A/N: Sorry for the long wait, college is kicking my ass. Okay, so I know that we've talked about biphobia in this story, but now in this later chapter we'll be diving deep into internalized biphobia. Some of the narration from Jacques' perspective is meant to be uncomfortable.

Song in parenthesis by the Beatles.

"Imposter syndrome is defined as the psychological phenomenon of self-doubt that causes a person to feel like a fraud."
-Psychology Today

Chapter 9- Imposter Syndrome (I'm Looking Through You)

Ever since the death of Bernadette, which was several months ago, Josée and Jacques remained partners - though one could argue that they technically never stopped being partners - it was a rough patch that tested their friendship, and hopefully, they wouldn't have to experience that awful feeling ever again. Little did they know, that would happen a few years down the line, but for now, they obliviously enjoyed rekindling back to their old ways. They had competed in the remaining competitions of April, and skated in many, many ice shows during off-season, stronger than ever, and were settling into October, which was the month after the start of competition season.

While waiting for Jacques to arrive, Josée was accompanying Rachel on the ice to give her some pointers.

"What do you think?" Rachel asked after she finished her routine.

Josée hummed to herself for a moment. "It was solid," she allowed.

Rachel's sunny smile disappeared at that. "Oh." She skated away from Josée. "...Great."

"You don't seem happy about that," Josée pointed out. "Usually I say much worse."

"I know," Rachel remarked, sighing. "'Solid' in your book means 'amazing and graceful' according to others."

Josée sent her a look. "I'm not that mean, am I? I figured I was being honest."

"You're not mean," Rachel told her. "You're critical of others because you're critical of yourself."

That caught Josée off guard. "Excuse-moi?"

Rachel waved it off. "Don't take it so personally. I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm saying that you're watching me skate and trying to hold me to a higher standard." She even gave Josée a smile for good measure. "You'd make a great teacher, you know."

"Hmm, I don't know about that," Josée said doubtfully. "Even though Isaac had asked me to take those classes to become one for Skate Canada. I am sixteen, after all. He says that it's a 'fallback' option, so I should get it done early like Jacques did when he turned sixteen." Rachel blinked at her. "If it helps," Josée continued, "You're getting better."

"Are you saying that to make me feel better?"

Josée genuinely smiled and shook her head. "Non, it's true. As my mother always says, there are two types of skaters. There are those with natural talent, and..." she trailed off as she remembered the rest of the quote, looking at Rachel who was awaiting the second part. At this, Josée's eyes softened considerably. "...those who have to work harder."

Rachel tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "I'm going to assume I'm the latter, aren't I?" Josée slowly nodded at this. Rachel sighed again. "Oh well, nothing I can do about that except to work at it, right?"

"That doesn't mean you're not a beautiful skater," Josée said at once. "You hear what people say about you, they love you! They love interviewing you because of your personality, people can relate to you, you're very pretty for a skater... you have that look they like, the dainty princess look, with the long blonde hair-"

"But they never mention my abilities on ice," Rachel interrupted Josée, albeit a bit coldly, "I'm not stupid, Josée. You don't have to try and be nice to me. I know people like me more because I fit the 'look' of a figure skater." Josée watched as Rachel skated off the ice and took her skates off. "Hopefully I can get people to focus on the ice skating itself rather than my appearance." She stood up straighter, with a determined look in her eyes that Josée hadn't seen from the blonde before, "I'll get everyone's attention."

Josée, uncertain as to why, was struck by Rachel's confidence. "...I'm sure you will, with a bit of practice."

Rachel nodded in agreement. "I will," she said assertively. "I'm going to go the locker room to get my things." She smiled. "Thanks, Josée. You're a great friend."

With that, she disappeared to the locker room, leaving Josée by herself. The ice dancer sighed; she did love teaching Rachel, even though it did cut into her own rehearsal time, but... Jacques was right; she did have a soft spot for her friend - again, she was sane compared to the other skaters and dancers she knew... well, other than Jacques, of course.

"You're skating is beautiful, chouchou."

Speaking of Jacques, he had showed up while Josée spent the past few minutes practicing her footwork on the ice. She smiled at him. "Merci, Jacques. Where are your skates?"

"Ah, I left them in the locker room yesterday night."

Josée raised an eyebrow. "And you decided to come to the rink first because?"

Jacques' face faltered. "I ah... figured I'd see you skate first."

Josée blinked at him, then put her hands on her hips. "Well you did," she remarked evenly. She skated off the ice. "I need a water break. I'll come with you." Jacques nodded once as they walked side-by-side to the locker room. "I've been helping Rachel with her skating lately."

Jacques smiled. "I've always told you that..."

