"Girl don't you know we can work it out with talkin'?
You won't turn around or slow down your walkin'." - Words - The Monkees (Boyce/Hart)
"Jimmy?"
"Hey Sherry," I said, trying to sound calm. I was not calm. Not by a long shot.
"I'm so sorry," she said and sounded like she'd been crying.
The blood ran cold in my veins.
"I don't understand," I choked out.
"Oh God," she cried. "I didn't mean…Jimmy, it's not bad. Joanie's on her way home."
I just stayed quiet hoping she'd explain anything.
"Remember the Rosemary incident?"
"Yeah."
I couldn't very well forget that whopping mistake.
"I was really hard on you but I didn't know…I didn't."
"Nothing to know," I told her. "You got the better man."
"No," she said adamantly. "I got the more informed man."
"I don't understand."
"Joanie told me all about how Rosemary would do anything if she felt it served her purposes. She cheated on Noah so many times and with so many men," she explained. "I told Bill which is how he could see what was coming. I assumed she told you. I know now how blindsided you were. I was unfair."
"She knew Rosemary was going to try something with me."
Well, that explained her nightmares and evasiveness when Rosemary entered our lives.
"I already gave her an earful about it."
"So I yelled at her and then you yelled at her," I said. "You sure she's coming home?"
"I didn't only yell," she said, laughing. "I cried with her and talked to her. I can't promise it'll be okay but she's in a better place to talk."
"I see headlights in the driveway," I told her. "Thanks, Sherry."
I got off the phone as Joanie was walking in the door. She looked like she wanted to run into my arms but was holding herself back. I went to her and held her tight to me. I could feel her relax a little.
"Are we okay?"
"No," I said honestly. "We got a lot to sort before we're okay but I need you to hear some things first."
I guided her to the kitchen table where I'd been sitting before Sherry called. I got us both some iced tea and then sat down across from her.
"We gotta lay all our cards on the table," I began. "I love you. I'll probably love you until the day I die no matter what happens. I don't want a divorce. But I don't want to live with the anger and hostility I grew up in and that's where this is headed if things don't change. I refuse to raise Dean or that little one like that."
I paused and let my words sink in before speaking again.
"I'm pretty sure you've got plenty to say to me. The floor is yours."
She took a drink of her tea and wrinkled her forehead.
"I would have thought this would be a beer sort of conversation," she said.
"Alcohol don't help when there's this much anger and pain–in my experience anyway."
She nodded and I think she understood at least most of my reasons for keeping our wits about us.
"I love you," she began. "I say it often and I mean it. I hate seeing you hurt–the years Kid was gone were agony. And now, seeing you with Dean…not much brings me as much joy as you with your son. I feel all of that and then I haven't been thinking about your feelings at all."
She paused and drank some more of her tea.
"You're right when you say I didn't trust you with the Stan situation. I didn't. I should have but I didn't have enough faith in your love for me. I should have known better. I never would have been attacked if I had been honest with you."
She looked down at her hands on the table. I reached across and took one of those hands and gave it a squeeze.
"So many times I needed to tell you things…about Rosemary, about my fears, my pain and I always found a reason not to tell you–not to burden you. You were worried about Kid or Lou. You had finals. The rest of the family needed you more. There was always some reason to not let you in."
Another sip of tea.
"I convinced myself that I was protecting you. I wasn't. I was saving myself. I know by now that there's nothing I could confess to make you turn from me. I was saving myself the discomfort of speaking and explaining and the work that would go into really getting better, stronger. You say I'm so smart but when it comes to it, I'm the same stupid as everyone. Lying to myself and hiding from you. I'm so sorry."
There were tears running down her face by then. For the first time since I found her in San Francisco, she was my sweet girl in the powder blue dress.
I walked around the table and crouched down in front of her. I brushed the tears from her cheeks. She slid off the chair and wrapped her arms tight around me.
