"Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life, I love you more." - In My Life - The Beatles (John Lennon & Paul McCartney)

"You know we have to talk about all of this, right?"

Joanie just looked away from me and out the window her nod was barely perceptible.

"It's up to you if we do this here and now or if we go home and get comfortable first," I told her. "I can see how conflicted you are. Hell, I am too if I'm being honest. If it wasn't February in Michigan, I'd suggest the roof of the garage. I have the new key."

"Home," she replied.

"Your wish is my command, beautiful."

Yeah, I did have to say that. I knew she was comparing herself to Sarah and in her own eyes she was probably coming up lacking. I needed to make sure she knew that in my eyes she was the one–the only one. No comparison.

It worked too because she slid across the seat and hugged my arm and rested her head on my shoulder. For all the uncertainty I felt about the abrupt changes in my life, I felt strong and sure with her hugging my arm. By myself I might not be up to the challenge but with Joanie beside me, I could not fail.

"What do you want me to say, James?"

We were sitting on the couch facing each other. I knew she didn't want to admit to her more complicated feelings. I knew she worried how they might make me feel or make me think she didn't like Dean or something. She didn't want to look like some monster. So I knew what I had to do.

"Nothing unless it's the truth," I told her. "But maybe you're a little afraid of some of that truth. Maybe what I'll think of you or even what you'll think of yourself if you say it out loud."

I paused and drank some of my beer.

"So I figure I ought to go first."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a few seconds to try to sort where to start.

"I feel like I been put in a blender. I don't know which end is up. I wanted kids but I kinda figured they might start as babies or, at least I might meet them when they still was."

Another sip of beer and I could go on.

"I know you're working on one there that I can start at the beginning with. But then I think that Jesse isn't any less Sam's son for coming to him when he did. I don't know him too well yet but Dean seems like a good kid."

I dared look in Joanie's eyes and I think she was surprised that I wasn't just going on and on about how great fatherhood is or how proud I was of my son. Those were the obvious feelings and, for that moment anyway, went without saying. It was the less obvious stuff that needed talking out.

"I wish his mom was someone else…damn near anyone else. I know it would be bad for him to hear me ever say what I really think of that woman. And I feel like Sarah's got something up her sleeve still. I can't relax where she's concerned."

I just shook my head.

"I love him though," I assured her. "I used to fear becoming my folks–that I wouldn't know what to do and with no other example, I'd default to violence. I'm sure there'll be times when he'll try my patience and even make me angry. But I love him and I could never hurt him. I ain't sure keeping him last night was the right thing for him though. Funny how the worries about what the right thing is hit just as soon as the kid walks into your life. I wanted him here and I think you did but I don't think he knew he was meeting his dad yesterday any more than I knew I'd be meeting my son."

I drained the rest of my beer.

"It was nice having him here though," I continued. "I liked being able to tuck him in. Might need to head to the library to get something to read to him at bed time though. All I could think of for a story last night was stories about me and Kid. Worked okay but he'll eventually tire of stories about his old man."

"No, he won't."

She spoke softly but it startled me all the same. I just looked at her.

"He won't ever tire of knowing more about you," she explained. "I can never know enough about my dad and I had him all my life. You were a mystery to Dean. He didn't know where he came from or whose face he wore. Tell him all the stories of you and Al and the others. It'll be like finding hidden treasure for him."

I nodded but I was pondering on that heavily. My folks never told me stories about their childhoods or their parents. I think I truly believed until that moment that they had sprung fully formed from the earth drunk and mean.

Joanie stood and I looked at her questioning where she was going.

"I have to pee," she answered. "Can you grab me another beer?"

Again, I just nodded. Even though we weren't talking about Dean right then, I felt like the floor was hers and it wasn't my place to say anything.

We got settled back on the couch and I could see Joanie's eyes were rimmed in red. She might really have needed to pee but she was also crying where I couldn't see her. I wanted to say something about that but, like I said, the floor wasn't mine. I just set the beer down on the coffee table where she could reach it.

