Bart Stops To Smell The Roosevelts Bart pranks the School's Aquatic themed fundraiser by impersonating a British old spinster called Edith Knickertwist. Later while thinking of a suitable punishment for him, Skinner is fed up with being belittled by Chalmers and goads him if he thinks Bart is so easy to deal with he should personally teach Bart. Gary Chalmers was once a teacher...
Eventually he gets through to Bart and gets him interested in learning about Teddy Roosevelt.
Plot
The title gag is Arnie Pye flying the weather helicopter. He falls out of the chopper and screams as he falls.
The Billboard gag is. "Learn to speak parrot." With a picture of Captain McAllister. How about learn to speak Sea Dog? Arrrrrr!
The Chalkboard gag is "It's too early to speculate about the 2016 general election.
"Trump wins!" Oscar yelled.
Bart frowns at him.
The couch gag is illustrated by John Kricfalusi. The artist who created Ren and Stimpy. Matt is now collaborating with other cartoonists...
The Simpsons in the style of Ren and Stimpy characters are sat on the couch. Bart for some odd reason in this universe doesn't wear shorts or underwear... Also he sits on the couch like a cat or a small dog.
"BEEEEEEEEER!" Homer suddenly yells, startling everyone.
Marge suddenly gets up and goes to fetch him a beer. She makes odd cartoony sounds as she walks. She jiggles about with her buxom buttocks etc...
"Oooooooh I love watching that woman fetch me a beer..." said Homer aroused by Marge's hips and buttocks.
Bart metaphorically becomes a flaming demon because metaphors are illustrated literally in Kricfalusi's style. He cackles and puts a whoopee cushion where Homer was sitting.
Homer sits on it. It farts. Homer blushes when Marge glares at him.
Bart laughs.
Homer strangles him. "Why you little!"
But this time hard enough that Bart goes purple and dies. "D'oh!" Homer groans.
They all sit quietly, ignoring Bart who is dead.
...
The Episode opens at the school. There is an aquatic themed School Fundraiser debacle.
The sign reads. "This year's theme, Drowning in Debt."
"They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don't need for kids we didn't want." said Homer chuckling.
The kids gasp and stare slack-jawed. They then burst into tears. All of them, Bart, Lisa, Hugo, Maggie, Eric and Oscar.
"Oh Homeeeeerrrrr!" Marge yelled.
"D'ooooooh! Okay! Okay! We wanted all our kids and we love them very much!" Homer stammered.
The kids stop crying.
There is an octopus attacking s yellow submarine. It is holding bills in each of its tentacles.
"Holy mother of cheese! It's a metaphor!" Oscar yelled.
"How's this for a metaphor!" Cousin Hank growled as he punched Oscar in the gut.
"Oof! Jerk!" Oscar wheezed.
They go into the school the hall has been given a nautical theme too.
The kids gasp in awe.
"Under the seeeeeeeeeaaaaa... Under the seeeeeeaaaaaa!" Homer sang.
"Dad no!" Bart groaned.
"Wow they really went out this year on the decorations..." said Hugo.
...
They soon arrive in the Gym, which Homer pronounces with a hard G.
"Wow- the gym ropes are seaweed, the basketball nets are fishing nets..." said Lisa.
Sea Captain McAllister climbs a ladder and cuts open one of the nets. Colourful plastic fish tumble out.
"Yarr! Just plastic." he sighed. "Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean." He takes the plastic fish, planning to serve them at his restaurant the Frying Dutchman.
Oscar gives a freaked out, bug-eyed look.
Hugo shrugs and picks up a plastic fish and gnaws it. Oscar sighed at him.
"Anyhoo... Because Hank's pissworn asshat of a creator got triggered and deleted the original copy of my script I shall annoy them further by going on and on about the fact I am wearing a diaper instead of underwear. Diapers! Diapers! Diapers! I'm wearing a diaper!" said Oscar constantly saying the word diaper.
Cousin Hank, The ball-less jerk of 69 days ago and 1872Ass-man the kink shamers seethed and screamed in a tantrum.
Bart sighed.
Mrs Krabappel was running a stall. She was dressed as a mermaid.
"Nice costume Mrs Krabappel." said Lisa politely.
"Why thank you Lisa. See? People do like my costume Ned..." said Mrs Krabappel to her boyfriend Ned Flanders.
Ned muttered and huffed. "Edna that's not the sort of costume you wear out! Or even indoors! Or in a dream! Not even a dirty dream! Which I don't have!" He ranted, being a prude.
Homer did a "He's crazy..." gesture.
"Buy a Springfield Elementary T-shirt?" Mrs Krabappel asked.
"I don't want people to know my kids go to this lousy school." Homer scoffed.
"We also have T-shirts from other schools." Mrs Krabappel, not taking offence to Homer insulting the school. She held up a box filled with three different coloured shirts rolled up. They were for... Springfield Andover, Phillips Springfield Academy and Waverly Hills.
"Oooooooh! The kids can were these to the nice mall!" said Marge.
Bart winced.
...
Homer went off in a huff, clearly making it obvious he finds the local, yet affordable school lousy. Yet we won't fork out to send his kids to better schools... Unless the episode is about that happening...
Alvin the Executive Producer decides to carry on the T-shirts from other, better schools gag. Wearing it out like a tired, repetitive Family Guy gag.
"Hey!" Peter Griffin yelled annoyed.
"Oh look! Springfield Preparatory School!" said Alvin. Greta Wolfcastle's school Lisa briefly transferred to. "Cloisters Academy." Another expensive school Lisa transferred to. She only got in because Marge agreed to do all the laundry for all of the students. Also Oscar kept insisting the school was named after the Pokemon Cloyster...