"...I have a soft spot for her, I know," finished Josée, with a roll of her eyes. "For someone who says I should venture out more and make more friends, you tease me a lot for the friends I do have." Not to mention her boyfriend Claude, which was still a rocky subject between the two, but at least Jacques wasn't actively hating him like last time.

"I think it's adorable, actually."

Josée pouted at him. "I. Am. Not. Adorable," she articulated. Of course, Jacques couldn't help but chuckle. "What's so funny?!"

"You're contradicting!" Jacques proclaimed, still chuckling. "You say you're not adorable yet you have this pout on your face-"

"Jacques..."

"And those puppy dog eyes, ah, who could forget that?"

Josée playfully shoved him. "I don't understand how I put up with you - RACHEL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Josée and Jacques had gotten to the locker room to be greeted with a horrifying sight; Rachel was looking in the mirror with a pair of scissors mid-way through her hair, with the intention to cut it.

Rachel looked at them from the mirror, unfazed. "It's time that this sport is less focused on vanity and more on the sport itself."

Jacques was so shocked that he couldn't think of what to say at first, still staring at the scissors in Rachel's hand. "This isn't the way to do it! You wouldn't dare chop your hair off, that's your career!"

"Well I want people to focus more on my skating rather than my looks," Rachel said, matter-of-factly. "That's what Josée said."

"Not like that," Josée retorted, through clenched teeth. "It's tradition that female skaters have long hair! You can't just screw with tradition!"

Rachel smiled from the mirror. "Watch me."

And in a dramatic fashion, Rachel cut a huge chunk of her luscious blonde hair. Jacques let out a high-pitched gasp, while Josée covered her mouth, her eyes wide. They watched in horror as Rachel smoothed out her hair that was now above her shoulders, admiring her new look.

"Those drugs have screwed with your brain," Josée remarked at last in disbelief.

"It's called making a statement," Rachel stated coolly. "I don't get why you're so upset about this, you go on and on about the research you and I look at about figure skating, and about how the ISU has a terrible history-"

Josée folded her arms. "Because I never 'made a statement' rebelling against them like you are." She went on to explain: "Jacques and I would never do that because it would cost us competitions, because unfortunately not only vanity plays a role in it - but politics has always been prominent in figure skating. You don't see it now, but you will. When you rebel it will cost you a competition, and when you keep losing competitions, you will lose sponsorships, and when you lose sponsorships, you lose money."

Josée took another breath, briefly realizing how much she sounded like Isaac before brushing it away. "There is nothing more in the world that I want more than for figure skating to be stripped of all of that nonsense and for the ISU to focus on the footwork on ice itself, but it won't. Look at Surya Bonaly. She didn't have your look. She was a muscular skater and didn't have the 'graceful' appearance the ISU wanted, and yet she was the only person to be able to perform a backflip and land on one foot because she was so athletic. The ISU hated her because they would rather have dainty skaters than actual athletes like she was, and... now I'm not saying that the ISU is racist, but if you looked at her scores and compared it to her performances, you'll see she was insanely underscored, and the other skaters that weren't black didn't have this issue, it seemed strange to me. You and I are lucky that we won't have this problem."

"All of this over hair, Josée?"

"It's more than just hair!" Josée snapped at Rachel. "You have the look of the 'ice princess' that they want - or should I say, had. White, Long blonde hair, dainty, graceful, and traditionally pretty. You're throwing that part away just to make a statement as you put it. Surya Bonaly rebelled too, by doing that illegal backflip as a 'fuck you!' to the ISU - which I did enjoy watching, I'm not going to lie - but it damaged her career. And by doing something like this - as minor as it may seem to you - is going down a bad road."

Jacques, who had been watching in admiration, felt his stomach oddly flip when Josée spoke so passionately about ice dancing. Her love for it was so contagious, even though sometimes he wasn't one hundred percent of aware of the things she spoke about, so she had to break it down for him. Jacques never really understood the politics behind figure skating, but he figured that she was right - Josée was always right when it came to things like this. But what he did know was the way that she looked when she talked about ice dancing; she was animated, that's for sure - her eyes having that certain twinkle that he would hardly see for anything else. Though Jacques couldn't deny that Josée was emotional sometimes, when it came to something so dear to her as ice dancing, that was very well an exception that no one could dare cross.

Moments like these - Jacques felt very conflicted when it came to Josée, for more reasons than one.

Rachel, for the first time, turned back around to face Josée with an unbothered grin. "Maybe I should dye my hair purple to spite you."

Josée huffed. "Fine, it's your funeral."

"It was a joke."

