"Believe me, believe me, I can't help but love you
But believe me, I'll never tie you down." - You Don't Have to Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield (Donaggio/Napier-Bell/Wickham/Pallavicini)

The next morning we went to the airport and got on the first flight home. Once we were in the air, Joanie spoke.

"So you seem calmer than the last time we flew somewhere," she said. I was grateful she wasn't trying to address everything we needed to talk about right then and there.

"I guess it's like the Mackinac Bridge," I said. "I got used to it."

We were quiet a bit.

"What all happened at that doctor's office? I was kind of out of it. Did I lose it?"

I took her hand in mine and explained her condition and the procedure.

"You don't ever have to lose another one," I told her.

She didn't say anything for a while but I could hear her sniffling. I squeezed her hands tighter. When she spoke again, it was barely a whisper.

"I don't want to have a big conversation right now," she said. "But I have to make sure you know that I love you and this baby–and I have to ask if you still love me."

I put an arm around her shoulders.

"I got a lot of things going on in me right now," I said softly. "Most of them are better dealt with back home. But I still love you."

"You said once that as long as we loved each other that things were worth fighting for. I hope you still believe that."

I leaned over and kissed the side of her head.

"I do."

"Daddy!"

We had just gotten into the terminal at Metro and I heard my boy yell out to me. Damn that was a good feeling.

He ran right into my arms and hugged me tight. Then he looked up at Joanie.

"Mamaleh, are you feeling better?"

She bent down and hugged him.

"I am bubbeleh, thank you."

I looked up to see Kid and Lou smiling at me. The smile I offered wasn't the brightest. Kid picked up on it.

"Is she not okay?" he asked quietly.

"I'm not okay," I told him.

He knew we'd talk later and I knew we could let that drop for now.

"So how was Dean for you guys?"

"Good as gold," Lou answered. "He's a good influence on my hellions."

As we walked toward the parking lots, I leaned to Kid.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but my car is here and so is Joanie's," I reminded him. "We didn't really need picking up."

"Dean was really worried about Joanie and we thought maybe she shouldn't drive," he explained. "Figured if Dean saw Joanie then he'd feel better and if Lou drove or at least rode with Joanie we'd all feel better."

I put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. I think I still wasn't used to having him back with us. He always knew what I needed before I did.

"So what happened out there?" he asked before we got too near to where we were parked.

I filled him in quickly.

"Damn," was all he said.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"What do you need from me?" he asked.

"A friend," I told him. "A real friend like you've always been for me. Remind me when I'm stupid, lend strength when I don't have any left. And, since I won't ask you to keep secrets from her, when you tell your wife, remind her that I begged her not to say 'I told you so' if things went really bad."

"I wasn't going to tell her," he said.

"She's already figured out something ain't right. I don't need to cause that kind of friction in your marriage. Got enough of that in my own. It was Joanie who made me swear to never keep secrets and she's got a bushel basket of them she was hiding from me."

"Can you work it out?" he asked. "Do you want to?"

"It's going to depend on her," I told him. "I love her and I think I can get past what I saw but…"

He patted me on the back.

"I'm here if you need me."

I just nodded at him.

We got back home and Joanie went to lie down. Dean went with her and just read to her for a bit. I don't think it was sleep she needed so much as just rest.

Right about then it hit me that I hadn't slept hardly at all in somewhere close to three days. I was just about to settle myself on the couch when the phone rang. It was Sarah wanting me to bring Dean home that night. I told her I'd bring him back after dinner and then settled for that nap.

It was a little difficult to fall asleep with the thoughts running around in my head but I was dead tired so somehow I managed it.

I woke up to Dean curled up next to me on the couch. I squeezed him tight and then looked at my watch to see it was near dinner time. I decided to just run out for some pizza since I didn't even want to think about cooking. I took Dean with me and Joanie was up by the time we got back. I think she had even managed a shower. She looked good actually. Secrets will weigh you down and they take a physical toll as well. Getting hers out in the open was a relief, I think. It was good to see. I didn't lie when I said I still loved her.

After we ate our pizza, we walked over to the ice cream shop on the corner and got some ice cream. It was a nice evening and Joanie and I held hands while we walked.

"So Dean," I began. "Do you want a little brother or little sister?"

"A brother would be really neat," he said between licks of his ice cream cone. "But if I got a sister like Lisa, that'd be pretty cool too."

He was smiling and bounding ahead of us but I had seen the shadow cross his features. Something about the baby was weighing on him.

I decided to try to address whatever was bugging the boy in the car on the way home. He needed to know that his feelings–good and bad–were safe with me.

"Something about the baby has you upset," I said and he looked at me like he was scared. "Maybe you're scared this one will die too even though I explained what happened before and told you the doctor in San Francisco made it so this one will be alright."

