"How do you feel by the end of the day?
Are you sad because you're on your own?
No, I get by with a little help from my friends." - With a Little Help from My Friends - The Beatles (John Lennon/Paul McCartney)

"Hi Dad!"

The voice on the other end of the phone warmed my heart. Hell, that voice is all grown up and still has the same effect on me now.

"Hey buddy, what's up?"

"Mom wants to know if I can spend this week with you," his words came rushing out.

"Is your mom there right now?"

"Yeah, here she is," he said as I heard the phone being shuffled.

"Jimmy, you'd be doing me a huge favor," Sarah said when she got on the line.

"You do remember that Joanie and I are taking him to the cabin next week, right?"

"I know," she said. "I'll miss him for those two weeks but I have some things I really have to do this week. You don't mind having him that long, do you?"

"Of course not," I said. "We love having him with us. I just wanted to make sure that we could still go up north next week."

So I went and picked up Dean. Joanie had gone back to work that day. I know Judy had explained some things to her folks but not everything and I'm pretty sure none of them ever got the full details. But Joanie was lighter than she had been in a while.

I took Dean over to the garage with me. I wasn't kidding when I told Lou I'd probably go talk to Kid. I pulled up and the first thing I saw was Jesse and Theresa talking. They were smiling and he said something that made her laugh. They'd become friends after their break up but this looked like it might be a rekindling of some sort. I hoped it was.

Dean was out of the car before I even got it in park and was running to Theresa asking where Bobby and Jack were. I waved to the two youngsters as I walked into the garage.

Kid was easy enough to find, he was the feet sticking out from under a Chevy.

"Hey Kid," I said easily. "When did Jesse and Theresa get back together?"

"They're not really," he replied from under the car. "I think it's headed there though. He's a good kid. He came and talked to me and let me in on how things were going with them. You, Sam, and Emma did good with him."

"He was my first win," I said. "I didn't know what I was doing. I barely had my Bachelor's and was still waiting to hear about the counselor job at the school. He was us and I just had to save him somehow. Emma and Sam did the rest."

"Theresa said he was abused horribly," Kid said. "She hinted that beatings weren't all of it either. I'm so proud of you, JImmy. You've turned into what we needed when we were kids. I know things are rocky now but that woman has been all kinds of good for you."

I heard a car outside and looked to see if it was a customer coming in but it was just Bill. It felt good that he was able to just pull on into the garage and hang out with us. He had the baby with him and was just beaming at the chubby little guy.

"Hey Bill," I called out to him.

He walked in and pulled a stool near to where I was sitting and plopped down.

Al sauntered out of his office about then and saw the three of us sitting there–well, four if you count the little guy.

"Boys," he said. It was funny, we were always his boys and he always called us that. "I think I should give Kid the rest of the day off so's he can go off and shoot the breeze with his friends. Seems I got some strapping youngster around here somewheres who can get the work done."

We all went over to Emma's where Rachel had brought Joey so she could spend part of her day visiting with Emma. We made sure that they were fine watching Bobby and Jack and Dean. I know they were more than happy to take Willie–Bill explained that calling him Little Billy was a mouthful and Willie would be less confusing as he got older. He and Joey were already best of friends even though neither could talk and I think they had maybe fifteen teeth between them. Besides, Sarah Jean loved doting on the littler ones.

Once we knew the kids were being looked after, we set off for the diner down the block from Al's shop. It was getting on to lunch time and we knew we could sit there all afternoon and just keep sipping coffee and talking and no one was going to be upset with us.

"Sherry filled me in a little on what's been going on while I was gone," Bill started once we were seated and our orders taken. "But we didn't have time for much uh…talking last night and she was up early for work this morning."

"What didn't she get to talking about?" I asked.

"Well, when I left, you were childless and now you've got an eight year-old son and another on the way."

I laughed and then explained the whole episode of finding out about Dean and then how the doctor in San Francisco had figured out why Joanie kept miscarrying.

"What was she doing in San Francisco?"

"Your wife didn't fill you in?" I asked. He shook his head.

"Said she wasn't sure if you'd want me to know."

"I don't want to be the reason for secrets between you and your wife."

I gave a quick rundown of what happened and I could see the disbelief in his eyes; first that Joanie would do such a thing and then that we were working it out.

"Looks like I came back just in time," Bill said. "Whole family was going to hell in a handbasket."

We laughed and thanked the waitress as she set out meals down on the table. Then Bill got more serious again.

"What else did I miss?"

"Uhh," Kid began like he was wracking his brain.

"Kid came home," I said laughing.

"Come to think of it, I noticed there's one more ugly mug around here than there was before I left," Bill said and his eyes gave away his teasing.

We laughed a bit and then Bill got really serious.

"I was sorry to hear about Aaron," he said.

"It was a big blow," I conceded. "I still can't entirely believe he's gone and how he went…"

"No wonder Joanie fell apart like she did," Bill said. I could only nod.