"I mean you might as well do it!" Josée retorted. "You're treating figure skating as a joke, when for some of us..." She pointed to herself and Jacques, "It's our career. It's our livelihood - we have put so much blood, sweat, and tears into this sport in hopes of making it to the olympics one day. Do you know how many times I've considered getting a nose job to make me look prettier? How I've thought of dyeing my hair? Hell, you reprimanded me for not eating, but do you know why I did those things in the first place?"

Jacques visibly winced; he was very, very conflicted.

Rachel sighed frustratedly. "Well there's no use trying to fix it now," she said, gesturing to her new style. She grabbed her bag, along with her skates, and said before leaving: "I have to go meet Viktor. I guess I'll see you guys later." And then she left.

Once she was out of earshot, Josée muttered a fair amount of swears under her breath. "She's unbelievable. She's just throwing it away."

Jacques, however, wasn't as concerned with Rachel at the moment. "Josée," he started off gently, "You do know you're pretty, right?"

Josée rolled her eyes and scowled. "Of course I know that."

"I mean it."

"Yes, I know, Jacques..."

"One of the prettiest girls I know," Jacques said, before he realized it. Josée raised her eyebrows in surprise; he's never said that to her before. Jacques averted his eyes, out of embarrassment, and cleared his throat. He went over to his locker and got out his skates, closing it. "We should go to the rink. Isaac's waiting."

"Oh, yes, absolutely!" Josée remarked too quickly, her voice at a higher pitch than usual. Neither of the two spoke on the way there.

Isaac clasped his hands together. "Great," he told Josée and Jacques on the rink, after they did another run-through of their program, "I'll see you both tomorrow?"

"Oui," both ice dancers said simultaneously.

"Wonderful," their coach remarked, "We're also going to try it in the costumes you've both designed, yes?"

"Mhm, we'll come in our costumes already so we can get started," Josée stated.

Isaac nodded once. "Très bien. See you soon."

Jacques and Josée waved goodbye as they skated off the ice. When Jacques eyed Josée as they walked side-by-side to the locker room, he noticed that she bore an unusually cold expression; though Jacques assumed that it was from today's argument with Rachel, he had no choice but to ask her what was wrong. "Josée?"

"Today was good," Josée told him, "I think our turns are improving."

Jacques nodded in agreement, but he knew avoidance when he heard it. "Oui." A pause, then: "Are you alright?"

They were in the locker room now.

The female ice dancer shook her head and took out an apple she had wrapped in a brown paper bag for a snack after practice. "It's so stupid."

"What's stupid?"

Josée sighed and took a bite from her apple, sitting on the bench. "Rachel is just... throwing away what she has. Because as much as I would love for the stupid ISU bias to go away, it's giving her a career, and I just know the press is going to vilify her for something like this."

Jacques sat down beside her. "You know, I always joke about you having a soft spot for Rachel, but..." he trailed off after seeing her glare at him impatiently. "...but why do you care so much? If it was any other skater-"

"She's already at an economic disadvantage," Josée interrupted critically, "I'm just trying to think about this rationally; figure skating is very expensive, so why would she make it harder for herself and..." She ran a distressed hand through her hair. "Maybe I'm... I'm... I don't know, maybe it's because she's sane compared to Alice and Clara, I don't want to see her fall. She is just so smart and capable and has so much potential and her stupid boyfriend is dragging her down. Speaking of her boyfriend, I know what I'm about to say is really awful, but I think..." she hesitated, before saying in a hushed tone: "I think she's using again."

Jacques frowned. "Josée, that's a bold accusation-"

"I know, I know it is... and I feel awful. But you know Viktor... and he uses a lot, too... because he's rich and can afford it. People talk about Rachel a lot in dance, you're not there anymore to hear it. The girls will go on and on about how trashy Rachel is for using, because she's not rich, while they do the same thing. It's just not fair and I don't understand it. She misses class sometimes, she'll leave early to be with him... it's not healthy."

"Chouchou, you don't know that..."

"She's been oddly distant lately," Josée pointed out. "And I know it's none of my business, but I can't help but care a little. I just do, okay? Because normally I'm a very selfish person-"

"No you aren't," Jacques cut in right away. Josée looked at him, mildly surprised - he had been doing that a lot today - and awaited an explanation. "A selfish person wouldn't care so much like you are about Rachel. You were the one that was patient with me when Bernadette died, when I acted like a jerk-"

"You were grieving, that's different."

Jacques shook his head. "Non, you are very selfless, Josée." Jacques never failed to be amazed by moments like these that left him conflicted regarding Josée, because he assumed he knew her better than most people, if not all - but then she'll drop a bombshell on him, such as degrading who she was as a person.