I looked over at him and could tell that wasn't behind his fears so I continued.

"Maybe you're scared about the changes the little one will bring. Maybe you worry that we won't love you as much."

I spared a glance at him. That was the problem alright.

"There will be changes," I admitted. "I won't lie to you. Babies take a lot of attention because they can't actually do anything for themselves so at first it might seem like you're being pushed a little to the side. I'm going to ask a favor of you though."

He looked at me a little funny.

"If you start feeling neglected or like I'm forgetting about you, let me know. We'll find something for just the two of us–even if it's just eating Coco Puffs while we watch Spider-Man. I could never stop loving you."

"Mom says that you'll love this baby more because it's Joanie's baby," he said softly. "She says if it's a boy you won't need me anymore because you'll have a son with Joanie and you'll love it more and I won't be special."

I was going to have to work extra hard to keep a civil tongue in my head when dropping him off with Sarah.

"You just spent a couple days with Bobby and Jack," I said. "Does Uncle Kid or Aunt Lou love one more than the other?"

Dean shook his head.

"Al pretty near raised me and the other guys," I went on. "Does it look like he stopped loving any of us when Joey was born?"

He shook his head again.

"A person's heart can hold love for so many people. It's not limited in any way. You will always be special because you made me a dad and I will always love you because you are my child."

I patted his leg as I pulled up in front of Sarah's building.

"Feeling better?" I asked.

He wrapped his arms around me and nodded against me.

I looked up and Sarah was standing outside the front door of the building. I thankfully wasn't going to have to talk to her.

I dreaded going home. There was so much piled up between Joanie and I. I just didn't know where to start and I was still so tired I wasn't sure I had the energy or patience for figuring any of it out.

I got home and Joanie was sitting on the front porch with a book. She smiled as I pulled into the driveway. She followed me into the house.

"I know we need to talk," she said as I was pouring myself a glass of iced tea.

"We do," I conceded. "I need to go first and I'm not sure it needs to go past what I need to say tonight."

I sighed and headed out to the deck and sat down in a lawn chair there.

"I don't need an explanation," I said. "I know you weren't even in control of your mind or your actions. If you'd killed someone they couldn't convict you because you didn't have an understanding of right and wrong. I know this. I know you're sorry and you feel bad about what I walked in on. It wasn't your fault but I need you to remember that I went out there terrified you were in danger and when I finally found you, you were having sex with two complete strangers."

She just sat there crying. I felt like a bit of a heel making her cry but I had a right to my feelings too and she needed to hear them. Holding things back got us where we were and it wasn't a place I wanted to stay.

"I can know and understand things but it doesn't stop it from hurting," I continued. "Right now I'm hurt and I'm mad. Not just at you either. I let things get this bad. I did."

"I shut you out," she said through her tears.

"Yes, you did," I growled. "You made me promise there'd be no secrets between us. I don't have any from you. I don't, Joanie. You've been keeping all kinds of them though, haven't you?"

She nodded.

"I'm so sorry, James. I–I"

"At least you're finally getting sorry about the right things," I said.

"It's not over, is it?"

"It doesn't have to be," I told her. "It's not all on me though. This, what we have, isn't a marriage. It's not a partnership. It's you trying to fly solo and us paying the price when you can't do it all alone."

"I'm just so sorry."

"Stop it!" I yelled at her. "Stop saying you're sorry. I know that. It's not enough. It's just words."

I got up and started pacing.

"I been trying to figure why you won't open up to me, why you won't let me help you and all I can come up with is that you don't trust me. I know I've made mistakes and I know I've let you down but you have to stop hiding things if you really believe this is worth saving," I kept my voice level but it was a struggle. "I shouldn't have but I let this slide with Stan. That's when you started hiding things from me. Maybe that should've told me something right there. We weren't even officially engaged and you couldn't be straight with me. I think I thought those rings would magically change things–but you don't trust me any more than you did then, do you?"

Her mouth was moving like she wanted to speak but nothing came out so I just plowed ahead.

"Your words have always been so nice. I'm a great guy. I deserve love. Just when I finally start believing it, I find out you don't. I don't think you ever really did. I think you wanted to. You just couldn't make that jump, could you?"

"I do believe it," she cried. "I do. And I do trust you."

I shook my head.

"I can't keep on like this, Joanie," I said honestly. "I'm 100% responsible for your mental state and I have to do it with one hand tied behind my back. You hide and you lie and I'm left with guessing games that have some damned high stakes if I'm wrong. I do love you but I can't keep this up. It hurts too much."

"What can I do, James?" she asked. "Please, my love, tell me what I can do!"

"I don't know exactly," I said heading toward the door back into the house. "You're going to have to figure that out on your own. As for me, I'm going to bed. Aside from a little nap on the couch this afternoon, I haven't slept in days. I can't think anymore. I'd appreciate it if you'd sleep in one of the spare rooms tonight."