"Rommelwood Military School." That military school Bart was sent to as punishment for creating that huge sound wave...
"Miss Tillingham's School for Snooty Girls and Mama's Boys." A school for the musically gifted Lisa and Oscar briefly went to in Lisa's Sax.
"Morningwood Academy." Where Sideshow Mel's son attends. Hehehehe... Morning Wood...
"Yeah that's quite enough... Alvin..." Oscar sighed.
The family looked at the nautical decorations that were obviously hinting for them to give money, now!
"The school sure is money grabbing..." said Oscar.
There was a sad looking whale with IOUs pouring up and out of his blowhole in a geyser like manner.
And an old fashioned deep see diver that was holding a sign that read "Please Kelp!"
Oscar laughed. "Please kelp... It's funny because it rhymes..."
Bart sighed exasperated. "Unnnnngh..."
"Where's Nemo?" Ralph asked.
"Ralph we can't used unauthorised use of copyrighted characters..." said Skinner.
...
Soon the auction began.
So there was an auction. Skinner was dressed as a sailor.
"Ha! Told you I could make you wear that, Seymour!"" said Agnes.
"Mother..." Skinner sighed.
Everyone was sat for the auction.
"And now it's time for lights, cameras, auction! Hahahaha!" Skinner chuckled at his stupid pun. "No cameras, please.
"That joke sucked!" Homer yelled.
"First item up for bid is always a favourite, lunch with Principal Skinner!" announced Skinner.
Everyone was silent or coughed in disinterest.
"Mmmmmm! Steamed hams that taste suspiciously like Krusty Burgers..." moaned Oscar, rubbing his tummy.
"Yes, very funny Oscar. I was actually planning something different this year..." Skinner sighed.
Everyone wasn't interested.
"Everyone knows you can't cook Skinner..." Oscar heckled.
Marge hushed him.
"I'll just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell." remarked Skinner.
"Next up is this delightful workbench crafted by second grade in wood shop class!" announced Skinner, displaying a poorly built bench what had written in it "Ralph" in red letters, some of which were backwards.
"That Ralph took all the credit for..." Lisa muttered, annoyed.
"Yes quite so... shall we start the bidding at a hundred dollars?" Skinner asked.
Some parents put their clam shell paddles up.
"Don't buy it! I bought one last year and it was crap construction!" Homer goaded.
"Homer, ssssssh! You're hurting our kids feelings!" Marge shushed.
"Yeah Dad! Twenty percent of the work on that bench was my own!" Lisa whined.
"Do I here fifty dollars?" Skinner asked.
"Panels down! It's the only way to change the system!" Homer cajoled.
"Homer! The school, our kids school needs that money desperately!" Marge said sharply.
Suddenly Skinner's phone rang. "Y'ello? Calling from England? Yes I can certainly put you on loud speaker!" said Skinner putting loud speaker on.
(Bart in a silly British accent): "Good evening! I am Edith Knickertwist! An eccentric old widow!"
Lisa rolled her eyes as she could tell exactly who the caller really was. After all his seat at the auction was empty...
"For this masterpiece I bid one thousand dollars!" said Edith Knickertwist. We cut to Bart in the hall on a school phone with Nelson and Jimbo laughing in the background.
Everyone gasped.
"Sold! To the mysterious and unverified Edith Knickertwist!" said Sinner.
"Next up, our school band, will play at a function of your choice!" said Skinner.
"I bid four thousand dollars!" said Edith Knickertwist.
Everyone gasped.
"Wow! Looks like our solar system will finally get an Earth!" said Skinner.
"Oh my god What planet are we on right now then if there's no Earth?!" Oscar yelled horrified.
"Well right now You're on the planet Idiot..." said Bart.
...
Later.
The song We're in the money! played as various things were sold for thousands to the rich widow Edith Knickertwist.
Including a shirtless lawn mowing session from Willie. Eeeeeew!
And a broken Krusty doll with his eye hanging out.
"I can never have too many Krusty dolls..." whispered Bart making sure he wasn't heard on the phone.
"Hehehe... dweeb..." Jimbo mocked him for having Krusty dolls still.
A get out of free jail certificate was being sold too, and a Mayor for a day sash.
"Aaaaand that concludes tonight's auction." said Skinner putting a sold tag on a basket of Edna's dry badly cooked muffins... "with a school record of sixteen thousand dollars!"
Everyone who came dressed in naval clothes like pirates and starfish etc cheered. "Hooray!"
"And we can thank our new windfall to our dear new friend on the phone Mrs-" said Skinner but someone cane in the gym.
"Ello luv!" said Bart in a silly British accent.
Oscar glared and steam shot out of his ears.
"I've got a bad feeling about this..." Skinner smelt a rat.
Obi Wan Kenobi from The Phantom Menace gawked at him.
"Hehehehe... references..." said Oscar.
"I'm Edith Knickertwist!" said Bart in a silly British accent. "And I've had a proper hardy ha at your expense! Mwuhahahaha!" Bart laughed in his real voice.
"Oh why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent?" Skinner sighed.
"Hey!" Oscar yelled annoyed.
"This boy has thrust upon us the motley of Tomfoolery!" said Sideshow Mel.
"I wore this all night for nothing?!" said Edna looking at her costume. Ned frowned at her.
"Well ain't that a fly (Pronounced Floy) in the ointment!" said Bart in his Edith Knickertwist voice chuckling.
Suddenly Oscar ran up to him and strangled him.