This was the same person who claimed to be annoyed by Alice and Clara, yet over the years have solved their petty arguments which Jacques would've ignored. This was the same person who would put up with those uglies in ballet class and still try to help them, even though they firmly believed in 'seniority' and put Josée down. This was the same person who was exceptionally kind to the incoming ninth graders and gave them advice in ballet class. This was the same person who although wasn't the best socially, would always take the time to sign autographs with him, and even try to be friendly with the much younger fans, even though she was very awkward with young children. This was the same person who put up with the ugly reporters, interviewers, and paparazzi who would ask gross questions.

In Jacques' eyes, Josée wasn't selfish at all. Not even close.

Jacques never quite understood these moments where she would have a low opinion of herself, but he always had an inkling feeling that her mother was behind it... no, correction - he was positive that it had to do with her mother.

Josée thought about this for a minute, taking his words in. Then she smiled gratefully. "Merci, Jacques."

Jacques smiled back, watching Josée take another bite of her apple - he was always glad to see her snacking after practice. "Of course, chouchou."

It was silence for a while, then Jacques spoke up again. "How are the instructor exams?"

Josée rolled her eyes. "Please. Remember when I made fun of you constantly for complaining about them?"

Jacques raised an amused eyebrow. "I'm assuming you're taking it back?"

"Indefinitely." Of course, Jacques chuckled at that. Josée had a ghost of a smile touch her lips. "It's annoying. We're obviously going to get gold in the next olympics, why does Isaac insist on us having a backup plan?"

Jacques shrugged. "Well, what do we do after we win the olympics in a few years?"

"Are you dumb?" Josée asked rhetorically. She slapped his arm playfully. "Win the next one, of course! Win as much gold as we can while we're in our prime!" She got up and threw away her apple in the trashcan nearby. She began to imitate him teasingly, "'What do we do after we win the olympics?' Do you hear yourself?"

Jacques mock-pouted and rose from his seat. "You're a bully."

Josée laughed at his expression. "Don't be like those reporters that ask stupide questions," she advised lightly. It was then she checked the time. "Should we get going?"

"Oui," agreed Jacques. As he and Josée exited the building, they unfortunately came within distance of Leo and Liv at their usual spot leaning against the building. Josée's nose crinkled in displeasure while Jacques blinked at the smoke rising from the cigarettes the rival skaters held in their hands. "Didn't Isaac yell at you last time for smoking out here?" Josée resisted the urge to facepalm at her partner's actions; why on earth would he provoke them?

Liv and Leo stopped leaning against the building at once, glaring at the pair. "I know you of all people aren't going to narc," Leo remarked snidely. "Like you didn't have a habit."

Jacques glared at him. "It was for a few weeks, then I decided it didn't suit me."

"Eh," Josée cut in, a little hesitantly with a tone that suggested otherwise. Jacques stared at her in disbelief. "It was more like a month."

Jacques gaped at her. "A few weeks," he corrected.

"Jacques, I'm not stupid, I could smell the cigarettes off of you then," Josée replied bluntly, rolling her eyes. "I just didn't say anything."

"Because he was mourning," Liv added, with a smirk. "Poor thing."

Josée watched as Jacques' expression darkened considerably, before turning back to Liv. "You are a bitch," she sneered at the older female ice dancer, like she realized this for the first time. Josée took Jacques' hand and squeezed comfortingly, which shocked her partner briefly, but squeezed her hand back. "I hope your asses get kicked this season."

"I hope you don't gain a few pounds like you did last season," Liv retorted, with a malicious glint in her eyes, "It's a miracle you can fit into those costumes."

Much like the last time Liv went after her weight, Josée's eyes welled up with tears. At an instant, Jacques got into Liv's face. "How dare you speak to Josée in such a way!" he screamed at her. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Leo approaching him but Jacques easily shoved him away and focused on Liv, who looked just as mad as him: "You're just jealous that she has more poise and grace in her pinky than you have in your entire body!"

"You wouldn't know poise and grace if it stabbed you in the stomach," Liv hissed at him, fully aware of the words she was using.

Jacques' right fist began to shake; it took all his energy and composure to keep himself from striking her across the face. "Are you... mocking... my sister's death?" he made sure to articulate very, very slowly - however his words could cut through glass.

Liv's smirk disappeared, and she actually backed away from him. She turned to Leo, clearing her throat awkwardly. "Let's go. We have practice." She put out the cigarette against the building, Leo doing the same, before they departed to skate. Jacques closed his eyes and leaned against the wall and began to count from ten. He managed to calm himself down after that, exhaling. The same, however, couldn't be said for Josée - who let out a small whimper.

