From the same author that brought you all of the other strange crossover stories. Comes a story that's so absurd, the author may literally have pulled this idea out his ass.
Starring a bunch of magical teens.
Three children with superpowers that were pretty much stolen from SuperMan.
Some orange alien jailbait.
And some whack job in a red suit.
Senshipuffs & Ahsoka Vs. Deadpool
Oh hello there valued reader, you're probably asking yourself right about now, what the hell did SailorGaurdians9 smoke before coming up with this idea? Well, the author doesn't smoke anything, his brain's just weird. Now some of you are saying, oh my God! SailorGuardians9 is male?! Yes he is dear reader, but I'm sure that won't bother any of you too much. Most of the people that would be bothered by that wouldn't have made it past the first story this guy ever wrote, way too much violence for those people. Anyways, enough about the nerd writing this, let's get to the real fun, the reason all you Subway Jared's showed up. Let's talk about some alien jailbait. Cue to the opening scene.
It was a breezy summer day in Juban, and everyone was gathered around their usual table at the crown. "Oh that was delicious, thank you so much for lunch everyone." Ahsoka thanked as she stretched a little bit.
"You're welcome Ahsoka, it's so good to see you eating again. You look so much better, your color's back, your muscles are back, you're happier now. We're so thankful to have the old you back again." Ami said with a smile.
"It feels good to be back, I still can't believe I let some figment of my imagination treat me like I did. It was a good thing I had all of you to help me see the truth. Thank you guys, I love you all." Ahsoka quietly said as she hugged Ami.
"We love you too Ahsoka." Ami replied as she and everyone else hugged Ahsoka back.
"So, what should we all do now?" Kaede asked with a smile as she looked at everyone.
"Let's go to the park!" Bubbles cheered with a smile.
"That sounds good, is that okay with everyone?" Mako asked as she looked around the table at everyone.
"Yeah, it'll be fun." Usagi replied as she put some yen on the table, followed by everyone but Ahsoka and the Puffs.
"Thank you for lunch everyone, I'd pay, but they don't take credits here." Ahsoka replied as she pulled a gold credit out and set it on the table as a tip.
"Wow Ahsoka, that's a generous tip." Rei informed as she looked at the credit Ahsoka had left.
"It's actually not a lot at all, in fact it may be worthless in your world." Ahsoka replied before standing up.
"Not in this world, that's twenty-four kerit gold! How much does a credit weigh?" Minako asked as she stared at the credit.
"I don't know, they're pretty light though. Why?" Ahsoka asked in a confused tone.
"Because twenty-four kerit gold sells fer about seventy-four U.S dollars per gram. That thang in yer hand is probably worth over two-thousand dollars in my country." Sarah informed as she stared at the credit.
"Well if that's true then I'm glad, Motoki and the other workers here are nice, they deserve a good tip." Ahsoka replied as she set two more gold credits on the table. "Now they can each have one. Alright, let's take the kids to the park. Bubbles has been working really hard lately, she deserves a good time." Ahsoka said with a smile as she patted Bubbles's head.
"Yay!" All three puffs cheered before dashing out the door.
"Girls! You know better, get back here!" Ami shouted before chasing after the puffs with Mako.
"Uh oh, mommy's mad now." Sarah chuckled as she walked with everyone else.
"Bubbles! You'd better listen to your mothers, same rank or not, I'll have you doing saber push-ups until your arms fall off!!" Ahsoka shouted before sprinting after Bubbles.
"Oof, now Ahsoka's getting on her. Poor Bubbles." Usagi giggled.
"How much you wanna bet that we get to the park and Ahsoka's gonna be standing there and watching at least Bubbles, maybe even all three of them, doing pull-ups on the monkey bars?" Kaede asked with a grin.
"Fifty yen says that she's gonna have 'em all doin' push-ups." Sarah replied with a grin.
"You're on." Kaede replied as she shook Sarah's hand.
"Come on, is that the best you've got?!" Ahsoka shouted as everyone walked into the park.
"We're sorry Ahsoka!" All three puffs yelled as they each did another pull-up on the monkey bars.