"I'll teach you to mock my country and it's amusing mannerisms!" Oscar snarled as he strangled Bart.
Bart gasped and wheezed begging Skinner to pull Oscar off of him.
"Well I think Bart's had his comeuppance..."
...
Everyone went home disappointed and annoyed.
"Mr Simpson! I know you're not our wealthiest of parents but surely you'll honour your son's enormous debt?!" Skinner asked.
Homer smiled. "Why of course Skinner. Even though I have no legal obligation to do so, it's the right thing to do!" Homer took out from his imaginary wallet some imaginary money. "Here's one thousand dollars, two thousand dollars... three thousand dollars..."
Skinner sighed at Homer mocking him.
"Oh I need more cash! Better go to the invisible ATM!" said Homer continuing to mock Skinner. "What?! Two dollar charge for using a nine network bank?! Oooooooh!" Homer sighed.
Skinner sighed too.
Oscar went on stage after releasing Bart and took the microphone. "Howdy folks! I'm a big fat dumb American! Just like you lot! I voted for a dangerous warmonger for our president! I'm a right Wally!"
Everyone jeered and booed.
"Alright! Alright! You made your point!" Bart yelled annoyed at Oscar.
Suddenly an old British upperclass Lady tottered in clicking her high heels as she walked.
"Good evening! I'm Edith Knickertwist! I apologise for my tardiness! My car broke down!" said the real Edith Knickertwist.
Everyone looked at her annoyed.
"Why is everyone staring?!" Edith asked.
Plot 2
Car journey home.
"Thanks for nothing Bart! You turned yet another evening out into a farce!" Lisa yelled.
Bart sighed. "Ugh..."
"Well boy you're in luck. We won't punish you tonight, Because Oscar already punished you." said Homer.
"Homer! We can't condone Oscar strangling our boy..." Marge nagged.
"He provoked me! He insulted my country!" Oscar yelled.
Bart frowned at Oscar.
...
The school faculty room, or staff room, the next day.
Skinneeeeeer!" Chalmers yelled the next morning in the staff room.
"Yes sir?" Skinner stammered.
"Just checking you were listening Seymour." said Super Intendant Chalmers.
"Oh." said Skinner.
"I was very please with your work last night Seymour!" said Super Intendant Chalmers.
"You were?!" Skinner asked.
"Nope. Fooled again." said Chalmers. Skinner sighed. "I'd say you were as dumb as a post, but at,ease you know how to put a sign on a post that says "Fresh strawberries. One mile!" Chalmers rudely insulted Skinner. "Last night was a complete and utter failure! You sold nothing at auction, and once again, little Bart Simpson has run rings around you with his childish pranks!"
But Chalmers wasn't finished with his tirade.
"You are a nitwit in an ill fitting suit!"
"I'll have you know I'm lop shouldered!" Skinner replied.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" said Chalmers.
"I said I'm lol shouldered!" Skinner yelled. "And I've been that way since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison!"
"I I I'm sorry! I I I di-didn't know that!" stammered Chalmers.
"Oh the list of things you don't know sir could fill a week's worth of morning announcements! With enough left over for a send home flyer!" Skinner ranted.
"There's no need for hyperbole Seymour!" Chalmers replied.
"I fought for my country and nearly died in Nam! What have you done?!" Skinner yelled.
"I grow flowers..." said Chalmers.
"If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you teach him yourself?!" Skinner ranted.
All the teachers cheered.
"You tell him Seymour!" said Mr Largo.
"As some guy said to some dude with a beard, Death to tyrants!" said a teacher in a purple Hawaiian shirt.
"You mean Booth and Lincoln?" Miss Hoover asked.
"I'm not the history teacher!" said the teacher in a purple Hawaiian shirt. "Anymore..."
Willie was also impressed with Skinner.
"Wow Skinner! So ye do have some stones in your leaf bag!" said Willie.
"Yes! In fact I'll call our carpet cleaning service and tell them our halls do not count as rooms!" said Skinner ringing someone. "Hello? Is André there? Oh yes I'll hold!" said Skinner confidently.
...
Skinner's office.
In Skinner's office Chalmers paced up and down humiliated by Skinner's tongue lashing. He ought to fire him there and then for speaking to him like that but instead he decided to call his bluff.
"Very well Seymour." said Chalmers leaning on Skinner's desk in a menacing manner. "I'll be Bart's personal teacher! And by God I'll teach that boy something!"
"Very well sir! Shall we make that a bet?" said Skinner proposing a wager.
"Yeah sure... just haul the little brat out of class..."
Bart was in class making fart noises with his armpits when there was a message over the speakers.
"Bart Simpson. You have been transferred from fourth grade to private tuition with Super Intendant Chalmers. You will report to my office every morning from now on." said Skinner.
"Ha!" Mrs Krabappel laughed.
Bart gulped.
The Smithsonian museum. Ben Stiller is a curator. That means the movie will be utter shite...
"Chilly, chilly, Chilly Willy the Penguin." said The curator.
"We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy!" Barney heckled.
"Sasshhhh! Sir please lower your voice... This is a museum..." said Ben Stiller's character the curator.
Barney, Cousin Barney and their tour go through an area dedicated to British history. Particularly British prime ministers.
"And here are the wimpy leaders of those tea sucking Limeys." said the tour guide. "This jerk here is Pitt the Elder."
"Lord Palmerston!" Barney's identical except blond cousin yelled.
"No sir, this is Pitt the Elder..." said the tour guide.
"Lord Palmerston!" Barney's cousin yelled.
The tour guide sighed.