At an instant, Jacques was by her shaking frame. She was still deeply upset from Liv's words from earlier, he could tell. "Chouchou, it's not true, you're fine, and - chouchou!" His attempts to comfort Josée had gone south when she cut him off mid-sentence by letting out a frustrated scream and punched the building repeatedly with her fist. "Josée, stop it!" He rushed over to pull her away from the wall from her waist. "You're going to hurt yourself." Eventually Josée started to wince, probably because the adrenaline wore off and she was really starting to feel the pain from her hand, shaking it roughly. Jacques slowly put her back down on the ground as she continued to wince from the injury.

Isaac flew outside to see what the commotion was about. "I heard screaming-" he stopped mid-sentence when he saw Josée and her hand starting to bruise. "Oh crap. Do you need an ice pack?" Josée nodded desperately, cradling her injured hand with her other. Isaac went back inside and hurried back as quick as he could with an ice pack, which Josée put on her injured hand. "What the hell happened?" Josée and Jacques gave them a look that said they weren't going to talk about it, thus, Isaac sighed. "Look, whatever it was... whoever it was..." Isaac turned to Josée to make sure she especially was paying attention. "No matter how dear you hold them, or how much you hate them... I don't know... it shouldn't warrant a strong reaction like this. Control your temper," he advised at last, then walked back inside.

Jacques turned back to Josée, who had sniffled and was unable to wipe her tears due to having no free hands. "We should go to my house," he suggested gently. "My maman can take a look at your hand." Josée sniffled again, still shaking a bit from Liv's harsh words along with her injury, but nodded. They both departed from the rink without saying another word to each other.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Josée hissed, drawing back from the pain as Jacques' mother inspected her hand in their living room on the sofa, while Jacques leaned against a wall nearby and watched from there. Unfortunately, situations like these weren't unfamiliar; as Fleur over the years with her nursing skills have patched Josée's injuries from her tantrums. "Ow!"

"Almost done, sweetheart, I'm sorry..." Fleur clicked her tongue a few times in disapproval and shook her head. "You're very lucky you didn't break any bones, dear."

Josée yanked her hand away from Fleur's grasp and cradled it in her own again. "There, I'm fine."

"Not so fast," Fleur cut in, shaking her head adamantly. She turned to her son. "Jacques, get the first aid kit."

"Fleur..." Josée proceeded to whine as Jacques presumably went to get said kit. "It's nothing-"

"Your hand is still badly bruised," Fleur pointed out sternly, as Jacques handed her the first aid kit. "It could swell. I'm going to wrap your knuckles up." Fleur sighed when she heard Josée groan and winced at her fixing her hand. "You have to learn how to get a hold of that temper of yours," she advised softly. When she saw Josée's expression grow sad and uncomfortable, she turned back to Jacques with an accusing look. "What did you do?"

Jacques gaped. "What?! What makes you think that?!"

"I'm sure you did something."

Josée giggled a little. "Don't worry, Fleur. He's innocent for once." Jacques scowled at her and in return, Josée playfully stuck her tongue out at him.

"It was stupid drama," Jacques said.

"Drama at the rink?" A new voice entered, belonging to Gabrielle who had just gotten home, who turned to Josée. "Was your mother swearing at the other mothers again?"

"That was a week ago, get over it," snapped Josée.

"What happened to your hand?" Gabrielle asked, then her eyes lit up hopefully. "Did you finally give your bitch of a mother a piece of your mind? Oh, that would be rich-"

Josée gasped in horror. "I would never strike my maman!"

"...though it wouldn't be bad if you did."

"What?" Josée asked, turning to the person who had mumbled that, but she hadn't quite heard what was said.

Fleur looked like a deer-in-the-headlights, then proceeded to laugh nervously. "What?" she echoed.

"Oh, um... nothing I guess," said Josée. "Are you almost done?"

"Almost," answered Fleur, finishing up the wrapping. "There you go. Try to refrain yourself from punching things... or people..."

Josée retreated her hand from Jacques' mother. "Merci."

Fleur smiled warmly. "No problem," she said, rising from her seat. "Hold on second." She went to the kitchen and returned with a piece of candy. "For you."

Josée scowled while Gabrielle snickered, and even Jacques couldn't help but hide a smile. "I'm not a child, and I hate sweets." Fleur held it out again and gave Josée a knowing look. Josée eyed the candy with distrust, and grabbed it with her good hand. "...You won't tell maman, right?" Fleur smiled encouragingly. Josée unwrapped it and popped it in her mouth. "...My blood sugar is low." Gabrielle snickered again, shook her head, and departed to her room.

"Or maybe it's because cherry is your favorite flavor," Jacques teased.

