"I shared the guilt my mama knew

So afraid that others knew I had no name."

-Love Child - The Supremes (Deke Richards, Pamela Joan Sawyer, Frank Wilson, R. Dean Taylor)

I wish that either of us seemed happy about the news. Broke my heart she didn't act like she felt she could get excited about it. All I could think of was how much it would hurt her if this one didn't take.

I think she was also a little scared of what my reaction might be. I gave her a smile and held her close.

"You're upset, James."

"No," I said. "Worried, scared–not upset. Maybe even a little hopeful. I mean, the law of averages should go in our favor eventually."

That was one of those rare times when I said something right because she raised her head up and kissed me.

"Hickok," I said, pinning the phone receiver to my ear with my shoulder as I shuffled some papers around on my desk.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Kid?"

"Have you lost your mind?"

He was yelling but good and I admit I had no idea what he was talking about. I told him as much.

"You're the only man I know who can go to college for six years and come out dumber than you went in," he started, his voice a little quieter but no less angry. "Worst part is I had to find out from your wife. Meeting with Sarah? Did you hit your head or something?"

"Kid," I said, trying to calm him down. I wanted to be mad. Maybe mad that Joanie called him or maybe mad he was yelling at me. But he was there when Sarah tore her path of destruction through my life and besides, it felt good to have him yelling at me again.

"I need to do this."

"Yeah Joanie said some crap about closure or some nonsense."

"Yeah…it's something like that," I admitted. "I thought I was over all of what happened. Needless to say, I ain't."

Kid sighed. I know he was just about at the end of his rope with me. I needed to try to explain.

"Kid there was something in…her voice or…well, I…my gut just…"

"Your gut is the last thing you oughta be trusting where she's concerned," he chuckled.

He was starting to mellow a bit but I could still hear the worry in his voice.

Kid gave a heavy sigh.

"Come over to the garage after work? I think we need a family meeting."

Now a family meeting don't always mean the whole family really. It can but I didn't figure Kid meant dragging Buck or Ike into my mess. I was right too.

We hadn't had a family meeting in years…not since Sarah…well, it's probably clear why. Anyway, even without Buck or Ike and even with Billy still in Vietnam, it was a pretty good crowd. Our family had added a few folks in the years since the last meeting. Thankfully the folks we added were pretty smart.

After work I headed to the garage. Kid was just locking up when I got there. He offered a smile.

"Everyone's already at Emma's," he said, nodding in the direction of her house. I could see Joanie's car out front and Sherry's too. "I gotta admit there's comfort in the things that don't change."

I noticed he didn't have his crutches or even his cane.

"Feeling stronger," he said, noticing where I was looking.

He was still limping pretty bad but he wasn't wincing in pain like he had been. That made me smile.

"Might be wrong to say but I'm glad you're still an idiot," he told me. "Spent too much time the last couple years worrying for you and feeling guilty about abandoning you. We promised we'd always be there for each other…"

"I wasn't there for you either," I said.

"Yeah, you were," he argued. "Before we get to this meeting and your latest bout of stupidity, I need you to hear some things. All the time there…I never worried for Lou or the kids. I knew you'd care for what was most precious to me. If that's not being there for me then what the hell is?"

"When we were growing up, you never let me be alone. You were alone. I wasn't there."

"I could hear you. Sometimes you'd tell me not to worry 'cause you were holding down the fort and sometimes you just told me to stay strong…and…sometimes I swear I heard you praying. You were always there. I was never alone…not for a minute."

I could only nod as I clapped him on the shoulder. I didn't trust my voice right then. We walked over to Emma's together. He leaned extra hard on the rail to the porch but didn't need my help.

"Ready?" He asked with his hand on the doorknob.

I just shrugged. Is anyone ever really ready to have their dumbest moments and worst decisions be the center of discussion?