Then the stuffed model of Teddy Roosevelt came to life!
"Good morning San Juan Hill!" He yelled, referencing Good Morning Vietnam!
Everyone gasped horrified.
"Hey Al! I'm the 26th president of the United States!" Teddy Roosevelt yelled in Robin Williams's voice.
Aladdin grimaced baffled.
...
Super Intendant Chalmers was in the men's toilets of the faculty washing his face and preparing himself. "Sure I can super Intend! I super intend like the wind! But teach?" He asked. "It been too long... and we all remember that day Gary..."
In a flashback a young Chalmers as a teacher arrived in a library. There are some students who resemble the main characters of the movie The Breakfast Club. Except they gave the girl a goth makeover...
"So you must be the so called breakfast club..." said Chalmers.
"Wrong room. We're the fight club!" said a student.
The students beat up their teacher Mr Chalmers and dance on him as he laid on the table as the song Don't you, forget about me plays.
A nerd grimaced.
"Oh dash it! The pain!" said a bust of Teddy Roosevelt.
The song Don't You by Simple Minds continues while the Breakfast, sorry Fight Club, dance on Chalmers.
In the present.
"Thank god they never went on to do anything else..." said Chalmers.
"Actually Simple Minds wrote quite a few songs..." said Oscar.
Chalmers sighed.
An inter-dimensional portal opens.
"What the?!" Chalmers gasped.
"Good news from the next world..." said an ethereal voice.
"And?" said Chalmers.
The Breakfast Club stepped out of the portal. "That's one of our other albums." They pummel and beat him up again.
Chalmers groans as they pummel him.
...
Bart Simpson was sat sulking in a library when Chalmers arrived with books and stuff to teach him.
"So, Simpson. You'll be studying with me now." said Chalmers as he sat down next to Bart.
"Same garbage, different dumpster..." said Bart rudely.
"He's not full of garbage, a sleeping hobo or Clownjas!" said Oscar picking out books to read.
Bart winced at Oscar's silliness.
"Um yes..." Chalmers sighed. "We'll start with American history." Chalmers put down a history book in front of Bart. Then he opened up a folded up piece of card with the pictures of the presidents insider. "Now, I'm sure you know who these gentlemen are..."
"One dollar guy." Bart pointed to George Washington. "Five dollar guy." Bart pointed to Abraham Lincoln. "Giant stone face number three." He pointed to Teddy Roosevelt. "Sesame Street Guy." He pointed out President Grover Cleveland. "Sex Guy." He pointed out Bill Clinton. "Will Ferrell..." he called George Bush Jr Will Ferrell. "Will Ferrell's dad, aka President Grumpypants who spanked me..." he pointed out George Bush Sr. "And... black guy..." he said pointing to Barack Obama.
Chalmers sighed at his smart Aleck attitude.
Then he saw Teddy Roosevelt and had an idea how to get through to Bart.
"Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy..." said Chalmers.
"I'd act like I'm interested, but deep down inside me I'd actually be bored..." said Bart.
"Well that's as good a place to start as any." said Chalmers.
Bart was given books on Theodore Roosevelt, including his book Theodore Rex. Which I'm sure Oscar would imagine is about Theodore from Alvin and the chipmunks as a dinosaur.
Bart was also on a Teddy Roosevelt website with earphones in listening to a speech by Teddy Roosevelt as he clicked on articles. Like the time Roosevelt was a boxer etc.
Chalmers then checked on Bart to see if he learned anything.
"Well Bart, did you learn anything today?" Chalmers asked.
"Yeah... This Roosevelt guy was sort of interesting! Did you know he was a colonel in the army?!" said Bart. And Bart was being sincere. He ends up a right geek throughout this episode just so Matt can throw Chalmers a bone and he can say "I told you so" to Skinner.
"You don't say..." said Chalmers smiling. Happy to see Bart pay attention for once.
"And one time, during a speech, he was shot by a saloon keeper! But Teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital!" said Bart.
There was a very surreal dream scene.
In a cowboy town of saloons and Indians everything was in old grey film.
"Aha! I am mad at you for some reason!" said Moe's ancestor and he shot Teddy in the chest.
Teddy removed the bullet and threw it into Moe's Great grandfather or something. Moe's ancestor died and instantly decomposed to a skeleton.
Teddy Roosevelt ripped off his skull and showed it to the townspeople. They instantly bowed before him in total respect and obedience. Then he bit and ate some of Moe's skull.
"Teddy! Teddy! Teddy! Teddy!" The townsfolk cheered.
Um... okay...
...
Bart was reading with Chalmers.
"I've never said this before but, I'd like to learn more." said Bart. Geek! "Wow! Teddy Roosevelt killed more Spaniards than most people do in their whole lives!" Omg!
Chalmers looked at his watch. It was closing time at the library.
"You know, I hate to say this Bart, but the library is about to close." said Chalmers.
"Really?" Bart was disappointed. "But I wanna learn more about trust busting!" Bart was doing karate kicks. "Take that standard oil! Hiyaaaa!"
Chalmers reassured Bart and calmed him down.
"Tomorrow son, tomorrow..." said Chalmers.
"Well I learned a lot today." said Bart. "Now, to go home and let TV rot it all away..."
"Uh uh uh." Chalmers interjected. By the way Transcriptsforevercommunism phonetically writes out this as Eh eh eh! Geez he's not Anne from Little Britain. Is he?
"Eh eh Eh!" Anne squawked and threw books everywhere.
Bart winced.
"Not so fast Bart. Teddy Roosevelt believed you could learn from books, but he also believed you could also learn from the great out doors! Nature and all that!"
