"If you're going to San Francisco

Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair" - Scott McKenzie (John Phillips)

I guess I don't have to tell you that all of that news destroyed Joanie. I think she was fine enough at work because she could just tune everything else out and her work was something she felt good about. I think she was starting to feel like it didn't matter though. Like why bother helping the people she was trying to help when it meant nothing and all that hate was still out there.

She'd go to work and be basically fine all day. I say basically because, according to Uncle Eli and Mr. Cohen, she wasn't really fine. She did her job better than most but there was nothing else to her but the work. She wouldn't so much as smile all day or even greet them when she got to the office. Uncle Eli tried to hug her and she dodged it.

At home, she'd cry and sometimes I could hold her for a bit and then she would push away from me and go off by herself. I talked to her, I yelled at her–nothing helped. She wouldn't talk about anything.

Her only light seemed to come from Dean. She adored that boy and I could see he really loved her too. She'd ask him about school and his friends and he'd open up to her like he didn't to everyone.

To me, well, she was distant. I could see her deep inside but she wouldn't come to me. I think it was as bad as Kid being missing. I knew she was there but she was so far from me and I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see her again.

I understood all the reasons she retreated like she did. We started the year with Aaron's death and, aside from Dean, things sort of took a nosedive from there. Another baby lost, MLK, RFK, her best friend's husband was still giving nightly reports from a war zone on the other side of the planet. It was too much for one person to bear and she wouldn't share any of the burden.

Adding to her worries was Sarah. Everytime I had to pick Dean up or drop him off, she'd get all clingy to me and even though Joanie knew I didn't want any part of that woman, I know it bothered her. And I was limited to how much I could do against her. I'm not even talking about trying to physically go against her, which I wouldn't do and that wasn't some noble no hitting girls thing either, I didn't want to lose my kid. But I even had to temper how I spoke to her. No child ever should hear his parents fighting. I got enough of that when I was a kid and I wasn't going to subject Dean to it. I kept it civil for him and really only for him.

Though Dean was seeing things clearer than I probably wanted him too and it was tearing him up. I could tell. He loved Joanie and knew things were hard for her then and she was real sad. He didn't want us splitting up but then for so long it had just been him and his mom and he was really protective of her as well. All the more reason to keep a civil tone really.

One day, I guess it was a week or so after Bobby Kennedy was killed, I went over to pick Dean up from his mom's. I hated having to do that without Joanie but she had taken the day off and was getting some rest and I felt she probably needed it. School was out so I kind of got Dean whenever Sarah needed to pick up more shifts or whatever. Dean said she went out a lot but really, what she did in her personal life wasn't any of my business as long as the boy was alright.

Anyway, Dean and I got home and the first thing I noticed was Joanie's car wasn't in the driveway. Which was very strange. She usually didn't go anywhere but work and Emma's on Sunday and Temple on Saturday. Judy tried to get her to go shopping or something and Sherry tried to get her to come over and just spend time–but none of it worked.

But we walked in and she was gone. There was a half eaten piece of toast on the kitchen table and a spilled glass of orange juice on the counter. And there was a wadded up piece of paper next to the trash bin. I opened it and it was test results from her doctor's office. Positive pregnancy test results. My blood ran cold right then. I knew this was bad. Dean was right there and he knew something wasn't right but I couldn't scare him.

"Where's Mamaleh?"

"I'm not entirely sure," I admitted. I didn't want to scare him but I also didn't want to outright lie to him. I threw the toast away and cleaned up the spilled juice. Then I turned to Dean.

"Say, how would you like to go over to Emma's?" I asked him. "I think Bobby and Jack are probably either at her place or at the garage with their dad."

Dean seemed to think that was a pretty decent idea so I jotted a note to Joanie and stuck it to the fridge–just in case she all of a sudden decided to go spend time with her sister or something.

Once I got to Emma's, I got Dean settled, Bobby and Jack were out in the backyard playing so that was pretty easy. Then I set to calling people. I called Judy first and she was home and hadn't heard anything from her sister. She was worried though. I asked her to call her mom and Aunt Naomi for me and promised I would call her again in a little while to see what we'd figured out.

About this time, Emma was starting to figure out that something was wrong. I laid it out as quickly as I could and told her I had to call Sherry. Emma said she was going next door to use Al & Rachel's phone. I just nodded at her as Sherry's phone rang. She finally picked up and I could hear the baby in the background. Pretty sure he was teething.

"Hey Sher."