"Thank you, my love," she said quietly. She never was one to use too many terms of endearment to me but that was the one she would use if she was going to use any and it did my heart good to know she wanted to say that. I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose like I had deliberately called her beautiful in the car. Sometimes you just have to make sure people know certain things before you start talking. Keeps misunderstandings at bay.

"First, I need you to know that I love Dean," she began after taking a hefty drink of her beer. "I think I did immediately when I saw your eyes staring at me from what must've been your face at that age. He's yours and he's part of you and I loved him because I love you."

She paused, taking a deep breath.

"I still don't know him well–we haven't had that much time together but he's such a sweet boy and I know I'm beginning to love him for who he is and not who he came from. I do love him and I am so happy that you have him…that we have him."

She took another big drink of her beer.

"But, and you knew there was a but, didn't you?"

I nodded and put a hand on her leg, squeezing it lightly, letting her know that whatever came after that "but" was okay and I wouldn't be upset with her feelings.

"There's so much to sort out from this. I think the feeling I keep coming back to is jealousy. It's not very becoming and it has nothing to do with the fact you slept with her. I don't care about that. She is pretty though. I don't think you see it in her anymore because you see deeper but she is pretty. No, I'm jealous because she had your child. I'm jealous that for all this time she has had that beautiful child to care for. Maybe it's silly since I'm pregnant with your child–and I have you so I guess if we're competing, I win–but I feel what I feel."

Joanie paused but I knew she wasn't done yet.

"I don't know how I feel about being a stepmother. The Brothers Grimm weren't very complimentary of them, you know."

She offered a weak smile.

"I don't know what the role is. I don't know what he should call me. I mean, he can call you Dad. He doesn't already have one of those. But he does already have a mother and no matter what I think of her, that is her place in his life. I don't want to overstep but I don't want to be cold to him either."

Another sip of beer and another deep breath.

"And then I get mad," she continued. "Not at you or him. At her. If she had told you sooner, I would have known I would be a stepmother coming into this marriage. It wouldn't have changed my wanting to marry you but I could have worked into the role or thought about it. I hate that she kept him from you and I'm angry she sprung him on us…and us on him. You're right, I think, he didn't know what he was walking into any more than we did. She's really a piece of work, isn't she?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "I know she thought she was going to catch me off guard and I don't know what she thought she'd accomplish but she wasn't expecting Joan Hickok, Attorney-at-law. You were perfect, by the way. I wouldn't have known what to do, that's for sure."

Joanie laughed, "I thought she might faint dead away when you told her I was a lawyer."

Joanie got real serious then.

"I'm sorry I just took over," she said. "I was so shocked so I just went into the mode where I'm most confident. And she'd taken advantage of you before–I couldn't let that happen again. I know it probably didn't make you feel very manly to have your wife jump in like that."

"Joanie, I am so grateful you took over. At least one of us kept their wits about them. No matter what you're feeling, it seems, you always keep my best interests at heart."

We both jumped when the phone rang. I got up and answered it.

"Dad?"

"Hey buddy, is everything alright?" Yeah that's the other thing that starts the moment a kid enters your life–thinking of all the bad things that could happen to them.

"Uh-huh. I just wanted to tell you goodnight."

"Okay. You sleep tight, now."

"And tell Joanie I said goodnight to her too," he added. "She's real nice–not like Cinderella's stepmom."

I couldn't help but chuckle.

"I will," I promised. "And Dean…I love you."

"I love you too, Dad. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, son."

I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes and I'm sure the dumbest smile on my face.

"Is everything alright, James?" Joanie asked. She had gone to clear the empty bottles to the kitchen and hadn't heard who I'd been talking to.

"I–uh–yeah, things are good," I said. "That was Dean just wanting to say goodnight. He said to tell you goodnight too…and that you're nice and nothing like the stepmoms in fairy stories."