"Wow! And I only thought teachers went outside to smoke and cry..." said Bart.
"Yes..." Chalmers sighed.
Elsewhere in the library. Ralph thought he was Wiggle Puppy again and was holding two books and flapping them up and down as wings.
A student library assistant sighed and face palmed.
Oscar was dancing to Everybody dance now. The song is playing from his ghetto blaster radio.
"Take it somewhere else, spaz." Bart sighed.
Oscar saw red as his pupils glow red. He lunged at Bart and strangled him. "DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Bart wheezed and gasped.
The simpsons attic. Homer sighed.
"Sweetie why are you up here?" Marge asked.
"Moe is dating at an 80s night and I need to see if I still fit into my 80s disco outfit... I'm his wing man."
"Hmmmm... Homer I doubt that fits you anymore..." said Marge.
Hugo was dressed as an American Persian pimp. "Does someone need a Persian wing man..."
"No Hugo! No disguises!" Homer yelled.
"Awwww... but that creepy naked alien from American Dad has disguises..." Hugo whined.
Homer winced.
"Okay, what's your alter ego's name..." said Homer.
"Rashid..." said Hugo as Rashid.
"Absolutely no way! Take that outfit off!" said Homer.
"But-"
"Take it off!" Homer yelled.
Hugo sighed and dressed down to his underwear. Then he put his worn and torn shirt and moth eaten shorts on.
School. Cafeteria.
Milhouse was eating. Bart arrived.
"What happened?" Milhouse asked.
"Superintendent Chalmers is teaching me now..." said Bart.
"And is it working?" Milhouse asked.
"Well I am strangely fascinated with Teddy Roosevelt for some reason." said Bart.
Plot 3
The next one to one lesson Chalmers took Bart out to the wilderness on horseback. But the wilderness and greenery was a national park.
"Son have you ever seen a horse your father wasn't betting on?" Chalmers asked riding on a horse.
"Well... I was a jockey once... no wait Dad betted on Duncan too... Nope!" said Bart. It's continuity! Deal with it!
"Come with me." said Chalmers. They rode off somewhere and no there was no broke back Mountain weirdness! He's a grown man and Bart is a little boy. Don't be disgusting...
They stopped to over look the greenery. Chalmers laughed heartily and his horse whinnied.
"So, Bart. What have you learned so far?" Chalmers asked Bart.
"Well when horses poop, they don't stop. They just keep walking." said Bart. Eeeeeew!
"Um yes... But here's a fun fact Bart. All around us is a national park. Created by Teddy Roosevelt." said Chalmers
"Woooooow!" said Bart.
Chalmers nodded hoping Bart was learning.
"Wow! And I thought God made this!" said Bart. "Sir you have enlightened me."
"Thanks but that's not what I-" Chalmers explained.
"Yes it is! You have filled my head with horse poop and atheism!" said Bart.
"Let's stop talking..." said Chalmers.
Elsewhere in the park, Oscar and Teddy, his living teddy bear are wandering about.
They come across an animal den.
"That's my den." said Teddy.
There was a wooden sign nearby.
"What's with that sign post..." said Oscar.
"That's a sign warning you not to wake me up during hibernation..." said Teddy.
Oscar sighed.
"Will you two quit yakking..." said a cartoon caterpillar with a big round wet shiny red nose.
Oscar honked his nose. "Ow!" the caterpillar's nose squeaked like a toy.
Oscar chuckled.
Teddy sighed.
...
At home in the lounge Bart was skipping with a jump rope and quoting Teddy Roosevelt.
"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for his country, is good enough to be given a square deal!"
Lisa came in wondering what he was doing.
"Just quoting our 26th president Lisa. You could use some T.R in your life!" said Bart sparring.
"Please... I went through my T.R phase in first grade... Now I realise the greatest Roosevelt was Franklin." said Lisa.
"Balderdash!" exclaimed BarT. "Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife!"
"Yeah, so he could shoot it all himself!" Lisa retorted. "Franklin D Roosevelt lead this country through the depression and World War II!"
"Oh yeah?! Bart yelled.
"Face on a dime!" Lisa yelled.
"Face on Rushmore!" Bart yelled.
"Franklin was the first President to fly in a plane!" Lisa yelled.
"Teddy was a professional boxer! And his name is actually Theodore Rex! Which is awesome!" said Bart.
"Well! Oh god! Thank you Bart! These are the intellectual debates and political sparring matches I've craved from you! Instead of your juvenile insults and ridiculous come backs!" Lisa was strangely pleased to have an intelligent argument instead of Bart calling her names and singing stupid songs about her. "I love you!" She hugged him.
"Eeeeeew! Sister cooties!" Bart groaned in disgust.
"Bah! I hated the Roosie-velds and all them family dynasties!" said Grampa hobbling in and sitting on the couch. "From the Kennedy's, the Bush's, John Voight and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daley and his smart ass son the Daily Show!" I'm sure the later half of that diatribe was gibberish...
"That's a lot of pent up anger, Grampa." said Lisa.
"Well, I like Stephen Colbert. But only because I don't get the joke!" said Grampa.
Lisa and Bart rolled their eyes at Grampa's eccentricity.
"Didn't Stephen Colbert tell us to vandalise the Wikipedia article on elephants..." said Oscar.
Bart winced at him baffled.
"Anyway Teddy Roosevelt didn't need a wheelchair..." said Oscar.
Lisa sighed. "Franklin had Polio... That's why he was in a chair..."
...