Inside I found Al, Rachel, Emma, Sam, Jesse, Lou, Sherry and Joanie. Joanie got to me first and threw her arms around me. I might've liked to have been angry that she'd called Kid about this but I understood. She knew I wouldn't listen to her concerns enough and I might if Kid voiced them. I don't think she was prepared for how much it would piss him off but that really only solidified for her that she had need to worry and needed help getting me to see it.

"Dinner is on the table," Emma said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "We can talk while we eat."

We all sat down with Sherry looking puzzled. Honestly I think she was just coming over for dinner and since she was one of the smart ones in the group, everyone had just decided it would be good to have her there. I could tell Sam and Rachel had been filled in. Looked like Jesse had too. I was glad Theresa wasn't there. I love that girl but her drama right then wasn't going to be helpful.

"You want to explain why you agreed to meet with that devil woman?" Lou asked once we all got sat down and started filling our plates. I was actually surprised she had held her tongue that long. She had been there too. She knew what Sarah had done. She knew what a stupid move it was to meet with her.

"I just feel like I have to," I said. "I wish I could explain it. I know it don't make a lick of sense. I know I should have just hung up on her. But I just feel like this is something I have to do."

"Jimmy," Kid began but I cut him off.

"Yeah, I know, my gut doesn't have a great track record here. I do know that. She said she has something to tell me and I know damn well that it's probably nothing I care about at all. I know somehow she thinks she can get her claws into me again and bat me around like a cat with a mouse. I know all that…but I still think I need to meet with her."

"You know you can't go alone, right son?" Al piped up.

"I know," I told him. "Joanie's coming with me. I figure her knowledge of the law might be helpful…and those rings on her finger too."

That was when Sam decided to get into the conversation. I could see that Jesse wanted to yell something and Emma was about to start crying so it was Sam that had to speak.

"I should go with you too," he said. "I had wondered how much good I could do as a witness if she decided to say something happened that didn't…with how things ended with DPD. But I just got this and I figure that I'm pretty respectable now."

With that he held up a U.S. Marshal's badge.

I couldn't help but be happy for him and for Emma. There were a lot of congratulations before the attention turned back to me.

"I'm meeting her in public," I said. "I don't think she could get away with much but I won't turn down any back up here either. Joanie said there's no statute of limitations on…well, you know. I didn't know that when I agreed to meet with her."

Something seemed to occur to Sherry about then. I don't know if she figured out what I had been accused of or if she was just running with what she had been able to gather from our conversation but she turned to Joanie.

"Could you get an affidavit or something? Like if she's acting all nice and apologetic then maybe you could get her to sign something that says she lied before or something…"

"Way ahead of you, Sher," Joanie said. "I'm even thinking of having a notary on hand just to be safe."

Logistics of the meeting were discussed a little more but, for however stupid they thought it was, they all jumped off of talking me out of meeting her.

Well, the day came to meet with her. We had agreed on a little coffee shop that usually wasn't that busy but still always had a few people there.

Joanie was next to me at the table while Sam and Kid were at another table keeping an eye on things. I heard the door ding, announcing a new arrival to the little shop. It was her. She didn't look like the backside of a mule as I had suggested but she did look a little worse for wear. She hadn't lived the same eight years I had, that's for sure. I saw Joanie looking at me for confirmation that it was her. I just nodded.

Sarah spotted us and came over. I stood to get the introductions made.

"Sarah, this is my wife, Joanie," I said. "Joanie, this is Sarah Downs."

Sarah smiled at Joanie. It was not returned. I motioned for Sarah to sit. She looked around and spotted Kid.

"I see he's still mad at me," she said.

"Yeah, I don't think you'll find any of my friends who isn't."

"God, I'm sorry," she said and tears sprang to her eyes. I wish I could've believed those tears but I didn't.

"You said that on the phone," I reminded her. "If that's all you had to say then why are we here?"

"I needed you to know that you don't have to fear the charges anymore," she said. "You haven't had to fear for a while but I wanted you to know that."

I looked over at Joanie. This was her department after all.

"Exactly what does that mean?" Joanie asked. "Legally speaking, I mean."