"There's something else."

"I–I felt I had to…it was something I always needed from my dad…I know why he couldn't give it but I could–I can and–I tol–I told Dean that I–I love him. He said he loves me too. I don't think I knew that it would hit me this hard."

Joanie didn't say anything. She didn't have to. Her eyes were shining and she wrapped her arms around me and just held me tight. Our concerns were out in the open even if they weren't entirely resolved but in that moment all that mattered was that we loved that boy and knew somehow that would guide us to do right by him.

The next day I was sitting in my office starting to think about running out and picking up something for lunch when a knock on the wall next to my office door got my attention. I looked up to see Judy standing there. I knew after the tumultuous weekend that I would probably have to have this conversation. It was easy enough to not tell her about my sordid past when Sarah was just some girl I used to know but things had changed.

"Hey Short Stuff," I greeted her. "I was just thinking about some lunch, care to join me?"

"Sure Jimmy."

We got ourselves settled at a little deli near the school and I just looked at her. I knew she had things to say and to ask and if I just let her, she'd get the ball rolling herself. There was no need for the pretense of asking about her classes or anything like that.

"When do I get to meet my nephew?"

"Honestly, Jude," I said. "I don't know. We've got to get some papers signed this week and I think that will spell out custody arrangements. As of right now, I don't even know when I get to see him next."

I fished out my wallet and opened it.

"I did get one of his school pictures though," I said, showing her. "He's a pretty cute kid if you get past the fact that he looks just like me."

"He's eight, you said?"

I nodded.

"Turned eight in December, so just a couple months ago," I sighed. "I missed so much already. But I guess I'll just have to wait for the one Joanie's carrying to get here to get that stuff–all the baby firsts like walking and talking…"

"You're sounding more optimistic about the baby than she is," Judy remarked.

"I know. It's hard to keep getting our hopes up but, like I told her, law of averages says that we gotta get some good luck at some point."

"You don't sound like even you believe that."

"I do," I said, though I probably didn't sound all that convincing. "It's just so hard seeing her so devastated. Though maybe Dean being around will take the pressure off of her that she seems to feel to give this to me. I know he can't stop her from wanting things for herself but she stopped talking about being a failure to me. Not that I ever felt she was."

"I know, Jimmy. I know that's all just stuff she puts in her own head. I know she loves him as fiercely as she'll love her own when it comes."

I nodded. Then a thought occurred to me.

"When did she call you with the news?"

"This morning when she got to the office," Judy replied. "I think she wanted to tell me before Daddy because…well, that wasn't going to be a comfortable conversation. Just so you know, she really hates your ex."

"She ain't alone in that. She fill you in on the whole story?"

"I think so," she said. "Let's see the final tally would be two cases of VD, one felony rape charge and an absolutely adorable eight-year-old child. Did she leave anything out?"

I shook my head.

"That pretty much covers it. You don't like her very much either, do you?"

"Nope," she said, laughing. "I don't know how you picked up on that. I was trying so hard to hide it."

I had to laugh too. She was a sarcastic little brat and always had been.

"Do you still hate her?"

That question took some thought to answer and even then the answer wasn't great.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I mean everything that happened eight years ago–I think there's some hate, anger, resentment…I don't even know but something that's always going to hang on. But then she brought that boy into the world and I feel like I gotta find some tender or, at least, positive feelings for her. And then I think of all I missed in these last eight years and I get angry all over again."

Judy reached across the table and squeezed my hand.

"Well," I said, clearing my throat and forcing my mind to switch gears. "I better be getting back to the office. My kids don't usually get up to too much mischief this early in the week but I have to be there just in case."

Judy gave me a big hug before we left the deli and she headed to her car.

I got back to the office and Florence handed me my messages. I didn't often have many of those. When the parents of the kids you work with don't much care if their kids live or die, they ain't apt to call the social worker that often. I paused at Florence's desk and looked at the little pink slips of paper. Yeah, they weren't from parents of students. They were from my in-laws.