"Oh shut up."

"You can stay for dinner later if you'd like," Fleur offered kindly. "That is, if Louise is okay with it."

"Mmm, no thank you," Josée declined politely, "I would, but I promised I would go meet Claude."

Out of the corner of Fleur's eye, she saw her son roll her eyes very quickly. "Oh right, Claude! Your boyfriend."

Josée allowed a small smile. "Oui. We've been together for a little over a year now!"

As terrible as it sounded, Jacques was amazed that they lasted that long. Although he wasn't too fond of Claude - something he had been trying hard to hide lately - Jacques could understand why their relationship worked; he and Josée were hard-working individuals that put their passions first, and each other would be second. Josée would talk once about how talented and how 'eccentric' he was as an artist, and that she liked him very, very much and enjoyed being with him. Jacques didn't want to admit it; but he was glad that Josée had never mentioned the other 'L' word to him regarding Claude. Jacques, however, didn't understand the appeal over how Claude's dedication enthralled her - especially over something as stupid as the duck instrument - and besides, he was dedicated too! And he had known her longer!

...Feelings like this, once again, have put Jacques in a conflicted position.

But more on that later.

"I'm assuming it's going well?" Fleur pressed gently.

Josée nodded eagerly. "I think so. Maman seems to think he's okay. She and Claude got along fairly well... he thinks that she's a strong woman that cares about me." At this, Jacques and his mother couldn't help but frown. Josée, however, was oblivious to this and went on: "I like him a lot... we argue sometimes, because, what couples don't argue?"

Fleur's expression was unreadable, but she forced a laugh. "You're definitely right about that last part."

Josée got up from her seat when she saw the time. "I should get going. Thank you again, Fleur." She was about to leave, now a few feet away from the door, before she turned around and walked up to Jacques. "Merci, Jacjac." She wrapped her arms around him comfortably. "For today. You're an asset to the team."

Jacques was taken aback by her initiating affection every time she did it, especially when it was around other people. He stared at her head, blinking in shock, before returning the hug. "Of... of course, chouchou.." he didn't know why he stammered on his words a bit. Josée let go after several seconds. "I'll see you tomorrow." She exited the house.

Jacques' eyes lingered at that spot. Why did she have to go to Claude's?

Better question, why did she have to make him feel things that he didn't understand?

"Jacques, are you alright?"

The ice dancer blinked and removed his eyes from that spot to see his mother staring at him with concern. He nodded far too quickly. "Oui, I'm fine... I'm just... thinking."

"About?"

"Josée," Jacques replied. His mother gave him a look that said to elaborate, so he did: "Maman, I'm worried. Any boy that could get along with that awful woman is ah... how do you say it... a red flag! Part of why Josée and I fought last time was not just because of the senior competition last March! A lot of it had to do with her boyfriend, and he... he has a lot of say over what she does, like he's trying to control her or something, and it reminds me of her maman in a way!" Jacques was now ranting, clenching his fist to his side trying to stop his frustration taking over. "I'm not crazy for thinking that, non? She easily forgives him. But I can't say anything or else we'll get into an argument, and we've been getting along so well lately... I don't want to ruin what we have. But at the same time, I don't want him to hurt her, because I know it's coming, I can feel it!"

Jacques stopped his rant with heavy breathing, running a distressed hand through his hair. "There's no way to win."

Fleur, who had been listening carefully to her son's concern, smiled knowingly. "Josée is very lucky to have a friend like you. You're so lucky to have each other. You care about her so much as a friend looking out for her, as always."

Beat.

"...Oui," Jacques eventually said quietly, a bit awkward under her gaze. "As a friend."

"Jacques, are you... are you implying she's... more than a friend to you?" Fleur put delicately.

"Non, it's not like that. You know I've only had boyfriends."

Fleur considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Right. Just know Jacques, whatever you are, your papa and I will always support you."

Despite there being many things that Jacques wasn't sure of, he was positive that what his mother said couldn't be more wrong. "You will," he corrected bitterly.

"So will your father," Fleur said determinedly, "A lot has changed since Bernadette died-"

"Maman, stop saying she died. She was murdered-"

"Honey..."

"What's your point?" Jacques asked, trying to ignore the hurt look in his mother's eyes.

"My point is," his mother began delicately, "...is that we support whatever you are, and yes, that includes your father."

Jacques couldn't help but feel a little annoyed. As much as he loved his maman, she had too much of that unique ability to see right through his inner turmoil and conflict. Those annoying 'knowing' looks she gave him irked him in a way he was never irked by others. A mother always knows, his mother would say... but what about mothers like Josée? Surely she didn't know everything; especially when it came to treating Josée right. He could treat her right. He always treated her right, he...