Her tears came even harder at that.

"I just need to be alone," I said a little more tenderly. "I'd think you would understand."

She looked up at me like I'd struck her. I wasn't asking anything she didn't ask of me after I'd kissed Rosemary.

"Tomorrow I'll probably take off on the bike for a little while," I said as I made my way into the house. "Maybe you can go talk to Sherry. I wouldn't recommend talking to Judy. Not without calling first anyway. But go talk to your friend. And really think. Are you saying you want to save this because you love me or because you don't want the embarrassment of a divorce? I won't fight at all if that's what you want but I will fight for shared custody of the baby."

She just stared at me.

"Goodnight Joanie," I said and then, well, it just felt right to walk over and kiss her. It was a quick and simple kiss but it felt good. I didn't lie about a single thing. If she wanted out, I'd let her go. It's not what I wanted but it would be better than how things were. I couldn't keep walking on eggshells and second guessing everything I said or didn't say. Especially not once the baby came. I was angry that night and I was hurt. I was drinking tea for a reason. I didn't want to know the man I might turn into when I was that mad if I drank alcohol. I couldn't have a baby born into that anger–that danger. I'd rather it come into a divorce where we could be civil. But, damn, I did not want a divorce.

The next day I woke up somewhere around noon. I think I turned in around 10 and slept clear through. I needed it though. I felt a little better for the sleep.

I wandered through the house and Joanie wasn't there. She left a note on the fridge saying she'd be at Sherry's. I was glad. Partly I was glad not to have to face her and partly, I knew Sherry would be good for her.

I was throwing together a sandwich when the phone rang. It was Judy.

"Hey Short Stuff," I said. "What's up?"

"Will you talk to me now?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm sorry about before. I know you were upset and you needed to work through things and I just didn't have it in me to be there for you. I am sorry."

"I know," she said softly and I think there was a little hitch in her breath. "I'm majoring in psych too, you know."

"Then you already know why I took care of Joanie."

"Yeah," she sighed. "I know it wasn't her fault. It's just hard to get that image out of my head. Is she okay?"

"She's fine," I said but then I knew I had to qualify it a little. "Physically she's great. Uncle Ira recommended a friend of his out there who was able to tell us why none of the other pregnancies took and made it so this one will be fine. So that's good."

Judy laughed dryly.

"All it took to find the answer was her treating your marriage like garbage."

"We're on some shaky footing," I conceded. "She's at Sherry's thinking and, hopefully, talking things out. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm scared, Jude."

"I am too," she said. "Do you need me to come over and make hot fudge sundaes?"

"Another time," I told her. "I'm going to finish my lunch and get out on the bike for a bit. Maybe I can clear my head a little."

"The offer stands," she said.

"Thanks, Judy."

I spent a good while on the bike that day. It felt good to just shake off all the hurt and sadness and let them just fly away in the wind. I didn't really think about my problems on that ride. I didn't think about much and that was just perfect. It was getting pretty late when I turned the bike for home. It was starting to get dark and in June that's getting on toward 9 or later.

I pulled into the garage wishing I'd left a light on somewhere because no one else was home. I didn't know if that was good or bad that Joanie wasn't back yet. Maybe she wasn't coming back. Maybe she was still thinking. Maybe a lot of things and none of them were worth speculating on.

As Al would say, "What's gonna happen will happen and worrying on it won't change it or make it happen faster."

He might be a crazy old man but he was a treasure all the same.

I didn't know quite what to do with myself so I sat down at the table with a bottle of Vernor's and some pizza left over from the night before and grabbed a deck of cards to play solitaire. And that's right where I was when the phone rang.

Yeah, I love you all but you need to feel the same pain about this that I do. Okay, references. I don't think I missed anything too glaring in the last chapter. We all know about Detroit Metro Airport and it shouldn't have been too shocking that pictures could be wired from one coast to the other and that the US Marshals would have those resources.

As for this chapter, Bubbeleh is just a term of endearment. It makes sense Joanie would call Dean that.

I hate where they are right now. I want to just find a way past it but the only way is through and that is going to be a lot more hard discussions. If Joanie's even willing to try, that is. I don't know her headspace right now. I thought I did going into this but...this got out of my control. They are both hurting so bad.

So, what are we thinking out there. I know someone must have read these last few chapters and you've got to have a thought or two. Please share. We can have a little discussion and it'll be fun. I'm really glad Kid and Lou were at the airport. Jimmy needed them. Joanie probably did too.

I just...I'm having trouble with this bit. It's hard to write and these two are breaking my heart and so many are going to be hurt from the ripple effect.

So, Might have a little relief from some of my stress. I don't want to say too much right now but I am cautiously optimistic.

Well, until next time...Kisses - Jenna