"So is this the part where we get super serious and Kid and I gang up on you and try to make you talk out your marital crisis?" Bill asked with as much humor as he could muster.

"No need to gang up on me," I told him. "I need to talk to someone."

"Al would probably give you better advice than either of us," Bill joked.

"Al don't know and I don't need advice. I just need friends willing to listen."

They both just looked at me as if to say they could manage that and I started talking.

"I knew things were about to go sideways. I couldn't do anything. Hell, I thought about having her committed. Maybe I should have. We all tried to get her talking…nothing got through."

I sighed and took a sip of my coffee.

"I mean, there's no way I thought she'd run off like she did. She had a really massive panic attack once and blacked out and gave herself a nose bleed. I figured that would be the worst that could happen."

I shook my head.

"I know better than that. But you never want to let yourself really imagine the truly worst case scenario. And I'm not sure I could ever have imagined this in my wildest nightmares."

"You know it wasn't her fault, right?" Kid asked.

"But it was, Kid," I said. "She could have opened up to me or Judy…or Sherry. She held it all in and so when it all blew up, whatever happened was her fault. She's not stupid. She knew things could get this bad. She did."

"Is that really fair?"

"Maybe not, Kid," I admitted. "But I can't keep being the only one with any responsibility for her mental state. She knows that. Or she says she does now anyway. I guess time will tell that tale."

"I know Sherry was pretty upset with her," Bill said. "Said it was unfair to you and Joanie needed to grow up. She also said that she hoped you weren't beating yourself up too bad. I'll tell her you're not."

"Oh, I am but thank her for her concern for me. She's a good friend."

"So are you saying that you think it's over?" asked Kid.

I shook my head.

"I just don't think it is," I said. "It's going to take a while for me to trust her but I think we'll be okay someday. I just need to talk this out and if I told her how I'm feeling well, she'd either feel like giving up or she'd just sink into another depression. I know I need to talk to her more but I don't know how to get the words out so they don't cause more hurt."

"Watching you yesterday," Kid said. "I wouldn't have known anything was amiss–if I didn't already know, that is."

I nodded.

"It's not even really an act either. God, I still love her. And I know how broken she was and I know she wasn't even really there when she was doing what she was doing. I could see the vacant look in her eyes. There's the baby too. I can't wait to have that little one in my arms. I know I'm a complete sap."

"I don't know about complete sap," Bill said with a grin.

We laughed a little then and I felt better. The hurt wasn't all gone and I may need to vent again but having my friends back and near for me to lean on made things better in a way I can't even explain.

"Well," I said, sliding out of the booth. "I think I'm going to go pick up my son and see what we can scrounge up for dinner. It's Joanie's first day back to work since…everything…and she's not going to want to cook. Maybe I can teach the boy the fine art of grilling burgers."

We walked over to Emma's and collected our respective children. I actually had a chance to introduce Bill to Dean. Dean's eyes were about as big as saucers at meeting the guy he saw every night on the news.

"I doubted what you said," Bill confessed. "I thought Sarah was lying to get you in her clutches again but damn, if he isn't just the spitting image."

Once Dean and I were in the car and headed to Meijer's to pick up something for dinner, I asked if he'd had a good time.

"Bobby and Jack are always fun to play with," he said. "Is Mamaleh feeling better?"

"She is. She still gets an upset tummy in the mornings but that's normal."

"I don't mean that," he said and then clarified. "I mean, she looked scared and sad when she came home. Is she better?"

"She's not all better," I admitted. "Joanie has some problems handling her fears sometimes. I try to help as much as I can but sometimes it gets too much. She's getting better though."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm feeling lots better."

I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before then but Dean had always just had his mom and he probably took care of her when she was feeling down or when things weren't going so good. I understand. She was all he had to take care of him so if she wasn't alright, he wouldn't be either. Before you ask, I don't think it's the greatest situation but it's not uncommon when there's only one parent–for whatever reason–and I realized then that Dean wasn't naturally any more perceptive than any other kid. He'd just learned different survival skills.

You might think that me letting him in on Joanie's problems would be too much to heap on him but it was a good thing actually. He knew there were two of us dealing with the problem and also that I wasn't keeping anything from him. A kid that's had the kind of uncertainty that Dean had, well, he wants to know the direction of the breeze before the spit hits the fan so he can see it coming and duck.

That week was really nice having Dean around. Sometimes I took him over to spend some time with Bobby and Jack and most days he played with kids in our neighborhood.

Of course there was still Joanie and the distance between us. After her first day back, I got the call from Uncle Eli.

"It appears little Zeisele is feeling better," he said.

"Yeah, she finally let out some of what she was holding in all that time."

"She is smiling again and excited for the baby," he agreed. "But there is still sadness in her eyes."

"Some things between us are a little complicated," I told him. "We're working on it. It's a private matter."