"Pay up." Kaede said with a grin as she held her hand out to Sarah.
"Dang it, ya got lucky Kaede." Sarah replied as she pulled two twenties and a ten dollar bill out of her pocket, then handed them to Kaede.
"Twenty! Alright that's enough, now you three remember to listen to your parents and aunties from now on, otherwise next time I'll double your punishments. But that goes triple for you Bubbles, a Jedi must obey the chain of command, and your parents are always number one on that chain. They even rank above the council, so you remember that." Ahsoka instructed before walking over by everyone else.
"Damn Ahsoka, I thought you and Bubbles were the same rank now?" Rei asked with a grin.
"We are, but that doesn't change the fact that I was her master, she still respects that bond, as I do with Anakin." Ahsoka explained with a smile.
"Well thanks Ahsoka, it's nice to have someone who's not afraid to be tough on the girls. Because to be honest, Mako and I are really bad at that sometimes." Ami thanked with a smile as she sat down on a bench.
"There's nothing wrong with that Ami, kids do need discipline, but too much discipline can do more harm than good. You still want them to have room to make mistakes, a mistake is one of the best teachers this world has; and I should know, I made a lot of them when I was a padawan. I still make plenty of them." Ahsoka replied with a small smile.
"We all do Ahsoka, it's part of life." Ami replied as she stretched a little bit.
"How are your studies coming, I hope you didn't fall far behind or anything when you were all trying to help me with my illness?" Ahsoka asked in a slightly sad tone.
"They're going great, and don't ever feel bad about needing our help Ahsoka. Besides, in the end it was you who beat your anorexia, we just tried to help support you in the fight." Ami replied as she put her arm around Ahsoka's shoulders.
"Thanks Ami, I really appreciate all of you. I couldn't have asked for better friends." Ahsoka said with a smile as she hugged Ami.
"Neither could we Ahsoka, we love you." Ami said with a smile as she hugged Ahsoka.
"I love you guys too." Ahsoka replied as she hugged Ami back.
"Not too high Buttercup, remember what happened last time you swung that high?!" Ami shouted as she watched Buttercup on the swing.
"Nope!" Buttercup answered as she swung higher, then used her super speed to start spinning the swing in full circles around the bar.
"Well you're about too!" Mako shouted as she stared at Buttercup.
"About to whaaaaat?!" Buttercup yelled as she lost her grip and went flying. Bubbles held out her hand and stopped Buttercup with the force.
"Remember now?" Bubbles asked as she set Buttercup down.
"Yes. Thanks Bubs." Buttercup thanked with a smile.
"You're welcome." Bubbles replied before climbing onto the merry go round. "Master, come play with us!" Bubbles yelled as she waved to Ahsoka.
"You to mommies and aunties!" Blossom yelled with a smile.
"Alright!" Ami replied as she and everyone else started walking over to the puffs, but Ahsoka suddenly stopped and looked around.
"Huh?" Bubbles quietly asked aloud as she looked in around a little as well.
"Yo Bubs, what are you doing? Come on, let's go play!" Buttercup yelled with a smile.
"Bubbles, you sensed it too?" Ahsoka asked as she looked at Bubbles.
"Yeah, the cold feeling of death. But where's it coming from?" Bubbles asked as she looked at Ahsoka.
"Let's find out." Ahsoka replied before running off, followed by Bubbles.
"What's going on?" Minako asked as she looked at Usagi.
"I don't know, but we're about to find out." Usagi replied as she ran after Ahsoka, followed by everyone else. A few minutes later a large warehouse came into view, but there was something odd about it.
"Master." Bubbles quietly said as she pointed at a small enclosed booth next to a red and white striped gate. Ahsoka walked over to the booth and saw a man inside with a bullet hole in his head.
"Stay alert Bubbles." Ahsoka ordered as she drew her lightsabers. Bubbles nodded and did the same thing. Ahsoka and Bubbles ducked under the gate and cautiously approached the warehouse.
"I don't sense any life forms anywhere." Bubbles quietly said as she looked around a little.
