quiet settled in again while Joanie pondered. Then she spoke once more.

"It sounded like you agreed to meet with her."

I nodded.

"Probably not too bright of me but she said she had something important to tell me," I tried to explain. "I doubt it's anything I care too much about but well, the hurt hasn't gone away and maybe I can get some sort of closure if I meet up with her and let her say what she wants to say."

"Is it really safe to meet with her?" Joanie really sounded scared. "You know there's no statute of limitations on what she accused you of?"

I didn't know that before and it wasn't a very cheerful thought that I could have this hanging over my head forever. But I had to say something to try to comfort her a little.

"Well, we're meeting in a public place and I ain't going alone."

Joanie rested her chin on my chest and her brow wrinkled in confusion.

"You're coming with me. I told her I'd moved on and she might as well see that for herself and besides, I don't think I should be around her without someone who can advise me legally."

That got a glimmer of a smile from my girl.

"You know I can't actually represent you, conflict of interest and all," she said almost coyly.

"I just said 'advise'," I corrected her. "You can advise all you want and anyway, I don't think our interests are in conflict at all."

That got a good laugh from her.

"Especially right now," she said, squeezing me tight.

It was my turn to look confused.

"James, I'm pregnant again."

Well, maybe 3rd time's the charm? So...yeah...I don't know how it got to be 9 years since I updated. I can't even tell you all what's happened in that time. But I'll try.

I finished school. So I'm a paralegal. I got a job fairly quick but it didn't work out so a few more years of retail work. Then a job at a school that wasn't a very good fit and then the pandemic and just last year I finally got a full-time job in my field. I know a lot of the depression came from that...the not finding a job thing. That wasn't all of it though. I have a couple of medical conditions that cause problems with my body chemistry and that includes the chemicals in my brain...so a lot of time just disconnected from things. Anyway, we're getting some things on track and I've been feeling more...me. I decided to read through a few of my stories and Jimmy and Joanie started jabbering at me. Jimmy and Katie Darlin' did too but J&J were louder. I have the next few chapters mapped out through probably the end of 1968 so there won't be nearly the lag in updates.

Um...nothing really Detroit or Michigan centric that hasn't been explained before. We all know Sarah Downs is never good news for Jimmy. She's bringing a bucketful of complicated stuff with her.

So, my dear loves who used to be my constant readers, if any of you are still out there, let me know what you thought. -J