"Joanie's an attorney," I clarified.

"I officially dropped the charges and recanted my accusations," Sarah answered. "I lied. I know he told you that. Heck, you probably knew it was all lies before he even told you it was. He's too good of a guy to do what I said."

Joanie's lips thinned and she just nodded.

"Then you wouldn't mind signing this affidavit stating that your accusations were in error."

Sarah shook her head and Joanie grabbed the notary she had brought with her who had been sitting at the table right next to us to witness Sarah's signature.

"Are we done then?" I asked.

"No," she said quietly. "I just needed you to know that first. I still have something to tell you. It's important but I couldn't have that hanging over our heads when I told you. I know you hate me and I won't ask for your forgiveness. What I did was unforgivable. But what I have to tell you needs as clean a page as we can get. I have to go to my car for a minute. I'll be right back."

Sarah scurried out. I looked over at Joanie and her brow was furrowed as she clung to the newly signed affidavit as if for dear life.

"It's okay, honey," I assured her. "Just a little bit more and then we go home and we don't have to think of her again."

Oh, if I only knew what a lie I was feeding my girl at that time. Of course, I didn't know it was a lie.

I looked up when Sarah walked back in. There was a child with her, a little boy.

"Jimmy," Sarah said hesitantly. "I'd like you to meet Dean."

I heard Joanie gasp and I looked at the kid. I could say all kinds of things about how promiscuous she was or anything else but that was my own face looking back at me. I knew it and Joanie did too. Her hand was gripping mine so tight under the table I thought she might break my fingers.

"Dean, this is your father, James Hickok."

My right hand was free from Joanie's grip and I offered it to the boy. He shook my hand and didn't look like he knew what to say. I don't think he had any more of an idea what was going to happen at this meeting than I did. I felt bad for him. I didn't really know what to say either. Six years of college to learn how to handle situations like this and I had no idea what to do to make it easier on this boy.

"I know we have some things to talk about," Sarah said, bringing me out of the fog I found myself in. "Do you think Kid would mind keeping an eye on Dean for a little bit? Or whoever your other friend there is?"

"That's Sam, Emma's husband, he's a U.S. Marshal. I think Dean would be safe with them."

I stood up and went over to the table where Kid and Sam were sitting waiting for an explanation. I had Dean's hand in mine. I was trying not to think of what was happening. I needed to keep my mind clear dealing with Sarah but–I had a son!

"Guys, this is Dean. The grown ups need to talk a bit so I thought maybe you two could keep an eye on him for a minute."

I think Kid wanted to say something about how this was another trick but then he saw Dean's eyes.

"Damn," was all he could muster at that point.

I pulled a couple bucks out of my wallet and handed it to…to my son.

"This here's Sam Cain," I started. "He's a pretty special kind of cop. He's a Marshal."

"Like Marshal Dillon?" it was the first time he'd spoken and his eyes were lit up like Christmas morning.

"Kind of," I told him. "And this is my oldest and best friend…more like a brother really. His name's Kid. Now how about you go on over to the counter and get yourself a donut and a chocolate milk and then sit with Sam and Kid while your mom and I talk for a bit?"

Dean nodded with a smile. I tousled his hair before heading back to the table where I could hear Joanie's lawyer voice.

"What exactly is it you want from him?"

Sarah started to say something about how the boy should know his father. I just let Joanie keep her lawyer cap on and deal with things.

"Yes, a child should know his or her father," Joanie began. "And Dean should have known James years ago. You waited eight years for this meeting. I ask again, what do you want from him?"

Sarah turned her big eyes to me.

"Daddy disowned me," she said, beginning to tear up. "I just can't make ends meet anymore. I need help taking care of him."

I was starting to cave in to her but Joanie was every bit the lawyer looking out for my interests.

"You want child support," she said without emotion. "My husband will require visitation, a chance to know his child, a say in his upbringing."