"Oh hey, Jimmy," she said, sounding grateful to have someone to talk to for a minute.

"Sounds like Junior's a little upset about something."

"He's cutting two teeth at the same time," she told me. "Running a fever to boot–so what's up?"

"You haven't by any chance seen my wife today, have you?"

"I didn't even know, myself, I was taking today off until I got up this morning–the baby wasn't this bad off last night. What's going on?"

I explained as best I could and I could hear Sherry starting to cry on the other end of the line.

"I'll find her," I promised and hoped it was a promise I could keep. "She probably just decided to do some shopping or get her hair done or something."

We both knew that wasn't it though. She'd never have left a mess in the kitchen like that.

About the time I was hanging up with Sherry, Emma came in with Rachel following along behind and Al bringing up the rear with Joey in his arms.

"We called Annie, Carol and Theresa," Emma said. "No sign of her and I think all we accomplished was worrying even more people."

Apparently once Emma got to Rachel's and explained, Rachel went to the garage to use the phone there. I was surprised they caught Theresa at home. She was pretty busy that summer. I know she was in some play and working part time and getting ready to go to Interlochen again. But she was there and Lou was at work and neither of them had seen Joanie. I told them that Sherry hadn't either.

"I'm calling Sam," Emma said resolutely. I might have said something against it but with him working for the Marshals now, it didn't seem like a half bad idea.

She made the call and just like that Sam was on his way–all he had to do was explain that a family member was missing and he was allowed to make that his priority for the day. To be honest, he could have if he was still with DPD. It's one of the benefits of having a relative in law enforcement, family comes first.

I called Judy back and filled her in. She decided she should be there too and I couldn't disagree with her. About then Annie and Carol came in with their respective broods and then Sherry. I shouldn't have been surprised. It's the way our family was. And it was good too because all the kids sort of kept themselves entertained so it was easier on all of us.

Al closed the shop early and pretty soon Kid and Jesse wandered in.

"How're you doing?" Kid asked and I honestly didn't know how to answer. I was still in some sort of panic mode. He just pulled me into a hug and somehow it calmed me down. Like maybe things weren't so desperate.

Sam came in and went straight to me.

"Any idea where she might have gone?" he asked.

I just shook my head.

"Do I have your permission to search your house?"

I just looked blankly at him.

"Permission?" I asked.

"Legally I need your permission, unless you think she was kidnapped–then it's a crime scene."

"I'm pretty sure she just took off," I told him. "I think the test results were the last straw. You got my permission."

I handed him my keys.

"You think you'll find anything?" I asked.

He crouched down next to the chair where I was sitting.

"I'm going to give you a quick rundown of what's going on right now and I will keep you apprised every step of the way until we find her–and we will find her," he said. "There's already a BOLO out on her car and they're specifically checking the train station, the bus station and the airport. We're going to go through your house and see if there's anything else that might clue us in on where she's gone. See if she packed a bag or made any notes anywhere. We will find her."

Sitting there that day, I understood Lou's response to finding out Kid was missing. Sam called and said my instincts were probably right and she wasn't kidnapped. I didn't figure she had been but I was glad he let me know anyway. Of course, knowing her state of depression, her going off alone wasn't any great comfort either. It had only been six months earlier that we had buried Aaron. I knew she could already be gone from me and it might just be a matter of finding her body.

There was a point where I shared that fear with Kid. I didn't want to say it too loud and I didn't want anyone else hearing me lose hope like that but…I just had to tell someone and he would understand.

"I won't say I have a good feeling because when she's found, you're still going to have to deal with everything that drove her away," he said. "But I don't believe she's dead either. I just can't see her taking her own life like that and surely not running away to do it. I know you're scared. I would be too but it doesn't add up to suicide."

Sometime in the afternoon, Sam came back and went right to me. Judy was close and Kid too.

"We found her car, Jimmy," Sam said and somehow I caught some relief in his tone.

"Where is she? Is she okay?"

Sam took a deep breath and began speaking.

"First, I guess you should know that she's not trying to cover her tracks. Either she's so separated from reality that it doesn't occur to her that anyone might look for her or somewhere inside her, she wants to be found. I can't make a guess as to which that would be but it's surely making our job easier."

He paused and looked at me to make sure I understood. I think I did. I nodded anyway so that he would continue and tell me where my sweet girl was.

"Her car's in long term parking at Metro," he began. "So, the first obvious step after that was to see if she took a flight anywhere."

"And?" I asked even though I think he was only pausing for a breath.

