Chapter 1: Goodbye, Megamind

Megamind peels back the sleeve of his suit, grimacing at the deep purple bruise on his wrist. Gingerly, he pulls his hand back slightly and hisses through his teeth. Then he replaces the fabric and gives his wrist a tiny pat.

That's the third time Peter Metro Pan's clumsiness has broken his wrist in the past two years. Will it heal? Sure. But it will also make it near impossible for Megamind to do the extravagant Christmas kidnapping he had planned next week. Ms. Ritchi would have liked it.

No matter. Doesn't matter. He can just… whip together an Emergency Scrambler Tool or Doodad or….

"Ohhh," he sighs, leaning his thin hip into the glass dome-shaped sunroof on the Metro City Art Museum.

What's the use? This whole song and dance is getting old, isn't it? He… he loves playing the supervillain. Evil is fun! And he knows making Metro Man look completely unbeatable keeps the Doom Syndicate at bay, but…. It would be nice not to be hated for a change.

Luminous green eyes drift back to the window, easily spotting Miss Ritchi talking to a security guard. As he waits for her to leave, watching her charming grin from this far away, a faint smile plays on his lips.

"Hey, you can't be up here."

"Wah!" Megamind flips around to a slouching, tired-looking fellow looking over his glasses at him.

"Uhhh, that's a pretty tasteless costume," the man gruffs through a nasely voice.

"Costume?"

"Megamind's head is not that grossly exaggerated. If you're going to cosplay at the master of all villainy, can you do it somewhere else? We're closed."

"Uh… that's—that's not why—"

"Fine, fine. I don't even care. Just don't make a mess." The man groans, turning away.

"Ah. Okay?"

What an odd man.

Seven point four minutes later, while Megamind is signaling his last team of brainbots to wrap up their plot preparations, he is startled yet again by the man. What are the odds?

"Looks awful, doesn't it?"

"What?" Megamind straightens and follows the man's eyes to the painting he happens to be standing in front of. "Oh, uh, yeah yeah. Tiny pieces of urchin spines, shells and coral. Awful."

He plasters on a smile, while signaling his brainbots wildly behind his back.

"Yeah," he nods, lips still pulled in a perpetual frown. "All those people. Jellyfish. I'd much rather go to France."

"There are… people in France."

Why is he entertaining this? He needs to just leave. Or dehydrate him… But then someone might wonder why their night… henchemployee… suddenly went missing and spoil his plot before its time.

"Interesting people, maybe. Not nagging reporters who hog up your lunch break to ask you all about construction on the Metro Man Museum. Uug. Sometimes I think it would be easier to disappear. Start a new life there."

Oh.

What an… interesting idea. Megamind has never really wanted to leave Metrocity though. But getting a fresh start is very… tempting.

And.

Yes. Yes!

All he would need is a new face!

"No one would even notice," he drawls on. "Bernard is a bit of a wallflower."

"Are–are you Ber-nard?"

Lazy eyes slide to him before he holds out his hand for a handshake. "Nice to meet you. And you are?"

He smirks, grasping his hand. "Megamind, criminal mastermind."

Bernard raises one eyebrow minutely. "Yeah yeah, whatever. See ya around, 'Megamind.'"

The alien grinned mischievously, nefarious plots hatching in his head. What a lovely birthday present to himself!

"Yes… I will see you around, Ber-nard."

Coincidentally, Bernard Kropp won a free one-way trip to France the very next day.

Bernard, who didn't even remember the flight, woke up in his brand new apartment in Toulouse, a letter in his hand explaining all of his possessions would be boxed up and sent to him by the end of the day.

Huh.

Another massive coincidence?

Megamind died on his 31st birthday. Also the very next day!

Tragedy.

Blown up by his own Chemical Magnetizer Engine… His incredibly handsome blue face gone forever… It was a lovely funeral. Probably. Megamind didn't attend, so he didn't know, but Minion told him there were tears from Mr. Goody Two Shoes.

Awe.

Maybe he should send him a fruit basket? Well, not him-him, of course. Bernard 2.0!

"Are you sure you don't want me to get you a new face, Minion? I could see if Bernard has an estranged cousin around somewhere."

Megamind shook his head, watching the way his new hair bounces in the mirror.

"Fascinating."

"No thanks," he grumbled, steaming an old evil suit to get packed away.

"Oh, cheer up, fish stick! This is going to be great! We'll–we'll be able to… do whatever we want!"

"Couldn't we already do that, Sir?"

"Oh you know what I mean." Megamind twisted his watch, flickering off his stolen face. "If you were… Mrs. Jezebel Korowitz-Ivanov, Bernard 2.0 could take his dear old neighbor to dinner."

Megamind jumped next to Minion, flinging his cape over his head like a babushka. Donning a falsetto voice.

"Oh, Ber-nard dearie! You're such a good boy, I shall pinch your cheeks. Shall we take in a penny show on our night in the town?"

Minion chuckled despite himself, rolling his eyes as his friend.

*Knock knock knock*

"Hello?"

The pair popped their heads up in the direction of the voice, Megamind clutching his babushka.

"Minion? Hellooo?"

Megamind gasped, biting his thumb, stage whispering,"It's Miss Ritchi! What is she doing here?"

"I don't know!"

"Sh!"

"Sh!"

"Don't shush me!" Megamind whispered, waving his hand.

"You have to shush! You're supposed to be dead!"

"Hellooo?"