We sat like that for quite a while just holding each other and crying. Finally our tears slowed and I spoke.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Your honesty," I said.
"Too bad it came too late," she replied.
"It's only too late when we don't still love each other. We're a mess and we might be on shaky ground for a while, but it's not too late."
"Do you really believe that?" she whispered.
"I must," I said. "And I held my left hand in front of her."
The gold band was there shining.
"We're still not all okay, though, are we?"
"No," I told her. "We'll probably need to have a few more difficult talks and I don't know how long it'll be before I get that image out of my head."
"I'm so sorry you ever had to see anything like that. Can you forgive me?"
"I already have," I told her. "It was a mistake. People make mistakes, Joanie."
"Not this bad."
"Remember before Greg was born?" I asked her and she nodded against me. "At least I know whose baby you're carrying. Carol made some mistakes then but most of 'em came from not talking things out. Just like this mistake. And you really weren't in control of your actions. I can't blame you for your mental state."
"Lucky you with your crazy wife."
"Stop!" I growled. "You've got some problems. I knew that walking in and I walked in anyway. Ain't one of us on this earth perfect. You meet someone and you gotta figure out if you're okay with their imperfections. I am. I always have been. I know you're not strong all the time. I want to be the one you turn to when you can't do it all on your own. I want that to be my place. If I ever, for even a moment, felt like that was some burden, I wouldn't've stuck with you."
Something broke then. Some part of the façade of strength that was always in place with her began to crack. She gripped me tighter and her tears came so hard then, I could hardly believe a person could cry like that. She clung to me and just sobbed. Once her crying slowed a bit I chanced speaking again.
"You just figured it out, didn't you?"
Joanie looked up to me like she didn't know what I was talking about.
"You're loved and you're safe," I said. "I tried to make you see it before. I tried to prove it to you. I tried to show you. But you finally get it now, don't you?"
She just nodded and her eyes were wide.
"What do you say we get up off the kitchen floor and get some sleep?" I asked. "Don't know about you but I'm dog tired."
She stood and reached her hand to me to help me up off the floor. It was a small gesture but it reminded me that she could still take me leaning on her when I needed it too. Not that I ever doubted it at all.
We headed toward the stairs and she paused.
"Where…"
"I think I'd like you in my arms tonight if that's alright with you."
Joanie released a deep breath and nodded.
"So," I began as we headed up the stairs. "We should probably think of what to name that little one–and don't you dare say 'Francis'."
She laughed and I truly felt like we were going to be fine eventually.
"Do we have to go to Emma's?" Joanie was pleading with me.
"Joanie, if you recall, I got paraded over there after I was caught with Rosemary. There were easily half a dozen people there who were actively plotting my gruesome murder."
"But they're your family, James," she whined. "They love you. After what I did…"
"No one knows what you did," I told her. "Except Kid and probably Lou–and Sherry. And I wasn't the one who told Sherry. Other than that, no one. They just know you had a bit of a breakdown and ran off."
"That's embarrassing enough."
"It's really not–or it shouldn't be anyway," I said. "Besides, they're going to want to truly get excited about the baby–at least the women will anyway."
We got over to Emma's and the men was on the porch listening to the Tiger game. Joanie sucked in her breath.
"They don't know," I reminded her. "And it's no one else's business either."
She nodded and we headed to the door.
Emma appeared as we started climbing the porch steps and threw her arms around Joanie.
"Oh thank Goodness you're home safe with us! I was so worried!"
Joanie looked at me helplessly. I just grinned and mouthed 'told you so.'
Emma dragged Joanie inside and started fretting about her getting off her feet and how she needed to keep from getting agitated on account of the baby. Yeah, we might not be fine just yet but we would be and this baby was going to be born into all the love we could give it.
I turned to Sam and Al to ask the score of the game and before I could even get a word out, the front door opened again. Lou was standing there. I couldn't read anything in her expression so I just smiled at her.