"She's in San Francisco."

"California?"

He nodded.

I heard the boys coming in from playing outside and Dean came over to me.

"Is Mamaleh home yet?" he asked.

"No, uh…she's not," I started, not even sure what I was going to tell him. How exactly do you phrase 'she had a nervous breakdown and ran all the way to California' in a way that won't freak out an eight year-old?

But, like he always did, Kid had my back.

"Joanie decided to take a spur of the moment vacation," he said. "She's in San Francisco. But she's not feeling well right now and she needs your dad to come help her. You can come stay with me and Lou and the boys for a bit. You don't mind that, do you?"

"Is she sick?" Dean asked. He wanted to be excited to spend time with his friends but he was worried too. I fielded this one.

"Not sick, really," I told him. "She just found out she's having a baby and sometimes women don't feel too good at first. I'm just going to fly out there and get her feeling a little better and then bring her home. Okay?"

He nodded and I got up to get going and turned around to find Judy right behind me. She just gave me a look that said I was crazy if I thought I was going alone. Actually, I had thought I'd be alone but I was pretty glad that I had some back up. There was no way to know what I'd find once I got there.

Sam walked out with us and stopped me before I got too far.

"There's a marshal out there I worked with a few weeks back on a prisoner transfer," he said. "Don Warner. He'll be meeting your plane so once you get your tickets, give a call here and let me know which flight you're on. His guys are already looking for her. I was able to send a picture to them. They're canvassing now. Hopefully there will be a break before you even touch down."

I shook his hand and Judy and I set off to the airport.

The flight was long but at least I was too worried about Joanie to be scared of the plane crashing.

Judy spent most of the time crying and I just held her. The flight attendant asked a couple of times if she was alright and I assured her she'd be fine. I did get her a couple of drinks though. She was of legal drinking age and I needed something to calm her down.

After her second drink, she stopped crying and just clung to me.

"I failed her," she whispered.

"No more than I did," I said. "Though I'm not sure what else we could have done. She was too far away in herself to reach. I actually thought about having her committed. It seemed too extreme…but maybe it wasn't."

We finally landed in San Francisco and sought out Marshal Warner. We didn't actually have baggage or anything. We looked around and saw an official looking man with a badge clipped to his lapel holding a sign that said Hickok and figured that was our guy.

"Marshal Warner?" I asked as we approached him.

He stuck out his hand.

"Don," he said. "You're Mr. Hickok."

"Jimmy," I told him. "This is my sister-in-law Judy Cohen."

He shook her hand as well.

"We've got SFPD and marshals canvassing with her picture everywhere we can think of," he began while ushering us toward his car. "We at least had a general area once we questioned all the usual taxi drivers. We found the one who drove her to Haight-Ashbury. Your wife into the hippie scene?"

"Not actively but I guess kind of," I replied.

He looked at me as we piled into his car.

"What I mean is that she's an attorney and she does a fair amount of civil rights work and part of what was pushing her to the edge was the assassinations and the riots and…" my voice trailed off.

He nodded.

"Do you know what her mental state is going to be like when we find her?"

I shook my head but then thought I should clarify a little.

"She's in the midst of a nervous breakdown," I said. They don't call them that anymore, by the way. They're called major depressive episodes. Unless they've changed the name again. Honestly nervous breakdown isn't really the best descriptor and it is usually a depressive episode. "But, I guess you probably know that can look a lot of ways."

He nodded. I continued.

"She's been not herself for a bit now. Lots of stuff piled on her all at once."

I filled him in on everything since finding out about Aaron all the way to finding out she was pregnant again. Don shook his head sympathetically.

"I don't know if we're looking at a manic state or if she'll just be despondent."

"Have you dealt with a nervous breakdown before?" he asked.

"Not with her," I told him. "I can usually head it off before it gets quite that bad. She gets panic attacks though. Once it was bad enough she blacked out and did some harm to herself."

"She what?" yelled Judy from the back seat.

"Yeah, scratched her arms up pretty bad and gave herself a bloody nose," I told her. "I'm less of an idiot dealing with her now."

Judy was fighting tears but I knew I had more to tell Marshal Warner.

"I've dealt with the breakdowns with a couple of my students," I said. "I'm a social worker at a high school in Detroit. A lot of my kids have things pretty rough."

He seemed to ponder this for a moment before speaking again.

"Do you feel comfortable talking her down once we find her?"