"Neither do I." Ahsoka replied as she approached an open door. Ahsoka peeked inside and saw dozens of bodies scattered across the floor, she also saw at least one firearm next to each body. 'They're all armed, but they don't look like police or military.' Ahsoka thought to herself as she slowly entered the warehouse. "Bubbles, stay outside and watch the perimeter, I'll scout the inside." Ahsoka instructed as she walked further into the warehouse.
"Yes master." Bubbles replied as she flew onto the roof and looked around. Ahsoka continued making her way through the warehouse, finding more and more bodies lying around it. But she also found something else, white blocks wrapped in clear plastic; they were stacked on pallets throughout the room, some of them were stacked as many as ten by ten blocks that were five levels high.
"What is this stuff?" Ahsoka asked herself as she looked at one of the packages.
"Oh this stuff? It's great, my old blind roommate loves it." A man answered as he stepped out from behind one of the pallets. Ahsoka quickly drew her lightsabers and jumped back from the man. "Wait a minute! Time out here author! Yeah, I'm talking to the guy writing this. Why didn't Ahsoka sense me, that's kind of her whole thing as a Jedi, right? No, we're just gonna ignore that fact? Okay, moving on. Ahem, hello there." The man greeted as he looked at Ahsoka.
"Who the hell are you?" Ahsoka asked as she stared at this odd man.
"Well Ahsoka, I, am your father." The man answered before making an odd breathing sound.
"What?" Ahsoka asked in a confused tone.
"I'm sorry, I just had to say it! I couldn't help myself! Ah, classic empire. Oh wait that's right, this whole universe takes place in a reality where the entire original trilogy never happened. So lame. But in all seriousness, they call me pool, Deadpool." The man answered as he held up a handgun.
"Deadpool? Are you serious?" Ahsoka asked as she stared at the man.
"I know right, how pathetic. The author must really be scraping the bottom of the idea barrel if he put me in a story." Deadpool replied as he took a step towards Ahsoka.
"What the kriff is going on right now?" Ahsoka asked as she stared at Deadpool.
"Oh that's so annoying! Just say fuck! Say it, at least the readers know what that means!" Deadpool yelled in an annoyed tone.
"Ahsoka!" Usagi yelled as she and the rest of the guardians came running into the warehouse.
"Be careful guys, this dude's nuts." Ahsoka warned as she held her lightsabers up.
"You'd be nuts too if you just did four lines of this wonderful cocaine! Don't do drugs kids, they're too amazing for you to handle." Deadpool said as he pointed at a wall.
"Who is he talking to?" Usagi asked as she stared at Deadpool.
"Girls, this is why you don't do drugs, because it makes you crazy and you talk to imaginary people." Ami said as she looked down at the puffs.
"Back up there little blue hair, I'm not talking to no one. I'm talking to our valued readers, a life lesson from Deadpool. Drugs are bad for you, so don't do them." Deadpool informed as he stared at the wall for a moment, then looked at Ami.
"Why are you here?" Usagi asked as she stared at Deadpool.
"Because the author put me here. I don't even think he knows why, he just, wrote it with no further plan for where it should go from here. Terrible writing, he should put in an application for Disney's next woke production, they only hire bad writers." Deadpool answered as he hung his head in sorrow.
"Master, I know that it's not the Jedi way, but I really wanna beat this guy up." Bubbles said as she looked up at Ahsoka.
"You know what Bubbles, so do I. But you're right, it's not the Jedi way; so we're not going to do that." Ahsoka replied with a small smile.
"BOOO! The readers want action, somebody try and kill somebody! People are gonna start getting bored in a minute!" Deadpool shouted in an annoyed tone.
"You know what Bubbles, if there's one thing I learned from Anakin, it's that sometimes rules are meant to be broken." Ahsoka informed as she drew her lightsabers.
"Yes! Here comes the action!" Deadpool yelled with excitement as he drew two katanas from his back. Ahsoka charged at Deadpool and slashed at him with her main saber, Deadpool held his katanas in an x shape in front of his chest to block the attack. "Shit!" Deadpool swore as Ahsoka's lightsabers cut both of his katanas, as well as him in half. "I should've seen that coming, mama always said, don't bring a metal sword to a lightsaber fight." Deadpool said as the top half of his body fell off of his bottom half.