"Wanna go for a little walk, Lou?"
She nodded and once we was far enough away that no one was going to hear anything she finally spoke.
"I'm sorry, Jimmy. I really am."
"I know you are," I told her.
"Kid said he was supposed to remind me that you didn't want to hear any 'I told you so's'," she said. "I don't want to say them either. I never did. You know that, right? I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you both to be happy."
There were tears in her eyes but she was fighting to keep them there.
"Of course I know that, Lou. I know you'd never wish anything bad on anyone. You didn't think this into happening or any other craziness you might conjure up in your head."
"I know," she admitted. "But I didn't want you to think I was gloating about your pain."
"You wouldn't ever do such a thing and I know that," I assured her. "There's still something on your mind. Out with it."
"I'm worried about you," she said. "Kid is too but I think it feels a little good for him to be here for you again. You take so much on yourself and you never even bend, let alone break. I guess I just wanted to check in and make sure you know you don't have to carry the weight alone. You still got friends and…"
Her voice trailed off. And I reached over and squeezed her shoulder.
"I know. I have some of the best friends out there. Tomorrow I might just pay a visit to that husband of yours while he's working and talk his arm off for a bit."
She nodded and started to walk back toward Emma's. I put a hand on her arm to stop her.
"Lou, can you talk a bit more?"
She nodded.
"I'm not doing that great to tell the truth," I confessed. "I know things logically like it's not all her fault and how complicated this is. And we're gonna be alright in time. It hurt, Lou. Seeing what I saw. It still hurts. She chose that over talking to me. It's more complicated than that, I know. But that's how it feels. I guess I just need someone to give me permission to feel it."
"Oh,Jimmy," she said as she patted my cheek. "You don't need permission. You're allowed to be hurt and mad and heartbroken and anything else. I know you're pretending to be fine because you don't think everyone needs to know. I agree she doesn't need that judgment from the whole family. You need a minute to take that happy mask off, you come find me or Kid."
About halfway through talking, she quit fighting the tears and I did too apparently. Though I didn't even know I'd been fighting any.
She opened her arms and we stood there hugging and crying in the middle of the sidewalk.
After a while Lou started giggling and I pulled back and looked at her.
"We must look ridiculous."
I thought about it and started laughing with her. Pretty soon we had tears of a different sort running down our faces.
We collected ourselves and wiped our eyes as best we could with our fingers.
"You going to have trouble being nice to Joanie?" I asked.
"Like you said, it wasn't all her fault that she freaked out and things are complicated. My feelings about this are muddled. I don't hate her."
We got back to Emma's and by then Sherry was there with the baby. Joanie looked more relaxed with her friend there but Lou walking in the door with me seemed to unnerve her. I held a hand to her and she rushed over to take it. She leaned into me as she eyed Lou warily.
"You know we're still friends, Joanie," Lou said before reaching out and pulling Joanie into a fierce hug.
"You worried us silly. I wasn't the only one fearing the worst."
"Thanks Lou," Joanie whispered.
Emma came out of the kitchen then and announced that dinner was ready. We all headed for the dining room except for Joanie whose previous smile at Lou's kind words fell away as the color drained from her face and she bolted to the bathroom.
She was pregnant after all but I still got a little worried. I started to go after her. I felt Emma's hand on my arm.
"It's normal, Jimmy," she reminded me.
"Actually it's not. She gets sick in the mornings but once she's been up a few hours, the nausea turns off like a switch. I just want to check on her."
Emma nodded and let go of my arm.
I found Joanie leaning heavily on the bathroom counter and trying to rinse her mouth out.
"You're usually not still sick this time of day."
"I was fine until I caught a whiff of Emma's fried potatoes and onions and I just…well, you know."
I chuckled a little as my nerves calmed. I know I was getting too worried for her but we'd lost three already.
"Remember when Annie was carrying Timmy and she couldn't handle the smell of bread baking?"