"I'd like to be the one to try if that's possible," I said. "If I can't, do you have someone who can step in? I haven't had the best of luck getting through to her lately. If I can't, a stranger might be better."

He nodded.

"I'm trained for it," he told me. "I'll back you up if you need it. But I know if it was my wife I'd want to be the one to try first too."

It got quiet in the car for a bit aside from Judy sniffling. Don looked like he was gearing up to ask something he didn't want to have to.

"Ask what you have to," I said. "Sam explained that suspicion falls on the husband and that you gotta study the subject or victim or whatever we call her in this situation. Whatever you have to ask to help you find my wife, ask it."

"Any marital problems?" he asked finally.

"No one's having any affairs but it's been difficult with all of the turmoil," I said honestly. "She loves my kid but dealing with the ex is not easy and I know it leaves her feeling conflicted. We aren't fighting or looking outside of the marriage but we've been…not as close for a while now."

He just nodded.

"Has she ever done drugs?"

"She has some mild tranquilizers she takes when the stress gets too much for her," I said. "I know when she gets them filled so I know how often she takes them. It's not often. Other than that, she has a beer occasionally after work and sometimes if we go out, a rum & coke. I don't think anything else unless Short Stuff here knows something I don't."

I looked back at her not thinking that she'd have anything to add.

"After the riots," she said tentatively. I think she was afraid to say anything. "The caseload was so big and there weren't enough lawyers at the firm–especially with Noah…"

Yeah, she didn't want to tell me this at all.

"You have to tell," I told her. "I'm not mad at her or you. I'm just scared. If you're worried about betraying her confidence, I think once we can get her home and alright again, she'd be grateful that you might've helped."

"Speed," Judy said at last. "She took speed for a while to get through it all."

I reached back and squeezed her hand.

"Any other questions for us, Don?"

He shook his head. I think he was a little surprised that we were so forthcoming. I don't care what he needed to know. I just needed my Joanie back.

Don pulled up to a hotel so we could check in.

"We use this one when we've got agents traveling for the job," he explained. "This way I know where you are when we get another lead. I can get you two rooms."

Judy shook her head and I deferred to her. I surely wasn't going to be sleeping or anything. My plan was to stay just as long as I needed to find my girl and get on the first plane to Detroit after that. I think that was how Judy was thinking too.

We got up to the room and there were two beds anyway but, like I said, I didn't figure we'd be sleeping much.

Judy just plopped down on one of the beds and buried her face in her hands and cried. I sat next to her and just held her as tight as I could. I'm pretty sure I cried too.

"We'll find her, Jude," I said. "We'll find her and bring her home."

"You really believe that?"

"I have to–I couldn't make it if we don't."

We sat quite a while and just talked. Mostly about Joanie. Not the fact that she was missing, mind you. Just sharing stories of her. Ones I hadn't heard of her growing up and I shared things Judy didn't know either. It was like we had to give the other extra pieces in case these memories were all we had. It was the middle of the night when we got into the city and, aside from a general neighborhood, no one knew where my sweet girl was. We didn't want to utter such a thing but we both knew there was a chance that there weren't going to be any more memories made.

I guess it was maybe 7 or 8 in the morning when the phone rang and Don was on the other end of the line telling us to come down and meet him. We ran down to the lobby and into his car and just stared at him. There had to be news if he was there.

"We know where she is," he said. "It's kind of a, well, I would call it a flop house but it's really just a derelict building that a bunch of hippies have been squatting in. We have absolutely no reason to think there's anyone dangerous in there. No weapons. It's a very 'make love, not war' crowd. I'll be behind you but a suit wearing guy with a badge and a gun isn't going to go over well. You two go in and see if you can get through to her and get her out. At least to talk."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. I wasn't getting her out just for a chat. We were going home–together.

"She's a grown woman," he replied. "She can legally run away if she wants to. Obviously we need to talk to her first to make sure she isn't still in a mental health crisis."

I wanted to respond but I thought about it. Maybe she ran away on purpose. Maybe for all the time she spent recently being so fractured, she finally had clarity and she didn't want me anymore.

We pulled up to the building and I got out wondering if I was doing the right thing. Judy squeezed my hand.

"Whatever's going on in her head, we need to know. We need to talk to her."

I nodded and we went into the building. Honestly, it looked like the building should just be pushed over and it probably wouldn't even take that much force to do it. We wandered around the first floor and she wasn't there but we heard voices from upstairs so we climbed the warped and slanted steps to the second floor.