Sarah nodded. I don't know if she had planned to make any concessions to me or not but she didn't know walking in that I'd married an attorney.

Joanie jotted some numbers and proposed arrangements on a napkin and slid it across the table to Sarah who read it and just nodded.

"I'll have one of the partners draw up the papers," Joanie said with finality. "We'll meet at the firm sometime this week for both of you to sign."

Sarah and I both just nodded dumbly at her. I stood and didn't really know what to do. I looked over at the table where Dean was happily munching a donut with a chocolate milk mustache on his smiling face. I knew it was time to say goodbye for the day but I didn't want to. That was when Sarah did the most unexpected thing yet.

"Jimmy," she began. "It's Saturday. He doesn't have school tomorrow. Maybe you'd like to take him home and bring him back to me tomorrow after dinner at Emma's. You do still have Sunday dinner with Emma, right?"

I nodded.

"Dean, honey," Sarah said, crouching down next to his chair. "We thought maybe you'd like to spend the night at your Dad's tonight. How does that sound?"

"Okay," he said and it wasn't all that convincing but then he'd just had his long lost dad sprung on him and he was being sent off with basically strangers.

It was about then I thought to look at Joanie. I should have asked her what she thought about the sleepover. Her eyes looked conflicted but her hand was on Dean's shoulder. It was okay with her.

I said my goodbyes to Kid and Sam and knew I'd see them both again the next day for dinner. We got into the car and something dawned on me.

"Dean," I said and saw his head shoot up at me. "No one introduced you to this lady, did they?"

He shook his head.

"She's…well, I guess she's your step-mom. Her name's Joanie. I know this is scary and sudden. I wish I'd had more warning of what was going to happen today too. But I have to say that if something's going to come at me from out of nowhere, you're a pretty good surprise."

"I guess your gut was right this time, Jimmy," Emma said while I was reaching to get that platter down. I made the introductions when we got in the door. Bobby grabbed hold of Dean and just like that they was best of friends. Bobby was only a little over a year younger than Dean. Then Bobby introduced Dean to Timmy and set to teaching him to sign. It was the most relaxed I had seen Dean since we left the coffee shop the day before. It was good to see, I'll tell you.

"Yeah," I said. "I know she had visions of taking advantage and it's a good thing I brought my lawyer with me but…if I missed out on knowing him…"

Emma just hugged me. Then she stepped back and wiped her eyes.

"How's Joanie doing?"

"Well, I can see she's conflicted," I said honestly. "She hasn't said much yet but I can see it in her. This isn't how things was supposed to go for us."

I sat down on the stool in the kitchen before continuing.

"I think it helps a little that she's pregnant again so she feels like…maybe she's not such a failure or something…you know how her mind works."

Emma nodded.

"I can tell she likes him–heck, I think she loves him even. But I can see the hurt in her too and the guilt at that. I think she's afraid that telling me her feelings will sound like she doesn't want him or doesn't want me to have him. I know we have to have a big talk tonight after we take him back to his mom's. It won't be one of our happier ones either."

I think Emma was relieved that I was paying that much attention to Joanie. I know I didn't always–not like I should and it would come to bite me in the ass eventually but I'll get to that in time. The important thing right then was that I had to make sure that she was going to be okay with having a step-son and all that went with it.

My plan was to drop Dean off and go home and maybe crack a couple of beers or a tub of ice cream and then get into what I knew we needed to talk about. But as soon as he was inside with Sarah, Joanie spoke.

"I miss him already."

Yeah...you had to know Sarah was bringing some sort of trouble with her. But then not all bad either. He has a son. I would say probably a cute kid too. I've seen pictures of Josh Brolin as a child. Adorable. But oh the fallout there could be for Joanie. Yikes.

So, there does seem to still be interest in this story. Lots of traffic and that made me happy. I also see a couple of other stories updated after I posted the new chapter which was really cool to see as well. I will have to check out those stories.

It feels good to be back and writing again. So good.

So, my dear constant readers, I will bid you a fond 'til next time. -J