Florence looked to be keeping herself busy looking over something she had just typed. I know she wanted to ask me what the crisis was but she didn't want to be rude or prying.

"It's nothing terrible, Florence," I assured her. "Got some surprising news over the weekend and I think Joanie let her family in on it today. Well, I know she did because I just had lunch with my sister-in-law."

"So it's good news, Jim?"

"I found out someone I was involved with–well before Joanie–was keeping a pretty big secret from me–a son."

I got out my wallet to show her the picture.

"He's adorable," she said. "Are you okay?"

"It's weird but I think I'm almost getting used to it. Joanie's taking it like a champ but something tells me at least one of those messages is from someone who won't believe me when I tell them that and they already don't believe her."

Florence patted my arm and gave it a squeeze.

"Thanks Florence."

With that I headed into my office to return the calls and hear once again how badly Mr. Cohen and Uncle Eli thought I was failing my wife.

I called Uncle Eli first mostly because I think I felt on a little better footing with him. I probably wasn't but I don't know it felt that way sometimes.

"James," he said and I was confused because he sounded light and almost happy. I hadn't heard such a tone in his voice since before Aaron died. Not that I blamed him for being down. I understood his pain. I knew he'd come to some sort of terms with it in time though he'd probably never fully heal. But the loss was still fresh and his pain still new and sharp. But still he sounded…not sad.

"Uncle Eli, you sound good," I told him.

"I hear congratulations are in order."

"I thought you might be upset with me," I admitted. "One more strain on Joanie–one more time of me not taking care of her like you think I ought…"

"I was shocked at first as I'm sure you were as well."

He paused, giving me a chance to admit that "shocked" didn't begin to cover seeing my face looking at me from that little boy.

"We've gotten past the shock here, Jacob and I," he continued. "Joanie loves this child, she is happy. You love this child and you are happy. We will love this child and be happy as well."

I didn't rightly know how to respond and I was plenty sure I wouldn't be able to talk around the lump in my throat anyway. Luckily Uncle Eli had more to say.

"Come to the office when you are done with work for the day. We need to talk about custody arrangements and support payments and perhaps we can toast this happy news with the good scotch."

Hello again. I am so on a roll with this. Though it took a lot for Joanie to talk to me. I reminded her that I'm a stepmom too. It's not an easy gig but it's a rewarding one. If I didn't know everything that is to come-I'd be almost giddy. Those who know me know that my stories never lack for drama...or trauma...it's just not how I'm made. I know what Sarah is and not even all of the drama coming up will be her fault.

I have a friend who always insisted that whatever she felt about the events taking place in my stories that they were never boring. I'd like to think that's still true.

Anyway...Oh! Crap! I even did the research and then almost forgot to mention. Yes I know Joanie is pregnant and yes she consumed 2 bottles of Stroh's during their talk. The study linking alcohol to birth defects and other pregnancy problems wasn't published until 1973 and even though doctors knew that some drugs were harmful during pregnancy (thalidomide anyone?), they didn't seem to consider alcohol much of a drug at that time and seems like unless a woman was a full-blown alcoholic, they really didn't consider it harmful. Honestly, a couple beers every now and then isn't likely to be harmful. But...Joanie is not being irresponsible to have a couple drinks to get through an emotional and challenging conversation.

So...I was kind of surprised how Uncle Eli took the news. But then I thought about it and it wasn't really all that surprising. He's a big picture kind of guy and it's not like this is Jimmy's fault. I mean, I don't know if there was a contraceptive failure or what to allow the pregnancy but it's not like he went into the marriage hiding this kid. He honestly didn't know he had a child and his not knowing was entirely Sarah's fault.

Well, that's enough babbling out of me. I love you all and you don't have to be shy about any comments you might have about this story. I'm a lot thicker skinned than I used to be. So really, feel free to review or PM me with your thoughts or whatever. Until next time, Kisses - J