Joanie giggled.
"I do," she said, starting to get her strength back a little. "Emma had to bake the day before she was due to come over or make do with store bought–as if that was such a bad thing but Emma acted like she failed us all if there wasn't fresh baked bread here."
"Do you need me to clear the potatoes and onions out of the dining room for you?" I asked.
She nodded.
"Either that or I'm eating on the front porch."
I went downstairs and explained the situation to Emma who promptly removed the serving dish from the table and put it in some Tupperware in the fridge.
Joanie made her way down the stairs looking a little sheepish but no one really minded much. There's always something in a pregnancy. Either some food tastes really bad all of a sudden or some smell just makes a gal toss her cookies. Turned out it wasn't the potatoes or even the onions, it was the frying. She could not handle anything fried while she carried that one. Couldn't eat burgers or fries. I couldn't fry an egg in the house without her bolting for the bathroom. There are worse things and the reward at the end is pretty spectacular.
Sometime after dinner, Ike said he had an errand to run and would be back in a while. It was later afternoon and we all reminded him to be home for the news so he wouldn't miss Bill's report. He said he'd be back in plenty of time.
We didn't see him until the news was just starting. He had the biggest grin on his face and I wondered what his errand had involved. I figured on asking him after Bill signed off from whatever part of that jungle war zone they had him reporting from that night.
Bill's voice was lighter in that report than it had been in a while but then he was reporting from Saigon. When he was there, he could stay in a hotel with a decent bed and a restaurant so I figured that's why he looked perkier. But then he had a bit of an announcement at the end of his report.
"This report marks my last from Vietnam," he said and I could see he was willing himself to maintain his dignified reporter demeanor. "Another intrepid reporter will be stepping in to take my place as I go home to my wife and child. This is William F. Cody signing off from Saigon."
I looked over at Sherry and I wasn't sure she was breathing at first. Before she could even fully register her husband's words on that TV, we all heard someone coming up the walk.
"You got a smile so bright, you know you could've been a candle."
In walked Bill with flowers in his hands and singing at the top of his lungs. Sherry jumped up and flew at him, wrapping her whole body around him. Their kiss then made a few of us feel we maybe ought to leave the room but then he disentangled himself from his wife and I could see his eyes were transfixed on Little Billy.
"Sherry, you been mixing Miracle Gro into his strained peas?" he asked as he picked up his son.
For her part, Sherry just clung to Bill as he held their child. I know full well I wasn't the only one shedding some tears that day. I'm not sure how he managed to spring the surprise other than the fact that the only one he trusted with any details was the quietest among us.
I can close my eyes right now and still see, clear as day, that little family reunited. I chanced a look at Kid and I think a little part of him finally relaxed for the first time since he'd come home and found out that Bill was over there.
Things might not have been perfect in every part of my life but our family was safe and back together and that felt pretty good right there.
So...yay! Bill's home! And I think in time J & J will be fine. It might take a while. He's in a really conflicted place right now and I feel for him.
Um...yeah, I don't think there was anything Michigan-centric or hard to grasp. Though I want to add a personal Michigan note. The Detroit Tigers' season ended the other night and with it the stellar career of Miguel Cabrera. I feel the need to send out many heartfelt thanks to the man who gave the city of Detroit and, by extension, the state of Michigan some incredible memories. I wish him nothing but the best in the road ahead. Gracias Miggy!
Ok...so let's talk. Is anyone angry with Joanie right now? With Jimmy? Seriously what is going on in those sweet reader brains of yours? Let me know. Do we see any other storylines coming? I promise that once this immediate drama passes that we'll get more into the others again. We're still in June here but remember that Lou's got a bun in the oven too and should be due about October. What do you think she'll have? How long do you figure before Bill has Sherry knocked up again? And haven't the Cohens and Shapiros been pretty chill about Joanie running off like that? Hmmmmm...
Until next installment, dear readers, I love you! - J