Bart was on one of the benches in the playground dressed as Teddy Roosevelt reading about Teddy Roosevelt liberating Cuba.
"And on July the 1st, 1898, Colonel Theodore Roosevelt and his band of rough riders saddled up to San Juan Hill and liberated Cuba!"
"Cuba Si! Castro no!" Nelson cheered.
Castro huffed annoyed. "Capitalist pigs!"
"I love Roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy." said Milhouse.
"I love Roosevelt because he said bully!" said Jimbo.
"That dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs!" said Dolph.
Oscar arrived. "Hey dudes, how's it- Oh god! Bart is dressed as Robin Williams! Or a dweeb. Or Robin Williams dressed as a dweeb."
"Oz, I'm dressed as Theodore Roosevelt. Our 26th President..." said Bart.
"You're still hooked on Roosevelt? Oh god! What has Chalmers done to you?!" Oscar screamed. "And why are you bullies not whaling on Bart?"
"Oz, I'm convincing them to sit in on one of Chalmers's outside learning lessons..." said Bart.
"Oh my god! What have you done?!" Oscar cried. "If you turn the bullies into dorks who will give us wedgies and steal our lunch money?! You've destroyed the natural order!"
Bart sighed. "Ignore him guys..."
"You fools! You've destroyed the natural order!" Sir Raven from Grim Adventures screamed.
Bart winced.
Elsewhere the Raiders substituted players that were off sick with local drunks...
Drunk men in football helmets stumbled about.
"I don't wanna fight no union..." said one, slurring his words.
The remaining actual team members of the Raiders passed a ball to one of the drunks.
"My baby! My baby!" the drunk man cried.
The captain, or whatever American Football has instead rolled his eyes.
Homer laughed. "They hired drunks..."
Marge came in.
"Homer your supposed to be at work!"
Homer screamed and fled.
...
Bart and the bullies went to Chalmers's house. He was more than happy to teach them.
His lesson today was talking while the kids had buzz colas and he drank whiskey.
"Wow... teachers drinking in class..." said Jimbo.
"Yes..." said Chalmers drinking some whiskey.
"I must say boys, I am more than happy to have you sit in on our experiment in manly education!" said Chalmers. Mmmmm! Manly... "The thing is school has failed you kids."
"School failed me? Does that mean school has to go to summer Jimbo?" asked Jimbo.
"See kids, that is the canary in a dying coal mine empire..." said Chalmers.
"You're in my coal mine now, bitches!" boasted Jimbo.
"Boys are falling behind in every subject because it's all geared towards girls and feelings!" said Chalmers. It's Girls just wanna have Sums part 2! "And celebrating differences!"
"But I liked reading It's Cool to Cry!" Milhouse whined.
"Well it ain't cool to cry!" said Chalmers.
Milhouse sobbed.
"Boys need to explore! Build things! Smash them apart! Then build them up again!" Chalmers ranted. "Our first lesson begins, this Saturday. With an overnight trip to Springfield Forest!"
The boys cheered.
Second Grade. Principal Upfoot the feminist was teaching therapy math with the disco lights etc again...
The Girls were grooving to the whale song music.
"What does seven smell like?" Upfoot asked.
"I don't know?! How the heck is that gonna help us get jobs?!" Lisa yelled.
The girls in her class boo and jeer her.
"We should be solving maths problems and equations!" Lisa ranted.
"Only men see maths as a problem..." said Upfoot.
Lisa sighed.
She later got detention. She had to write on the board. "I will not support the Masculine Dogma."
"Haw Haw!" Nelson laughed.
...
In the Springfield National Park, a forest.
"Legend has it that Teddy Roosevelt visited this forest and lost a pair of his trademark spectacles." said Chalmers reading a map placed on a flat surface so the boys could read too. "This weekend, we're going in search of those spectacles."
The boys cheer.
"That's all well and good, but I need to know. What are spectacles?" Jimbo asked a stupid question.
"Glasses." Chalmers sighed.
Jimbo gawked.
"What Milhouse is wearing over his eyes..." said Chalmers.
Milhouse always wears red glasses.
"Ooooooh! Those!" said Jimbo. "Hardly noticed them! We just refer to him as Four-eyes..."
Milhouse frowned.
They were then walking by a river.
"One time I found a washing machine over there that still had clothes in it!" said Dolph.
"Woooooow!" said all the boys.
"This place is as beautiful as the side of a can of Coors!" said Nelson. "The kind my dad used to leave in the bathtub..."
"There are no bad fathers in the wilderness son." said Chalmers comforting him.
In the background a papa bear roared and picked up his cub to bite his head off. But Mama bear slapped him. Papa Bear groaned and put their baby back down. The baby bear looked concerned by his father wanting to eat him.
"So... does your dad always try to eat you Teddy?" Oscar asked his living teddy bear Teddy as they followed Bart and the rest of the class.
"All the time..." Teddy sighed.
Bart winced. "Oz why did you bring your pet teddy bear thing..."
"I have my reasons..." Oscar said sternly.
Bart sighed.
The Mama bear roared at Papa bear. The subtitles read: "Gerald! Stop eating our son!"
Papa bear growled submissively. "We have three more at home..." read his subtitles.
...
Eventually Chalmers and the boys set up camp at night.
Bart saw this as a test of if Chalmers really was a better teacher than the teachers at school only interested in their wages.
Chalmers was not only a great teacher but a great camp leader. He came packed with the appropriate camp supplies ie sausages, s'mores etc. And allowed chatter and "off" time to rest their brains from learning.
Also I find it stupid that Skinner already learned to teach this way in How the Test was won, and Chalmers was the stubborn learning stays in the classroom one...