The voices we heard were obviously engaged in some sort of sexual activities. I pushed open the door to the room the noises were coming from–it wasn't even latched. I froze at what I saw inside.

There was a bed and over the edge of it hung some guy's head. His eyes were rolled back in pleasure. Astride his knees was my Joanie, her mouth working over him. There was another guy behind her and his mouth, his hands were on her. I could feel my stomach lurch. I opened my mouth but no words would come out.

"Joanie!" Judy screamed and ran out and back down the stairs.

Joanie sat up then and looked around. She sort of skittered away from the two men looking frightened and confused.

"James?" she squeaked at me.

I was feeling about a million things at once but the feeling that overrode the rest was that Joanie needed me. I looked around and found the sundress I guess she'd been wearing and helped her into it. Then I picked her up and carried her down those horrid stairs to where Don was waiting in the car.

"I need to make a phone call," I told him. He nodded to a pay phone half a block down.

"Keep an eye on her," I said as I sat her gently in the back seat.

I headed toward the phone but was intercepted by Judy.

"Why are you taking care of her? You saw. I know you saw."

"Yeah," I admitted. "I saw. I saw someone completely dissociated from reality. She needs me."

"Jimmy…" her voice trailed off knowing there wasn't really any argument that was going to change my mind.

"It's complicated, for sure," I told her. "But I gotta make sure she's safe, at least. Even if I didn't love her–which I do–Dean adores her and she's carrying my child."

Judy shook her head.

"Look Short Stuff, I know you have to figure this out for yourself. I do too but there's a crisis right now and I need to handle it. If you can help, I'd be grateful but if you can't, I understand. If it's the second one though, just get on a plane and I'll see you back in Michigan."

Tears were welling in her eyes as she nodded and then she hailed a cab and headed for the airport.

I got to the phone and quickly called Uncle Ira's office. It occurred to me after I found her that I should probably find out if anything could've hurt the baby. I know I wasn't getting my hopes up but if she needed to be checked out, then I needed to see to that before putting her on a plane.

"Joanie's probably just fine," he assured me. "But it can't hurt to have someone look at her. I have a friend who works in San Francisco. He's an OB-GYN–one of the best."

Uncle Ira gave me the info and I got to the car and relayed it to Don who drove us to the man's office. Uncle Ira had called and they were expecting us so I carried her right in.

Joanie wasn't doing a lot but crying. I explained things to the doctor as best I could. He gave her an examination and said everything looked alright for right then but he wanted to talk about something else. I got kind of nervous then.

"She had three miscarriages?" he asked, confirming what I had told him and I guess what Uncle Ira had told him too. I nodded.

"And all after the three month mark?"

I nodded again.

"I think I know what's wrong," he said. "It's a condition called incompetent cervix."

I looked at him weird. I took biology in college and I knew what a cervix was but I wasn't getting it.

"Her cervix isn't staying as it should to hold the baby in," he explained.

"So she can't carry a baby?" I asked.

He smiled and it was a good smile. The kind of smile that said he liked being the bearer of good news.

"On the contrary," he said. "There's a very simple procedure I can do called a Cervical Cerclage. I will place a stitch or two in the cervix to hold it closed. Once she gets to 38 weeks or so, her doctor at home will remove the stitch and labor will just happen when it happens."

"You mean we're really going to have a baby this time?"

"Yes, Mr. Hickok," he laughed. "You are really going to have a baby."

I signed all the papers and he did the procedure. We stayed an extra night to let Joanie recover. It was a minor procedure but she was still in a little bit of pain for that night.

"My love," she said once we were settled in the hotel room. "I'm so sorry."

Her tears renewed.

"I know," I told her. And I did but there was more that was going to have to get hashed out. It wasn't the right time though. "Don't worry about that right now. Just get some rest."

So...this has been coming for a while and it will have some huge fallout. I don't want to divulge how this plays out but I really feel for all of the characters right now. Judy has to be so disillusioned and Jimmy...well, he shouldn't have had to see what he saw. And Joanie...poor broken Joanie. But...she won't miscarry this baby! So that's good.

On a personal note, my anxiety is through the roof these days. Lots of reasons and none of them as potentially doomy as J& J here. But it doesn't take much when you already have an anxiety disorder. I need a vacation. Like a real, go somewhere else kind of vacation. Maybe the hubs and I will find a weekend to get away from everything for a couple days.

Anywho, what's going through everyone's mind here? Are we picking sides? Are we heartbroken for all involved? How do you think this moves forward? Until next time, my lovelies. -J