"Is he dead?" Mako asked as she stared at Deadpool.
"Quick, somebody say, you were my brother Deadpool! I loved you! Then set me on fire." Deadpool said as he looked up at everyone.
"He's still alive?!" Minako asked as she stared at Deadpool.
"Oh yeah, I'm like a sexy cockroach, all but invincible. But seriously, Revenge of the Sith fans are gonna love this. Okay, from the top." Deadpool replied as he laid his head down.
"Fuck it, I'ma do it." Sarah said as she pulled out a lighter.
"Yay, someone said an actual swear word." Deadpool said with a little too much joy.
"Ahem. You were my brother Deadpool! I loved you." Sarah said before striking her lighter and tossing it on Deadpool.
"Time out, I'm not catching fire. We need some kind of accelerant, like gas. Anybody got any gas?" Deadpool asked as he looked at everyone.
"Buttercup always does!" Bubbles answered with a smile.
"Hey!" Buttercup yelled in a snippy tone.
"Well you do!" Bubbles replied as she stared at Buttercup.
"Are farts even flammable?" Blossom asked as she stared at Buttercup.
"Here's a fun fact from Deadpool, farts actually are flammable. Look it up on YouTube sometime, you gross weirdo." Deadpool said as he stared at the wall again.
"I don't care how we do it, just somebody please get rid of this guy." Rei said as she stared down at Deadpool.
"Welp, guess it's my time to shine." Buttercup said as she pointed her butt at Deadpool. Sarah shrugged and put the lighter behind Buttercup's butt.
"Wait a minute, I just remembered that one of you has fire powers and could probably..." Deadpool started to say, until Buttercup released a huge fart in his face, which ignited as it passed through the lighter's flame, engulfing Deadpool in fire.
"In your face weirdo!" Buttercup yelled with excitement as she spun around to see her handy work.
"Okay, last time I'm doing this." Sarah said before taking a breath. "You were my brother Deadpool! I loved you." Sarah said as she watched Deadpool burn.
"I hate you!" Deadpool shouted as he continued Burning.
"Why?! Ya told me ta do this!" Sarah asked as she looked down at Deadpool.
"It's a quote from Revenge of the Sith! Don't you people know Star Wars?! Or does that not exist in this reality as a movie since it's actually reality in this story, because I guess Ahsoka's right there and all. Ah damn it, this didn't work at all. Thanks a lot SailorGuardians9, you had to put Star Wars in your other stories, now no one here knows what Revenge of the Sith is!! Bravo nerd!" Deadpool yelled as he stared at the wall again.
"This is just getting sad, I don't know what's going on right now, but can we please just end this terrible... whatever this is?" Ahsoka asked as she looked at everyone else.
"It's a story! We're all fictional characters in some nerd's fan fiction!" Deadpool replied as he continued burning. "Screw it, this entire story isn't canon with the rest of the series anyways, someone just either kill me or send me to another reality! Force choke me, I've always been curious what that's like!" Deadpool shouted as the flames burned out.
"Kriff it, if none of this is real then I'm doing it." Ahsoka replied as she held her hand out, grabbing Deadpool in a force choke and tightening it.
"That's perfect, just a little longer. I'm almost there." Deadpool said with a breath.
"Ew! You sick perv, you get off on this?!" Ahsoka asked as she closed her hand, crushing Deadpool's windpipe and hopefully killing him.
"What do we do with his body?" Mako asked as she stared down at Deadpool's corpse.
"Well, if what he said was true and none of this is actually canon with our original reality, then the problem should just fix itself." Ami answered with a smile.
"Did you just break the fourth wall?" Mako asked as she looked at Ami.
"Please end this story, I don't like being self aware." Ami begged the author, to which he happily obliged.
The End.
(About damn time right?)
Author's Note: If you're looking for the actual sequel to Ahsoka's Big Problem, it will be titled Shattered Togruta, whenever it comes out. Thank you for reading this short story and I hope you at least somewhat enjoyed it.
Sincerely,
SailorGuardians9