"Yes Narrator... It's really weird..." said Bart.
"Maybe that story was set in a mirror universe..." said Oscar waving his fingers and going "Wooooooooo!"
Bart sighed.
Bart and the boys ate by the campfire and had S'mores and sung campfire songs like I've been working on the rail road! All the live long day!
Then it got late and they went to sleep.
The Bart got up early to find Chalmers up early and Irish-ing up his coffee with booze from a canteen.
Bart decided to have a cartoon of milk and Irish-ed it up with a can of buzz cola. And they talked about something. Oscar looks up the script... ah yeah he talks about his late wife Rosemary. Awwwww!
"You know Bart, Mornings are what I miss most about my Rosemary."
Bart looked confused.
"Rosemary was my late wife." Chalmers explained.
"Ooooh! I didn't know that..." said Bart. Pouring cola into his milk.
"Yes... well now you do." said Chalmers. "I missed her most of all in the mornings... she sure looked good in a pair of pyjamas..." Chalmers chuckled.
"Um okay..." said Bart.
"Hey dinguses! Dinguses?!" Nelson called.
Everyone got up and found him dangling via branch he was holding onto.
"I found them! I found Roosevelt's spectacles!" Nelson was holding spectacles.
"Hohoho! Thank you child! Now I can see Al! Oh captain my captain! Jumanjiiiii!" said Robin Williams as Theodore Roosevelt.
Bart and his friends minus Nelson rolled their eyes.
Oscar laughed. "It's funny because it's true..."
"You ain't never had a president like me!" Teddy Roosevelt sang to Friend Like Me.
Plot 4
Then Chalmers spent the morning after everyone got dressed, fishing.
"Stupid fish! Don't you want to become my dinneeeer?!" Chalmers said dinner like he said skinneeeeer!
"Hey Gary, whatcha doing?" Bart asked.
"Bart as your teacher and your superintendent, I expect you to address me properly as Mr Chalmers or Sir. Not as Gary. Only grownups call me that." said Chalmers. "Now if you must know, I am fishing but the fish ain't biting this morning..."
"Well um..." Bart reads the script. "What would Teddy Roosevelt do?"
Chalmers sighed.
"Bart I don't even feel like Teddy Roosevelt right now... I don't even feel like Kermit Roosevelt..." said Chalmers.
Oscar suddenly pulled down the fourth wall and changed the scene.
"It ain't easy being green, America." said Kermit the frog as president of America. People cheered.
"No!" Bart yelled annoyed at Oscar's stupidity.
Later the boys were riding on horses. Bart was speaking in Portuguese to Milhouse asking if he got enough hours sleep last night.
"Does it look like I did..." said Milhouse in Portuguese.
"Ay carumba..." Bart sighed in his Portuguese voice.
"Por que vocé soa corno Hermes?!" Oscar asked in Portuguese. "Why do you sound like Hermes Conrad?!"
Bart sighed.
Then Chalmers got an angry call from his boss the state comptroller Atkins from when Lisa cheated on a test and was too honest to keep her mouth shut.
"Hey Chalmers, I thought we all agreed no technology..." said Bart.
"In this case, I'm making an exception boys." said Chalmers. "Yes? Oh really! I'm very sorry sir! Oh dear..." Chalmers put down his phone and sighed disappointed. "Boys I've just been fired."
"Fired?! Why?" Bart asked.
"Because apparently I didn't authorise this field trip properly and now all your parents are worried sick about you and think I've kidnapped you." said Chalmers.
Bart was sad and crestfallen.
"I'm just peeved he's Chalmers' boss now after the education board fired me for picking on Skinner and letting you pull sickies all the time." Oscar said to Bart. "Plus they said I couldn't hold a job on the education committee because I am a minor..."
...
On the bright side though he was being rewarded for all his good work and vast improvement in his grades. Especially in history.
"Bart because of all your hard work I'm going to treat you!" said Marge when he got home.
"I don't really feel like celebrating..." Bart sighed.
"I'm sorry dear that your new teacher who has finally got through to you has lost his job... but I've got just the thing to cheer you up." said Marge.
"Oh really?" Bart asked.
"Yes!" said Marge.
"A missile launching motorcycle with added land mines?!" Bart asked excited.
"Cooooool!" said Oscar.
"No!" said Marge.
"A machine gun with cyanide tipped rounds?" Bart asked.
Oscar winced.
"No!" said Marge.
"Mutated anthrax?" Bart asked.
Oscar squinted at him.
"No! You're favourite party food, root beer and chocolate brownies with ice cream!" said Marge thinking his suggestion of missile firing motorcycles and other things were silly.
"Oh yeah..." said Bart.
Milhouse's house.
"Son, we were so worried about you! And your mother keeps blaming me..." said Kirk.
Luanne huffed and muttered.
"Luanne it's not my fault Chalmers forgot to sign the correct day-trip forms!" said Kirk.
Milhouse sighed.
Bart's room. He is miserable because Chalmers got fired.
Lisa sits by him. "I know what it's like to lose an inspiring teacher..."
"No you don't..." said Bart feeling blue.
"Yes I do! Mr Bergstrom!" said Lisa.
"Oh yeah... that guy..." said Bart.
...
Bart was in his treehouse with his newest group of friends, Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph and Milhouse. Bart was wearing Teddy Roosevelt's cowboy hat and spectacles while they all drank root beer.
"This is great root beer!" said Nelson.
Homer came up to bother them, but not kiss Milhouse again.
Milhouse wagged his blue eyebrows seductively at Homer.