...He needed some air.

"I need to go," Jacques decided at once, without saying goodbye to his mother - he had a lot of thinking to do.

Josée didn't like the phrase "butterflies in the stomach" when it came to being with someone. Alice had used this phrase a lot, Rachel used this phrase a lot, and even Clara mentioned that she got this feeling from time-to-time. Josée only liked the phrase and thought it was appropriate to use before a performance when you were nervous; it just showed how much you cared about doing well. When it came to liking Claude - which she did, a great deal - she preferred the term "comfortable."

Because she was. Maybe she was starting to understood Alice's perception of romance that she was starting to warm up to Claude a little more. Josée didn't understand why it was taking her so long to get intimate with Claude, but she felt like she could get closer to him. Hell, when she and Claude first started going out she was so skittish and unsure.

Now, however, she seemed a little more sure. She knew that she liked him a lot. She had come a long way since they started to date.

Here she was, a lot more comfortable laying down on Claude's bed while he kissed her from above, his hands occasionally running through her hair. It also helped that Claude liked taking things slow as well. Alice remarked that he was one of the good guys, that most guys want to rush into things. Josée was glad Claude wasn't like that.

When Claude gently pulled away from her, Josée positively beamed. Claude smiled back at her, with an unrecognizable look in his eyes, and said: "I have to tell you something."

Jacques remembered very well what happened when he came out as gay to the public.

For a then sixteen-year-old in the figure skating world, this was controversial for many reasons.

First things first, he didn't plan on coming out - but the pressure the reporters had hinting about him in relationships with men was becoming more and more persistent, so he made a very, very bold move and did so. Although figure skating had been called a "gay" sport - or sometimes wouldn't even be referred to as a sport - the judges and institutions revolving around skating were pretty conservative in nature. Josée told him they would use phrases like "family-friendly" but in reality was blatant intolerance.

There had been openly gay skaters before, but there was the risk of judges being, well, intolerant - and Josée mentioned that this was how politics played a role in figure skating, with judges holding certain prejudices that could affect the score. Though judges claimed to be unbiased, everyone involved in skating knew it simply wasn't true.

So it was an incredibly brave thing for Jacques to come out. And he was proud of that.

But then there were these moments about his feelings were conflicted; because sometimes he would see a beautiful girl and imagine her in a romantic way and wondered if he liked that girl in attempts to tip-toe back into the closet again, that he was faking his attraction, or maybe it was to get the approval of his father, Jacques didn't know...

Josée sat upright so she was facing Claude properly, still smiling. "Is everything alright?"

Claude hummed a bit to himself, sitting cross-legged on the bed while he looked at her with his eyes shining, giving a nervous smile. "Oui, everything's fine, it's just..." he trailed off, averting his eyes away from her.

Josée's smile faded a little after that, because it was rare that Claude would look so... apprehensive. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no!" Claude said quickly, his eyes wide. "You did nothing wrong. I just have to tell you something important."

She could tell he was nervous. "You can tell me anything, Claude," Josée tried to reassure, with a tiny grin.

Claude reached over to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Well, we've been together a little over a year now..."

...it bugged Jacques immensely because, on the other hand, he had risked so much to come out as gay. He risked his father's approval of him - which Jacques assumed he would never get anyway but still - he risked not only his entire career, but Josée's career as well if he really thought about it.

Another major purpose of ice dancing had to do with interpreting a romance between two skaters telling a story through dancing on the ice.

Because of Jacques coming out publicly, people don't see him and Josée in that manner, really - or maybe reporters and the press would push that narrative, it depended.

The thing was, it did bother Jacques that people wouldn't see them that way, and he hated that it bothered him because it's not something that should bother him. He had worked the courage to come out, and, he felt like he was denying who he was if he did think a woman is attractive.

In this case, it was Josée.

"I know I can tell you anything," Claude said, with that smile. Although Josée still hadn't quite warmed up to him like most girlfriends warmed up to their boyfriends after a little over a year, but she could at least appreciate how attractive he was; well, at least to her. One of the first things Josée noticed about Claude - other than him knocking into her on that day they met - was his eyes, that they were pretty.

Josée wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him closer to her. "Well go on then, spit it out."

There was nothing he could say that could alarm her, Josée supposed, unless it was him breaking up with her, of course. But it didn't seem like he was going to do that. He was nervous, yes, but there was something in his eyes that told him that it was something that had nothing to do with breaking up; this was important to him.

And then he said it: "I love you, Josée."

Josée... always confused Jacques.