He sounded like he didn't want to drop things and leave them at that but a marriage is personal after all and I think he knew I wasn't going to be moved on this.

Joanie eventually called her sister and they had a good cry on the phone and things were fine with them again.

Between the two of us, things were more distant. We acted normal enough around other people. We talked about normal things like her day at work and what we'd have for dinner. We planned the nursery and took Dean shopping for summer clothes and swim trunks so he could fully enjoy the U.P. We walked down to the corner for ice cream and sat on the deck listening to the Tigers.

We even shared a bed. But we were not intimate. We did not make love. Joanie tried a couple times but I just couldn't bring myself to touch her. It hurt too bad that something she'd given me, something special, she'd mindlessly given to someone else.

I had been able to push her past with Stan out of my mind because that wasn't a choice she made and that was before she knew me. It would be like her holding Sarah against me. But she was my wife and there was another man out there who knew the magic her mouth could do and another who knew how she tasted. They didn't know these things because they took anything, they knew them because the knowledge was freely given to them.

Joanie tried to engage me sometimes. She'd cuddle up close and start letting her hands run all over me. Once or twice I even started to lose myself in her touch but then the image would flash in my head and I'd push her away. Sometimes I'd hear her crying afterward and I'd rub her back but I just couldn't do what she wanted right then.

We had a nice drive up to the cabin, stopping for a bit to go over to the island on the way. Dean got a kick out of the horses and really enjoyed the fudge. He was sound asleep by the time we got there and I carried him into his room and we set up some night lights in case he woke in the middle of the night and didn't know where he was.

During the day, we went for hikes and I taught Dean to fish. At night we'd have a campfire and roast marshmallows for s'mores and sing songs and tell stories. It was a wonderful week and I could tell Dean loved every minute of it.

Our last night there, I got Dean to bed and went out to sit on the beach for a little while and stare at the stars.

Not long after I laid back to really get a good look at those stars, Joanie came out and tentatively sat next to me.

"It's a beautiful night," she observed.

"There don't seem to be any other kind up here."

She laid down next to me and kept her focus on the night sky.

"I'm scared," she said, her voice shaking. "I don't know if I have the right to bring it to you but I promised I'd trust you with things and I wouldn't let my problems get so out of hand. And I'm scared. I think you are too."

I just nodded.

"I know I lost your trust," she began, taking my hand in hers. "I made our love something ugly and hurtful to you. And I can't take it back no matter how much I wish I could. If I could go back and just open up to you. Just tell you one thing that was weighing on me. Tell you how frightened the assassinations made me, tell you that I thought I was pregnant and that I didn't think I was up to another loss–maybe I was even ready to look at adoption. You begged me to talk–to say something, anything–and I just put up a wall and if I could change that and let you help me so I wouldn't have broken so completely…I can't though. I messed it all up and you can't even look at me without seeing…you can't bring yourself to touch me."

"I'm going to say some things that are going to ruffle your feminist sensibilities," I warned. "But I can't help what I feel. Eight years ago we were up here and you gave something to me. Something you'd never offered another. Something precious and beautiful. From then, it was mine–you were mine and no one else's. That's not the case anymore. I know–I know that you weren't any more consenting than with Stan. I know you couldn't even really give or deny consent. But you gave away what was mine–gave it to people you don't even know. I'm trying to get past it. I want you and I want us and I want it all back and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get there."

I was crying and I didn't even care who saw it.

"I'm going to ruffle my own feminist ideals," she said as she kissed every tear that fell. "I like being yours. I want to be yours. I want you to possess me."

"I'm trying, Joanie."

"Stop trying and just let it happen," she whispered in my ear. "Take me back and make me yours. I can handle your anger and your hurt and even your fears–however you need to turn them loose. Just take my body and make me yours again."

Something shifted in me then and I suddenly felt as though I could oblige her. I admit I might have been a tad aggressive but she didn't seem to mind. Afterward, I held her body tight to mine and I dare say there wasn't a doubt in either of our minds who she belonged to.

So, there's actually something Michigan here! "Up North" is just anything north of a city called Clare. More a town really...but it's not real specific. We might get specific but often you'll just hear us say up north and that's what we offer. We get it though. When my great-grandparents were still alive, they had a cottage "up north" we'd call it "the cottage" or just "up north". It was heaven on earth. They weren't all the way to the U.P. or anything. Little town called Hale and up the hill from Sage Lake. Everything moved slower there. No one fretted about anything and it was quiet and beautiful. I miss it like I miss them.

Okay, I'm now on the verge of tears. I really need a flipping vacation.

Anyway, I hope we enjoyed this some. Jimmy's thoughts have been all over the place and getting him to sit still (never his strongest suit anyway) has been like nailing jello to the wall. But I think somebody paged Dr. Gaye-Dr. Marvin Gaye to the beach in the U.P. for a little sexual healing. Joanie may be a little sore the next day but I don't think that will upset her at all.

Until next time-J