"Boys I have to ask you this. It's something that I read about in a magazine..." said Homer.
"Is it Playdude..." Bart grimaced disgusted.
"No it's not Playdude... Now listen. Are you cyber bullying?" Homer asked.
"No, how can we? We're all in the same room speaking to each other directly and we don't have computers!" said Bart.
"Oh okay. Marge! I'm parenting!" said Homer.
"Oh good! Come down and get some more ice cream and chocolate brownie!" said Marge.
Homer left to leave the boys in piece.
"So here's my plan to get Chalmers his job back..." said Bart.
Homer climbed back up again.
"Bart, Your mother wants to know why you're up here with new friends other than Milhouse." said Homer.
"Can't I make new friends..." Bart gave him a squinting look as if he was annoyed.
"Oooooooh! Marge the boy is using logic!" Homer groaned. "Also my ice cream is melting!"
In the kitchen Hugo was eating ice cream and chocolate brownie. However when he took a mouthful of ice cream He scrunched up his face in pain and groaned because of brain freeze.
"Brain freeze eh?" Oscar asked.
Hugo nodded.
"Who let the mutant eat some of the ice cream and chocolate brownies I paid for?!" Homer yelled trying to take Hugo's food. Oscar smacked Homer's hand hard with a wooden ruler. "Yeeeeeeow!"
"Stop picking on Hugo!" Oscar yelled.
Homer sighed annoyed and went off somewhere.
Oscar read the categories Alvin put this episode in when filing his scripts. "Eric episodes?" I don't recall mentioning Eric at any point?!" said Oscar confused.
"Goo! (Blurble)!" Baby Eric babbled.
"Yes Eric... Goo..." said Oscar.
...
Bart was transferred back to Mrs Krabappel. Which he disliked. They were studying geology of different rocks by reading books.
"Mrs K, Super Intendant Chalmers would have taken us outside to see the different kinds of rocks." said Bart.
"You can look at the pictures of page thirty five." said Mrs Krabappel.
"My text book doesn't have a page thirty five..." said Bart as his text book was missing pages.
"Then lie on your desk and go to sleep Bart..." Mrs Krabappel sighed frustrated with him telling her how to teach and the school cutting corners with cheep, substandard materials like second hand books with missing pages.
"But it's sticky from where the last kid who used it spilt his soda..." said Bart.
In the back row next to Nelson, a never before seen fourth grader boy was drinking a bottle of Buzz Cola and looking around shifty as everyone stared at him.
"Bart... lay down..." said Mrs Krabappel.
Bart sighed and did so.
After class Bart had to drag his desk out with him because he was stuck to it. Eventually a few yards down the road Martin and Milhouse pulled him free.
"Thanks guys." said Bart glad to be free of his sticky desk.
"No problem my fellow desk jockey!" said Martin being weird. "I see you have sampled the delights of learning outdoors!"
"Yes, from Chalmers." said Bart.
"You're Very fortunate Bart! It is not my place to question Mrs Krabappel's authority, but by gum! Her teaching methods are limited..." said Martin.
"Martin the school has substandard equipment and books with missing pages because Skinrash is a tight fisted old Scrooge who won't buy adequate materials!" said Bart. "And the school is needlessly restricted to a syllabus by pen pushing councillors! I do not do sitting at a desk reading or listening I learn by doing and I do so I learn!" Bart ranted.
"Very apt Bart! Almost as poetic as Rene Descartes I think therefore I am!" said Martin.
Bart rolled his eyes. "Martin the old me would have clocked you for making such intellectual and bookish comments. But I guess Oscar's right. I'm one of your lot now with my Teddy Roosevelt thing.
"Ah... we all have our favourite historical greats... just like the popular guys and girls have their rockstars, we have our Mozart, Einstein and our big historical figures..." Martin sighed with joy.
"Yeah... anyway we all need to band together to get Chalmers back! Or failing that. Force practical and other alternative learning methods on the school! So everyone can choose to learn how they prefer to learn!" said Bart.
At home Lisa was reluctant to agree with Bart.
"Bart, I'm sorry but that just isn't feasible! The school can't possibly hold one to one teaching sessions to suit everyone's learning methods! That's why we have homework and revision!" Lisa explained. "Only expensive schools and academies can afford to do that!"
"Lis, don't you feel tired of Miss Hoover's same old one size fits all teaching? Haven't you ever had a great substitute?" Bart asked.
"Yes! Mr Bergstrom! In season two?! He was my world! I adored him!" Lisa ranted shaking Bart. "Bart you're right and I can see what you're getting at! Mr Bergstrom was a brilliant teacher! And so was Chalmers to you! But try to see this practically!"
"I am! The school has no excuse to teach so substandardly and with such archaic methods! No excuse! Chalmers gave that school a lesson in how to teach! Now it's time I become the teacher!" said Bart storming off.
Lisa sighed. He was right. But the school simply doesn't have the resources to act like an academy or gifted school.
Bart went to see Chalmers who was fishing.
"Once again Bart I'll tell you what I told you and boys before. That school has failed you!" said Chalmers.
"I know Sir! But what can I do? I can't just stop attending! My parents won't let me! In fact they don't let me do much." Bart replied.
"Bart if there's one thing you're good at, aside from pranks and causing trouble, it's leading a good mob and getting your point across. You got Skinner and Edna their jobs back." said Chalmers.
"After I lost them by tattling on them..." said Bart.
"And your rebellion against the curfew was very clever! How did you come up with such ideas!" said Chalmers fishing.
"Well..." said Bart smirking.