Maybe it was the infamous "dance trap" in which you get caught in a moment so intimate and close with your partner in a dance that you think you like them, or maybe it was because they've known each other for so many years. But then he remembered he felt the same off the ice, that he did like being with her, and frankly, Nathaniel did express frustration whenever he chose Josée over him to go for an extra practice with her. A few other lovers expressed the same frustration; but none of them understood.

Hell, he didn't understand. Was he attracted to her?

But then Jacques thought about his lovers and they all said that they pretended to like a girl to feel some sort of acceptance. So if Jacques thought he felt something toward a girl; it was like an act of betrayal for what he's worked hard to come out as gay to people he knew, hell, to the world, practically.

It's not a case of choosing between men and women, because he knew he definitely liked men. There was no question about that, but the second he considered seeing a woman he wouldn't mind being intimate with, he felt shame. Maybe it was like Nathaniel said, maybe he was subconsciously going back into the closet... and that he was faking the attraction.

Jacques groaned. So he couldn't love her even if he wanted to, he figured. Besides, Josée was in a committed relationship with Claude...

Josée froze.

It took her a few seconds to process that meaningful statement. Claude said he loved her. He said that he loved her. Josée, in that moment, did feel butterflies in her stomach, but for all the wrong reasons. She remembered being told how much of a big deal it was when being told that someone loved you, and the look in Claude's eyes told Josée that he wasn't joking about it in the slightest; and that frightened her.

"And because I love you..." Josée felt heat rise in her cheeks as Claude went on, "I think we should... try... it."

Beat.

Josée let the works sink in, knowing what "it" entailed, and how it was an entirely big deal. Well, most people didn't think that it was a big deal - except for when the gossip about Nathaniel and Jacques leaked out - but to Josée it was. While most people in her school slept around for the sake of sleeping around - and she holds no judgement against those people - but she just couldn't do it. Josée wasn't going to sleep with anyone she just liked, she wanted to be positive and in love.

And right now, looking at Claude, Josée simply wasn't.

"I'm sorry," Josée uttered at last, his cheeks red as she averted her eyes. "I... I didn't know you felt so strongly about me." She felt her heart shatter when she saw the disappointment in her boyfriend's eyes. "No, Claude... wait. I do like you. I like you a lot, it's that... I'm not sure if I'm ready for something like that."

Jacques had no chance. No chance at all.

Obviously he was gay and couldn't love her even if he wanted to, and obviously Josée was happy with the relationship she had so he couldn't interfere with that. Despite that both of these things were critical and seemed justified as to why Jacques figured he couldn't really be attracted to Josée, it frustrated him so.

Because the fact was - though he had tried to deny it - that he was jealous. To be fair, he was jealous of anyone, or, in fact anything that Josée had given a lot of attention to that wasn't himself. Jacques had gathered up the courage and took so long to come out as gay; and his father went through trying to accept him, so if he went back Jacques felt he did all of that for nothing if he wasn't. Nathaniel had said that he was lucky; saying that many people who claimed they were bisexual before they learned they were gay had to go through that struggle of figuring out who they truly were - Jacques had skipped those steps.

Or did he?

Jacques groaned. It. Was. Too. Complicated.

Besides, Jacques wasn't about to go back in the closet for someone that would never like him. Then he found himself wondering why he cared so much in the first place.

And that settled in the back of his mind.

Josée awaited for his response. Something shifted in Claude's eyes, yet another thing she couldn't so easily read. He cleared his throat, and gave her a smile, "That's okay, Josée. We'll... we'll take things slow."

For some reason, this sounded less sincere than when he first said they could take things slow. Josée, however, smiled back gratefully - however, with a bit of hesitance. "Really? Are you sure you aren't mad? Because... I can see myself with you, just not now. Maybe in the future? You know how... these things take time for me."

Beat.

Claude was smiling, but his eyes were not. "Of course, mon chaton."

Josée could see herself being intimate with him. She was attracted to him in that manner, she knew that - but she wasn't attracted to him in the sense of feeling butterflies of the stomach. She wasn't attracted to him in the sense like all those romantic movies talked about; she knew she felt... strong feelings for him, but it wasn't anything like those movies (at least, not yet) But she firmly believed, for her first time to be enjoyable, she had to fall in love. Hypothetically, she could be intimate with him, and maybe that could lead her to developing feelings - but this was personal, it was important.

It. Was. So. Complicated.

Maybe she would fall in love with him. Josée knew that she was starting to get more serious with him, that this wasn't just a regular relationship, it could be something special.

But she had one major thought.

This was taking entirely too long than what her friends had experienced. If Josée couldn't love fall in love with Claude, then she was incapable of falling in love with anyone else.

And that settled in the back of her mind.